leave my wife

LegacyUser

i need some serious advice! im 30 years of age and married just over 2 years, my wife is seriously wrecking my head, she is always tired and moaning and im not sure if she has cheated on me. probably not but im not 100% sure, she denied it and i have no way of finding out for sure.

i get the feeling she doesnt love me some days and others i think im just being stupid. i wudnt be with her if it wasnt for our child. i dont want her growing up without the parents together, prob only reason we got married! i know every1 will say we shudnt of but it was for d child. we do get along and have a laugh but regularly argue 2. i just dont know wat to do...if i knew for sure she cheated it wud def be off but i have no way of knowing and it cud just be my imagination!

Improbable

Calling off a marriage can be difficult and made even more so by the presence of a child.

If you think that she has cheated on you, then you should sit down and have a long hard think about the impact that separating will have, on yourself, on her and most importantly the child.

It seems to me as if you don't trust her and if that's the case, maybe look into some counselling options to see if you can fix things with her because the worst thing you can do at this point is making rash decisions.

AngryBadger

Nobody on here can tell you if you're wife has cheated on you or not, I'm not saying that to be flippant just pointing out something you need to bear in mind.

Next thing is this; you say you and your wife got married because of your child, and that you stay with her for the sake of your child, the thing is, if you don't love her, and this is how you feel now, it's only going to get worse, and if you don't make a decision one way or the other soon you'll wind up creating a home life that could be damaging for your child.

You haven't posted much here, but it sounds like your wife repels you, if you want to try and make things work the two of you need to talk, maybe get counselling on your marriage, and maybe in the end you wind up parting ways.

You don't have to be a couple to take care of your child.

PeterTheHermit

Remember your marriage vows?
For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, til death you part.
That's what marriage is.

Marriage is about being honest with your wife about everything in your life, it is about sharing everything and not keeping secrets about anything.
You have to tell your wife how you feel and you have to listen to how she feels.
You are not communicating with her ad because you aren't doing that she is isn't telling you what's wrong either.
Go to a marriage counsellor and face up to these problems.

You have a child and this child shouldn't have to grow up in a broken home.
You are not boyfriend and girlfriend or teenagers.
You are joined at the hip and you made you bed and you have to lie in it now.
If you are really serious about your marriage you had to have know this kind of problem would crop up and you have to have known that you are going to be together for years and years and years.

If you have to fix your car you go to a mechanic.
If the house needs to be renovated you get somebody to fix the roof, do the plumbing or the painting and carpetting or lanscaping the garden. If you marriage is faltering you go to a marriage counsellor, you talk your priest - that is if you are religious - but most of all you talk it out between you. The counsellor is mediator and he/she facilitates you both to talk over your issues and problems.

Get it sorted. Don't put it on the long finger and confront your problems head on.
You owe it to yourself, your wife and your kid.
If it all ends in tears then at least you can say you tried.

Taltos

OP - are you looking for an excuse to quit and run?

The fact that you say you only got married because of a child and that now you think your wife might be cheating?
Where is the love in any of this? Where is the I'd do anything for her but I have my doubts?

Suggest maybe you two try to talk - either together or with marriage counselling. Yes, maybe getting married because of your child was not the right choice, and if you are both miserable what kind of home life will your child have there?
Remember - marriage is not always easy and sometimes you really have to work on it - even when you just want to walk away. However, if you don't love this woman and are there just out of duty - well in that case I would never suggest staying there.

Rocky V

OP here!! thanks for the replies even tho some comments r unjust! i put up with so much you wudnt believe it. her constant moodswings, tiredness/laziness etc.....and what do i do? i accept it, keep my mouth shut and pretend it didnt happen and its all for the child.

everything ye suggested was rational but my wife is not rational......i did sit down with her and talk about my problems but she is immature and is unwilling to discuss them without arguing and she wont go to a counsellor!!

i have tried and dont want to walk away. i know this all sounds awful but things arent like this all the time...maybe an hour a day. the rest we get on good and have a laugh but if i responded like she does to disagreements we wud be finished!! the latest thing is her txting some guy she knew from years ago...she said she wasnt with him years ago but i know she was once or twice. she met him out a few weeks ago and they have been txtin regularly since and she has got missed calls after being on a nite out at 5 in d morning wen i nknow he was out 2.....she has often come home late but im thinking she hasnt been with him only coz he rings afte she gets home!!!i questioned her but had no luck

she denies everything and i have no proof...i have told her how i feel but shes its ridiculous and i dont trust her (i dont really) but have no proof so maybe i am beingf ridiculous.

Ickle Magoo

Does she know how close to breaking point you are? It may be useful to lay your cards on the table so she knows it's a stark choice between honesty and discussion or divorce and doesn't think it's just marital rowing.

Taltos

Agree with IM here.
You bottling things up is not good - either for you, your health or your relationship.

For relationships to work well they need open and frank communication, they need work and need to be constantly nurtured and taken care of.

However, it does seem like you are at the end of your tether here.
Does she KNOW this - have you laid it all out for her that you really cannot take anymore and need her help to get things back on track - even if that means counselling?

If you have - and she is just sitting back - then mate - it is over - cause it takes 2 to make the damn thing work. Before you do make any drastic changes though - take the time to think through what you need to do in order to protect you and your daughter financially...

But seriously - sometime you really need to talk and lay it all out there for her to see. Right now she might be distracted by this ex - but does she understand that her husband is about to walk out and her life will never be the same again?

(try not to take offense at anything we say here - we don't know you and are working on limited information - and our own experiences which sometimes might not be the best of human interaction..)

seenitall

This doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like a teenage push me-pull you-let's-jerk-around-and-play-stupid-headgames juvenile kind of carry on, with individual nights out till dawn, night talks with other people, inability/unwillingness to communicate etc.

Which is all very unsurprising, seeing as you married for the wrong reason in the first place.

For what it's worth, I don't think there is any way of saving this. The "marriage" is dead in the water. You both have some growing up to do, before you are able to commit to anyone in any kind of relationship in the future.

petethebrick

Simple really.
You owe it to yourselves to try marriage counselling.
See if that helps. If it doesn't then time to call it a day.

hotspur147

sorry to hear about your situation op,
staying in a marriage for the the sake of the child is the worst reason to stay.a child would rather come from a broken home then live in one.
but in saying that you owe it to your wife and child to exhaust every avenue to make this marraige work

LegacyUser

OP Here!! yes i have laid it all on the line......she wont try counselling or talk properly.....she jjust turns it into an argument. i know myself deep down she doesnt truely love me...........maybe she will realise it if i left but i dont want to get to that stage.

our child is loved very much and us staying together is better for him, we dont fight in front of him and we do show affection towards each other regularly......mostly iniated by me. its plain to see we wudnt be together if it wasnt for the child but its becoz of him im not leaving and dont want to leave. my life is just sh*te most of the time....the rest wen we're getting on is good. i dont want to be divorced at 30 with a child either or be without some1! sad i know but i'd have to move back to my parents and most of my friends rarely go out. i'd love to move away if it did end buyt cudnt coz of child again. im really just tryin to weigh up every option.

sometimes it just gets too much wen she starts a fight over things (normally calls me names like a teenagfer wud do). my hbead is truely wrecked!!!!!!!

Taltos

guest777 wrote: »

she wont try counselling or talk properly.....
she jjust turns it into an argument.
i know myself deep down she doesnt truely love me
its plain to see we wudnt be together if it wasnt for the child

All reasons that is is over or signs that it is just not working.
Your last line there - that is NOT a reason to stay - a child of 2 HAPPY parents is much better than a child in a house where sniping and distain colour every word - they may not now - but look forward in 5 years. If she feels as you - how much longer can you keep the pretense alive?

guest777 wrote: »

our child is loved very much
we dont fight in front of him
and we do show affection towards each other regularly......mostly iniated by me.
its becoz of him im not leaving and dont want to leave.

Now - here are your lies or excuses to yourself as to why you should stay.
And yet again all are great reasons to leave.

guest777 wrote: »

i dont want to be divorced at 30 with a child
or be without some1!
us staying together is better for him
its becoz of him im not leaving and dont want to leave.
my life is just sh*te most of the time.
sad i know but i'd have to move back to my parents and most of my friends rarely go out.
i'd love to move away if it did end buyt cudnt coz of child again.

Could these be the real reasons you are still there?
30 is still young - better divorced at 30 than at 50 and standing little chance of meeting someone...
Also you staying together for him - I am sick of parents using their children as an excuse to live in misery - the kids do pick up on it - they are not feckin stupid.

guest777 wrote: »

im really just tryin to weigh up every option.

Sorry mate - but this line is pure BS - if you really were weighing up every option you would not be coming out with tripe like "I am staying there for him.." Instead you would be going to a solicitor / family lawyer to arm yourself with the facts of how you can get custody / access. You have not done any of that so it is clear you are going around in circles - trapped in a loveless marriage - that you have repeatedly said you are only in it for your son... Do you KNOW the type of pressure you are putting on him - do you know how scarred he will be by this?
I knew a chap in college who came from a similar house as yours - by the time I knew him - all pretense between his parents had ended - and he hated his father with such loathing I was quite shocked. Maybe this won't happen to you - maybe you both can fool each other and him.
But - you are only 30... - do you really want to wait until you are 50 or worst be chucked out in say 10 yrs when you are discovered to be cheating (in a vain attempt to feel wanted...)

You have tried counselling - she refuses - so seek advice and get out of there in a manner that protects you and your son so that you ALL stand a chance of having a good life.