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Kissed another guy- don't feel that bad

  • 05-07-2010 11:19am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Right before I go into any detail- I know I should just break up with my boyfriend but it's complicated and I can't just cut the cord like that so just bear with me

    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years but the last 9 months have just been full of fighting and picking at each other and just not overly pleasant. I've tried to break up with him and given him the option of walking away and for us to stay friends and he just won't do it. Everytime we have a breaking up discussion, he says that he doesn't want to break up even though all the evidence points to the contrary.

    Anyway all of this has been making me feel crap about myself lately and I went out with a friend to Dublin on Saturday night, and I kissed another guy. We had been flirting all night and he was really funny and up for the laugh. We didn't exchange last names or numbers, just had a kiss outside the nightclub and went our separate ways. I didn't go out planning to meet anybody but this guy was so nice I just thought that it was nice to feel like somebody wanted me again.

    I know I should feel terrible, I cheated on my boyfriend for god's sake. But I don't feel bad at all. I feel a bit nervous about seeing him tomorrow and that I might feel weird kissing him after kissing the other guy, but I don't have that "Oh my god I can't believe what I did" guilt.

    Is there something wrong with me or am I right in thinking that this is proof that psychologically I'm already dealing with the fact that my relationship is more or less coming to an end? The worst thing is that I don't think my boyfriend would care if I told him I kissed someone else, he is just fixated on being in the relationship with me and doesn't really care about anything that I do as long as I'm with him, hence I don't think it would matter if I told him (i.e I couldn't use it as a reason to break up with him).

    I don't know what I want to hear, but I don't feel bad for kissing the other guy- does that make me a horrible person? :(


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 189 ✭✭Canluum


    You clearly don't want to be in this relationship anymore, yet you're putting all the onus on your bf to do the breaking up. Why? You're being as cowardly, if not more cowardly than him.

    ...

    Get some balls and just do it. Yes it's hard. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's worth it in the end. Get determined and don't just go in ready to be convinced otherwise. Get your reasons ready (be tactful, try keep his ego at least somewhat intact, reason with him) and don't budge on them. Come over with all his stuff, have the talk, leave no room for ambiguity, have your crying and your hugging, then when the time is right leave.

    After this, no-matter what don't contact him. If he contacts you be polite and courteous in your reply but don't give any hint that there's a chance you will get back with him, it will drag on his grieving process and is just cruel.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭shebango


    How about trying a little harder to break up with this guy?? It's like me saying 'I tried to pick up the pen'. I either picked the pen up or I didn't. Trying is bullsh*t.

    How would you feel if you were treated this way. Have some respect for yourself and break up with this guy. Not only are you disrespecting him for treating him in this way, you are ultimately disrespecting yourself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Everytime we have a breaking up discussion, he says that he doesn't want to break up even though all the evidence points to the contrary.

    Not trying to be dense here - but what?
    I mean - a breaking up discussion?? Why not just say - "We are finished. End of. I do not want to discuss it..."

    It is not like you need his permission to end it or anything. Clearly this is not working for you and now effectively you have become a cheater all through inaction. This relationship is already long over - just tell him and walk away - no matter what he says.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Contessa Raven


    I've tried to break up with him and given him the option of walking away and for us to stay friends and he just won't do it.

    But I don't feel bad at all.

    This is probably going to seem harsh but I think you need to hear it, OP.

    You haven't tried very hard to break up with him.
    Anyway,why does he have to do it? You are the one who wants to break up therefore you should have the guts to do that.

    It isn't fair to keep stringing him along when you don't love him anymore. I think you are a bad person because you are willing to just go through the motions with a guy you don't love because you are too chicken to break up with him.

    You say he doesn't want to break up even though it seems like he does - maybe he still loves you and wants to make it work. You did not once say in your post that you love him.

    How can you or he ever be truly happy if you are stuck in this relationship?

    Just do the guy a favour and let him find someone who will love him and want to be with him.

    CR


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. Would just like to insert here that I don't think it's fair that you are all passing judgements on my relationship. I said in my original post that things were complicated and I'm not telling everyone my life story here, just the things that are relevant to this post.

    To Contessa Raven- I don't think it's fair that you are passing judgement on me saying that I don't love my boyfriend. I love him dearly but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I think that's the reason I feel so little remorse for kissing the other guy- because it's just like me and boyfriend are friends now.

    And to other posters- It is more complicated than I am willing to go into detail about as regards to why I can't just say "We're done, end of". It's just not that simple.

    This is a sensitive issue and I'd appreciate if people didn't attack me. I know what I did wasn't a good thing to do, but my relationship with my boyfriend has been so fcuked up that I don't know what to feel anymore.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭fungun


    tbf there is little point looking for advice whilst not giving out the important details.

    Does kissing the guy make you a horrible person?
    No, from your post it makes you a person in a relationship that you do not want to be in.
    In nearly all cases the advice would be to break up and you do seem to want to. No one has attacked you for being unfaithful - they are supporting your feelings that you actually do not want to be in this relationship.

    So thats pretty good advice. If you cant or wont say why you actually cannot break up, then its hard to see what other advice you could be looking for/people can give you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Contessa Raven


    Hi OP,

    I can see why you feel attacked. However unless we know what the details are then it really looks to us like a "We're done. End of." solution to us.
    I'm not suggesting that you tell us. It is none of our business. But if you want honest answers from impartial people then you would have to divulge a few more details.

    As for me passing judgement, I can only go by what I see. I didn't see anywhere in your post that you love your boyfriend. If you do then fair enough but it was just an observation I made. I apologise for offending you as that wasn't my intention. I was laying out things as I saw them.

    CR


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    all of this has been making me feel crap about myself lately
    I just thought that it was nice to feel like somebody wanted me again
    he is just fixated on being in the relationship with me and doesn't really care about anything that I do as long as I'm with him, hence I don't think it would matter if I told him

    OP, this is not a healthy relationship and you know it. You need to get out of it, however complicated, however difficult, however awkward it is. It's not healthy for you, it's not making you happy and you deserve a guy that wants to be with you for all the right reasons, not because of some controlling fixation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,207 ✭✭✭hightower1


    shebango wrote: »
    How about trying a little harder to break up with this guy?? It's like me saying 'I tried to pick up the pen'. I either picked the pen up or I didn't. Trying is bullsh*t


    Like a modern day Yoda, excellent advice this is hhhmmmmm!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP here. Would just like to insert here that I don't think it's fair that you are all passing judgements on my relationship. I said in my original post that things were complicated and I'm not telling everyone my life story here, just the things that are relevant to this post.
    Sorry OP - but each of us come here with our own experience and morals - I think expecting feedback or advice without some form of judgement is not that realistic - however reading some of the comments here I cannot see that any of us have been overly harsh with our comments. You may of course though report any posts you feel offensive to the moderators and they will take appropriate action. (Mods - sorry for this - I am not trying to mod in anyway, just assuming OP does not know how to report).
    I love him dearly but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore.
    I am sorry OP - but this is one line that I see trotted out all the time on posts relating to failed relationships or cheating. I also think it is an abused and basically false line. I do not doubt you care for him - I really do - however if you loved him (irrespective of being IN love or not) - there is not a chance in hell that you would have done something like this to him, especially as later you go on to say you are more like friends now.

    Think back to how you felt when you got together - you entered this relationship with the expectation that he would treat you fairly and with respect - however you kissing another bloke is showing that you either do not respect him or you just no longer care. Please sit back - think of how you would feel if the roles were reversed here and act accordingly - I am suggesting that you sit him down and just tell him it is over.
    And to other posters- It is more complicated than I am willing to go into detail about as regards to why I can't just say "We're done, end of". It's just not that simple.
    We can only give advice on the information we have received and what some of us might guess. e.g. Children or pregnant or one of you being dependent on the other - through injury, substance abuse or whatever. However, whatever you feel is justifying staying with someone you do not love - in the long run you are better off apart - before you start hating him.

    This is a sensitive issue and I'd appreciate if people didn't attack me. I know what I did wasn't a good thing to do, but my relationship with my boyfriend has been so fcuked up that I don't know what to feel anymore.
    No one here knows you - so please try not to take "attacks" to heart. Some of us have been cheated on before / or been the cheaters, hence our views might be too close to the bone. Most of us here come on to try to help other people - sometimes the only way for some of us to do that is to be utterly blunt - you know, shocking the truth out of the poster - tearing whatever pretty stories they have told themselves from their eyes.

    Either way here - your current relationship as it stands - lover or whatever is really over. Please tell him this. If you can stay friends or in contact for whatever reason - only showing the respect and honesty that you would to any friend will help you stand any chance of saving any relationship here.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    And to other posters- It is more complicated than I am willing to go into detail about as regards to why I can't just say "We're done, end of". It's just not that simple.

    Really? Because you know there are millions of married men and women, with children and houses who manage to end relationships that are no longer working. I'm finding it hard to imagine a situation worse than that tbh.

    OP, you're making excuses. You're no longer in love with your boyfriend, you fight all the time, neither of you seem to be in any way happy in this relationship and its gotten to the point where you kissing someone else hasn't aroused any guilty feelings in you.

    I'm not sure what advice you expect people to give you other than to end your relationship if it is no longer working and you are no longer happy. You are putting the responsibility on him to end things which clearly hasn't made any difference. You need to be the mature person here and end this relationship. You're only hurting yourself in the long run.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You have done nothing wrong if your unhappy and your relationship is going down the tubes as you clearly say it is.....SO LONG AS YOU BITE THE BULLET AND FINISH IT NOW. You've gone through the months of fighting stage and now your simply going to cheat again.

    I've been there, never cheated in a long relationship then spend 9 months fighting and bickering, neither of us having guts to break up. One night I cheated on the saturday night out with the lads, with someone I normally wouldnt go near. Felt like a right idiot and guilty as sin. Finished with the EXGF the next day.

    Didnt say I cheated just said it was time to call quits. Been with few long term girlfriends since and never strayed again.


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