Girlfriend's best friend is in love with her. What to do?

LegacyUser

Right, I'm basically posting because I'm a bit annoyed with my girlfriend and I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

Now Gemma (we'll call her) and I have been together for a few months, in love, late 20s. Her best friend is called John. Now I knew they had never been a couple so didn't think anything of it until she mentioned that one of her exes used to have a big problem with him. I, having tendencies towards silly jealousy in the past, thought I would be cool this time, make a definite effort to not have a problem with him and not be another person being threatened and trying to stop her seeing him.

I didn't really think much of it again until she mentioned that he had in fact been in love with her for years, but he definitely wasn't anymore because it was all in the past. Hmm..says I. Then she casually mentioned in passing in relation to something else, that she had slept with him once - which really shocked me. Then yesterday, in an email, she was comparing a situation I have with my ex to herself and John and said how she knows that he is in love with her and always will be. So basically she misled me on that one quite a bit.

Now all well and good, but this week he is coming down to visit her...to stay overnight in her house. Now I have no problem with them hanging out, but I do not think it is in any way appropriate for him to stay over. I sort of hinted at this without trying to sound controlling etc and she said that it was okay because she would sleep on the floor while he would sleep in her bed!!! Does this make it better?

Am I being unreasonable? I just don't think it is right that he would stay over in her house, not even knowing that I exist and such. I just don't want to be that controlling and jealous person...but I am irritated just thinking about it. Not because I think anything would happen, I know that she has no interest and if they were to get together it would have happened in the years they have known each other, but I just feel a bit sick thinking about it all and thinking of him sleeping in her bed.

What do I do? Am I being stupid?

LegacyUser

AmIbeingStupid? wrote: »

I didn't really think much of it again until she mentioned that he had in fact been in love with her for years, but he definitely wasn't anymore because it was all in the past. Hmm..says I. Then she casually mentioned in passing in relation to something else, that she had slept with him once - which really shocked me. Then yesterday, in an email, she was comparing a situation I have with my ex to herself and John and said how she knows that he is in love with her and always will be. So basically she misled me on that one quite a bit.

Now all well and good, but this week he is coming down to visit her...to stay overnight in her house. Now I have no problem with them hanging out, but I do not think it is in any way appropriate for him to stay over. I sort of hinted at this without trying to sound controlling etc and she said that it was okay because she would sleep on the floor while he would sleep in her bed!!! Does this make it better?

Am I being unreasonable?

You are not being unreasonable. She invited him down to stay in her house after telling you he's in love with her. It sounds like she loves the attention and drama of it all. She has absolutely no regard to how it all appears to you. Even a total outsider would think it was dodgy. She's treating you terribly.

She's a headwrecker. Cut her loose and find a girl who doesn't need to test your faith in her.

Virgil°

She knows he loves her and theyve slept together?
Shes ****ing miles over the line here.
She might be telling the truth about not wanting to sleep with him(I stress might).Though id put a 100 quid on it that this John fellow has other ideas about what will happen in the bedroom.
Your not wrong being jealous here, i cant imagine a guy who wouldnt be, in your shoes.
Truthfully dude either your girlfriend is an oblivious moron or shes being really cruel to both you and this guy(giving him ideas and allowing you to stew in your worries and jealousy).Id seriously put the foot down here.

trebor28

get rid, get out now....
how the hell can you trust her at all??
i dont trust her now and i dont know her!
i would love if a friend of mine was in love with me and was hanging around in the background rubbing my ego the whole time, having my cake and eating it too.
someone needs a slap, and id never hit a woman....

i would not stand for any of that.

even if you do put the foot down how can you be sure this doesnt prop up again and she just doesnt tell you about it?

this situation will never improve while shes stringing him along and hes allowing himself to be strung.

seenitall

Your g/f is an attention-seeker who is with you for the ego-boost you can provide, not because she loves you, and she certainly doesn't respect you.

"In love"? Don't make me laugh.

Everything about this story screams immaturity and MAJOR ego-tripping on her part.

Don't be a mug she takes you for.

Walk away now and find someone who will respect you enough not to rub previous/present/future conquests in your face.

I am seriously at a loss at how you can possibly justify this behaviour and trust her? Her behaviour does not warrant any trust!!

Get rid... yesterday!!

Wibbs

Virgil° wrote: »

She knows he loves her and theyve slept together?
Shes ****ing miles over the line here.

+1. She knew he loved her so she gets jiggy with the guy? Eh pretty sure sign of self centred behaviour. Thinking of what she wants and how she feels. Grand if what she wants coincides with what you want, but at the first sign of a diff of opinion people with that tendency dont do compromise or loyalty very well at all. Not good long term.

fungun

agree with all of the above.

Sharing a room with an ex-lover still in love with you is inappropriate. End of. Be careful how people like this position stuff - she will make this sound like its your insecurities but its not. Be firm about this. She shouldnt be doing this to him or you.

AnonoBoy

Some girls love being chased by another guy even if they have someone they're happy with. They love the attention and they love telling their boyfriend about it. In a weird way they think it'll make them work harder to keep them or something like that.

It's disrespectful, it's attention-seeking and it's all just a big selfish ego boost for her.

Tell her to knock it on the head or you walk. Simple as that.

Trashbat

fungun wrote: »

Sharing a room with an ex-lover still in love with you is inappropriate.

Couldn't agree more. Does she not have a Sofa?

It seems that she is fueling the fire here more than necessary by not only having this person in her house, but also her room. This is totally not on.

If i was you i would confront her about this and if she fails to understand, you know what you have to do. This isn't just one weekend, this will attitude and behavious will dominate your relationship. Its a clear lack of committment on her part.

MistyCheese

I feel sorry for both you and John. If what she has told you is accurate then it does seem like she's leading John on and secondly, why in the name of goodness is she telling you all of this? Especially if it's in drips and drabs like you suggest.

It would be a little bit different if she sat you down and told you the story as in a "this is my past and I think you should know" kind of way. But this isn't even in the past, it's ongoing and if she's telling you in parts it's like she's testing the waters, seeing how much you can handle and then pushing that line. When you do snap, maybe the next time she causually mentions something, maybe that they actually slept in the same bed because she had no spare blankets, she will most likely try to call you irrational and say you're overreacting and being possesive and jealous.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you if you already have self-confessed problems with jealously. This head-wreacker will only make you worse, make you doubt yourself, make you wonder "Is it really me? Am I being jealous and unreasonable?" Actually, she already is.

LittleBook

AmIbeingStupid? wrote: »

I just don't think it is right that he would stay over in her house, not even knowing that I exist and such.

Huh? You're together for months, in love ... and her "best" friend doesn't know that you exist?

fungun

LittleBook wrote: »

Huh? You're together for months, in love ... and her "best" friend doesn't know that you exist?

lol, missed that......good point.....now why wouldnt she want to tell him? :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Hey OP again. Thanks for responses guys I am actually surprised not to be told I was being silly and childish.

In response to that last point there, must have forgot to put it in the OP, but he doesn't know because she once mentioned a new partner to him and he told her that he didn't want to hear about or talk about things like that with her so she was never to mention anything along those lines again. So she hasn't.

I'm actually a bit more angry now after reading the replies cos it never occured to me before that she just shouldn't have mentioned the whole bloody thing to me in the first place. I didn't need to know that she slept with him - I really could have done without that. Although I never really know how much of this stuff is just part of the getting to know you phase and it's not like any of this stuff has come up completely out of the blue it was all in context with things we were talking about - he just became a recurrent theme.

I'm not sure what to do know. I am seeing her at the weekend so I am obviously going to talk to her about it. I just don't know how to air this stuff without sounding clingy, jealous and controlling. I am definitely going to say that him staying is not on and to be honest I know that if I say that then she will say fair enough. I just wanted to make sure I was justified first. I just don't want to come off as really insecure and threatened.

Also I mentioned it to her on the phone last night, just briefly about me not being too happy about her suddenly admitting that she knows that John is in love with her (didn't want to have the whole conversation on the phone though). And she said that it didn't matter to their friendship that he was in love with her, because they both knew it, but both love each other as friends and she knows that they are proper friends, very important to each other etc etc.

Now it might just be me being closed minded here - but is it possible to be a proper and good important friend to someone and love them as a friend if you are in love with them??? Surely John would just be thinking the whole time about how he wants to get with her? And I really do not like the idea of that.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Ger rid of her now. That one is addicted to drama and is just getting a major ego-boost from John and from making you sweat. Get rid of her, she sounds like a right piece of work, you can defo do better than that. I wouldn't even try to work it out with her because she sounds like the type of selfish cow that will promise you the sun, moon and stars and do whatever she likes. Seriously cut all contact.

fungun

how can you ever have a balanced relationship when you know that if you ever argue with her she will run to her best friend (who loves her and has slept with her) to probably bitch about you.

And despite what she says you will know that he will say and do anything he can to break you up (even if its subtle) and be there to take advantage of any weakness to try to shag her.

Id say this to her and say if she wants an adult relationship she needs to draw proper boundaries and specifically tell this 'friend' to get lost. And if she wants to continue being an egocentric immature drama queen, then cheerio.

sambuka41

AmIbeingStupid? wrote: »

And she said that it didn't matter to their friendship that he was in love with her, because they both knew it, but both love each other as friends and she knows that they are proper friends, very important to each other etc etc.

Now it might just be me being closed minded here - but is it possible to be a proper and good important friend to someone and love them as a friend if you are in love with them??? Surely John would just be thinking the whole time about how he wants to get with her? And I really do not like the idea of that.

It will absolutely effect their friendship,because he does not see her as a friend. What she is doing is really,really selfish and cruel. John will never move on while she is still doing this, telling him he's important to her.:mad:

I can see that you like her and obviously its easier to have some anger towards John, but she's the one to be angry with. You cant blame the guy,what she's saying and what she's doing are very different.

Maybe try have the talk with her and see after, maybe she doesn't see how this is hurting both you and John, but to be honest i wouldn't hold my breath. It seems like she knows what shes doing.

Micahelxcx

I agree she's enjoying the attention and the ego-boost she is getting from this other guy.
Drop her now.
You could always happen to 'drop'on on them that weekend!!!

entropi

"she said that it was okay because she would sleep on the floor while he would sleep in her bed"

So what ever happened to him sleeping on the couch in another room? She's playing some f**king game here, call her on it tbh as this stinks of something bad to me...

Glenshane Pass

Shocking abuse of you OP. This is manipulation, and there will be attempts made to do just that. End it no matter what, then see what the craic is. Don't let this go.

aidan24326

AmIbeingStupid? wrote: »

...he doesn't know because she once mentioned a new partner to him and he told her that he didn't want to hear about or talk about things like that with her so she was never to mention anything along those lines again. So she hasn't.

Well there you go. You see if they were just 'friends' he wouldn't have a problem with her mentioning her boyfriend, a pretty normal conversation between friends wouldn't you say?

That he doesn't even want to know about you means they're not just friends in the normal sense, not in his head anyway. She's really just stringing yer man along, otherwise she'd tell him straight thet she has a boyfriend, and they can be friends but that's as far as it goes. She needs to take a step back from this John fella, cool it right down, and if she won't then tell her he's welcome to her.

Exclamation Marc

Your gf is totally out of order on this one.

Firstly, she shouldn't be and in one sense isn't friends with John. If John doesn't accept that she has a boyfriend and is in love with her, and has slept with her before, his intentions are clearly not to be a 'friend', because I can tell you straight out, that a friend would accept that she has a boyfriend, keep their distance and their feelings to themselves, and most of all respect her and her actions. Pulling a "I never want to hear about your boyfriend" is a clear indicator that he's only around to get with your girlfiend, and she should know way better than this. She should either let him go or tell him that it will never happen and in no uncertain terms to get over his feelings, cos they'll never go further and they are just damaging their friendship (or whatever joke of a relationship she claims they have)

Secondly, your problems with him staying over aren't out of insecurity or jealousy, they're out of common sense. Here's a guy who's in love with your girlfiend, vocally ignores the fact that she has a boyfriend, has slept with her in the past, has implied that he wants to be with her, and you out of the picture, yet is still allowed sleep in the same room with her?

Nah-ah. This is a dealbreaker for me. And it should be for you too. If this was just a random friend, I'd be questioning the "sleeping in the same room" logic as it was, but with a guy so invested in being with the girlfiend, no way.

My advice, tell your girlfriend there is no way in hell he is staying in that house, citing the fact that he's in love with her, and that he clearly doesnt support, respect or even acknowledge your relationship with her, and for you thats not good enough because his intentions are clear, and his ignoring of your relationship is proof of that. You don't want someone with intentions so obvious like that sleeping in the same house as your girlfiend, and I can promise you this is not an unfair demand on your part.

Dealbreaker.

EDIT Oh and also, for your own piece of mind and to get an insight into your girlfriend, ask her how she didn't see the huge problem with this in the beginning? Because her inviting him down is either out of pure arrogance or massive stupidity, and if its the former, you should probably consider your relationship, and how much she actually respects you.

ilovetosing

I have to say In some ways I can understand why some people would advise you to work it out with her but whats done is done! she is playing you for a fool and its time to dump her and move onto bigger and better things! You know she isn't right for you and you are certainly not gonna spend the rest of your life with this IDIOT so why waste more time!

DUMP HER!

Sanjuro

Gotta echo the sentiments of the above posters. It sounds very dodgy. Not to do with sleeping around, but definately to do with attention-seeking. The one thing I will add, OP is this- If this does go tits-up, do not let her turn the situation on you and start blaming you for things falling apart. I had a similar situation years ago with an ex. She put me in a very difficult situation with an ex of hers who was still in love with her. When I eventually did speak up about my problem with the situation (after ages of trying to keep my mouth shut), she turned things on me. She blamed me for being jealous, insecure and paranoid and I eventually ended up beating myself up over these things. I totally bought into her BS. It was a libertating experience when years later she apologised for putting me in that situation and then turning it on me. Be sure the same thing doesn't happen to you. Good luck!

PeterTheHermit

Now it might just be me being closed minded here - but is it possible to be a proper and good important friend to someone and love them as a friend if you are in love with them??? Surely John would just be thinking the whole time about how he wants to get with her? And I really do not like the idea of that.

Dump her. Get rid of her. End of story. She is making a total fool out of you.

magneticimpulse

Id dump her. She is hiding you from a guy she slept with and he is still coming to visit. She is definitely having her cake and eating it. Its no way to treat a person your in a relationship.

Its fine she is being open and honest to you...but she not even being open and honest to other people which are close to her about dating you. Its no way to treat someone and she seems selfish and not changing.

Tell her, either this guy does not come to visit and stay overnight in her house, and if he does...your finished. Plan and simple!!!

born2bwild

Look, this girl is tooling about with the emotions and lives of two blokes. Maybe she needs to find herself a gay male friend?
Either way, you need to sort her out now:

1. Get all three of you together (there are three of you involved here)
2. Tell them - don't ask, persuade or cajole - that it's decision time: either it's her and him or her and you. The triangle is over. It's head wrecking and man-hating.
3. Don't hold back but don't be abusive: you owe it to yourself to be honest and respectful.
4.Stick to the ultimatum. This girl needs to decide whether she is ready to be honest with herself and you and the other bloke. Friendship between heterosexual men and women is very often not possible. That's just life and you all have to accept it. She has to decide whether it's you and her, honestly and without mindgames or her and yer man, honestly and without mindgames.
5. Stick to your point - the triangle ends NOW - and don't get sidetracked by waffle from any party. Life is too short for nonsense like this.
6. Don't worry: you may be pleasantly surprised by her response. If she is the kind of person who respects honesty and assertiveness then she will make her choice, if she's not then there'll more nonsense. At that point, it's sayanara, dasvidania, slan leat agus go raibh maith agat.