not sure where i am at

LegacyUser

am married few years and in late twentys...recently began having problems in my marraige......we seem to have drifted apart....we kind of seperated for few days,but decided to give it another go......she now seems happy again where as i n last week or so i feel its not working at all,but not sure how she will take this....house and kids involved dont want to say too much more as i think other half visits this forum....also dont want to be cruel to her but i feel trapped in the marraige.....just not sure what to do....i know this could break her heart even though few weeks back it was mutual.....

sara-lou

When ye decided to give it another go did ye not talk about what ye want to change or do?

Have ye considered talking to counsellors? It has to be worth giving it a good go and trying a few directions that way you will be sure if its not working and you can always say you did really try!

LegacyUser

I think the problem here OP is that you were only seperated for a few days. You clearly needed longer to think about what you wanted and where you were going. Surely nothing could have been sorted or fixed in such a short amount of time, and so you've just gone back to the exact same situation.

Where you pressured into going back? Made to feel guilty about leaving?

Your feelings are never going to change as you're clearly stuck in a rut and maybe need a bit of more time for yourself to think things through.

Like the above said. Do you think councilling might help?

Ickle Magoo

Would consider some kind of mediation or relationship specific counselling? It may be worth trying to get to the bottom of and dealing with any issues if you feel you are just drifting along unhappily?

LegacyUser

no we did not try councillers...dont think it would work for....there have been some issues in the marraige but no one else involved or anything like that ...maybe iam being selfish..but really feel this is it for me.....its not easy i do love her but not sure in what way...dont want to hurt her or kids just feel i am stuck in something i dont believe is working for us both....its a tough one to call i have tried to speak about it but she she just keeps saying we will try harder...its been lkie this with nearly two months...

AngryBadger

OP if these issues are recent, as you say, you seem to be deciding to leave very quickly. People go through rough patches, you have to be willing to make an effort to work things out before you decide to leave.

At least try some kind of counselling before you walk away.

Bellablue

am married few years and in late twentys...recently began having problems in my marraige......we seem to have drifted apart....we kind of seperated for few days,but decided to give it another go......she now seems happy again where as i n last week or so i feel its not working at all,

Are you sure you're not my husband?? :rolleyes:

Going through exact same situation at the moment, but in your wife's position. We also tried the exact same solution. He went away for a few days to try to sort his head out and then we "tried again" when he came back. It was awful, tbh. I was making this huge effort, whereas I felt he had just put up this wall between us. There was all this fake "niceness" which was really hard to go with. In fact, no problems had really been addressed at all and I was just making a superhuman effort to be the "perfect wife"

Needless to say, a week or so later he said he couldn't continue with it any more and left.

no we did not try councillers...dont think it would work for....there have been some issues in the marraige but no one else involved or anything like that ...maybe iam being selfish..but really feel this is it for me.....its not easy i do love her but not sure in what way...

My husband has said the same thing. He also does not want to go to marriage counselling as he doesn't see how it could change his feelings. I, however, feel that if we did try to work through problems with all help necessary we could end up going forward with a much stronger marriage. Like you, there's no one else involved, we still get on great, still have same shared interests, values etc.

We are however, going to counselling separately for our own issues as well as the marriage related ones. This has helped me see things from a different perspective and make me not want to get back together if we didn't/couldn't solve our issues. However, I do feel strongly that we were together so long (12 years) that the relationship deserves more than the swift end it seems to be getting. I know I can't change how he feels, I just wish he'd take the time to consider things and maybe see if we could get through this.

If you know in your heart that this isn't for you then that's fair enough. You both need to move on and please don't say anything to your wife along the lines of "I might realise in a couple of years I'm making a dreadful mistake". This sort of stuff really hurts, and will prevent her from moving on herself.

But please be absolutely sure (or as sure as anyone can be in life) that you are doing the right thing before you end it for good. If you have any doubts, then I think you owe it to the relationship to take some time apart - a decent spell of time. That way both of you get time to have a think about what you really want, without your judgement being clouded by conversations/arguments which always seem to go round in circles.

There's no easy answer to any of this and it's a horrible thing to go through for both of you. Keep your chin up and above all you need to be very honest - with yourselves and each other

Bella

SarahSassy

OP, its not all about you, you know. You committed to this woman for life and you cant just bugger off on a whim. Marriage is for life and not just for Xmas or until you feel like moving on. Get back in there, put your shoulder to the wheel and sort this out. Your family deserve it.

Ickle Magoo

not sure wrote: »

no we did not try councillers...dont think it would work for....there have been some issues in the marraige but no one else involved or anything like that ...maybe iam being selfish..but really feel this is it for me.....its not easy i do love her but not sure in what way...dont want to hurt her or kids just feel i am stuck in something i dont believe is working for us both....its a tough one to call i have tried to speak about it but she she just keeps saying we will try harder...its been lkie this with nearly two months...

You don't think it would work? Do you not think it's worth a wee go before you run out on them? Two months? Two months of problems and you're going to throw the towel in? :eek:

You married this woman, you are a daddy to those kids - does your family not deserve you throwing everything you can at it? You chose to get married, you chose to get a house and you played a 50:50 role in the creation of those kids. You can't turn around down the line and moan that you feel trapped now and you've been unhappy for a whole two months without making any serious effort to rectify things!

You created your own circumstances and it's just cowardly to run away and suit yourself now without even trying to get to the bottom of the issues. You'll feel much better and you'll have a much easier time explaining to your kids why you left in years to come if you gave everything else a go first.

Best of luck.

StarryMoon0

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You don't think it would work? Do you not think it's worth a wee go before you run out on them? Two months? Two months of problems and you're going to throw the towel in? :eek:

Thats what I was thinking! Jeez, I finally put an end to my marriage after 5 years of problems .. 2 months??

Marriage requires work..if you work at at and do some counselling and then you decide you still feel the same way..ok..fair enough... but give it a chance just in case... least you can say you tried then

LegacyUser

we have being having problems really with good few years.......i love her but cant cope with the way things are at the minute...we have broke up before occassionally but only for few days at most.....dont know if it the right or wrong thing to do,feel like **** over the whole lot...