should I give us more time?

LegacyUser

I met a decent guy recently and went out for a few dates with him. We have met each other two or three times a week this month.

He is not the type I usually fall for, but I did not resent him the first place. He obviously likes me a lot. And when I get to know him more, I found he has very good personality and good sense of humour. I enjoy to be with him. But I dont really look forward to see him. I dont have the feelings of falling for him.

I miss my ex. from time to time. But I am clear I dont want to get back to him because that was a toxic completely wrong relationship. I was not valued. So I tried hard to move on and it's been a year we broke up and a few months we cut all the contact (we had a brief contact recently because of a friend in common was leaving for good).

My question is:
1. Is it not fair to the guy if I still miss my ex. from time to time?

2. Am I not ready for a relationship? But I feel I can move on and I do like this new guy. I met a few guys before him but nothing came out other than a few dates. Only this new guy makes me feel I might be able to move on completely. Should I give myself and this new guy some more time? Or should I just leave until my feelings to my ex. completely gone?

3. Can the feelings to ex. be completely gone? I always think we would still miss our ex. from time to time as they are part of our lives...

LegacyUser

But I dont really look forward to see him

this part stood out for me

I was in the same position a few months ago, he was a lovely guy, personality wise every thing i was looking for, and i found him attractive, but when he kissed me there was just nothing there...

it sounds like you're forcing yourself to like the new guy because you feel you should as he's got "very good personality and good sense of humour" and you "enjoy to be with him" but sometimes thats just not enough if theres no "chemistry/spark" there.

That doesn't mean that you aren't ready to move on though, it just means that you haven't met the right guy to move on with. "Moving on" doesn't mean "Getting into a new relationship". I don't think its a case of waiting for your feelings for your ex to "go away", i think you just need to wait until you find the right person to start a relationship with, theres no point in settling and rushing into a new relationship, just to prove to yourself you're over your ex, thats not very healthy.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your advice but I dont think I am settling here. I think he is very good, tall and well built and we get on very well.

I do know the 'SPARK' thing is very important in a relationship, but I don't think there's no chance for spark here.

I am in no rush in a relationship. But I don't want to miss a good man and a potential good relationship.

I found myself fell for difficult guys (and usually good looking) that were hard to get or a bit private and needed time to understand... and then the relationships or myself turned a bit toxic and I thought then I loved them. And then usually I got hurt at the end.

So, I just think, maybe another type of guys would suit me better and I suit them better.

I am going on dates with him because I am hoping the 'spark' thing would come later. I think of trying to kiss. But at this stage, I am not ready for kiss (not even hold hands). I am quite slow.

Should I give both of us more time to see or at least have a kiss and tell (but dont wanna rush to kiss and 'test' though)??????

Miss Fluff

MORETIME??? wrote: »

Should I give both of us more time to see or at least have a kiss and tell (but dont wanna rush to kiss and 'test' though)??????

So you have made seeing him 3/4 times a week over a month and you haven't even kissed?

Improbable

I think its like the first response said. If there's no spark, there's no spark. You can think that someone is a fantastic person, they could be a much better person than someone who you might choose to date. But if you aren't looking forward to seeing him, it doesn't seem that it's going to work. It sounds as if this person might just be closer to being a friend than being an OH to you.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

So you have made seeing him 3/4 times a week over a month and you haven't even kissed?

What's the big deal? I dont see it's a problem. If I am not comfortable, I would not force myself to go with the so-called 'norm'. (And what is the norm?)

And also, I dont think all the people would kiss after meeting each other 12 times and approximately 24-36 hours. I personally would not kiss a person (even I like him madly) in 36 hours.

Thanks for the input, I know what you guys talking about, but after I give it a second thought, I think 'love' and 'romance' do not present / appear in just one form (i.e. the Hollywood style). I am not quite sure at this stage my feelings to this guy and he knows I am not ready to take it to another level. He is not rushing and he knows at this stage one day I may ask to be friend and also this may happen to me that he may suddenly want to be friends instead of something more. So, just let it be.

I will go with the flow. If my heart asks me to stop dating him again and put him in the 'friend' catergory, I will honestly tell him. But at this moment, I dont know. At least, this guy does not make me to put him into 'friend' catergory that first day I met him. So, I am willing to try a little more with him.

jurgenscarl

If a guy is attracted to you and you aren't attracted to him you should end the relationship.

You obviously have to get over your ex. That is the major road block to your happiness.

You will not get over your ex with someone you aren't attracted to.

You can only get over your ex when you are in a relationship where there is mutual attraction which develop into deeper feelings.

Ickle Magoo

MORETIME??? wrote: »

Thank you for your advice but I dont think I am settling here. I think he is very good, tall and well built and we get on very well.

I'd call that settling. Unless you fancy the pants off the guy then you are just making a rational choice for a reasonable partner, nothing to do with what you actually really like and madly want. He sounds like a complete stop-gap, the rebound-guy. Just enjoy it for what it is.

Best of luck.

Moomoo1

The important thing is that you should be up front with him about what the deal is.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'd call that settling. Unless you fancy the pants off the guy then you are just making a rational choice for a reasonable partner, nothing to do with what you actually really like and madly want. He sounds like a complete stop-gap, the rebound-guy. Just enjoy it for what it is.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the input.

Um, but I didnt really fancy the pants off my ex. (who I liked a lot and wanted to be with always even before we started) until we got physical (kissed and made out). I did not even really have the desire to kiss him until we knew each other for months and the feelings were stronger (we were not couple at that stage). But I liked him when I first saw him.

I also thought of the possibility of rebound, I am not sure so I asked the question. But I suspected myself to be more protective and careful after being hurt. After I analysised my love history, I think I inclined to pick guys that are difficult. I just think maybe I should break the pattern by choosing another type of guys and try.

I know I sound too rational here, seem not to be a proper attitude about romance and love. But I have to be very careful now as I think I should learn from the mistakes I made. Basically, I picked wrong guys (they are good men, just not for me) and fell in love to quick. So, I am holding back myself now.




Moomoo1, I agreed with this. At this stage, we are not even boyfriend/ girlfriend. Just 'friends with potential'. He knows. And I know.

mood

I think if you don't look forward to seeing him and don't WANT to kiss him there is no spark and never will be. After going out with him 12-24 times you show know if you fancy the guy or not.

And dating a guy you are not into will only make you pine for your ex even more.

dublingal80

i was in a similar situation... met a guy, not my type at all, but since my type never worked out before i decided to give it a shot. it wasnt for a few weeks that i started having little butterflies and eventually i did fall for him and we dated 4 years

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

I think if you don't look forward to seeing him and don't WANT to kiss him there is no spark and never will be. After going out with him 12-24 times you show know if you fancy the guy or not.

And dating a guy you are not into will only make you pine for your ex even more.

I did not think of wanting to kiss my ex. until I had known him for a year! Again, I liked my ex. A LOT even when we were friends. So, I really see no problems if I do have the desire to kiss this new guy or to shy away his kiss on lips at this early stage. We have just met.

He touched and rubbed my waist when we sat closed together today. I enjoy this romantic touch of him. Anyway, this weekend was a little bit special as something happened on me and I needed someone's help and he was there to support me and encourage me. And I know I like him more and more every time we meet.

OK, will see. Will update you guys if we finally kiss. ;-P

Miss Fluff

MORETIME??? wrote: »

I did not think of wanting to kiss my ex. until I had known him for a year!

Is that due to religious or cultural restraints?

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Is that due to religious or cultural restraints?

I would not call that 'restraints'.

I dont think I am suppressed or repressed or oppressed because I know I enjoy the physical touch and sex very much and I know I have needs. Just I was not raised that way that go that fast (maybe I am super slow in some people's eyes) sexually with opposite sex. The desire to kiss or getting close physically does not even come across my brain until I have develop more feelings through time.

Ickle Magoo

If you develop feelings super-slow and don't feel like kissing a partner for going on a year, then I'm not sure how you expect any of us to know if you should the relationship you are in more time...

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If you develop feelings super-slow and don't feel like kissing a partner for going on a year, then I'm not sure how you expect any of us to know if you should the relationship you are in more time...

That's OK. Because I have MY answer after I wrote it out and thought it myself. You guys point of view give me some alternatives to think, which are important.

Thanks for all the input. CHEERS!