England World Cup

Pal

– David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed
out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in
a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

– The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.
“It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,”
said Jamal, aged six.

– I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is
white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

– What’s the difference between the England team and a tea
bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

– Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the
supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with
her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage
dear?” To which the old lady replied: “No way. You got yourself
into this mess. Don’t ask me to sort it out!”

– What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of
the World Cup? A referee.

– Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the
England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

– I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish
team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call
myself Algerian.

– What does the Englishman do when England wins the World
Cup? He switches off the Play Station.
– What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek?
Shrek can save the day.

– What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and
Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

ham_n_mustard

just heard England are getting a new coach.......its picking them up in about half an hour.

coldfire1x

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea
bag stays in the cup longer.

Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney?
The jet engine eventually stops whining.

Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing
room - Robert Green was guarding the door

big zeb

All future England matches are been shown on the gay adult channel. Apparently the sight of 11 arseholes being hammered for 90 minutes was far too explicit for BBC.

Iwasfrozen

coldfire1x wrote: »

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea
bag stays in the cup longer.

Three hours of football and Robert Green is still England's top scorer.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian

What's the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney?
The jet engine eventually stops whining.

Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing
room - Robert Green was guarding the door

The OP already told four out of those five jokes. :rolleyes:

jc77

In the jungle, South African jungle
Three lions sleep tonight
Cos in the morning, the early morning
They have to catch a flight

A win no way, a win no way
A win no way, a win no way

byrner88

Think everyone needs to stop giving Emile Heskey such a hard time and remember how good he was in the green mile!!!

Devastator

If England got any worse at footballl.......they'd be french!


*****NEWS FLASH***** We are sorry to spam your Home Page to give you this important update! The Met Office have issued a severe weather warning that will undoubtedly cause airlines to close like the volcano cloud. Unfortunately, this time round, it's a lot worse! There is a shower of sh*te on it's way back from South Africa!


Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
FIFA refused to use a video replay

John368

We now know why the England team are called the Three Lions. It is the name of the pub they play for.

John

Devastator

A man has been found in a river this morning wearing an England shirt, lacey womens knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, with a blow up sheep stuck to the end of his todger and a black rubber fist dildo inserted into his anus... Police have removed the shirt to save the family any embaressment...




The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.


News Flash: Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival by blokes too embarrassed to wear their England shirt


I’m shocked at Wayne Rooney’s outburst after the Algeria game. Who knew he could even string a sentence together!



Missing persons report. Have you seen Wayne Rooney, description: lazy fat c*nt. Went missing in southern Africa 2 weeks ago.


What’s the difference between England and Football.
England’s coming home.



Rob Green - the only man in history to goto South Africa and not catch something!



The England plane home has been diverted to Glasgow, so the team can arrive to a heroes welcome.

danniemcq

jem

the England team will make history today, they will be the first white men to land in england and be told to fcuk off back to africa.

Durex have brought out a world cup commemorative condom. its called the rob green. they are extra slippery and guarantee you'll catch f all.

thebiglad

Film of WC 2010.jpg


“Police are asking for witnesses tonight after an elderly black man had several shots fired at him from close range and was left badly shaken”.

“Several Germans were thought to be responsible and the victim, a Mr David James of Portsmouth, was taken to hospital with mild shock”.

“It is also alleged that at the time of the shootings ten bystanders looked on and did nothing to help Mr James”.

danniemcq

Some optical illusions you may not have seen

MonkieSocks

chughes

In the aftermath of England's less than satisfactory performance in the World Cup, The English Football Association have arranged a friendly match against Iceland. If they win this game, further friendlies will be arranged with Tescos and Sainsburys.

Trampas

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely sh!t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years

KenHy

It is just before England v Germany at the World Cup second round game.


Bastian Schweinsteiger goes into the German changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.


"What's up?" he asks.


"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".


Schweinsteiger looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."


So Schweinsteiger goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the German team go off for a few jars.


After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads ...


"Germany 1 - England 0 (Schweinsteiger 10minutes)".


He is beating England all by himself!


Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.


"Result from the Stadium "Germany 1 (Schweinsteiger 10 minutes) - England 1(Heskey 89 minutes)".


They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!


They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Schweinsteiger. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.


He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."


"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"


"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

danniemcq

KenHy wrote: »

It is just before England v Germany at the World Cup second round game.


Bastian Schweinsteiger goes into the German changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.


"What's up?" he asks.


"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".


Schweinsteiger looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."


So Schweinsteiger goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the German team go off for a few jars.


After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads ...


"Germany 1 - England 0 (Schweinsteiger 10minutes)".


He is beating England all by himself!


Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.


"Result from the Stadium "Germany 1 (Schweinsteiger 10 minutes) - England 1(Heskey 89 minutes)".


They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!


They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Schweinsteiger. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.


He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."


"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"


"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

at least try and make it possible. I mean Heskey scoring???

Pyridine

Englands new sponsorship deal!

Total, fcuk and UPS in joint sponsorship deal with England football team

The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’

The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. ‘Not so ****ing cocky now, are you?’ said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA ‘shoved its sponsorship deal right up its arse’. Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide’s advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.

The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will it make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’

cujimmy

Nigeria are out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to complete the transaction....

Pal

Paul the Octopus is squids in.




(going into hiding with Raoul Moat for that one)

danniemcq

Pal wrote: »

Paul the Octopus is squids in.




(going into hiding with Raoul Moat for that one)

thats not even Raoul Moat(ly) funny



*stolen from John Cleary (Sorry)

Pal

Dear Roaul Moat,

While you were in prison, John Terry was shaggin your missus.

Yours sincerely,

Wayne Bridge

dxhound2005

Gotta admire Emile Heskey, played ****e at world cup then comes back and puts on a dress and wig and wins wimbledon.