Partner txting ex

LegacyUser

Hello, i have recently discovered that my partner of 5 years has been txting a guy she was with b4 (about 7 years ago). they txt about 3 times a week after recently meeting on a night out - she denies its this regularly and says its only every so often and about general stuff.

any advice?

dudara

Can you start by explaining how this makes you feel? Do you trust her, or do you have any cause to worry about your relationship?

Miss Fluff

How did you find out? Were you going through her phone?

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

How you found out isn't important. Alot of people on here think that going through a partner's phone to confirm/deny suspician is worse than cheating so if you're not in the mood for a lecture then I wouldn't answer that question if I were you. To me texting an ex would be a serious red flag, if you've told her it makes you upset/uncomfortable/worried and she is refusing to cut contact then I would extremely worried. It's hard to say without more info, does she have/deserve your trust? Is there a history of cheating between you two? It's really hard to say without more info but yeah I'd be worried.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

it doesnt make me feel great! i do trust her and i dont trust her. she lies about txtin him regulary and after a nite out recently i saw she had been txtin him that nite and she received missed calls from him. but i dont think shes the type to cheat either.

i used her phone to send a txt a few weeks ago and saw his name in the recently sent section. i have checked it since and see his name regularly. she doesnt know i know this. when i questioned her she says get over it, hes just a friend but i'd like ppl's opinion? if i raise the issue again she will just say the same thing!

LighterGuy

razor27 wrote: »

........ but i dont think shes the type to cheat either....

Sad reality of life is that you dont know who will cheat. The whole "I dont think he/she would be the type to cheat" is an unrealistic foolish attitude people can have. Many a man has been with a woman for years only for his girl to be knocking someone else off behind his back.

Op, you have every right to have an issue with this. She is lying about texting him. Which makes the biggest question pop up ... why is she lying? ... she is obviously hiding something.

Op, as Peggypeg said... alot of people consider "snooping" worse than cheating on here (some users like to give high moral answers, aka, bulls*it.. people who if they were in a same situation would snoop ) ...
but just keep checking her phone. Read the texts. See whats being said. Its quite clear from her lying about texting him she will not be honest and say whats really going on. So .. you have no choice but to find out.

What have the texts you already have read say so far?

LegacyUser

She has deleted all the txts......havent seen any of them. if i asked her why she did this she would say coz i would freak out if i knew she was txting him. i dont have enuf evidence to mention it again....if i say it again now she will just give me the same response and i have no choice but to accept it! married with a child!

sam34

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,
How you found out isn't important. Alot of people on here think that going through a partner's phone to confirm/deny suspician is worse than cheating .

it is an invasion of privacy. doing it because he has suspicions does not make it right.

Peggypeg wrote: »

To me texting an ex would be a serious red flag

why? i am in contact with an ex of mine, i consider him one of my best friends. we talk once a month or thereabouts, but text or email weekly. there is no question that either of us are still interested in the other, it is merely friendship.

some people go on to remain friends with their partners after a breakup. its not always sinister.

Peggypeg wrote: »

if you've told her it makes you upset/uncomfortable/worried and she is refusing to cut contact then I would extremely worried

if a bf was demanding i cut contact with a friend of mine, he wouldnt last very long


HOWEVER OP, what would concern me is the fact that she seems to be lying to you. that is cause for concern.

imo, though, simply being in contact with an ex is not immediately cause for concern

LegacyUser

sam34 wrote: »

it is an invasion of privacy. doing it because he has suspicions does not make it right.




why? i am in contact with an ex of mine, i consider him one of my best friends. we talk once a month or thereabouts, but text or email weekly. there is no question that either of us are still interested in the other, it is merely friendship.

some people go on to remain friends with their partners after a breakup. its not always sinister.




if a bf was demanding i cut contact with a friend of mine, he wouldnt last very long


HOWEVER OP, what would concern me is the fact that she seems to be lying to you. that is cause for concern.

imo, though, simply being in contact with an ex is not immediately cause for concern

i had no choice but to check her phone since she lied. i hardly want to be in this position and i dont want to treated like a mug either.

i did see message a few weeks ago.....one was just general chat and the was him saying she was looking sexy. she said it was a joke and cud of been but i have no way to know.

again, its pointless raising the issue when all i get is the same answer.

Dymo

If she's txting him, she's txting him for a reason, and I don't think it's to see how he's getting on and you can be 100% certain he's not txting her just to be great friends. She's lying about the texts and the OP is 100% right to know about them, but now she's getting more careful and deleting them to leave no trace.

Better off to have it out with her even if it causes a big row, she might seem upset because you read her text but you have a right to know the full reason. This is a past boyfriend who she probably had feelings form in her younger days and now 7 years later she's trying to rekindle those feelings and they are getting closer when he's ringing her behind the OP's back. Even the nicest of girls in the world have cheated behind their partners back and you are dealing with a past BF.

OP better to know now what's going on than feeling like a fool later.

carmel27

Hey OP,
Beware! I used to text an ex while I was going out with someone else. In my case, I still had feelings for that person. I never made any secret to my boyfriend of that time of the fact that we were still in regular contact. But when he challenged me about why there was any need for us to be in touch, I obviously didnt say "oh well, because Im still mad about him. Have been ever since he broke up with me, danced on my heart and left me in bits", but I said that we were just staying in touch as friends, and my bf accepted that.

In my case, it never went any further than texting. The ex often suggested that we meet up, but Id been hurt so much by him that I didnt think that I could have handled seeing him in person and I honestly didnt think that I could trust myself around him either, had he tried anything on.

I have had other exs make contact after we split but I never bothered to reply, as I basically had no interest whatsoever in keeping in contact with them.

So, OP, I'd be very weary. Maybe they are just friends, but from my experience, if you're with somebody else, and feel happy and in love with them, you should have no need to text the ex. Unless you still have feelings for them.

sam34

carmel27 wrote: »

So, OP, I'd be very weary. Maybe they are just friends, but from my experience, if you're with somebody else, and feel happy and in love with them, you should have no need to text the ex. Unless you still have feelings for them.

but yet my experience is different, pointing to the fact that the texting itself may very well just be innocent.

the worrying thing, imo, is the lying about it, not the texting.

LighterGuy

sam34 wrote: »

.....why? i am in contact with an ex of mine, i consider him one of my best friends.

But I imagine you dont lie to your partner about texting him. As the Op's wife has. You are just genunely friends in your situation.

sam34 wrote: »

it is an invasion of privacy. doing it because he has suspicions does not make it right.

Not to go into it ... lol ...
But on the flipside, if you are dating a liar/cheat. How is it invading their privacy worse than cheating?


Fact is, if someone invades privacy just because they are insecure. Yes its wrong. If someone invades privacy because they are getting major alarm bells... its not wrong. What if your BF was giving you MAJOR alarm bells. You check his phone, see a text saying "god sex was amazing last night" ... have you done worse than your bf?

"invasion of privacy" can be summed up to this (no matter what side a person falls on) ... we sadly live in a world where people wont be honest. Things would be a hell of alot easier if they were :P People wouldnt "invade" if people didnt lie.

sam34 wrote: »

if a bf was demanding i cut contact with a friend of mine, he wouldnt last very long

Yeah. That wouldnt be right. Not a good quality in a partner.
However, again, the op's wife is lying. Which I think is the really worrying issue. If the OP asked his wife to stop contact ... i dont think he would be in the wrong as she has lied about contact.




Anyways thats just getting into the privacy debate isnt it... lol.
But I think the OP should check his wifes phone in this case. Only my opinion. He'll either find out something bad, or ease his mind and more reassurance in his wife. At this point... we can all agree lying about contact is not a good sign.

sam34

LighterGuy wrote: »

But I imagine you dont lie to your partner about texting him. As the Op's wife has. You are just genunely friends in your situation.


Not to go into it ... lol ...
But on the flipside, if you are dating a liar/cheat. How is it invading their privacy worse than cheating?


Fact is, if someone invades privacy just because they are insecure. Yes its wrong. If someone invades privacy because they are getting major alarm bells... its not wrong. What if your BF was giving you MAJOR alarm bells. You check his phone, see a text saying "god sex was amazing last night" ... have you done worse than your bf?

"invasion of privacy" can be summed up to this (no matter what side a person falls on) ... we sadly live in a world where people wont be honest. Things would be a hell of alot easier if they were :P People wouldnt "invade" if people didnt lie.


Yeah. That wouldnt be right. Not a good quality in a partner.
However, again, the op's wife is lying. Which I think is the really worrying issue. If the OP asked his wife to stop contact ... i dont think he would be in the wrong as she has lied about contact.




Anyways thats just getting into the privacy debate isnt it... lol.
But I think the OP should check his wifes phone in this case. Only my opinion. He'll either find out something bad, or ease his mind and more reassurance in his wife. At this point... we can all agree lying about contact is not a good sign.

1. no, i dont lie about it
2. i didnt say invading their privacy is worse than cheating. i dont think either is right. but before you ask, i dont have the magic answer as to how one should behave in this situation.
3.yep, ive said repeatedly that the lying and deception is the cause for alarm bells here.

LegacyUser

Dymo wrote: »

If she's txting him, she's txting him for a reason, and I don't think it's to see how he's getting on and you can be 100% certain he's not txting her just to be great friends. She's lying about the texts and the OP is 100% right to know about them, but now she's getting more careful and deleting them to leave no trace.

Better off to have it out with her even if it causes a big row, she might seem upset because you read her text but you have a right to know the full reason. This is a past boyfriend who she probably had feelings form in her younger days and now 7 years later she's trying to rekindle those feelings and they are getting closer when he's ringing her behind the OP's back. Even the nicest of girls in the world have cheated behind their partners back and you are dealing with a past BF.

OP better to know now what's going on than feeling like a fool later.

again, i cant have it out with her again without proof!! i already confronted her about it and all i got were lies (saying she only txts every so often). if i told her i went through her phone everyday day or 2 that would end things...and do i want this to happen when im not 100% sure there is something going on? there have been things to suggest she wasnt with him and things to suggest she might have been.

she hasnt changed as a person since all thios was happening.....still wants to try for another baby and its not like she sneaks off to meet him. she has met him on nites out but cant say whether or not anything happened - she never acted any differently the following day.

he was never her bf, i think she was just with him a couple of times.

thanks for all the advise tho!

Ickle Magoo

If she is lying to you then surely you have all the proof you need that you don't have an honest and open relationship - whether she is actually doing the dirty or not is largely irrelevant. Happening to bump into someone you are clandestinely texting seems like a huge coincidence to me and if it's making you feel this uncomfortable and destroying your trust and confidence then she needs to know how you feel and that her current conduct is going to wreck your relationship. You say she'll end things if you tell her you know she's lying, you do know how twisted that sounds?

Ask her to be completely honest with you if she wants your relationship to work and I would certainly be putting off having another child until your relationship is on the straight and narrow. In my experience the only time relationships survive crises is when both parties put all their cards on the table and they discuss the issues with complete transparency, if you can't do that then I don't see how you can ever get around this.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If she is lying to you then surely you have all the proof you need that you don't have an honest and open relationship - whether she is actually doing the dirty or not is largely irrelevant. Happening to bump into someone you are clandestinely texting seems like a huge coincidence to me and if it's making you feel this uncomfortable and destroying your trust and confidence then she needs to know how you feel and that her current conduct is going to wreck your relationship. You say she'll end things if you tell her you know she's lying, you do know how twisted that sounds?

Ask her to be completely honest with you if she wants your relationship to work and I would certainly be putting off having another child until your relationship is on the straight and narrow. In my experience the only time relationships survive crises is when both parties put all their cards on the table and they discuss the issues with complete transparency, if you can't do that then I don't see how you can ever get around this.

Best of luck.

i dont think its twisted.....in that i could be completely wrong and it might be just general chat...just more regular than she is leading me to believe! you are right about bringing this to a head tho. i will give it until end of week and if there are more messages i will raise the issue again..............

but is there anyway around it without me having to say i look through her fone everyday??? obviously i shudnt be doing this but then again i shudnt have a reason to either

SarahSassy

OP, is this the 3rd thread you have opened on this now?

You are not getting satisfaction from her answers so you need to ask her again.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

OP, is this the 3rd thread you have opened on this now?

You are not getting satisfaction from her answers so you need to ask her again.

im a bit new to this so not sure about thread, first time using this but im guessing this is my one and only thread but have made several posts!

ask her again if she texts him regularly or is anything going on? her answers will be "every so often" and "no". only way i can say i know shes lying is if i admit to going through fone...and i dont think thats a good option!

Ickle Magoo

razor27 wrote: »

i dont think its twisted.....in that i could be completely wrong and it might be just general chat...just more regular than she is leading me to believe! you are right about bringing this to a head tho. i will give it until end of week and if there are more messages i will raise the issue again..............

but is there anyway around it without me having to say i look through her fone everyday??? obviously i shudnt be doing this but then again i shudnt have a reason to either

It's twisted in that you think she'll end the relationship for being called out as a liar...bad she's lying and double bad she'd rather end the relationship than put her hands up to lying.

I don't think you can do it any other way than letting her know you know she's lying if you ask her to be honest and she isn't but tbh, once you go down the whole knowing she's lying, she knows you know she's lying, she tries harder to hide things, even less trust, etc route - it just becomes a slippery slope. If she valued the relationship, your trust and respected you, why is she lying?

SarahSassy

guest27 wrote: »

im a bit new to this so not sure about thread, first time using this but im guessing this is my one and only thread but have made several posts!

ask her again if she texts him regularly or is anything going on? her answers will be "every so often" and "no". only way i can say i know shes lying is if i admit to going through fone...and i dont think thats a good option!

OK sorry - there is a very similar thread (or 2) on the go at the moment.

If you dont trust her then whats the point being with her. YOu need to tell her what you know and see what happens then

LegacyUser

i was lot more confident she wasnt cheating b4 i came on here!!!! if she was cheating wudnt she be meeting the guy every so often? shes only been out a few times since they started txting, about 3 in total. i know if i was cheating with some1 i liked i'd make an excuse to go out a lot more?

plus if there were missed calls after she came home doesnt that mean HE mite be just lookin to meet up with her and nothin actually happened? they wudnt of been with each other earlier on in the nite, as they were in different places in town?

if i wasnt married with child it would be alot easier to leave!!

Bella_purple

leave based on your gelousy? wow, nice. and you say you have a kid... are you mature enough for that, if a gelousy thing can make things blow up your mind?

LegacyUser

Bella_purple wrote: »

leave based on your gelousy? wow, nice. and you say you have a kid... are you mature enough for that, if a gelousy thing can make things blow up your mind?

i trust you have read all my posts?? if so, you honestly think it is me being jealous and i have no reason to leave?? i dont want to leave, this is why i have not raised the issue again. but iim not going to be takin for a fool either.

i would appreciate your advice and how formed this opinion.

LighterGuy

razor27 wrote: »

i trust you have read all my posts?? if so, you honestly think it is me being jealous and i have no reason to leave?? i dont want to leave, this is why i have not raised the issue again. but iim not going to be takin for a fool either.

i would appreciate your advice and how formed this opinion.

Op, I know where you're at ... if you mention the issue again it'll create something (most likely a fight) ... and you dont want to leave, cause you love her .. however, like anyone else you dont want to be made an ejjit out of. Rightfully so.



So sadly you have to see whats really going on. This could be the very beginning stage of something that could happen. I know you are feeling the same. Its not good she is lying about texting him, and as you said previously that she is also deleting his texts. Thats another sign of hiding something.

You have to see whats being said. If its clean and nothing wrong, why hide it? ... and no offense, but your wife is clearly not going to tell you anything. She already lied.

So... you have to see whats on that phone. How? thats another problem.
All i know is, if shes lying saying shes not texting him, and quickly deleting those texts... you bet your a*s the topic on conversation isnt right.

LegacyUser

].

So... you have to see whats on that phone. How? thats another problem.
All i know is, if shes lying saying shes not texting him, and quickly deleting those texts... you bet your a*s the topic on conversation isnt right.[/QUOTE]



i thought you were gonna suggest a way of me seeing the txts for a second!!!

finally, someone understands my situation! thanks. if i suggested to her thats why she deletes the txts she'd say it wasnt and it was coz she'd know i'd freak if i knew she was txting him.......never gonna get the truth.

i saw her on facebook earlier chatting to a guy with the same first name as the guy shes txtin (dont know the guys surname so it cud be the same guy) and i cud see the txt from their conversation and it was just general stuff. im just hoping this is the same guy and i've been driving my self crazy for no reason (which wud make me an idiot). chances r its a different guy tho! only a short chat and didnt seem like they had much to say. which wudnt be the case if they were txting every few days/

i kow im sad!!!

Bella_purple

razor, so what if she speaks with somebody else?! You should not be gelouse, this is my single advise. If you trust what you have that's fine. Let her be and focus more on what you have, weather on external stuff.

Ickle Magoo

Bella_purple wrote: »

razor, so what if she speaks with somebody else?! You should not be gelouse, this is my single advise. If you trust what you have that's fine. Let her be and focus more on what you have, weather on external stuff.

I imagine he would have a lot less jealousy and trust her much more if she weren't lying to him...

Jealousy and suspicion is a spiral that both sides can get caught in. I have been there myself before the relationship I am in now. One side hides something that is actually very innocent (or not) because they fear the reaction to it. The other side finds out and the lying makes it look like something is going on. The other side then denies this in the wrong way which fuels suspicions, but maybe continues the behaviour (like texting) which THEY know is innocent, but the dishonesty in hiding it fuels the other partner even more…

… it will just get worse. The only way relationships work well I have found is to be honest on both sides and get it out there. Though when something silly comes up, like texts from an ex, people often make the HORRENDOUS error of thinking “It is better to hide this then tell him/her, because sure it is innocent and means nothing anyway, so why worry him with it” but then when the other person DOES find out, it looks like a lot more than it is, and ever would have been, and it grows legs.

If I was in your position I would sit down, say to her “Look this is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks, here is why, and I know I trust you but of course the small lies we both know you DID tell have been like a splinter in a finger gnawing at me…. I trust you, I do not mind you texting this guy… hell go have dinner with him and catch up for all I care… if he has a partner then sure ill come too…but basically be honest with me about it, WORK with me on this, and all will be ok. You do not need to hide your friends from me, I am not the jealous type, but when you DO hide them from me, alarm bells go off and that’s not good for either of us.”

If you do NOT do something like this, that splinter will get infected, and get worse and worse, until one day you’ll explode about it at her and say things you do not mean, are not constructive, and will be a lot worse than anything that actually IS going on.

Remember, if it IS happening that she is entertaining thoughts of cheating, and she is struggling with that, then a suddenly paranoid, controlling, jealous, fuming partner is the kind of thing that will influence her decision in a direction you do NOT want it to go.

The girls I currently go out with I know wouldn’t cheat on me and I trust them implicitly and they appear to tell me everything about everything in return. They stay out late some nights, come back the next day after staying over in friends, and I have never once felt the need to be suspicious.

Wibbs

Dymo wrote: »

If she's txting him, she's txting him for a reason,

This. That's what it boils down to, but the reason itself is what you have to figure out. It could be any number of reasons.

Like sam34 she may just have him as a male friend. Nothing more than that. With an ex that was long term, but fizzled out and ended mutually that can certainly happen. With an ex where there were residual feelings that's less likely though. He may be providing her with something you don't, something outside your relationship. He may be a distraction from the tendency of long termers to become a little stale, but she has no intention of leaving you or doing anything with him.

The hiding of it is a bit of a concern. If he was a mate then you would thing she'd be more open about it. I'm mates with a couple of exes. I wouldnt be contacting them nearly as much and I've met their partners and they have no issue with it.

The frequency of contact another concern. For me the biggest. If I was in a relationship where my partner was in contact 3 times a week with another guy, a guy she had some history with, I would be raising eyebrows and no mistake. I would be thinking that there was something missing from our relationship. I think I would be right too. Now some, mostly the ladies are saying watch the jealousy and trust her but I'd say if the genders were reversed and a wife found her husband was texting a woman, an ex, three times a week and meeting up with him every so often they would flip. And rightly so.

Beruthiel

Wibbs wrote: »

The frequency of contact another concern. For me the biggest. If I was in a relationship where my partner was in contact 3 times a week with another guy, a guy she had some history with, I would be raising eyebrows and no mistake.

I totally agree.
If I were to get back in contact with an ex, my current partner would be kept totally in the loop as I would have nothing to hide.
If I were hiding anything, it is because I'm feeling guilty....

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Jealousy and suspicion is a spiral that both sides can get caught in. I have been there myself before the relationship I am in now. One side hides something that is actually very innocent (or not) because they fear the reaction to it. The other side finds out and the lying makes it look like something is going on. The other side then denies this in the wrong way which fuels suspicions, but maybe continues the behaviour (like texting) which THEY know is innocent, but the dishonesty in hiding it fuels the other partner even more…

… it will just get worse. The only way relationships work well I have found is to be honest on both sides and get it out there. Though when something silly comes up, like texts from an ex, people often make the HORRENDOUS error of thinking “It is better to hide this then tell him/her, because sure it is innocent and means nothing anyway, so why worry him with it” but then when the other person DOES find out, it looks like a lot more than it is, and ever would have been, and it grows legs.

If I was in your position I would sit down, say to her “Look this is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks, here is why, and I know I trust you but of course the small lies we both know you DID tell have been like a splinter in a finger gnawing at me…. I trust you, I do not mind you texting this guy… hell go have dinner with him and catch up for all I care… if he has a partner then sure ill come too…but basically be honest with me about it, WORK with me on this, and all will be ok. You do not need to hide your friends from me, I am not the jealous type, but when you DO hide them from me, alarm bells go off and that’s not good for either of us.”

If you do NOT do something like this, that splinter will get infected, and get worse and worse, until one day you’ll explode about it at her and say things you do not mean, are not constructive, and will be a lot worse than anything that actually IS going on.

Remember, if it IS happening that she is entertaining thoughts of cheating, and she is struggling with that, then a suddenly paranoid, controlling, jealous, fuming partner is the kind of thing that will influence her decision in a direction you do NOT want it to go.

The girls I currently go out with I know wouldn’t cheat on me and I trust them implicitly and they appear to tell me everything about everything in return. They stay out late some nights, come back the next day after staying over in friends, and I have never once felt the need to be suspicious.

thanks, some good points but what about the fact she has had missed calls late at night after being in a club and he was nearby and her not coming home til 4 in a morning (but if he was with her til 4 y wud he ring at 5 wen he knows shes at home??)? aaahhh - i just dont know. it cud be my imagination running wild but i doubt it. i need to find out the guys surname coz after seeing the txt from there chat on facebook last night i feel better but im having doubts that its the same guy!

razor27

razor27 wrote: »

thanks, some good points but what about the fact she has had missed calls late at night after being in a club and he was nearby and her not coming home til 4 in a morning (but if he was with her til 4 y wud he ring at 5 wen he knows shes at home??)? aaahhh - i just dont know. it cud be my imagination running wild but i doubt it. i need to find out the guys surname coz after seeing the txt from there chat on facebook last night i feel better but im having doubts that its the same guy!

I do not know. As I said I am only describing what happened to me and of course in your situation she COULD be cheating. I simply am not in a position to tell from here.

However I know how I acted and what it looked like to the girl who eventually dumped me and if she had come on here making a post she also would be describing things JUST like you are now.

I would think something was innocent and so not mention it IN CASE it made her jealous. I knew there was nothing to be jealous of so I thought “She doesn’t need to know so huh?” which of course only spirals because you then cant tell her LATER things in case she asks "Who? Why did you not mention her before???" so best she knows nothing right? Wrong!

There were girls that I had NO romantic feelings for that I would meet for lunch without telling her and tell her I was “in college” all day. Or I would meet up with her in a pub or club and tell my girlfriend I was “out with mates”. Or at 4 in the morning one of them would phone me probably to say "Got home safe, thanks" or "You left your ID with me in case you were worried where it was" or something inoccuous and I would quickly cut off the phone call and tell her "Just my brother, dont want to talk to him at THIS time of night eh?".

Why did I do this? I have no idea. I had done nothing wrong, nor had I any intention or desire to do anything wrong. These girls were friends and no more. I guess I just felt it would be more hassle than it is worth to be honest, and then have to re-assure her for ages that “nothing is going on” if she did get jealous.

So of course when everything DID come to light, there was no way to protest my innocent. Every move I had made ended up with me looking horribly guilty of awful cheating and worse. There was no words I could say to reconcile and I lost a wonderful girlfriend because of it.

Now, with the 2 girls I live with, we tell each other everything. Literally. If I tell a friend who is a girl how much I care for them, the girls hear about this later. And the level of honesty and trust in our relationship now is INCREDIBLE. I can literally go to bed and just lie talking all night with a friend, and the girls know when I tell them that I did this that NOTHING was awry with it. They do the same with girls and guys they are close to too sometimes. There has never been a jealous or paranoid moment in our relationship so far.

Fact is if your girlfriend is not cheating, the way she is acting WILL tear you apart in the end anyway because the way you are feeling now will grow. Jealousy is one of those emotions that manages to fuel and stoke itself. It does not need extra fuel to keep it going. The relationship has to be built on 2-way trust, communication and not hiding friends from each other. She needs to tell you who her friends are, but IF AND WHEN she does and she goes off and sees a movie with an “ex” or something, you also need to trust that she is doing such in good faith.

LegacyUser

i agree with many of your points and they are comforting but there are certain differences. she never spoke to this guy for years and only stated txting him a few weeks ago after he got her no. off someone else on a night out. its not like they have been friends since. i know he tried to get her to a house party but she said she cudnt go but shes in a club (not wudnt go)!

there are so many points for and against, they pretty much cancel each other out. the guy she was chatting to last nite with the same first name - it was like they arent that friendly from the chat which implies its a different guy and she asked how he had gone on at weekend at an event....but she had txt the guy on monday and wud surely have asked him this then. but i never heard of the guy she was chatting to last nite either so that implies it is the guy shes been txting as i know all her friends etc, plus the guy shes been txting is single with a child just like the guy on facebook. im probably rambling on now...just trying to get things striaght in my head!

LighterGuy

razor27 wrote: »

thanks, some good points but what about the fact she has had missed calls late at night after being in a club and he was nearby and her not coming home til 4 in a morning (but if he was with her til 4 y wud he ring at 5 wen he knows shes at home??)?

My money would be on he was in another club ... he knew she was in the same area. As she told him. he was ringing to see where she was. Aka, wanted a hook up. Which would mean you girl was flirting with him at one point / showing a warm reception to his advances.

A rule I have found out ... if someone of the opposite sex rings a person late at night when they've been drinking ... its for a booty call. yes... sometimes it would just be good friends. But the majority is booty call.

LegacyUser

To the OP, rewind a few months and your in the same situation i was. She was txting a lot, and being very protective of her phone. I became suspicious and asked question, and was given pretty much the same answers you were. "nothing to worry about, we're only friends etc". deleting texts because id go mad, not mentioning meeting up...all sounds very familiar.

In my case I saw a message that clearly wasnt one you'd send to a "friend", there was no hiding it then. She said it was a mistake, and that she was confused due to an unusual number of tragidies in the family around the same time. She refused to stop contact, but agreed to cut down a bit. The contact was quite a bit more frequent than you mentioned. I went along with this, but soon found out that cutting down to her meant continuing on as normal. I insisted again that she cut contact, and she agreed.

That should have been the end of it, but again i found out that she had been in contact again, and had met up with him, again. I again argued my case, but was told that there was nothing going on, and that what had happened before was a mistake.

You'll probably wonder why, but I couldnt bare the thought of losign her, so i convinced myself that it was my problem, that i was jealous, and that i would have to try and deal with that.

And here i am today, back where it all started. The same pattern. its like she will die if her phone is more than arms length away. I've gone a bit further than you have and i know how much shes been texting him. I dont know what to do....

Dont make the same mistakes i made. Talk to her about it, dont let here avoid the discussion or make you feel like your being an asshole about it. Do not accept anything less than the truth, because if there is any doubt left in your mind it will grow and grow.
I know what your going through. you probably feel terrible for doubting the woman you love, like your betraying her somehow. I know i did. But it will get worse if its not dealt with.

Sorry for the rambling, misspelled and probably all over the place post, and i apologise for using your thread to vent my own problems.
I hope this doesnt make you more suspicious, and that you get something from it.

Victor

same boat and sinking wrote: »

"nothing to worry about, we're only friends etc"

Couples normally introduce their friends to each other an socialise with them.

katie99

what's so wrong with texting someone, even an ex?

You have no right whatsoever telling her to cut all contact with him?

Maybe they are just good friends.

If a bf told me who I could and couldn't see and was reading my texts he would get the boot.

You sound very insecure and very controlling.

seenitall

razor27 wrote: »

i saw her on facebook earlier chatting to a guy with the same first name as the guy shes txtin (dont know the guys surname so it cud be the same guy) and i cud see the txt from their conversation and it was just general stuff. im just hoping this is the same guy and i've been driving my self crazy for no reason (which wud make me an idiot). chances r its a different guy tho! only a short chat and didnt seem like they had much to say. which wudnt be the case if they were txting every few days/

i kow im sad!!!

I thought I'd just throw in my 2 cents' worth in here.

People who are lovers or are attracted to one another needn't always be gushing to each other or talking lovey-dovey or sexy talk, especially if they have a history together. Just keeping in touch and "touching base", talking about the most general stuff often enough will usually be enough to keep them happy if they are conducting something illicit.

Frequency of contact is a big red flag.

And so is the lying.

Sorry.

Wibbs

katie99 wrote: »

what's so wrong with texting someone, even an ex?

You have no right whatsoever telling her to cut all contact with him?

Maybe they are just good friends.

Then why all the secrecy? Why hasnt he met this bloke? Victor put it well when he said "Couples normally introduce their friends to each other an socialise with them."

If a bf told me who I could and couldn't see and was reading my texts he would get the boot.

You sound very insecure and very controlling.

I agree, the reading of the texts was out of order, but put yourself in his shoes for a second. Imagine you're in a serious long termer, married even. Now imagine your partner is texting a woman who he has some romantic history with three odd times a week, has met this woman on nights out, has hidden this from you and denies the frequency of contact. Do you not think you would ask questions and have serious concerns? I would wager good money you would. I seriously doubt you would mark it down as "maybe they're just good friends". I don't know a woman who would and they'd be dead right. Funny I do know more men who would write this off and have done. Men's biggest concern is generally "are they shagging", they tend to ignore a developing emotional relationship. Personally given a choice between a partner having a one night fling with a total stranger or near daily contact with a man, an ex no less who I've never met, I'll take the former please Carol. The latter is more likely to show a deeper malaise in the primary relationship IMHO.

seenitall wrote: »

I thought I'd just throw in my 2 cents' worth in here.

People who are lovers or are attracted to one another needn't always be gushing to each other or talking lovey-dovey or sexy talk, especially if they have a history together. Just keeping in touch and "touching base", talking about the most general stuff often enough will usually be enough to keep them happy if they are conducting something illicit.

Frequency of contact is a big red flag.

And so is the lying.

Sorry.

They may not be getting physical at all. That may not be what she gets from this guy, but she's getting something. And like we're saying the frequency of contact is a good indicator. The OP has to try to figure out what that something is.

LegacyUser

same boat and sinking wrote: »

That should have been the end of it, but again i found out that she had been in contact again, and had met up with him, again. I again argued my case, but was told that there was nothing going on, and that what had happened before was a mistake.

You'll probably wonder why, but I couldnt bare the thought of losign her, so i convinced myself that it was my problem, that i was jealous, and that i would have to try and deal with that.

And here i am today, back where it all started. The same pattern. its like she will die if her phone is more than arms length away. I've gone a bit further than you have and i know how much shes been texting him. I dont know what to do....

thanks again for all the input. you too Wibb

Same boat - how have you gone furthe rnad kow how often shes been txting him? i know how often shes been txting the guy 2, probably days of the week but theres no way of me being able to tell how often in a day or what is said in the txts. shes goin on a girls nite out now in a few weeks and made it perfectly clear im not invited - is this becoz shes meeting him??? the nite out is with the girls, i know that coz i saw the txts but she had also txt him the day it was organised, was that to say she'l be out that nite? or is it me thinking the worst?

i know you say have a talk with her but its pointless, ive had the talk 3 times and get the same answer, its just general chat with him every so often and she was never with him and if i dont trust her that says a lot!!! i cant let on i check her fone everyday coz u just cant do that. i have no proof that she was with him or wants to be and until i get this i cant do anythign surely................even if she does meet up with him on the girls nite out i have no way of knowing!!!

LegacyUser

razor27 wrote: »

thanks again for all the input. you too Wibb

Same boat - how have you gone furthe rnad kow how often shes been txting him? i know how often shes been txting the guy 2, probably days of the week but theres no way of me being able to tell how often in a day or what is said in the txts. shes goin on a girls nite out now in a few weeks and made it perfectly clear im not invited - is this becoz shes meeting him??? the nite out is with the girls, i know that coz i saw the txts but she had also txt him the day it was organised, was that to say she'l be out that nite? or is it me thinking the worst?

i know you say have a talk with her but its pointless, ive had the talk 3 times and get the same answer, its just general chat with him every so often and she was never with him and if i dont trust her that says a lot!!! i cant let on i check her fone everyday coz u just cant do that. i have no proof that she was with him or wants to be and until i get this i cant do anythign surely................even if she does meet up with him on the girls nite out i have no way of knowing!!!

You can sit here all day every day posting the same thing; you can't talk to her, you won't get anywhere with it, she'll say the same thing. You're gaining nothing from this but further fears, backed up by strangers on the internet.

No-one here can tell you how to make her deleted texts re-appear or give you the surname of her male friend.

You won't be told what you want to hear by someone on an online forum.

I think you need to try a different approach.

Let her see what this is doing to you. If it doesn't bother her that she's upsetting her partner to this extent, then she doesn't care very much about you.

Show her how you feel, how this upsets you. You don't have to directly say that you went through her phone, tell her you know she's texting him more often than she admits and it's destroying you, your trust in her.

By now, the damage is done. The trust is gone. You have little to lose. She may get upset, but so what? You're upset right now. You're stressed. You're suffering due to her unfair actions.

If you don't do something about this soon it'll be too late. You'll tear your relationship apart from the inside with worry and stress every time you're apart from her, "Is she with him? Are they meeting up while I'm at work?".

Is it worth that? Is this girl you love so much worth that pain long-term? Maybe it's all innocent but is it worth being made a mug out of?


Two words:

Confront her.

If she is cheating on you there is nothing you can do really.

If she is not, and she is in fact acting like I was in my above posts then a change in YOUR behaviour is what is needed here.

Instead of asking “Are you texting him… are you meeting him….. are you into him… are you are you are you….” the whole time, change your tactics. This will make things worse.

Start showing interest in HIM instead of her relationship with him.. Ask about him. Just casually sometime come out with “So this John fella we were talking about the other day, what’s he do with himself anyway?” and when she tells ya say “Oh meet him at college or what….. is he seeing anyone…. Do your friends seehim much… ”. Whatever questions you can think of.

Basically make it obvious you are not bothered this guy is her friend and you are genuinely interested in knowing all about him and what he is like. Lead up to saying “Ya should meet up some time and catch up” and let her do that and trust her when she does.

IF she is acting like I did, this will show her that she has nothing to hide from you and no reason to hide it. However if you go on like you are now, the more she thinks telling you about him will make you jealous, the more she will therefore hide things, and the more jealous you will get and this circle will continue forever… and if that is the way things go on I can tell you right now that this relationship you are in is already over, like a walking headless chicken that just has not fallen over yet.

LegacyUser

razor27 wrote: »

thanks again for all the input. you too Wibb

Same boat - how have you gone furthe rnad kow how often shes been txting him? i know how often shes been txting the guy 2, probably days of the week but theres no way of me being able to tell how often in a day or what is said in the txts. shes goin on a girls nite out now in a few weeks and made it perfectly clear im not invited - is this becoz shes meeting him??? the nite out is with the girls, i know that coz i saw the txts but she had also txt him the day it was organised, was that to say she'l be out that nite? or is it me thinking the worst?

Every day, and i went further by checking her mobile history online.
Asking her is the only option, and unless you trust the answers she gives you its only going to get worse.

LegacyUser

Op I think you need to inevst in a private detective to put your mind at ease once and for all.

either that or as the trust is gone break up with her just dont be heartbroken when you find out she went straight to this guy.

Bella_purple

Hey! Your partnere isn't your possesion. Repeat in front of the mirror 3 times/ day, after meal, for 3 months. Then, if necessary, repeat the medication as above prescribed :P .

Wibbs

Eh are we reading the same thread? I have to say I notice more women than men seem to use this "not your possession" argument in these type of problems, but I'm 100% sure that if they themselves were in this situation they would flip. Dead right too.

I've seen similar in this forum before. When the shoe is on the other foot you see more women checking emails and texts of their partners and condoning it as good sense if they suspect something and getting agreement from mostly other women. If a man does it? Bit of a diff.* In my personal experience, while men can and will do this, many more women I've known have checked up on their boyfriends and read emails, facebook, texts etc.

OK then forget all that put yourself in his shoes. Your husband and the father of your child, is secretly texting on an almost daily basis an old flame he has recently reconnected with. He has met this woman on nights out. When you ask him what's what, he downplays it or flat out denies it, yet you know he's still in contact and shows no indication he wants to discuss it much less stop. And when you do ask him he gets very defensive and starts a row. Are you honestly telling us (or yourself) that you wouldnt react and repeat into mirrors "He's not my possession"? I seriously doubt you would be so easy going about it. I'd put money on it. And again you would be right.



* for the record I do not condone checking private stuff. The clue is in the name. Private. In the past I've scraped off two exes for doing so.

Bella_purple

Wibbs, if you would have asked me when I was 18, yes, I wouldn't be that easy going, as you say. Now I try to eliminate the word "gelousy". I want to rely more on common-sense and being relaistic and down to earth.
Gelousy harms you, makes you suspicious and see things that don't exist, only to back-up your twisted theory. So why put this burden on your shoulders, why put walls against the freedom of others?

shebango

sunflower27 wrote: »

And I've kicked a no good cheating bastard to the curb that had me running rings around him trying to get his attention when he was at it with his ex behind my back. He was never going to admit to it so I confirmed my suspicions, got the the hell out, sold the house and got on with my life. I dread to think how worse it could have got if I decided to just sit schtum with my gut feeling waiting for him to 'confess'.

Or worse still, I asked my ex over and over again if this is what he was doing and he lied to my face. I too confirmed my suspicions and now i'll always be the physcho. What a load of ou'l pish.

OP - this is just not worth the hassle. Please do what I wish I had have done - RUN!

Wibbs

Bella_purple wrote: »

Wibbs, if you would have asked me when I was 18, yes, I wouldn't be that easy going, as you say. Now I try to eliminate the word "gelousy". I want to rely more on common-sense and being relaistic and down to earth.
Gelousy harms you, makes you suspicious and see things that don't exist, only to back-up your twisted theory. So why put this burden on your shoulders, why put walls against the freedom of others?

Jealousy is all very well, the issue here is good bloody sense. A partner having mates or going out of a night without you is fine. In fact should be encouraged. But keeping a relationship with another man under wraps? Eh no.

sunflower27 wrote: »

And I've kicked a no good cheating bastard to the curb that had me running rings around him trying to get his attention when he was at it with his ex behind my back. He was never going to admit to it so I confirmed my suspicions, got the the hell out, sold the house and got on with my life. I dread to think how worse it could have got if I decided to just sit schtum with my gut feeling waiting for him to 'confess'.

Clearly you misunderstood. If someone has a suspicion and it seems like a valid one, then for obvious self protection checking up is warranted. The exes I mentioned had no and I mean zero reason to start snooping, they just did so. Like it was "the done thing". They couldnt see what was the big deal either. That's why I scraped them off and good riddance to them. IME many more women than men will condone and do this too. Women mates of mine have done it way more than male mates have. Not because of an actual reason like you had. That's clearly different.

What interests me in this case and others of a similar bent Ive read over the years here and in real life is how more of the ladies will say "oh trust her", or "how dare you be so possessive!", when if the shoe was on the other foot they would be hopping mad and be among the first to suggest dumping or snooping further. Rightfully. Its the lack of whats good for the goose that sometimes goes on.

The OP needs to confront her. He needs to find out what's what. If she's not willing to explain and stonewalls him further, or pulls the possessiveness line a little too much then personally my suspicions would go up. I'll lay bets that in both sunflower27 and shebango's case their partner pulled the stonewalling, denial and accusations of possessiveness and mistrust(hell shebango's ex called her a psycho). Clearly in their two cases they had damn good reasons to be suspicious. I think the OP does to tbh.

Wibbs

IME I would disagree, but we're veering off topic. Either way the OP has to confront her IMHO. Take no BS. If she's all above board then she has zero to hide and should be happy to alleviate his concerns. In her position I would. I think most of us would.