Stay or leave

LegacyUser

Hi
Well here is the thing,
with my boyfriend 3 years, I am 19 and he is 27. The first year together was really good, couldn't have asked for a nicer boyfriend. Had been warned by his friend that he wasn't nice to girls but didnt listen.
Fell pregnant and thats when everything changed, it was like he changed over night. Asking me to sleep with his friend, who is older than my mam, cheating, mood swings etc..
Finished it with him for a month, he begged me to get back with him, he said he didn't know why he done the things he did.
So i got back with him and moved into his parents house with him. Things were terrible from the start, texting girls and receiving pictures of girls(nude) while in bed beside me.
So i got my own flat and he once again convinced me he would stop so he moved in with me. He changed his number and asked me to go everywhere he was going. So was looking good. Had the baby a month later.
About two weeks later he started hurting me, stupid things like squeezing my arms or bending my fingers so wasn't to worried.
Anyways things got worse( hurting me). I fell pregnant again which didn't change things, he threw me on the floor when i was 12 weeks pregnant and i lost the baby.
Which didn't change him either as 5 days later he hit me over the head with something and split my head open, needed stitches but he wouldn't bring me to the hospital because he was afraid I would tell somebody.
Anyways the reason to all this is I'm wondering if anybody else has been in a similar situation, and can he change
Thanks

cournioni

stayorleave wrote: »

Anyways things got worse( hurting me). I fell pregnant again which didn't change things, he threw me on the floor when i was 12 weeks pregnant and i lost the baby.
Which didn't change him either as 5 days later he hit me over the head with something and split my head open, needed stitches but he wouldn't bring me to the hospital because he was afraid I would tell somebody.
Anyways the reason to all this is I'm wondering if anybody else has been in a similar situation, and can he change
Thanks

If this isn't enough reason for you to leave then I really don't know what to say... Even if he does "change" which isn't likely at all, how could you possibly stay with him after doing these things? Are you happy for him to continue abusing you and hurting you?! The man is a scumbag, simple as and no person in their right mind would stay with him.

LegacyUser

You poor girl. But you're last question set off alarm bells for me, you're only 19 why oh why would you want to be with this scumbag. Did you secretly think falling pregnant would change him. You need to get the hell away from him and think of you and your child, he will never change you cannot change him. Do you have any family nearby what do they have to say about the situation, do they know the ins and outs.

Ickle Magoo

Everyone can change, of course, but the question I would ask is why you think this claim of being a changed man is any different to the others? I hope you know deep down that squeezing your arm and bending your fingers isn't normal behaviour and you should be worried, it's not stupid - it's abuse.

Your partner should never cheat on you, physically hurt you, ask you to sleep with his mates (wtf?!), throw you about, split your head open or contribute to a miscarriage. HE IS ABUSING YOU - IF HE IS GOING TO CHANGE HE NEEDS TO WANT TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. I felt I needed to shout that because you seem to already be at the stage you are normalising and discounting his abuse.

If nothing else read this over and over: Nothing is going to change him, nothing can make him change, he must see what he is for himself and go and ask for professional help. You must get as far away from this man as you can. He's 27, he's dating a 19 year old because he's so emotionally retarded he picks people who are easier to manipulate and abuse. He doesn't love you, he doesn't worry about you. He just wants to control you, it's up to recognise him for what he is and get yourself and your child into a safer environment. What is your baby going to do if he seriously hurts you? Get the hell away from the guy.

LegacyUser

MY GOD OP
Not only should you not stay with this man you need to go to the gaurds and get people who do this off the streets.

Does your mam know whats going on you should really tell your family or a friend as this is a difficult thing to go through yourself. Kids would be better off with a single parent than growing up in that kind of enviroment.

AnonoBoy

Leave. Stay with your friends or parents. Tell them what's been happening. Get them to help you keep him away.

Then go to the Gardai and report him.

Maybe he will change but not with you.

ClutchIt

Leave him immediately. Also report the abuse to the Gardai if you want.

There are plenty of lovely men out there for you. Each time you take him back it gives him license to get worse and worse. He feels he will get away with anything now. When he says he will change he is lying.

You have to look at yourself and summon up the self esteem, no matter how hard it is, and realise you don't deserve this you can do better

Please take my advice

Peggypeg

Oh my god, hon I honestly feel sick to my stomach after reading your opening post. Please read it back yourself and imagine that it's your friend or sister or any other woman you love writing what you just wrote. Honestly I just don't know he's managed to get you in such a bad state, I mean how in the name of god are you still with that guy? Seriously hon, you're a victim of domestic, verbal and physical violence. You need to go and visit your GP and get him/her to get you into contact with a group that helps women in your situation. You've been putting up with his disgusting and obnoxious and downright evil behaviour for so long that you seem to be trying to figure out how to change him instead of trying to get the hell away!!!! Try to imagine this, I walk up to you and say to you "see that big bulldog over there? Well he's after making me lose a baby and he keeps biting me, what should I do? Will he ever change?". What would you tell me? You wouldn't tell me to go back and keep trying to change him, would you? This is no different, that man is evil, pure and simple, even if he changes he'll still be the guy that threw you down and killed your baby. Honestly, if you were my friend I'd be packing up your stuff and moving you in with me. He obviously has some hold over your head, (which is very very common in domestic abuse environments,) if this is the way you're thinking. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go to your GP and get in contact with a domestic refuge in your area. You really need to get out of that situation, I promise you there is a better life out there away from that evil man.

I really hope you find the strength to get away from him,
The very very very best of luck.

tbh

I know the mods don't like this kind of thing, and for good reason, but hopefully they'll allow me a one off.

HE'LL NEVER CHANGE. GET OUT NOW.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for replying,
I lost contact with my friends, and the one's i have now are his friends so i wouldn't or coudn't ask.
His family know but pretend they don't.
And no family i would tell or stay with.
And no when i fell pregnant i didn't want to change him because he was lovely at that stage.
I feel really stupid for asking it now, just thought maybe if he got help it would help.

up for anything

He would have to acknowledge that he needed help and from the sound of it, he is not going to. If he did agree to get help you should be out of his reach while he goes through the process which will take a long while. To me it sounds bad from the start. What did a 24 year old want with a 16 year old except someone to have and to hold and to control! He probably knew that someone of his own age group wouldn't put up with his crap.

For now, pack up your stuff when he isn't around and get yourself off to your nearest women's refuge, details from here or here.

Do you really intend to hang around till he kills you and leave your child for him to bring up in a house where his family pretend everything is alright? Get out of there and don't go back this time.

LegacyUser

He know's himself he needs help but I'm not sure if he would go and get some.
I understand what you are saying but at the time i didn't think about him being that much older.
Thanks I will have a look at them now

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

We're all really hoping that you get away from him but even if you stay don't be afraid to come back here if you need to talk. We understand that it's very hard to untangle yourself from these situations. We're all hoping you get out of that nightmare but we will listen even if you don't.

Just want to be clear though. I'm not in any way saying that he's ok, it's quite clear to everyone here that he's an evil psycho, and what he's doing is very very f*cked up and you are WAY WAY WAY better off out of that relationship.

The very best of luck,
P.

I say leave and leave now. This is NOT a good thing. Nothing about it is good in any way at all. Not only leave but make sure everyone who is close to you, family and friends, know just WHY you left so that if anything else happens they know the back story. You say you do not know anyone to stay with or tell about this, and if that is true then seek out the helplines and support groups of OTHER women like yourself instead. They are out there and your situation is NOT unusual or rare. You are NOT alone in this at all.

Even if you are not sure who to ring, ring someone who is nothing to do with it and let THEM find out where to go next. Even the Samaritains will help you with this and tell you “This is not what we do, but we WILL find out who is, what their numbers are, where they are etc etc etc”. In fact I am sure every phone answerer should have info like that ready and to hand. Most of these support lines know eahc other well. Hell even if you rang CHILDLINE they would happily point you in the right directions from there.

The only ever small glimmer of hope I see in anything you just said is the line:

He changed his number and asked me to go everywhere he was going.

This to me sounds like he knows he is not good to women, and knows he is a bit of a cheater, but he was making a cry for help that he WANTS to change but clearly he failed horribly to because you are NOT the one to help him with that change.

I would leave, and not go back again this time until he DOES seek help. It sounds like he thinks YOU are the one to give him that help but you neither are, nor could you be.

Do not even START EVEN A LITTLE BIT to even entertain his apologies or begging to go back until he seeks that help from someone professional and has VERIFYABLY been attending that help consistently for at least a year and after that time he gives you full permission, and his doctor full permission, for you to meet and have a full private frank conversation with that doctor about everything without him there.

If he refuses to get such help then I genuinely and strongly recommend you visit the Gardai about what happened and let that force his hand. You say you have a child now. If you do not do this for you, do it for that child. Or do you think violence like that is likely to STOP with you?

You are NOT the one to help him change, but you may be the motivation he needs to help himself.

suckmyloli

Hi,


My father abused and still abuses my mother on a regular basis. I grew up with it most of my life (I am now 24). He was a doting father when I was first born and then became an alcoholic, I'm gonna go out on a whim and guess your boyfriend is involved in some sort of substance abuse also?? once the drinking started the beatings started.

He still beats her she is now disabled because of it and can barely walk. I have no siblings and she has no contact with her family (my mothers family) she is the only one who can try to walk away but she won't.

My dad has never changed and your boyfriend will never changed. I had a hash-head boyfriend at 19 also he started hurting me when he was coming off weed so I walked away. Smartest thing I wever did!

My name is Jo and I'm 24 I can't sit idely by while a person is being hurt.

Kormeera X

no, he will not change.

Fox McCloud

He wont change as he has no reason to change while he still has a chance of getting you back. He hurt you, you went back, he hurt you again, you went back.. so the process begins and it wont stop unless you stop it.

If you break up with him completely and cut all contact and he saw the error of his ways on his own without any prompting and decided he needed to change and went and got professional help and delt with all his issues... then and only then could you maybe have a happy relationship with this man. Otherwise it will be continued abuse which will most probably continue to escalate in the manner it has done until you are seriouly injured or dead. Your so young there is no good reason to through away your life when you deserve so much better.

Give this website a look over http://www.womensaid.ie/

andyournameis

I have been where u r now,I know what you are thinking, Do he love him? He promised this time he will change? He promised he would never hit me again?He promised we would be a proper family?I was the same as you had the child by my ex boyfiend and he still played mind games , Hit me, etc, Anyways the hardest thing is walking away and staying away...
You have to go, there is no ifs and buts about it,He will never change EVER!!
I know you have a child by him, You need to have your space, what I did was got my own flat changed my phone number, Didn't contact him for 5 weeks until I was strong enough to say no I AM NOT GOING BACK TO YOU...You need to have good family and friends around you when you do this.
I walked away 9 years ago and I have never looked back, and now I see him in town and I just look at him and see a big LOOSER!!
Chin Up OP... WALK AWAY I PROMISE U, U WILL NEVER LOOK BACK

dellas1979

Is there ANYBODY you can turn to on your side? You say you have no family (even extended?).

I'll tell you something for nothing - if a partner abused me like that - no matter how much I wanted him to change or how much I loved him, I'd knock on every door I could to get help. I wouldnt give a damn.

And in short answer to your question, no he wont change - not at least with you there. He needs realisation that what he is doing is wrong. The same way that you need realisation that you need to get out of there.

daydreamer1990

Op here
Thanks for all the replies
Will try to answer as much as possible.
I do have family, but really don't think I could tell them about it.
And no my boyfriend would drink on a very rare occasion and when he does he is nicer than usual. he doesn't take any form of drugs anymore, he smoked hash and took ecstacy when we first met but stopped fairly soon after.
I am going to speak to a woman from safe ireland on monday, I cant just leave because i don't have any money and i don't drive.

knitwit

Hi OP,

This is classic domestic violence. It always starts off small, squeezing your arm, shoving you etc. But it escalates. Always. Now he's split your head open and refused you medical help. If you stay with this man, you will end up with broken bones, teeth knocked out, cuts and bruises all over you.
Men like this are like a disease. He will have you a quivering wreck with no confidence, no friends and nowhere to turn. He will control every aspect of your life. And god knows how this will affect your child.
You need to get away from him pronto. If he so much as raises his voice to you, call the guards out to the house and tell them what's going on. Don't be shy of telling your family, I know it's tough, but I'm sure they'll help you.
This man is a freak, he will never change. I hope you can get shot of him for your sake and your child's.
Best of luck OP

Nevyn

suckmyloli
Please take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Nevyn

stayorleave you need to leave him or get him out of your home asap.
It know it's hard esp as he is the first persion you had a serious relationhip with but you deserve a hell of a lot better. He seems to have no respect for you and you do not want to be trying to raise a child while living with someone like that.

Can people change, yes but only if they see that how they are behaving is wrong and you can't wait for that day to happen. IF he wants to change he can and will do it on his own, but you need to let him know you and your child deserve better and you will not put up with it.

Be strong for you and your child's sake, don't think just cos he is old he knows better and should be incharge is anything at all he hasnt grown up yet and he needs to go do that.

daydreamer1990

I have asked to leave but he wont.
I think there is something wrong with him, its like he has the brain mentality of a child. And it would be in his family. As his auntys and cousin both have the same thing. But you would have to know him well to see it.
Would this be a reason why he has such a bad temper does anybody know

sam34

daydreamer1990 wrote: »

I have asked to leave but he wont.
I think there is something wrong with him, its like he has the brain mentality of a child. And it would be in his family. As his auntys and cousin both have the same thing. But you would have to know him well to see it.
Would this be a reason why he has such a bad temper does anybody know

dont go down the road of making excuses for him

doing that absolves him of responsibility for his actions

dellas1979

daydreamer1990 wrote: »

I have asked to leave but he wont.
I think there is something wrong with him, its like he has the brain mentality of a child. And it would be in his family. As his auntys and cousin both have the same thing. But you would have to know him well to see it.
Would this be a reason why he has such a bad temper does anybody know

Girl, part of the problem is you staying quiet about it. It empowers the situation.

I would tell my family if it had gotton as bad as you say it has. What will happened next? It will be all hunky dory until one day he severly harms you or the child...then you will ask why you didnt leave sooner.

Nevyn

You need to tell someone, start with someone you know and trust and TELL them.
It's hard to admit and face up to but once you start to tell, it get easier.

Is there someone you can so stay with for a while and take the baby with you?

LegacyUser

i know a few gardai. they hate, all of them, women beaters. if the lack of cash and transport is worrying you, the gardai are a resource that can help you out. Ring them, tell them, and if you contact someone like i know who is a garda he would be out to you in an unmarked car collecting you and making sure you could be brought to a safe place. Get on facebook and reconnect with old friends, anybody who used to care about you still does, if someone said to me their boyf caused a miscarriage and beat them i would have no problem helping them out, even if it meant meeting up and having a chat, offloading, getting them out of the house etc. You can still find someone better, someone who will be a better dad to your baby than this man (and i use the term loosely). No offense but im from an area with a lot of younger girls older guys relationships. He was 24 when you started going out and you were 16? You have had a negative, destroyig influence on you for the past three years. You were strong enough to leave him twice, leave again and mean it, maybe he will just keep hurtig you and not the baby but can you take that chance? its better to have no father than a woman beater and a womaniser