Can't agree on having kids

LegacyUser

I'll try not to ramble...

I am 32, almost 33, female. Living with partner of almost six years. We met when we both worked in a bank together. I,however had always wanted to act and eventually left office work to do this. My partner continued in the bank. He was very supportive of me, however this has changed somewhat since we entered our thirties. While I have had infrequent,yet very enjoyable and fulfilling work, he has moved up the ladder, taken finance exams and focused alot on himself. Now he feels his next step is to become a parent. I, however, don't feel ready to this at all. I feel like I only discovered what I wanted to do a bit later than most people and just don't feel ready to give that up to devote my life to a baby yet. This conversation has cropped up from time to time over the last few years but now it's just present all the time. He comes from a large family, everyone had children young. I've already been told by his mother that I am "a certain age". (this wasn't even recently btw). My parents are different, would never comment or interfere but even his grandparents have no problem asking when they can expect grandkids. The last time I finished a play I was asked my one of his family members "would I not just have a baby seeing as how I have no job".

My partner now has younger siblings who are starting to settle down and I actually think he'll be annoyed if one of them beats him to it so to speak. In the meantime,I'm becoming a nervous wreck. My brain is constantly thinking about this, I'm constantly questioning myself, I don't know if I just don't want kids and thats why I'm stalling or if not wanting kids yet is a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. I've even got to the point where I'm questioning my personality, wondering if I'm deluded to keep on with the acting thing. He suggested to me recently that I try to get into the public sector, so as to have a steady job for life. I wanted to punch him. I've always paid my share where the mortgage etc is concerned, I always save when I'm working. It made me feel like he just didn't take me seriously or worse, get me at all! Its like he was humouring me for those years he was distracted with his own career progression and maybe while he felt we were young enough to be silly. But now he wants to get serious, or rather me to. I'm being forced to fit into this traditional domestic scenario. There is constant resentment in the air now between us. We haven't had sex for some months. The stage it's at now is he expects me to snap out of it one of these days. But in fact I feel my head is going to explode.

Just to point out, I;m not unaware of how frustrating or painful it must be for someone, man or woman, to really really want to have children. I do understand it's difficult for him too. I just don't know how to fix it.

Any advice, especially from anyone under similiar pressure, greatly appreciated.

trio

Honestly I'm not sure you can fix it. This coming from a mid-thirties female who has no kids, has no desire to, and wants to still be young. I mean, I've just applied for college!

Luckily, I have a guy who has zero desire for kids, but even though we were both on the same page we did discuss it to death. I mean, if I got knocked up tomorrow, what would my/his expectations be? Would I be resentful if I made it to 42 and suddenly realised the door was closed? And so on.

I think wanting/not wanting kids are one of those things that are a dealbreaker for non-married couples who are in their thirties.

Frankly, if he has some schedule in his head, then he needs to share it with you. If he wants kids by Age XX, then you really need to know. Has he told you exactly what he wants?

I'm presuming he wants the steady job not just for security (in case something happens to his career) but also for the maternity leave. Has he clarified WHY he wants you to give up acting?

Lastly, the one burning question. How many broody moments have you had in your life?

I can honestly say that by age 32 my answer was "less than 3 and those only most fleetingly". So that right there, told me a lot.

Cheap Thrills!

pressurised wrote: »

I feel like I only discovered what I wanted to do a bit later than most people and just don't feel ready to give that up to devote my life to a baby yet.

Doing 'what you want' is a bit of a luxury if it doesn't finance itself. If it does, grand no problem. But it sounds like you expect work to be fulfilling and enjoyable. For 99% of people it is not, it's just a means to an end. You need to be able to support yourself.

pressurised wrote: »

I'm constantly questioning myself, I don't know if I just don't want kids and thats why I'm stalling or if not wanting kids yet is a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship

Hmmm. OP when you are in a relationship for 6 years then you should know how you feel about this important issue. This 'I'm not sure and maybe later' angst is not really fair on your partner. When will you know?

He needs to know where he stands.

pressurised wrote: »

I've even got to the point where I'm questioning my personality, wondering if I'm deluded to keep on with the acting thing.

It's up to you but the litmus test is, can you pay your own way?
If yes, continue, if no, well you need a plan B. We all have talents but it's very few people that can expect to make money from it.

pressurised wrote: »

It made me feel like he just didn't take me seriously or worse, get me at all! Its like he was humouring me for those years he was distracted with his own career progression and maybe while he felt we were young enough to be silly.

It's very likely he doesn't take you seriously and I would say you are 100% correct about him humoring you. Everyone on the planet thinks they'd be a great actor/writer/artist...yet most are working ordinary jobs.

pressurised wrote: »

Just to point out, I;m not unaware of how frustrating or painful it must be for someone, man or woman, to really really want to have children. I do understand it's difficult for him too. I just don't know how to fix it.

Well, I'd have to say its 'sh!t or get off the pot' time. If you don't know whether you want kids/dont know whether you ever will know then you have to stop messing him around and let him meet someone who wants the same things.

fungun

trio wrote: »

I think wanting/not wanting kids are one of those things that are a dealbreaker for non-married couples who are in their thirties.

+1

I know a number of people in reln who were together for years, split up for this reason in their 30s and then one partner got with another partner and had kids quite quickly.

As was said - decision time.

In terms of that one comment jumps out at me:

I feel like I only discovered what I wanted to do a bit later than most people and just don't feel ready to give that up to devote my life to a baby yet.

A baby is a big commitment for sure but it does not mean you have to devote your whole life to it. Its a large % of your life for a few years but once they are in school its not so bad. Also nearly everything else you can do whenever you want to - but a baby can only be done whilst young.

Anyway what Id do in your shoes is have a long think about how you really feel about kids independent of your reln...and try to think about how you will feel in 10 years time. If you look at yourself in the mirror and can really say you never want kids then you really have to say this to your partner. If you think you do want kids at some stage then at least you have a starting point of a discussion with your partner.

Beruthiel

pressurised wrote: »

I'm constantly questioning myself, I don't know if I just don't want kids and thats why I'm stalling or if not wanting kids yet is a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship.

You need to break this down in order to come to a decision.

The very first thing you must decide is whither or not you actually want children.
For some women, this is a very easy decision, they know exactly what they want.
At 33, it is something that must be decided in the not too distant future anyway. I honestly don't know how women have the energy as they get older. Taking care of young children can be quite taxing.

I know that if I hadn't accidently gotten pregnant at a young age, I'd probably be like you. I regret nothing but I was also able to make a decision after that, no more. Having a large family was not for me. She's 22 now and she's great!

Once you decide whither or not you want children, the rest should fall into place. If you don't, you need to let your b/f go so he can find someone who does.

Perhaps a professional can help you talk this through so that you can see more clearly.

How Strange

OP, I can empathise with a lot of your post. Like you I only figured out what I wanted to do or more importantly didn't want to do in my late 20's so by my early 30's I didn't feel anywhere near ready to consider children even though I knew physically I was running out of time.

However, in my relationship it was my OH who didn't want children and was quite vocal about it at times. So for me I was torn between not wanting to have children right now but perhaps I would in the future and being with someone who said he'd never have children. For me, it meant this question was constantly on my mind and it was one we couldn't reconcile. It just kept going round and round in circles. Eventually my OH changed his mind of his own accord.

To add to this my mother was always dropping not very subtle hints about me having a baby and when was I going to have one and shouldn't I be thinking about it. Honestly, that kind of pressure p1ssed me off because I was dealing with the problem in our relationship which no-one else knew about.

I don't have any answers for you OP but I think you need to sit down and talk to your OH about this. After feeling like I was walking on egg shells for 3 years, myself and my OH did this last year. I knew that starting the conversation may have meant the end of the relationship but I just put my thoughts, feelings and aspirations for our future out there and asked him honestly what he thought. It worked out well for us but it was a 50/50 gamble.

Perhaps you and your OH need to know what you both want in the future. Have a conversation about where you see yourselves in 2 years. You also need to discuss babies and children. You need to be upfront about whether you see it as a possibility in the next 3 or so years or never at all as it does seem to be important to your OH. Similarly he should be able to see that you're not a regular 9-5er and respect that you have a different career path.
Perhaps if you have an honest discussion and see that you share the same life goals it may take the pressure off you regarding feeling pressured to have a child within a certain timeframe.

Smallbit

I've been under that pressure but in my case it was to have a third child...

If you don't want to have children yet, you have to make sure he knows you won't be forced or swayed by his or the family's opinions. You can't just pretend you want kids to make someone happy

Reading through your post, it looks like you and your partner are on completely different wavelengths. You want completely different things and have reached a decision point in your life together.

However, rather than feeling anger toward your partner, perhaps you could simply focus on the fact that you are different, with different priorities. You say he pursued a career and focussed on himself a lot when in fact your own pursuit of a rewarding acting career could be interpreted as far more selfish than his. You gave up your job and he took an implied responsibility for supporting you in the event that your gamble didn't pay off.

So perhaps he thought it was something you'd work out of your system before settling down to domestic bliss while he concentrated on ensuring that there was a reliable source of income for his imagined future family with you.

In any case, you need to clearly state your case, and let him state his, and then allow him to come to his own conclusions. His interpretation of the past few years might be entirely different to yours, for example if there's been a large disparity in income, he may assume that he's 'owed' in some way, despite you covering the basics.

jurgenscarl

It's quite obvious you don't want kids.

You are not a breeding mare that must provide him with a son and heir.

If he wants kids and you don't and you are being bullied into having kids and you haven't had sex in months, what is the point of continuing this relationship????

Your instincts are telling you don't want this.

Go with your instincts.

In five or ten years time do you want a broken relationship with your kids caught in the middle?

You and your partner have come to the crunch.

You should finish this relationship as soon as possible.

Jenneke87

jurgenscarl wrote: »

It's quite obvious you don't want kids.

You are not a breeding mare that must provide him with a son and heir.

If he wants kids and you don't and you are being bullied into having kids and you haven't had sex in months, what is the point of continuing this relationship????

Your instincts are telling you don't want this.

Go with your instincts.

In five or ten years time do you want a broken relationship with your kids caught in the middle?

You and your partner have come to the crunch.

You should finish this relationship as soon as possible.

All the posts I´ve read from you today are extremely black and white. Would you be able to give up a 6 year relationship instantely? They are obviously together for a reason otherwise they wouldn´t have been able to last for this long. They are now facing a serious issue in their relationship. Breaking up as soon as possible as you say isn´t a very mature way to handle that don´t you think?

OP, I think you need to have a good chat with you other half? Does he want kids because really wants them or because his grandparents are nagging for the next set of grandkids?

seamus

I can give you some advice here from experience. I'm married to a professional actress and before we got married we were going out for ten years. So perhaps I'm in a slightly different position to your OH in that I've always known that my wife is doing something which she loves and I've never been under any illusion that it's a "phase" or something that she will snap out of.

I can tell you that of all the actors on the planet, less than 1% of them are making a living at their art. The other 99-odd% fill the gaps between acting jobs with various ways of making money, be that doing menial work, collecting the dole, or doing various other acting-like jobs such as dressing up as viking in Dublinia and scaring schoolchildren.

Even those famous actors who get 6 months on the Gaiety stage will manage to put food on the table for about 8 months in total, and after that they are back to what they did before that, waiting and working towards their next acting job. Actors rarely get job after job after job after job. There is *always* downtime.

I'm explaining this to you for a number of reasons. Firstly, don't let it get you down. Every single actor goes through periods where they think they're wasting their time and they're ****. They come and go.

Secondly, if you know that this is what you want to do, then your partner needs to be with you, 100%. He needs to accept that there will be times when your income is low and he will have to supplement that and he needs to accept that you're never going to "just settle down" and get a 9-5 job. The partner of an actor equally gets to suffer highs and lows and this is primarily why two actors make poor relationships - it's all up and down with no rock to keep things stable. He needs to decide whether he's capable of being that rock and having a partner who is occasionally unstable (financially and often emotionally).

Thirdly, as always, there is no perfect time to have a baby. Dramatic arts are something of a flexible beast, and actually quite well suited to having a child. You often work crazy or scant hours, meaning that the child does not have to be booked into a creche for half its young life while you both work from 7am to 7pm. You don't have to give up anything to have a child, and once you've given birth, there's very little to stop you getting back into acting and continuing to work on your career. Maintain your contacts during your pregnancy, try to score pregnancy-specific jobs (ads are good money) and you might even find your career enhanced by the whole thing.
There is no reason to think that having a baby requires you to become dull and settle for an ordinary life. Having a child does not consume your life.

The third item I mention is what I think you need to focus on. It sounds to me like you're trying to make excuses to an extent as to why you don't want to go through with children now. Yes, it will be an interruption in your career, but as long as you remain focussed, it doesn't mean an end to anything. You're not old, but your body isn't in it's prime any longer.

You need to decide whether you'd be OK with not being able to conceive 5/10 years down the line, if you decide that having children isn't right for you right now.

Taltos

OP

If you do not want kids - that is actually perfectly OK.
Many of us do not.

I am sure many of us though are conflicted though
> pressure from our partners who think it is just a phase
> pressure from parents & family - "ah sure who'll look after you when you're old"
> pressure from society
> pressure from just about everyone.

However, when you know you don't want kids (and unlike not knowing what you want to do with your life - you do know 100% you don't want kids) - well when you know - you have to be totally honest and upfront about it.
I am not saying - throwing it in everyones face - but for your family and partners at least - they have to believe you when you say it will never happen.

Otherwise - they could end up following on for years - hoping that you might just change your mind - or that you might just fall pregnant and end up loving the child.

Figure out what you really want as above.
Then sit down with your partner and let him know.
Either
a) he will accept it and stay with you
b) he will just leave
c) he will hang around hoping you will change your mind / have an accident...

But saying nothing at all - letting him think you might change your mind - that is a recipe for disaster.

Hope it all works out, one way or another.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to reply. You've no idea how much of a relief it is to get this off my chest and also receive genuine impartial advice.

I have had had definite feelings of broodiness, certainly more than 3! It's usually followed by terror but I do feel that i would regret not having children. I find it hard to understand my partners absolute certainty but again, his family are so different to mine. They are more of the opinion "it's what people do so get on with it" whereas my mother always expressed what a big,emotional thing it was to her to have children and how it shouldn't be a decision taken lightly and I guess I've picked this up too. It's just huge to me. So I feel that if it happens, I better have everything out of the way that I want to do beforehand! Probably putting myself under more pressure now that I think about it.

I realise I need to sit down and very openly discuss this now with my partner. I feel actual pressure in my head when I think about it so its definitely time to get it out. I know it sounds ridiculous but it became so big that it almost became a joke, with comments being passed (by him) rather than real discussion. I relate to the poster who said that she knew sitting down with her partner to discuss this possibly meant the end to the relationship and i think that has played a part in this being dragged out also.

I'm a bit envious of people who knew without doubt what they wanted. One or two of my friends have children and it seems like the decision was so easy for them. Whereas I've been reduced to a basketcase while trying to work it out!

Thank you so much again to everyone for replying. And thank you Seamus for taking the time to post your experience with your partner.