Mother in Law

LegacyUser

Never thought I'd be writing the "nagging mother in law" thread but here I am.

Married for five years with two kids, both happy, we have the odd big row every now and then which is quickly patched up. I moved a long way from my home town to set up with my wife, beautiful house, rural setting, nice upbringing for kids, etc. I found the initial move very difficult having come from Dublin.

Her family are grand, no problems and I thought I always got on very well with her mother but a couple of weeks ago during a big row, my wife turns to me and says "My mother was right, you're not treating me properly". Apparantly one evening while her mother was visiting I came home from work and sat on the sofa while the kids were running around. My wife had had a stressful day with them and told her mother she was wrecked. My commute to and from work is 90 minutes each way and after a 12 hour shift I just need half an hour to unwind when I get home.

Anyway, over a coffee a couple of days later, she said I was not treating her properly and she could do better. I went absolutely beserk at the cheek of her to get involved and furthermore at my wife to entertain such comments. My wife quickly backed down and apologised at how it came out and agreed that maybe she should have pulled her mother up on it.

Its two weeks on now and Im still boiling and everytime her mother arrives with her false smile and "how are you" I just leave the room. I really want to pull her up on it but I know if I do that it will cause a massive split and from what I see I think my wife would take her side.

Just on a side note, her mother has visions of grandeur for herself, left her husband for a rich man, pampers herself constantly, massages, nails, hair, meets the girls for "brunch", etc. A very selfish woman with a lot to say.

Sorry for the rant. Am I over-reacting? I just cant get it out of my head that she would make such a potentially damaging comment about her daughters marriage.

SarahSassy

unreg67 wrote: »

Just on a side note, her mother has visions of grandeur for herself, left her husband for a rich man, pampers herself constantly, massages, nails, hair, meets the girls for "brunch", etc. A very selfish woman with a lot to say.

Double standards much? You are sitting in judgement on her life but she cant comment on her daughters????

She is her mother so she is entitled to her opinion. It would not appear that she regularily buts in but obviously she saw or sees some actions of yours that she thinks are not good enough....

Sit down and ask your wife if she is upset with you and why it got to the stage that she said you are not treating you properly.. Its the only way and stop ignoring your other in law - it will only make matters worse and is also very childish.

Lucky her that she can do these things - I dont see why you begrudge them to her. Maybe she has already picked up on your disapproval of her and its now manifesting itself.

LegacyUser

True, I have this judgement of the woman as she appears to me to be very selfish and destroyed her original family with selfish actions having no regard of the consequences, however this is just an opinion I have. I would never dream of telling anyone how I feel about her as I know how hurtful it would be for her.

She always was civil to me and vice versa and I thought we had a good relationship. However, sometimes I feel you've got to keep your opinions to yourself and in this situation I really feel she overstepped the mark and intefered.

I appreciate your comments though.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I can see how that would absolutely drive you nuts, I really can. Sounds to me like your MIL is a spoiled, selfish, cow and she expects her daughter to behave the same so I'd solve that one very very quickly. I'd agree with them, I'd say something along the lines of "oh God, you're so right, how dare me want to sit down after commuting 90 minutes after a 12 hours shift, you're right, you deserve better" then I'd pack my bags and **** off for the weekend, turn off my phone and basically disappear. I'd arrive back on Monday and listen to her apology after she's had a taste of being a single parent, bet you all the tea in china it's the last time she ever starts a sentence with "my mother says". Now obviousy that's not the "right" way to handle it, I'm sure I'll get lambasted for saying it too, but I'd say it would teach both mother and daughter a sharp lesson. You're probably better off going down the boring old "talking about it" route.

p.s. I probably wouldn't actually do what I said above but I'd be sorely sorely tempted to.

Best of luck.

iguana

Peggypeg wrote: »

I'd agree with them, I'd say something along the lines of "oh God, you're so right, how dare me want to sit down after commuting 90 minutes after a 12 hours shift, you're right, you deserve better" then I'd pack my bags and **** off for the weekend, turn off my phone and basically disappear. I'd arrive back on Monday and listen to her apology after she's had a taste of being a single parent, bet you all the tea in china it's the last time she ever starts a sentence with "my mother says".

Are you for real? I'd put much better odds on the likelihood that he'd arrive back home to find the locks changed and anything he hadn't packed in the bag in black sacks out front.

Peggypeg

Heya,

Ah no, I probably wouldn't really do that, hence the disclaimer at the bottom, but to be fair the MIL does sound like a right madam. Like seriously you've just finished a 12 hour shift and commuted for 90 minutes and you can't even sit down when you get home and if you do you're not treating your OH right? That would drive me nuts! I was thinking that a short sharp shock would set it right but in fairness to the other half, he did say she copped on pretty quickly and it's hard to see clearly if your ma is in your ear telling you your OH isn't towing the line (even when he is). Honestly I would just sit down with the OH and tell her in no uncertain term why she IS being treated well and tell her that quite frankly that he would expect her to stick up for him in future conversations in which he is put down.

That better?:D

Kimia

iguana wrote: »

Are you for real? I'd put much better odds on the likelihood that he'd arrive back home to find the locks changed and anything he hadn't packed in the bag in black sacks out front.

This made me lol.

OP I don't mean to make little of this, but it's not really a big deal in my eyes. Your wife was an idiot to say to you 'My mother was right.....etc' because now your back is up and you are imagining all the things your MIL is doing/saying behind you back but tbh it could have just been said in the heat of the moment.

Anyway, over a coffee a couple of days later, she said I was not treating her properly and she could do better

Are you saying that the MIL said 'she could do better' in looking after your wife? That I would take serious issue with, but I can't honestly believe someone would be so stupid and cruel to say that to another person.

If it was your wife that said it, it sounds like she's passive aggressive and instead of having the courage to sit you down and tell you she feels neglected/bitter/tired/whatever else, she tells you that 'her mommy said it' so as not to feel your wrath or to have a proper adult conversation.

KittyeeTrix

Chances are that your missus was doing what I do sometimes when stressed out.......which is have a good auld b1tch!!!
That's her daughter and she will be only going on what she has been told by your wife........Don't take it too much to heart but have a chat with the missus and see if she truly feels that you were swinging the lead, so to speak!! Like I said, she was probably just very stressed and spoke out not really meaning it

iguana

Sure but if you look at it from the other side during that 12 hour shift and 90 minute commute the wife was at home with the children, doing housework, getting the shopping, making the dinners, etc. Care of children is a damn hard often unpleasant job and some days will be tougher than others. I remember driving my mother to tears on many an occasion and my mother is a bloody tough woman who doesn't cry easily. 15 hours a day without your partner could feel close enough to single parenthood. His wife could have had just as tough and tiring a day and maybe she would have liked half an hour to sit and chill.

It's six of one half a dozen of the other. I can see why his mother-in-law might have made that comment. Maybe she is worried about her daughter and can see that she is worn out? Perhaps she was very unappreciated in her first marriage and has fears that her daughter is also being. And if she has any inkling that the OP judges her about the end of her marriage maybe she doesn't like him all that much. Nobody has a clue about her reasons for leaving her husband and they don't have a right to judge her for it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, I agree with the above that it was said during a bitching session and was stupidly thrown in my face afterwards.

It just really shocked me that her mother would tell her to walk from her marriage on such an issue. Fair enough if I was being a right a**hole, not coming home, staying out drinking, etc. It annoyed me that my wife gave her credence, even allowing it to be an option. I would'nt entertain anyone telling me to walk from my wife, not even close family. Maybe Im old fashioned.

I just get the feeling since that the MIL might be a bit jealous, she made a sh**e of her marriage by being so selfish and would love someone else to be in the same boat as her. She's forever going on about other couples, if they're going through a bad patch, her first piece of advice is "she should leave him".

Maybe I am over-reacting, it is an issue between my wife and I, we've talked about it, it's sorted now. Somehow, I dont think I'll hear about any more comments.

Thanks for letting me blow some steam off.