BF and Ex

Asphyxia

This is actually unreal! My boyfriend is going through a similar thing. We moved into a house recently and found stuff belonging to his ex, he wanted to throw it all away but I thought it would be better to just ask her if she wanted it back it was just photographs and I being a freelance photographer hate the thought photos destroyed. Everything went well he even replaced a tent for her that went missing it costed 50 euro!! He dropped the stuff off at her Mum's house when he was passing her town.

Anyway after doing all that she mailed him for money that she gave him when they were together well over 3/4 years ago! I think it was 200 not sure. I was pretty surprised but I was just going to give it to her anyway but my fella got really upset over it. I am not sure what he wants to do now but I was thinking of just giving it to her... am I being reasonable or just plain stupid.

carmel27

I am not sure what he wants to do now but I was thinking of just giving it to her am I being an smart or just plain stupid.[/QUOTE]

Oh God, I dont think you should.
Firstly, she sounds like an ungrateful piece of work. Ye could've dumped her stuff (I definitely would have:D) but you both went to the effort to ensure she got it back, and even replaced her stupid tent.

Secondly, you'd be going behind your boyfriends back, and therefore, if he finds out, there will be trust issues.

And, thirdly, she sounds like a wagon, and I dont think she deserves it back!

Let him make the final decision.

Asphyxia

Secondly, you'd be going behind your boyfriends back, and therefore, if he finds out, there will be trust issues.

Oh no I wouldn't do anything behind his back at all. What I mean was I would say it to him, to just give the money back as he asked me for my opinion before but I didn't give him one yet. I don't really know the girl at all, I never met her only spoke online a few times, usually defending myself from her accusations (long story)

They were together four years and that's a long time, before he mailed her about the pictures they weren't on speaking terms so he wanted to make the peace and maybe start some sort of friendship which I had no problem with. I think when she mailed him back for money it felt like a kick in the teeth really.

The Recliner

Hi Pocketfizz

I have given you your own thread, it might help you get more opinions and will keep the other thread for the person that started it

PM me if you want the title changed

If the ex is looking for money back after a few years apart it might just be easier for him to give it to her, €200 isn't much to get rid of someone who it seems is only going to upset him

DamoKen

Hi Pocketfizz, had a similar situation with an ex a few years back when it came to money she insisted was hers (it was by a very tenuous stretch on reality but story for another day). 200 isn't a lot of cash really and purely for peace of mind on your boyfriends part I'd just transfer it, one line email stating as such and cut any further contact.

Leaves her with no ammunition to come back at him with and lets him put it to rest happy in the knowledge that he did everything fairly.

From personal experience I know there can be a lot of unjustified vindictiveness, never understood it but quickest way of solving it is just pay it. Fair enough it was years back that she gave the money and she is just doing it to be petty and have a dig at him hoping to score some obscure point. She did give him the money though so technically he still owes it, however unfair it maybe to ask for it now.

If he pays promptly and with no fuss it completely defuses the situation. Added bonus is he comes out with head held high and she is shown up for the petty ex she obviously is . (yeah I'm aware it's a little petty to think that but after all the hassle some form of satisfaction can be sweet!)

Asphyxia

Oh thanks for making this a thread never thought of posting it myself. Thanks for the replies I still don't know what to say to him. We spoke a bit about it and I don't think he wants to give it to her, not because he is greedy but because she upset him. I am really stumped on what advice to give him. I need help!

dublingal80

honestly - if i was in that situatin i would just give her the money and get rid of her for good. if you dont, she could keep popping up and wrecking your head. she sounds like a bit of a nut job to be asking for money after 3 or 4 years. pathetic. but id say to him, look, lets just give her the money and she will be gone out of your life forever

ABajaninCork

In some ways I can see what the other posters are saying - Give her the money, and let that be an end to it....In an ideal world, yes, that would be so.

But what's to say the ex doesn't come back with some other nonsense? The first time, it was a tent. This time, it's over money he may or may not owe. Two of my exes still owe me money, but I let it go. Better that, that giving them the excuse to start something again. It's a relatively small sum.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - Pay the wretched money if you wish and it makes her happy. But after this, for the sake of your collective sanity CUT ALL TIES! Change your numbers if you need to.

There's no point in dragging this out and trying to have some sort of friendship. It's just not going to work. Your bloke's moved on with you, but it sounds as though she hasn't if she's dragging up old stuff again.

PopUp

I don't see how not giving her the money is even an option.

You borrow money, you pay it back. The fact they are no longer an item is irrelevant IMO. It's not his money to keep.

Redpunto

If there isn't any question that he owes her the money then he should pay it back, not you, him. Why is he getting upset over this. Surely if hes over the whole relationship he'd just pay up.

Asphyxia

Hey everyone. I have no problem with him paying her back at all, why should I it all happend long before I was with him and I didn't mean that I would pay her myself that would be ridiculous. I just posted on a thread in the same situation and the mod turned my posts into a thread of it's own. I showed my fella your posts and he's happy for the advice but I don't think it was as much about her asking for the money that annoyed him, it was the way she asked after he went to the effort of getting her stuff back to her and replacing an item. He told me that they made better friends than anything else and after a complicated few years he wanted the friendship mended. I guess he was a bit put out over it but I think things are okay now.

We definately don't need to go changing any numbers or anything she isn't a crazy girl or anything lives her own life and isn't trying to cause problems, probably just wants her money back, which as I said I don't have a problem with.

Firetrap

Definitely don't go behind your boyfriend's back and give her the money. Other than that, if she wants her €200 back let her have it and hopefully that'll be the end of it. Cut all contact with her just in case she starts looking for anything else. It does sound odd that she never missed her photography equipment after all this time and then as soon as she got that back, she magically remembers the two hundred quid.

Asphyxia

Firetrap wrote: »

Definitely don't go behind your boyfriend's back and give her the money. Other than that, if she wants her €200 back let her have it and hopefully that'll be the end of it. Cut all contact with her just in case she starts looking for anything else. It does sound odd that she never missed her photography equipment after all this time and then as soon as she got that back, she magically remembers the two hundred quid.

No I never was going to go behind my fella's back at all, it wasn't any photography equipment that he had it was just photos belonging to her. Yeah it was annoying that she asked for the money back now because we aint making much so it's a bit hard, but it's her money and he is giving it to her just might take awhile. I have no problems with the girl at all if they want to keep in contact and be friends I don't mind.

It is possible that the return of the items to her was a bit of a shake up. Not that she thought the relationship was not “over” or anything like that, but having her stuff suddenly turn up in her mums house when she was not there might have been a wake up call that it is really “over” and maybe brought some issues or emotions flooding back to her.

Maybe the photos and stuff you gave back even had some emotional relevance from the time he was with her, whether loosely or directly.

If he lent her the money then of course she is due it back, there is no question on that. However her actually asking for it now and the tone and method she used when doing it might just be an emotional kick back from that flood of emotion and memory. Best to give her the money and let it slide this time.

Asphyxia

Deleted User wrote: »

It is possible that the return of the items to her was a bit of a shake up. Not that she thought the relationship was not “over” or anything like that, but having her stuff suddenly turn up in her mums house when she was not there might have been a wake up call that it is really “over” and maybe brought some issues or emotions flooding back to her.

Maybe the photos and stuff you gave back even had some emotional relevance from the time he was with her, whether loosely or directly.

If he lent her the money then of course she is due it back, there is no question on that. However her actually asking for it now and the tone and method she used when doing it might just be an emotional kick back from that flood of emotion and memory. Best to give her the money and let it slide this time.

Hey! No I don't think it was a shock to her at all, my fella PM her on Facebook asking did she want them back so she was expecting the stuff at her mothers anyway.

I'm not sure if it got to her, I actually thought that it went well because there was no fighting back and forth through the messages and usually it always ends up that way. The way she asked for the money upset him and I think he wanted to try having a friendship which from what he said he doesn't think will happen, he was always going to give it back to her because it's the right thing to do.