Being married - Is it all about the spark?

mrsscott

Hi All

Originally posted this in Relationship Issues, but as its a general wondering, they said I should move it here.

Would like to hear both the mens and womens thoughts.

I've seen a few threads here in relationsships about couples and what kind of relationship they have etc.

So I'm just wondering - for you as a married couple, is it all about the "Spark" or chemistry? If you felt that spark was no longer there would you stay with the person.

I know from my own family and looking at my parents in particular or other couples - I've never really seen sparks between long term couples....

Also, should the "Spark" always be there even 10, 20, 30 years down the line?

Ickle Magoo

God, I hope so.

My parents are married 40 odd years and my dad still slaps my mum on the backside or grabs her for a snog when he walks past - or I call in the middle of the day and they over-share that they are in bed but it's okay to talk now...

I've been with my husband for going on 11 years now, we met and stayed together every night for a fortnight, moved in together 6 weeks later and married 4 yrs after that. We definitely have a spark or a chemistry the like of which I have never ever shared with anyone else; even 11 years, one house and two kids down the line we haven't gone a day when we could keep our hands off each other. If that ever goes, I'd be really, really sad - but as long as it's a mutual thing with age or whatever, I think it's something I could live with...I think....otherwise no, I think I'd know how much I was missing if I settled for a relationship without that spark or that had lost that spark.

Having been so close and had such a connection with someone, I don't know if I would get the chance to have that twice so I intend on making sure I never lose it this time around! :cool:

liah

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

God, I hope so.

My parents are married 40 odd years and my dad still slaps my mum on the backside or grabs her for a snog when he walks past - or I call in the middle of the day and they over-share that they are in bed but it's okay to talk now...

I've been with my husband for going on 11 years now, we met and stayed together every night for a fortnight, moved in together 6 weeks later and married 4 yrs after that. We definitely have a spark or a chemistry the like of which I have never ever shared with anyone else; even 11 years, one house and two kids down the line we haven't gone a day when we could keep our hands off each other. If that ever goes, I'd be really, really sad - but as long as it's a mutual thing with age or whatever, I think it's something I could live with...I think....otherwise no, I think I'd know how much I was missing if I settled for a relationship without that spark or that had lost that spark.

Having been so close and had such a connection with someone, I don't know if I would get the chance to have that twice so I intend on making sure I never lose it this time around! :cool:

11 years, and still a spark. That's so amazing. I didn't even realize that legitimately existed.. You are so lucky, you know that? I didn't believe that could really exist.. but I'm definitely a lot more optimistic now. I really hope I can be so lucky someday whenever it decides to happen to me, if it ever does.

christ on a bike!

I'm cynical by nature, but I often think that passion and love turn into dependancy when there are kids and a mortgage involved.

I'd love to be wrong...

The_Morrigan

I can't speak from personal experience as I'm still single, but my parents are still like two teenagers after 31 years of marriage.
I'd come home to visit and usually spend a day or two re-adjusting to the fact my parents would be up to no good, without the typical Irish shame that goes with their generation.
Myself and my brothers would be in bed or watching tv and you'll hear shrieks of laughter and giggles from the bedroom/kitchen/living room - where ever they are currently residing.
There is still the bum slapping, boob groping etc etc
People always asked myself and my brothers if we are embarrassed by our parents carry on - I say kudos to them, I hope to christ I find someone I can still be like that with when I'm in my late 50's!!

Wibbs

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Having been so close and had such a connection with someone, I don't know if I would get the chance to have that twice so I intend on making sure I never lose it this time around! :cool:

Yea IMHO and IME its quite rare what you have and worth fighting for and working on. I'd say of all the couples Ive known over the years there were only a very small handful like that. I think it was more likely 30/40 years ago. There were less daft expectations and people were more likely to work through things. Nowadays more will just jump at the first sign of hassle.

Giselle

I think its more realistic to pin your hopes for lonegevity on shared values and goals than it is on an indefinable spark. Sparks go out, working together for a common good or goal is an ongoing commitment.

But I know sod all about it anyway.:)

Catari Jaguar

Interesting article about studies on happy long term relationships

Apparently positivity is the key

“Some couples think about the good things and ignore the bad things – this is called being reward-focused,” researcher Shelly Gable of the University of California said. “Others focus on the pitfalls – if there aren’t too many, they think that’s a good relationship. In romantic relationships, the research shows that there’s an inevitable decline in sexual satisfaction over time, but reward-focused couples don’t show that decline – their sexual satisfaction stays level.”

In her recent study of 79 dating couples, she categorised four main responses to someone telling their partner good news about themselves. It’s not hard to identify the best response for future happiness. Taking a promotion as an example, an active-constructive response would go: “Wow, this is great news. I know you really deserve it and you’ll do really well.” A passive-constructive one would be: “That’s nice.” An active-destructive one sounds something like, “It’s excellent but are you sure you can handle it?” A passive-destructive response would be, “Well, you know, I had an exciting day, too.”

Personally, me and my fiance are best buddies, that just completely get each other, always have fun and love each other to bits. He's always there to support me or defend me and we are just soppy and connect on an amazing level. We are both laid back, communicate, don't fight and can just lie and cuddle and be totally content. After 6 years, the sexual spark isn't what it was in the honeymoon stage but we are solid as a rock. From the get-go people would always comment on us in a really positive way that we were just so compatible and could see us going the distance.

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

Yea IMHO and IME its quite rare what you have and worth fighting for and working on. I'd say of all the couples Ive known over the years there were only a very small handful like that. I think it was more likely 30/40 years ago. There were less daft expectations and people were more likely to work through things. Nowadays more will just jump at the first sign of hassle.

I think you are mixing up genuine happiness of coupledom with having to stay together because of financial and societal pressures of yore.

I don't think that daft expectations are anything new, on the contrary in fact.

I think that human nature is human nature, whether 40 years ago or now. The percentage of couples who used to stay together in utterly miserable relationships would (ok, this is a wild guess on my part, but not unreasonable) I think roughly equal the percentage of marriages that end in divorce/co-habitations that end in separations, nowadays.

Completely agree on the rarity of happy coupledom. Ickle Magoo's story about her and her parents and the other lovely stories on here, are rare enough, from what I can see so far in my life and from all the surroundings that I have lived in - and I have changed locations and acquaintances often enough (due to being immigrant as well).

That said, I don't have a clue about the longevity of "the spark" or otherwise, I certainly never managed to last any huge distance with anyone, so the longevity of "the spark" hasn't even been an issue. I do believe that it exists, as obvious on this thread, but I believe it could be down to just a piece of great good luck - when 2 people meet who happen to be suited to each other and suit relationships better than some other random 2 people. Going back to the fact that it is rare IME.

Wibbs

seenitall wrote: »

I think you are mixing up genuine happiness of coupledom with having to stay together because of financial and societal pressures of yore.

I don't think that daft expectations are anything new, on the contrary in fact.

No I dont think they are, but I think people nowadays are more likely to jump over something quite minor than they may have been in the past. More lay when it comes to putting in the work of a relationship. I think there are different stresses on men and women and relationships today.

Completely agree on the rarity of happy coupledom. Ickle Magoo's story about her and her parents and the other lovely stories on here, are rare enough, from what I can see so far in my life and from all the surroundings that I have lived in - and I have changed locations and acquaintances often enough (due to being immigrant as well).

Yep it does seem rare enough. Well most would know one or two couples like that over time, but few enough couples are like that in the first place.

That said, I don't have a clue about the longevity of "the spark" or otherwise, I certainly never managed to last any huge distance with anyone, so the longevity of "the spark" hasn't even been an issue. I do believe that it exists, as obvious on this thread, but I believe it could be down to just a piece of great good luck - when 2 people meet who happen to be suited to each other and suit relationships better than some other random 2 people.

I suppose, like anything, some people are just better at relationships than others. Some are naturally better at communication, more secure within themselves better at being objective while keeping their eye on the ball and are better at deferring gratification. If two people like that meet and have the same broad life goals then their chances of being one of these couples is very high. That's a rare enough list of character traits in the first place.

I read an article on the biochemistry of love and the in love/honeymoon phase chemically speaking lasts at most 4 years. Usually under that. Look around and over time you'll notice way more people split at the 2/3/4 year points than they do at the 1/6/10/ year points. The biochemistry seems to agree. I also remember a link someone posted here that showed some people(1 in 10 IIRC) keep the in love chemicals going for life. At a reduced rate but still there. So if two of those who were the 1 in 10 met then lifelong in love couple ahoy. Apparently "first loves"(adult ones) are the most likely to trigger this lifetime feeling. Few enough people today are with their first adult love. In the past they would have been more likely to be.

I remember reading another article where the researcher put forward the notion that humans may have a reproductive cycle. Again around the 4 year mark. makes sense I suppose. Given that new in love couples are mad for it the chances would be high that without contraception the woman would be pregnant fairly quickly. The love chemicals would keep the guy around through the pregnancy and until the child is weaned onto solid food.

The other aspect to this is that "in the wild" odds are very high that an in love couple would have a child within the in love timeframe. The love and bonding with the child would top up the emotional tanks keeping the couple together. Nowadays with contraception that doesnt happen nearly so much. Maybe there's even a really deep down subconscious thing going on where the fact they dont have a child makes either partner reckon the other isnt fertile? And that could be why they bale?

Then add in the contraceptive pill/injection/implant into the mix. There's all sorts of fascinating evidence that taking it influences the woman's choices of mate. Because her body thinks she's "pregnant" she looks for a different type of male than she would if she wasnt on the pill. Read a really interesting study that seemed to show that if a woman gets into a relationship when she's on the pill, the odds of her splitting up with the guy if she stops taking it go up. A lot. Something mad like three times more likely. Which may explain why some couples in the past before the pill were less likely to split? The woman made the "right" choice in the first place. The man too. We're also aware of chemical triggers. Strippers in the US have noticed that the women on the pill get less tips and are asked for less dances than those not.

So with all of that the odds of keeping that spark for long are pretty long themselves.

Orlee

Me and my boyf have been together for 7 years although I've known him for 14.

We met when we were very young and were "best friends" for years. I think the reason we got together was that as we matured we started to see each other in a different light. There is definitely a spark but I think our relationship works so well because we built up a strong friendship in the first place.

I agree with Wibbs about the pill phenomenon, it affects your whole relationship, not just your sex life!

Wibbs

You knew each other first so were compatible as people. You didnt have the horniness or in love bit to confuse that at first, so when you did fall for each other it was the best kinda choice. It sounds like you were each others "first love" as adults. You cant go far wrong with that set of ingredients. So even if the horny bit waxes and wanes you have a lot more to fall back on.

Compare to the more usual say mid 20's couple. Both have probably already had the first adult love and it went south. They may meet through mates/college/work or out one night. The in love bit kicks off before anything else. You're more likely to confuse this horny feeling with compatibility. I would say the ladies can be worse for that. "I love him and feel this spark so it must be true love". Then you'll try to fit the square peg into the round hole. Love at first sight is an even bigger way to make a dodgy choice.

Its amazing to me how seemingly arbitrary the choices we all make are when it comes to the most important relationship you will have in your life. Oh she's got a gorgeous arse so therefore we're meant to be

Orlee

Wibbs wrote: »

You knew each other first so were compatible as people. You didnt have the horniness or in love bit to confuse that at first, so when you did fall for each other it was the best kinda choice. It sounds like you were each others "first love" as adults. You cant go far wrong with that set of ingredients. So even if the horny bit waxes and wanes you have a lot more to fall back on.

Exactly what I was trying to say ... you're much better with them word thingys!

smelltheglove

7 yrs here and still going strong. We were only speaking about this recently, we know many married couples who would fall out and not speak for days on end whereas we never fight for more than a few hours, we get to the stage where one of us does something silly and we fall around laughing. There is a huge spark but not only the spark we really enjoy each others company, we are both young at heart, take nothing seriously, have a laugh, he is sentimental, I'm as far as you can get from it, usually vica versa but it's cool to have a reverse role in something.

I think myself and my hubbie compliment each other quite well as we are quite different in our own ways. He's an entertainer, loud, a great laugh whereas I like to stand back and watch the show so to speak, I love having a good time and having a laugh, we dont have egos that are going to get in the way, well I dont so his ego is left intact;) We have our rows every once in a while, we have different perspectives on some things but we work together well.

I think its great really, I come from a broken family and as a kid just remember fighting int he house whereas my kids are around a more relaxed atmosphere, we do a lot of things together as a family and honestly I cant imagine it ever being any other way.

dudara

I've been with my partner over 10 years - we moved into together after 2 days.

Like Ickle Magoo, we still have a strong chemistry and most definitely have a spark. The spark is mental as well as physical. It's an amazing thing to have in your life. Now mind you, it takes work. It's not something that you can simply assume will always exist.

We know we have something special. We were visiting a couple recently who are getting married soon and all we could see were two children who couldn't talk to each other without sniping and nagging. It may sound silly, but we rarely argue - we never leave it get to that stage.

christ on a bike!

dudara wrote: »

I've been with my partner over 10 years - we moved into together after 2 days.

Like Ickle Magoo, we still have a strong chemistry and most definitely have a spark. The spark is mental as well as physical. It's an amazing thing to have in your life. Now mind you, it takes work. It's not something that you can simply assume will always exist.

We know we have something special. We were visiting a couple recently who are getting married soon and all we could see were two children who couldn't talk to each other without sniping and nagging. It may sound silly, but we rarely argue - we never leave it get to that stage.

Sorry, I have to question you on this, firstly, I'm delighted that everything is good for you

But moving in after two days??
I'm presuming that it was down to circumstances...

But how was it, the excitement must have been imense, but was there any worry that it wouldn't work out.

And oh, whn you say moved in after two days, I'm presuming it was the same room

dudara

It just made sense to us.

Of course there was worry that it wouldn't work out, but we were also in our early twenties and things were easy back then. We had flexibility that we don't have now.

The trouble came 4-5 years into our relationship, when things got a little dull. That's when we learned that we had to work at our relationship, that it couldn't be as carefree as it was when we were young.

The irony of working at our relationship, is that is easy again. Putting in the preventative work pays dividends.

I suppose that I get annoyed sometimes when I see people saying "Walk away" etc - just encouraging others to dump their relationships. Yes, sometimes you should walk away, but before you do, think about what the relationship means and if you are prepared to work at it. The throwaway attitude gets to me a bit.

ruben

We are married 20+ years and not a day goes by without some form of intimacy. We are totally into each other, even more than at the beginning.
We are very tactile with each other and really always have been. The spark is very firmly there but as well as that we are best buds. There really is no one else I would rather spend time with than him.

Someone else said that it has to be worked at but I can honestly say I don't feel that. It's just there, I think maybe I has something to do with being happy in your own skin and thereby giving off a positive vibe?
Must think further on this:D

smelltheglove

Myself and hubbie set up 2 pals just after we got together and they pretty much moved in straight away, married now.

My cousin met his girlfriend when she handed him her number, they went out on a date went back to his house and she never left.that was around 9 yrs ago and they are still together and have a child too!

carolinespring

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

God, I hope so.

My parents are married 40 odd years and my dad still slaps my mum on the backside or grabs her for a snog when he walks past - or I call in the middle of the day and they over-share that they are in bed but it's okay to talk now...

I've been with my husband for going on 11 years now, we met and stayed together every night for a fortnight, moved in together 6 weeks later and married 4 yrs after that. We definitely have a spark or a chemistry the like of which I have never ever shared with anyone else; even 11 years, one house and two kids down the line we haven't gone a day when we could keep our hands off each other. If that ever goes, I'd be really, really sad - but as long as it's a mutual thing with age or whatever, I think it's something I could live with...I think....otherwise no, I think I'd know how much I was missing if I settled for a relationship without that spark or that had lost that spark.

Having been so close and had such a connection with someone, I don't know if I would get the chance to have that twice so I intend on making sure I never lose it this time around! :cool:

+1

My husband and I are together 10 years and still have that spark. We still hold hands, kiss and cuddle all the time. We just had that "spark" from the moment we met and I would be really sad if we dont always have it. Without it you are best friends and of course you cant have a fantastic marrage without being best friends but best friends without the spark... NO!! Thats just friendship and I want/need more. Just catching his eye across the room still dose it for me and that little smile from him that is just for me.... We never go a day without telling each other we love each other, Still sleep spooned and laugh and giggle all the time. I think if any of this stopped it would be hard. We work hard at keeping it fresh. We make time for each other, go ot to dinner, buy little gifts all the time, trips. Making memories for the years to come. Happy and loving memories help keep the spark alive. The "do you remember" moments that lead to the bedroom!!!!
When I am 93 and not able for the action I want to look into his eyes and still feel the spark and I honestly believe it wll last for the whole our life.

dudara

I suppose that I should add - because we're aware of our spark, we're also very aware of the need to fan it and keep it alive.

Like the previous poster, we're always in contact, sleeping spooned, I can catch his eye across a room and know what he's thinking. It's fantastic - and it's there because we value it and nurture it.