Not seeing boyfriend enough

LegacyUser

First off, sorry for the long post, but I've a lot to get off my chest.

Myself and my boyfriend are both in our early twenties, we've been together 4 years, both still in college, and both living at home. Of late, I've been feeling very much that I'm not being prioritised over other things in his life. I understood this during the college year, when he had exams (and so did I). But the summer has come and nothing has changed, he's just putting different things ahead of me.

One of these, in particular, is a volunteer group. I feel awful complaining about this, since he's giving so much time to people who really need it. I don't want him to give it up or anything, but he spends day after day, afternoon and evening, working on stuff for the group, and I'd like some (not all) of that time to be spent on me instead.

He's also very close to his family, and spends a lot of time doing things with them and for them. He sees this as something that's very important. My family isn't as close-knit (we are very close, we just don't do as much together), so maybe I just find this hard to understand as I don't have a lot of experience of it. That said, it's becoming very tiresome that he constantly can't spend time with me because he has to drop family members places, collect them from places, entertain guests (usually friends of his parents) with the family, etc.

We live a little bit away from each other, and to be honest it's me doing most of the travelling. I reckon I'd be seeing even less of him if I didn't appear on his doorstep every couple of days.

It's also very difficult to get him to do things. Back at the start of the relationship, we used to date all the time. Now about all we do is go out for dinner every so often, and then come home and sit on the couch (at which point, the laptop may well come out and work will continue on behind-the-scenes volunteer stuff). I've tried getting him to go jogging (he's tired), to go to sports matches (I'm not really into it - actually he's flat out refused to go to these even though I said I'd really like him to), to go to the cinema (there's nothing on), etc. If a mutual friend organises something and invites us he'll go though, sometimes with a bit of persuasion. And if there's some sort of family occasion on, he'll throw himself into it and make sure I'm involved. He has one major interest that I'm not really bothered with, but I've made a big effort to become involved with it anyway, and always go with him to any of these events that he wants to go to. It doesn't seem to work the other way though.

Now, the thing is, I don't think he's doing any of this to try to avoid me. He seems genuinely happy with our relationship being like this. He's continued to say all the right things, he does some really sweet things for me from time to time, he calls me nearly every night, texts me every day, etc. He also says he misses me when we haven't seen each other for a few days - this is how we usually end up going out to dinner now.

About six months ago I mentioned that I wasn't really happy with how things were, but not a lot changed. So three months or so ago we sat down, had a big discussion about it, and things got better for a little while. He said he didn't want to lose me, and to be fair he put in a big effort. Now though, we're nearly back to square one again. And now that I don't have college to concentrate on, it's really getting me down. It's started to affect our sex life too (to be honest, I've started feeling uncomfortable even hugging or kissing him, never mind doing anything in the bedroom).

What do I do? I know this guy cares deeply about me, but I don't think he naturally expresses that in the same way I do, or in the way I'd like him to. I don't want our relationship to end, and I don't want to hurt him (I know breaking up with him would hurt him. A lot.) But is there any point in talking about it again? Is it just going to be putting another sticking plaster on top of the one that's already coming off? Thanks to anyone who can help.

Faith

I really felt for you reading your post. I've been in exactly the same situation. My ex had time for everything except me. We lived 80 miles away, and I worked on Saturdays so he'd come to me every weekend (I also usually had the house to myself, while his parents were home every weekend). During the week he had drama soc, rehearsing for a play, music soc, college, assignments, gigs, normal socialising etc, and then he had band practice Friday nights. He'd arrive up at midnight on Friday, I'd work until 5.30 on Saturday, and he'd leave in the afternoon on Sunday.

For us, no matter how much I tried to talk to him about it, we never got anywhere. It became apparent he just didn't have time for me in his life, and he refused to make it. He started to resent even me ringing him because I was always interrupting something. It was soul destroying. I became clingy and the more he had on, the less I did so I could see him. He had a full life and suddenly I had nothing besides him. When the relationship ended, I was devastated, but a tiny part of me was relieved. I no longer had to obsess about seeing him, or keep my weekends free to squeeze in a few hours with him.

I don't know that I really have any advice for you, but I wanted to say I've been there. You need to decide if you can be happy with this arrangement long-term, because chances are he'll never change. Or would you rather face the pain and come out on the other side and find a man who makes you his world?

LegacyUser

I've been in a similar situation.... forge your own distractions/obsessions- be unavailable to meet/go out when he wants to....whatever he does, mirror. He can't really complain about it, as you're only prioritising other things in your life, like he does. So if he sees a problem with that, then he can see your problem with him. Then change might happen.

SheRa

Huge huge +1 to Faith's post. Theres nothing worse than knowing that you are becoming clingy in response to someone else's behaviour, it is utterly soul destroying. Can you continue with this pattern long term?

LegacyUser

SheRa wrote: »

Huge huge +1 to Faith's post. Theres nothing worse than knowing that you are becoming clingy in response to someone else's behaviour, it is utterly soul destroying. Can you continue with this pattern long term?

Terribly sad to hear this. I cant work out how somebody becomes clingly in response to somebody's behaviour in this way though. I would have thought that if somebody felt neglected, it would have been the opposite. My ex became very reliant on me and I thought I had done everything possible to try and ensure that we lead two lives joined together by our love for each other, somewhat meeting in the middle. I realise now that every effort I made to talk and work things out was ignored. I had a life that kept me busy and it seems to me now that my OH resented that even though I thought I made a lot of effort. I would love to know what was expected of me because I really didnt expect to have to give up my life as part of my relationship.

Elle Collins

Inthesameboat wrote: »

I would love to know what was expected of me because I really didnt expect to have to give up my life as part of my relationship.

I don't know what was expected of you, but what's expected of the OP's 'partner' (as if he's even earned the title) is to actually make some time to have the relationship he's supposed to be having.

Sadly OP I'm in full agreement Faith's post and think you are banging your head against a brick wall here. His family/volunteering/etc are all more important in his eyes than his relationship, therefore it is not a relationship you ought to stay in, for your own sake hon.

My advice is to get out there and find a man who doesn't just pay lip-service to love, but actually backs it up with the respect, commitment and consideration that are every bit as important to a relationship, if not more so.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice everyone

suckmyloli

You are young so you have a lot of great experiences waiting ahead of you. Unfortunately there is no pill (figuratively speaking, course you can take drugs if you want but you shouldn't) you can take to make hurt and pain go away. Tough love is the only solution.

His natural rhythm with you has become his life and interests No. 1 and you No. 2. If you were a teenager I would say just tough it out cos the prospect of a future isn't really there anyway, but because you are in your early 20's (and this is the age when we met out spouses usually). I will say this:

This won't change without huge efforts from both sides, more than likely couples counselling or something. Which in my experience isn't really an option for a lot of males as this seems to signify some sort of defeat which scares them.

Long story short, everyone deserves a guy or girl that is crazy about them. Someone who would move the sun and moon for you if they could. Although it may be a long search for someone who does this for you and has other qualities you like, it will be worth it. Why settle for a man (or woman) who loves and cares for you when you could have that and a man who makes you feel like you are the queen of his world??

It is a very hard situation indeed. Most people who’s partner is absent to this degree will be absent for horrible reasons. Drinking, cheating, gambling, you name it. The reasons THIS guy is missing are pure and good reasons.

I can even imagine what might be going on in his head. He must be horribly confused that anyone would want him to cut back what he is currently doing. Volunteer work and dedication to ones family, these are great things! “Why cant she understand what I’m doing” he must be thinking. I can even see the OP thinking like this herself when she says “I feel awful complaining about this, since he's giving so much time to people who really need it“ forgetting that SHE is one of the people who really needs it.

His failing however appears to be that he thinks relationships are something that just happen, and just work, and all is always ok once you’re a good person and you love the other. This is never the reality. You find the most perfect person for you in the world and the relationship will still need work. They do not just tick along like a well oiled machine forever. They need maintenance, constantly, not just periodic nice gestures or romantic overtures.

This is the idea that needs to be got across to him, because as much as you type lines like “I don't want our relationship to end” it WILL end if both parties are not working on it no matter how much desire for success both of you invest in it. Right now it sounds like only ONE party is working on it, you.

You can cling on until the last second otherwise, like a cartoon character trying to hold on to the broken wing of his plane with his fingers and the plane itself with his toes until finally, limbs stretched to comical proportions, he finally has to let go. But if the wing can not be repaired, then let go they do every time.

shelly1234

hey OP, im in the same situation really, my bf and i lived together for almost a year then due to unforseeable circumstances we moved home (money, he was needed at home etc.) when we lived together we completely wrapped ourselves up in each other.. i used to be fun, bubbly and outgoing, always going out with my friends and he would always be wanting me by his side and with him at all times...when we moved out he all of a sudden got this life out of nowhere!!! always out working and working at home on his spare time and then meetin up with his friends and stuff ALWAYS BUSY! and now im left feeling like i have no life! and because i too only see him at weekends i dont plan anything with my friends because by the time the weekend comes im dying to see him!!! we dont do anythign when he comes to see me only get a takeaway and lye on the couch!!! and if i say anythign about not seeing him he just says thats his life and more or less like it or lump it! i love him to death and just wish he would go back to the way he was before! i have no problem with us havin seperate lives but all week! some weeks he is all about me tellin me he loves me so much etc but then another week he will barely text me!!! sooo frustrating because i know he can be the man i want him to and i just cant understand where that man goes sometimes! sorry not really advice just sympathising caus im in the same situation!