My Girlfriend Can't Have Children

LegacyUser

I've been with my girlfriend a long time. A few years. I have made a lot of sacrifices and a lot of choices for her against what I would usually call "my better judgement"

I have given up jobs and even moved country for her. Solely for her - as in, it did not benefit me in the slightest to go and actually removed my financial security, but I was more then happy to do so if it meant being with her.

I'm in my mid 20's and I'm not even sure if I want children. I'm always extremely careful when it comes to birth control anyway because that was the way I was raised - so there was never an issue of them arriving before unexpectedly or otherwise.

However, I've recently discovered my girlfriend cannot have children, she is younger then I am...by two years...and this is a massively devastating blow for her, like it would be for any young woman, but I'm not sure how to act. She has already been grumbling that I shouldn't stay with her just because I feel sorry for her, out of pity, and I insist that this would never be the case and that I am with her because I love her...I love her, I do, but as much of a blow as this is for her I keep feeling that despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together

Having said that, I'm torn on the issue, because even though I do not want children tomorrow I suppose I would have liked the choice. There are other methods available, I know, but to not conceive a child naturally with someone would take something away from the process of having a son or daughter.

It's been about 2 weeks since she told me this news, and a few nights I've had this stupid dreams, dreams of having sex with other women. I find my girlfriend attractive, we haven't slept together since this news but I don't want to be with anyone else - is my mind telling me that I should naturally walk away.....

I don't know what to think

Biggins

Start with the basics and you have to be totally honest with yourself first.
Do you want children at some stage?
If the answer is "yes" then as hard as it is, you have to decide one way or another if you are willing to give this possibility up on the chance that your present relationship will last the test of time.
Cold I know but you have to face reality.

If you do want children some day and in your heart you know it, it would be better for you - and for her - if you were to make a decision as soon as possible.
Fair play to her for her honesty in telling you. Now its time for you to be honest with yourself and with her back.

sporina

i guess you have to be honest with yourself. I mean, you can fall in love with someone else and then they may not be able to have kids either... but that is not the issue here I guess. But you do love her and there is adoption.. its not the end of the world.... or your love..

SuperInfinity

I think you are talking too much about "sacrifices" and how: "despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together".

For me that's the wrong way to look at it, it's almost as if you want payback or something.

If you moved, then that was for yourself because you wanted to be with her. You sacrificed things so that you could be with her. You didn't do her a favour any more than she did you a favour.

If a woman wants to have a baby, then it's not a "sacrifice" and especially not "the greatest sacrifice any woman can make", it's because she wants to have one.

A woman will want to choose the best man but I wouldn't call it a "sacrifice", no.

Neyite

what if it had been you that was unable to have a biological child? what would your reaction be? what do you think that she would decide.

infertility affects a lot of couples, and they survive that blow to their relationship - is there treatments that could help you have a child? maybe give it a few weeks to think it over before you do anything.

Chinafoot

SuperInfinity wrote: »

I think you are talking too much about "sacrifices" and how: "despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together".

For me that's the wrong way to look at it, it's almost as if you want payback or something.

If you moved, then that was for yourself because you wanted to be with her. You sacrificed things so that you could be with her. You didn't do her a favour any more than she did you a favour.

If a woman wants to have a baby, then it's not a "sacrifice" and especially not "the greatest sacrifice any woman can make", it's because she wants to have one.

A woman will want to choose the best man but I wouldn't call it a "sacrifice", no.

Completely agree with this.

You sound really resentful of the fact that she can't have kids. The whole beginning of your post is "I did this, I gave up that, I lost this." Its not as though she has told you she doesn't want to have children. That would be entirely different and I could perhaps understand your feelings of resentment in that scenario. This isn't something she has chosen and the poor girl must be absolutely crushed. She needs your support right now and theres a good chance she is aware of your resentment which is going to make her feel a million times worse.

Now personally I would be devastated if either my partner or I were unable to have children, but tbh, there are other means. I want children with him and if it means we adopt/go for surrogacy, then so be it. I certainly wouldn't walk away from him because he is physically unable to do it and I would hope he feels the same.

You need to have a good hard think about whether you love this girl enough to continue the relationship. Anyone can make a baby, but it takes a hell of a lot more to be parents.

Sound Bite

Hi OP, had to reply to your thread given my own situation. Some of your thread could have been written by my ex. Like your partner I cannot have children. You might want to read my thread "when to tell a new partner I cannot have children" just to get more opinions and from a different angle. (unable to link...sorry).

Your girlfriend is most likely to be feeling very low at present, if anything like me a mixture of anger, resentment, jealousy. She'll also probably feel inadequate and that she's failed in some way.

It's a difficult thing to deal with & I've struggled recently when I told my previous partner.

Like you he was unsure of his feelings about it and eventually, we split despite him initially telling me he was ok with it. At the time, I was very angry but i've come to terms with it & he are on good terms although we will never be together again.

You have to do what's right for you but do just consider what would happen if you ever found out you were infertile or you were married and your then partner only discovered she had fertility problems when you started "trying".

Overall, you will know which is greater, your love for your girlfriend or your wish for a child.

Like she's told you only stay if you want to & not for any other reason.

I would ask that if you do split that you be as sensitive as you can as it will not be easy for her to hear this.

Difficult situation you are in...feel free to PM me if I can offer you any more help.

For anyone who read previous thread, i've started seeing someone new & will deal with it again if the time comes. Thanks for your comments previously too, really appreciate them.

Sorry so long.

Sound Bite

Forgot to mention, referring to pregnancy as "the greatest scrafice any women can make". It's hurtful. Can't fully explain why but it just is.

seenitall

Sound Bite wrote: »

Forgot to mention, referring to pregnancy as "the greatest scrafice any women can make". It's hurtful. Can't fully explain why but it just is.

It is hurtful because, as the one thing that you know you are unable to do (at the moment), you feel excluded from it, and therefore devalued as a woman. At a guess.

But the thing is, of course, it is complete BS. The greatest sacrifice any woman can make is whatever IS the greatest sacrifice she feels she would be able to go through. Very individual. For me, having my child was the greatest joy of my life! Sacrifice, pffft, not a chance. His statement is only true of women who resent having children and are forced to have them etc. Which is a small proportion of women in the Western world.

LegacyUser

I have to chime in here with the others - the comparison of your 'sacrifices' with 'the greatest sacrifice a woman can make' is odd to me. I'm sorry but I've genuinely never heard pregnancy put that way before. Not to trivialize, but it's very 'daddy works and brings in the bread money whilst mummy pays it back by growing the seed'. Strange to me. Not to mention, it's completely insulting to women who can't have children naturally and adopt or foster etc. No sacrifices for them so?

Anyway, sorry, that just raised my heckles.

I think it's down to a case of your love for this woman over your need to have a child with her. As you've said, there are other options but at the moment, they don't seem to be foremost in your head. If it was me, and I was in love with someone, a 'natural' child would not make me give up that person, but that's just me. If that's not for you - completely understandable! - and you don't think you could love her enough to adopt or other options, that's perfectly fine for you. If you don't think you can accept this or work around it, you should end it now for her sake. And please, please go easy on the poor girl, she has it hard enough right now.

aidan24326

If you truly love her you will stay with her. Not because you have to, but because you'll want to. She doesn't exist in this world just to provide you with an heir, and in any case there are other options available if you wanted to raise a child together eventually. I guess it depends what level of feeling you actually have for her, only you can know that.

magneticimpulse

Sorry about being naive on this, but can she not just have IVF treatment when the time is needed? Does she have eggs in her ovaries? Does she just need for these to be removed...sperm injected and then placed inside her? I dont exactly understand when you say she cant have children? Does she have a womb??

So either you get an egg donor or if she has eggs but no womb then a surogate mother. You can always adopt as well. Theres lots of possibilities.

I mean youve not really discussed your options here. Until we know the situation, its difficult to give you advice...as it might work out ok. I know lots of people who needed IVF treatment and now they have lovely miracle babies.

I only ask these, as I am sure you have already discussed this with her. You dont give much detail. I understand from your post she might not have children the "natural" way. But you did not mention if there was a way for medical help??

nkay1985

If she's physically incapable of having children, then you need to figure out if that's a dealbreaker for you or not. I really, really want children in the future but if I found out in the morning that my fiancée was incapable of having them, I think I'd be ok about it and would start getting myself familiar with adoption pretty swiftly. That's how I think I'd feel but it's impossible for anyone to say how you feel about it. Really ask yourself about this as it's an enormous issue.

sam34

screaminginside wrote: »

I keep feeling that despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together

is every aspect of your relationship based on keeping scores of who did what?

seems an unusual way to conduct a relationship to me

SarahSassy

The greatest sacrifice a woman can make is to tie herself to one man for the rest of her life....

OP, do you know YOU can have kids? If she was sick and after her treatment, she was unable to conceive then would you feel the same? If you were sick and unable to have kids, would you expect her to leave you?

IMHO, children should be a blessing on a relationship and a bonus but not a given. You need to take some time to think and not rush into a decision after all you dont know if you even can have kids yourself.

fakeaccent

screaminginside wrote: »

I keep feeling that despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together

Wow...as a young woman who has a slim - zero chance of being able to have children, this sentence really stung. A lot of your post is about your sacrifices and what you've done for her and given up for her. The inference being that she is somehow unwilling after all the sacrifices that you have made for her.

You did not make all these sacrifices for her alone, you made them for yourself too, for you and your relationship and your future together.

The truth is that you only live once, and if you want to have children, this relationship is not going to work long-term. You are entitled to walk away if it's a dealbreaker for you. I'm lucky because I'm with a partner where it is not an issue.

Even if your girlfriend wasn't sure that she wanted children, chances are that she is going to be devastated by this news. This kind of news can really take an emotional toll.

I would advise you to carefully consider the language you use with her and if you decide to stay, let it be because you want to, and don't make her feel that it's some sense of duty on your part. If you walk away, please try not to make her feel more inadequate than she is probably already feeling.

CathyMoran

OP, in October 2006 my then fiance reassured me that he loved me and that while he really wanted children he wanted me more (I had to have a treatment which would probably make me infertile)...I gave him the opt out clause (which is what your girlfriend is doing here).

You really need to think things through, can you look at her and say that you will do without biological chidren as long as you have her?

In my case it turned I was able to concieve our son. It is not a sacrifice to have a child, sure pregnancy is tough but it is also the greatest privilege.

Oryx

I keep feeling that despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together

Having said that, I'm torn on the issue, because even though I do not want children tomorrow I suppose I would have liked the choice. There are other methods available, I know, but to not conceive a child naturally with someone would take something away from the process of having a son or daughter.

OP, It could be just your style of writing, but some of the things you say here come across as incredibly naive.

First, pregnancy is not a sacrifice. Mostly, its a joy. A couple do it together, and support each other, in an ideal relationship. The woman is not doing it under sufferance.

Second, a woman does not give up 9 months of her life to have a child. Both parents give up a whole chunk of their lifestyle to share their lives with a child. There is a big difference. Its not 9 months, its forever.

I can see what you mean about taking something from you not to have your own biological child or to have to use a mechanical process to concieve. But if your bigger picture for your future is your life with your partner, then such obstacles are just that, issues to be faced and dealt with, not dealbreakers right now. I know you need to decide which you want more, your partner or your own child, but I read more than that within your post. You start by saying what you have given up already, and it seems to me that you are resentful that you made those sacrifices and now find yourself lumbered with a 'barren' woman. Examine your feelings for this woman though, because she is more than just a vessel for children. Is this issue with children just a trigger that has made you face the resentment towards her you were already feeling?

BraziliaNZ

You don't deserve her. There are tonnes of men out there, myself included, that never want kids.

iguana

SuperInfinity wrote: »

I think you are talking too much about "sacrifices" and how: "despite making all these sacrifices for her career and her piece of mind I'm with someone cannot make the greatest sacrifice any woman can make for a couple....to put their life on hold for 9 months while they have a child together".

I agree. At the start of the OP I thought it would turn out that the GF had known that she couldn't have children for their entire relationship and part of his upset was at a feeling of being kept in the dark. If she has just found out now I really don't see what past sacrifices have to do with anything.

To give the OP the benefit of the doubt this has been a shocking revelation to him and he could just be feeling his way around an issue he'd never considered before. He needs to spend a bit of time thinking about what he does want. And when he is in a clearer head space sitting down and having an honest talk with his girlfriend. If he ultimately decides he wants children, his own genetic children which are also the genetic children of his partner and that they must be conceived on a lovely night of planned procreative sex where both soon to be parents are looking into each others eyes, taking this planned step with romance and deep love then that's what he wants. Though he's very likely to be disappointed. Biology is messy, very messy. Almost nobody outside of chick flick characters have that experience.

There are lots of ways to have children. Adoption and surrogacy for example. It's also worth bearing in mind that we live in a world where it is possible to create small mammals with two genetic mothers and no father. Reproductive science is a field that is being burst wide open and what's possible now and what's possible in 10 years time could be world's apart. Just because one door has closed on this woman doesn't mean that they all have.