Not attracted to husband anymore

LegacyUser

I don't know when this happened, or over what period of time. I am very upset about it, and I am hoping for some advice here. I don't find my husband attractive in the slightest anymore. I have a feeling this might have stemmed from his lack of hygiene. I won't even go in to that, however that is my gut feeling. I have tried to talk to him about that, and he says he will change, but still hasn't, so I couldn't be bothered any more.

I find myself repulsed by him naked and although I love him to bits and feel awful just writing this, I need to get it all down and hope that this may turn around. Can you feel attracted to someone again?

We rarely have sex, and I was selfishly glad when he went on anti-depressants as his sex-drive went down, however he does ask from time to time and I just have to grin and bear it. Although I will not have sex with him unless he has a shower (and that doesn't happen often, so gets me off the hook).

So anyway, am I doomed. I do love him, but will it be like this the rest of our lives? We are married 5 years and in our early 30's.

thanks in advance.

AngryBadger

Was his hygiene always so poor that it turned you off intimacy with him, or is this a relatively recent thing?

If it's something recent-ish I'd ask has anything changed lately? You mentioned he's on anti-depressants, I assume something happened to make this necessary?

If the lack of hygiene is a new development, I suspect it's linked to his depression, find a way to solve that problem and you will probably inadvertently solve the hygiene/sex problem.

StarryMoon0

Yikes.. thats gotta be rough on you... to be honest, the poor hygeine would put me off as well. As the other poester said, likely to do with his depression. People let things go when they are depressed, just can't summon up the effort to do it.

Hard to be tactful on this one isn't

Maybe suggest showering together as foreplay..when he wants some lovin, playfully say "i'll be in the shower..come and get me"
or " go tidy yourself up and have a quick shower while I slip into something more comfortable" ..

Or just come out and say it "you smell like week old underpants and haven't shaved for a week... your not getting anythign untill you do a bit of grooming boy!"

Has there been weight gain or anything like that? Are you "close", as in is there still a spark of conversation, intamacy etc? If you don't feel connected with someone, you won't find them attractive I think.

magicwok

As ive got older in life(I'm now 28) i've become to realise that so many people stay in relationships just because they dont want to be single and on their own and i'm testiment to that, why stay with someone your not happy with? life is 2 bloody short, i'm only getting over the heartache now(it takes bloody time) but now when i'm out i have a big smile on my face and i think to myself "I'M FREE", yes sometime i get a bit lonely but i'm really enjoying the freedom to do what i want when i want and when i get into a new relationship i know i'm going to be much stronger as a result of my last relationship.

My advice is to tell him you need a break and seperate, if you dont find him sexy now your never going to find him sexy again FACT, so dont prolong the agony and tell him exactly how you feel

fungun

dont care how much you love him, if you really dont find him attractive at all and find sex a chore you are gonna end up in a stale marriage which leaves you wanting more and always susceptible to falling for someone else. So either look for a solution or move on.

If what you say in terms of hygiene is true id talk to him seriously about it....clearly mentioning that you would be more interested in sex if he was more hygienic, how disappointed you are that he doesnt make an effort for you any more and you find it hard to be sexual with him because of this.

However imo 'I don't find my husband attractive in the slightest anymore' and 'I find myself repulsed by him naked' sounds like more than lack of hygiege. If he changed and suddenly was more hygienic would you fancy him again???

Cheap Thrills!

I really feel this is already over OP.

Poor hygiene is one of those uncompromisable things you just can't get past in an adult. A man who fails to keep himself clean.....that is just beyond the beyonds. Yuk!

Perhaps he wants to break up and is trying to make you do it??

Tell him mission accomplished and give him the boot. You can't go back to fancying someone once you've become turned off anyway.

LegacyUser

@cheapthrills: tbh your comments sound very immature. I'm unsure if you've been married but, as in any longterm relationship, there'll be times when it's really tough to remember why you feel in love with someone but that doesn't mean you should immediately walk away.

Dessy, you say your husband has poor hygiene and is on anti depressants....are the two related or has he always had poor hygiene, even before becoming depressed? I know you've said you discussed it but have you come right out and said that you don't find him attractive and you think its because of this? I think you really need to have a serious conversation with him about your feelings and see how he reacts. Also would you consider trying counselling together and see if that helps things between ye? I know it doesn't work for everyone and some marriages are beyond saying but, like you, I had similar issues with my marriage a few years ago. We'd been married a few years and I started to have serious doubts. I didn't want to have sex with him, we argued constantly and I just really felt I didn't love him anymore. So I left, explained to him why and just packed my things and moved out. We were seperated a few months and, after much pleading, I agreed to go for counselling, more to give him some closure than anything. However it really helped me as much as him, we ended up back together, have been happy ever since and are now trying to have a baby. Please don't give up too easily, clearly you loved this man enough to commit yourself to him so just be sure that if you do leave it's the right decision. You definitely can feel attracted to someone again, you just need to be 100% honest with him about how this is affecting you, if he's still unwilling to change then its time to think again.

Emme

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

I really feel this is already over OP.

Poor hygiene is one of those uncompromisable things you just can't get past in an adult. A man who fails to keep himself clean.....that is just beyond the beyonds. Yuk!

Perhaps he wants to break up and is trying to make you do it??

Tell him mission accomplished and give him the boot. You can't go back to fancying someone once you've become turned off anyway.

I'd be all for saving your marriage but if your husband won't wash - yuk!:eek:

Anti-depressants have more side-effects than killing sex drive, they might be making your husband sleepy and unmotivated so he isn't bothered to shower. Was his hygiene poor before he want on them? If it was, how long has he been lazy about hygiene? Was his personal hygiene good when you were dating and first married?

I would try to tackle his hygiene head on "you won't shower so you stink, you gross me out, you make me want to puke so I'm not going to have sex with a dirty husband!" or words to that effect. Maybe you need to go to marriage counselling, that's if you want to save the marriage.

Good luck. If you love your hubby think about saving your marriage.

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

I would try to tackle his hygiene head on "you won't shower so you stink, you gross me out, you make me want to puke so I'm not going to have sex with a dirty husband!" or words to that effect.

Yes I can really see that working with a person who is depressed enough to require medication. Even if he wasnt, that doesnt exactly set up a helpful response in anyone. What do you actually think his response would be?"Oh yes, you're dead right, Im off to have a shower". Eh no.

Marriage counseling if he'll go would be a good start. Maybe getting him a second opinion on his depression? Maybe a change in medication? If he disgusts you naked has he piled on the pounds or lost an excessive amount of wieght? Both are pretty fixable. Even better if you could do something together to help reconnect. Is it his mental and emotional state that is driving all of this in the first place?

Emme

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes I can really see that working with a person who is depressed enough to require medication. Even if he wasnt, that doesnt exactly set up a helpful response in anyone. What do you actually think his response would be?"Oh yes, you're dead right, Im off to have a shower". Eh no.

Marriage counseling if he'll go would be a good start. Maybe getting him a second opinion on his depression? Maybe a change in medication? If he disgusts you naked has he piled on the pounds or lost an excessive amount of wieght? Both are pretty fixable. Even better if you could do something together to help reconnect. Is it his mental and emotional state that is driving all of this in the first place?

So how do you get somebody who has poor personal hygiene to take a shower or change their clothes? I know from experience that subtle hints are lost on these people that's how they allow themselves to get into such a smelly state in the first place! They only respond (if at all) to remarks which the rest of us might think are cruel and insensitive.

I agree that the OP's husband's depression might be behind the hygiene problem and again I would suggest marriage counselling.

The tragedy is if she does leave him he'll probably cop on, clean up and find somebody else before she does.

Canluum

^^ Wibbs has you on that Emme.

Negative reinforcement (nagging) just doesn't work and would simply add to both partner's psychological woes. "I love it when your clean and fresh, it turns me on" etc. would work a lot better and make everyone happy.

Nevyn

Lack of intrest in personal appearance and personal hygine can be part of depression.
It may take a while for the anti depressants to kick in, is he seeing a theraphist/counsellor?
Is he going to aware meetings?

There are also Aware meetings for those who are caring for and living with a person who is suffering from depression they can be very helpful as you learn ways to cope and understand what is going on.

Www.aware.ie

Emme

Canluum wrote: »

^^ Wibbs has you on that Emme.

Negative reinforcement (nagging) just doesn't work and would simply add to both partner's psychological woes. "I love it when your clean and fresh, it turns me on" etc. would work a lot better and make everyone happy.

I dated somebody with a hygiene problem and nothing, NOTHING works. I tried all the nice things like positive reinforcement and subtle hints but there was no improvement. He did clean up for a while after I gave out to him but soon went back to his old smelly ways so I had to end the relationship.

I think people with persistent poor personal hygiene are expressing anger in a passive-aggressive way. A dirty protest of sorts.

Wibbs

Emme wrote: »

So how do you get somebody who has poor personal hygiene to take a shower or change their clothes?

Not by attack. It automatically puts people on the back foot. Doubly so from a loved one.

I know from experience that subtle hints are lost on these people that's how they allow themselves to get into such a smelly state in the first place!

Or its more complex than that and there exists an underlying reason for this state of affairs. Though to be fair some people are just plain filthy buggers. No other reason involved.

They only respond (if at all) to remarks which the rest of us might think are cruel and insensitive.

Because they are cruel and insensitive with the appearance of striking out and striking points more than anything. Then more often than not people dig their heels in or there is an escalation of the argument. "You smell and Im disgusted by you!" "Well you're fat/skinny/loud/quiet/ and Im disgusted by you!" and so on.

I agree that the OP's husband's depression might be behind the hygiene problem and again I would suggest marriage counselling.

And yet you suggest an potentially hurtful remark to someone who is depressed.

The tragedy is if she does leave him he'll probably cop on, clean up and find somebody else before she does.

Canluum wrote: »

Negative reinforcement (nagging) just doesn't work and would simply add to both partner's psychological woes. "I love it when your clean and fresh, it turns me on" etc. would work a lot better and make everyone happy.

Exactly. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Lack of intrest in personal appearance and personal hygine can be part of depression.
It may take a while for the anti depressants to kick in, is he seeing a theraphist/counsellor?
Is he going to aware meetings?

There are also Aware meetings for those who are caring for and living with a person who is suffering from depression they can be very helpful as you learn ways to cope and understand what is going on.

Www.aware.ie

+ a gazillion. Given the OP's circumstances as she's laid them out, this would be the best bet. I mean she loved and fancied him in the past. Enough to marry the chap, so it would be a pity for both of them to not seek as much help as possible. It may not work out, but at least you can both feel like you tried. Even moreso for the OP. It sounds like a very hard situation for you to be in and god knows it must seem easier to detach from it all. I would just be concerned that down the line you might have a lingering regret if you dont follow up all options. I've seen that before even when the partner was a tool and they were dead right to walk away. If he doesnt follow up or doesnt get his act together, well then it's not because you didnt care or didnt try. If it does all go south at least you will know that.

Wibbs

magicwok wrote: »

if you dont find him sexy now your never going to find him sexy again FACT

I dont agree that its a fact(or even a FACT ). Yes for the most part it does follow that once its gone it gone, but Ive known too many couples where they did get the mojo back. It would also be my take that when a woman loses this feeling its more permanent. I reckon because its usually the end point reached after all the other unsatisfactory factors have built up. That almost sudden switch off, or that's how it appears. IME it's very rarely sudden. So the guy may clean up his act and thinks that's all it is, but neglects all the other little things that built up to it.

Emme

The man wants to have sex with his wife (ok not as much now he's on antidepressants) but is showing no respect for himself or for her because of lack of personal hygiene.

I hope that marriage counselling and treatment for his depression sorts out their problems. OK, maybe telling him he's revolting is a bit much, but people with poor personal hygiene are often the last to realise it. Or else they are deliberately using their lack of hygiene to make a point to everyone around them.

SarahSassy

I don’t think there is any polite way round this. I think you need to be fairly blunt with him and explain that his lack of hygiene has put you off him. See what he does about it then.

Nevyn

Well if he's getting flirty why not ask hi to join you in the shower

Moomoo1

Canluum wrote: »

Negative reinforcement (nagging) just doesn't work and would simply add to both partner's psychological woes. "I love it when your clean and fresh, it turns me on" etc. would work a lot better and make everyone happy.

+1. 'I find you much more attractive when you are clean etc' works also.

But I don't think that if even he showers every day for hours it would make a difference to the OP's feelings towards him, not at this stage. I think bad hygiene is only one problem, a much bigger problem seems to be his depression. Depressed people aren't very attractive.

Glenshane Pass

I feel sorry for this guy if he is depressed and he just isn't motivated... talk to him as said before, don't go in guns blazing.