terriffic tea

melissa4gar

Terrific tea.
By Melissa Tallon.
　
Ann stood in the narrow kitchen, staring, blankly into the small, darkened window. The blackness outside was far more inviting than the empty feeling she had inside.
‘One month Ann’, she said sadly.
She began tapping the spoon against the teacup, the gentle clink whispering around the silent room. Glancing down she begins to run her finger across the lemon, custard creation before her. An invitation. The golden words handwritten to perfection.
Mr. and Mrs O’Meara
Request the company
Of ANN
‘Gosh! Its tomorrow’ she whined. ’I should be happy for my baby sister.
　
Her mind drifted to her own wedding day. She had been so nervous she had unravelled her hair before they had even left the house. When she walked into the chapel and seen a smiling Joe waiting, all nerves vanished. He had put his wedding ring on with such pride and he never took it off. The pain slowly creased her face. The house was so quiet without him. Bumping into everything and cursing under his breath. ’I heard that’ Ann said. He turned to her and smiled. ’That bloody chair moved. I swear this house is trying to injure me.’ Ann giggled, ’No Joe its just you forgetting to look where your going with that paper stuck under your nose’. Joe never looked where he was going. He crashed into everything and it was never his fault. Ann smiled a sorrowful smile. How would she go on without him? A rap on the door lifted her out of her memories and off the chair as the teacup tumbled, towards the floor.
Quietly she crept to the door and cautiously she peered on tippy toes through the glass. An elderly woman stood still, motionless, a shawl tightly tied under her chin and a large box overshadowing her slight frame. The wind whipping the scarf around her forehead.
‘Yes’ said Ann.
‘Hello, Mrs Allen. I have something for your husband Joe. Is he home?
Ann stood, rooted to the spot, all muscles in her body were tense and she couldn’t even open her mouth to reply.
‘Mrs. Allen if it’s a bad time I can come back’ said the woman politely from the porch.
‘Come in’ muttered Ann as she wrestled with the creaky old oak door. She was surprised. What would this woman have for Joe? She thought back to the last time she had seen him. A month ago, today. A night just like this. Windy, wet and darkened from thunder clouds. How would she explain he wasn’t here?
Uncomfortable with the way Ann was looking at her the woman introduced herself.
‘My name is Nancy. I own the pottery factory over in Ballyville. Your husband was to return to pick these up last week.’ she slowly explained.
‘Would you like some tea?’ flustered Ann, her eyes not daring to move from the parcel in Nancy’s arms.
As Ann cleared up the broken pieces of china from the floor Nancy Felt a pang of guilt. ‘I hadn’t meant to startle you Mrs. Allen‘.
‘Ann, Please call me Ann. Its ok I was just not expecting company.‘ Nancy looked around at the hundreds of pictures scattered around the bright room. Pictures of Joe everywhere. Circle frames with him holding up a fish, grinning from ear to ear. Square ones, of them at the beach, sun shining, a glowing tan. Oval ones of Joe in a suit, even triangle ones when he’s playing football in a park. Each picture held a memory and captured that wonderful smile Nancy had gotten so used to and missed in the last few weeks.
‘So Mrs Allen as I said I own the pottery factory and Joe enrolled in one of our beginner courses. He wanted to make a teacup set for your sisters wedding.’
Opening the box she carefully picked up the tiny, fragile cup and passed it to Ann.
She read the message “FOR A LOVE THAT NEVER DIES” inscribed along the brim. She burst into tears. They were coming thick and fast, slipping and sliding down her overtired, ashen face and landing in the bottom of the tiny cup.
Nancy was confused and shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Not knowing if she should try console Mrs. Allen or not and totally bemused as to the reason for this sudden out burst of emotion. Waiting patiently for Ann to compose herself and catch her breath Nancy sipped her scalding cup of tea.
‘Terrific tea’, Complimented Nancy breaking the silence and delighted to be sitting in a warm room out of the weather. It had been a longer bus journey than she had anticipated. She had stood outside the house for almost fifteen minutes, watching shadows move around behind the partly drawn blind. ‘I am so sorry to bother you at home this late in the afternoon but Joe hadn’t returned to pick up the tea set and he seems to be not answering his phone’, began Nancy. ‘ I had expected him back last week at the latest. He was so excited to see the finished article last time we were talking’.
Ann sat in total silence, glaring at the cup in hope she would sense Joe off it. She couldn’t imagine him, a big, rough and tumble kind of guy fiddling around with pottery, never mind to create a magnificent tea set like the one she was cradling.
Ann breathed in and looked at Nancy. The pain in her eyes staring in disbelief at the tea set. She cleared her throat and spoke slowly as if the words were like razor blades on her tongue. ’Joe passed away a month ago‘, she barely managed to whisper. She paused, hearing each word echo violently around the quiet room. This was the first time she had spoken those devastating words out loud. It was like being punched in the face just hearing them. Her mind wandered to earlier that morning. She had braved the weather and her unsteady emotional state and had taken a trip to the shop. Standing by the milk she could hear the whispers of people as they quietly passed by her. ’ The poor woman, he was such a lovely man’ they sympathised, a little too loudly. Nancy just sat in her chair, opposite to ann, her mouth wide open, unable to utter a single syllable. ’ I’m so sorry Mrs. Allen. I had no idea‘. Embarrassed she stood to her feet. Willing herself back in time an hour. ’I shouldn’t have come unannounced’. ‘Please sit back down Nancy. Its nice to have company. The two women sat for a further hour chatting about Joe and sipping tea. Nancy learned Joe had died in a horrific road accident. ‘ I don’t understand how I hadn’t made the connection’. nancy was feeling rather upset and foolish at coming here. ‘Where was he when it happened‘?
Ann sat upright in her chair. ‘I have no idea. He was supposed to be in work but he came along the motorway from the wrong dirrection. I don’t know anything about his last movements’ she replied sadly. Ann couldn’t understand the pull this woman had on her but she could talk to her. It hurt so much to talk about him yet she couldn’t help herself. ‘He hadn’t been wearing his wedding ring.’ she confessed, her voice trembling. ‘he never takes it off.’
The women chatted and reminisced, cried and laughed. ‘You spent a lot of time with him’ said ann. Nancy thought about this statement for a moment or two. ‘No, only four days he was at the course. He was such a nice man and helped me to clear up each evening. He talked a lot about you and your family. He really loved you’. Ann began to cry again. ’I’m so sorry I have kept you so late Nancy. Would you like me to walk you to your car?’
Embarrassed, Nancy told Ann how she had gotten the bus, and waited outside. ’I’ve never done this before. Many people complete the course and never return for their items but Joe had been so adamant that he wanted it as a gift for your sisters wedding I just felt I had to bring it‘. Shocked at the effort this woman had made and grateful she could touch this beautiful tea set Joe had created in the last days in his life, Ann felt sympathy for Nancy. I would like to drive you back. Ballyville you said? I’ll just grab my keys. Flattered at the offer Nancy accepted. At least she wouldn’t have to walk back to the bus stop in that rain.
Ann returned after the two hour round trip and sat on the chair Nancy had been in. The parcel sat on the side table. She bagan unwrapping the snow white cups from their bubble wrap and laid each one on its saucer. Each one of the six had a separate inscription.
‘FOR A LOVE THAT NEVER DIES’
‘FAMILY AND FRIENDSHIP’
‘MARRIGE AND LOYALTY’
‘LAUGHTER AND TEARS’
‘CHILDREN AND MEMORIES’
‘ GROWING OLD AND WISE’
Gripping the last cup Ann swallowed back the tears. ‘Joe why had you to always be so clumsy. I need you here to grow old and wise with. Running her fingers across the cup she felt a bump. All the cups had been made to perfection. The way Joe would of wanted but this had a flaw. A bump. Looking down at the cup Ann started to hyperventilate. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. She was now shouting. Jumping off the chair to turn on the main light she looked closely at the cup. I don’t believe it she whispered as if the cup would crack at the sound of her voice. Embedded into the handle of the tiny teacup was a piese of gold. She traced her finger along the shape slowly. Joe had returned to her heart. Here beneath the china, inside the fragile tea cup was Joe’s wedding ring. Above it the words, growing old and wise.

djeddy

Nice

pickarooney

Hi Melissa,

I know you've posted this at least once before, and I was sure a few people had left feedback on it, but can't find any replies to the post you made in April. Did you by any chance post it previously under another name or am I imagining things?

melissa4gar

yea i posted it before under this name but i didnt think there was any comments left at all:(

pickarooney

Must have been my imagination - I was convinced at least three people had commented on it, including myself. Really weird, I could nearly say word for word what (apparently I dreamt) they said!

I'll give it another read in the morning and get back to you.

pickarooney

I promised you some feedback on this so I will give a quick reaction now before the football and the weekend start

It's a sweet story that drags a bit in places and needs a bit of tidying up. I think you need to focus more on the simpler themes of the story - love, loss, longing... and not try to convolute it too much.

The dialogue in particular seems forced or stilted. It's admittedly a situation where conversation would not flow too easily, but in a couple of cases I as a reader felt myself thinking "she wouldn't say that".

melissa4gar wrote: »

　
Ann stood in the narrow kitchen, staring, blankly into the small, darkened window. The blackness outside was far more inviting than the empty feeling she had inside.

One doesn't really look into a window, the way one does a fire for example. I think she should either look through the window into the darkness or at it.
The symbolism feels forced - why not just have her looking into the blackness; it's an obvious enough metaphor that the reader should identify with.

‘One month Ann’, she said sadly.

I just can't picture someone saying this out loud to herself, using her own name, like that. Just the words "one month" or her looking at a calendar might convey this more naturally.

She began tapping the spoon against the teacup, the gentle clink whispering around the silent room.

The clink of metal on china clink is sharp and high-pitched, not gentle like a whisper. Small details like this can make a big difference.

Glancing down she begins to run her finger across the lemon, custard creation before her. An invitation. The golden words handwritten to perfection.

Be careful of switching between tenses. Keep it all in the past or present.
The use of two foodstuffs to describe the colour of the invitation is confusing. Use 'and' between them if you must use these particular adjectives. 'Handwritten to perfection' is a bit odd. You might use this construct with 'done' or 'cooked' but really, too much description of the invitation here.

Mr. and Mrs O’Meara
Request the company
Of ANN

‘Gosh! Its tomorrow’ she whined. ’I should be happy for my baby sister.

Again, she wouldn't say this. "Gosh" as though it were a complete surprise? A wedding that's been organised months in advance? I just don't buy her saying the second bit out loud either. Maybe have her say this to the woman when she arrives later or just think it?

　
Her mind drifted to her own wedding day. She had been so nervous she had unravelled her hair before they had even left the house. When she walked into the chapel and seen a smiling Joe waiting, all nerves vanished. He had put his wedding ring on with such pride and he never took it off. The pain slowly creased her face. The house was so quiet without him.

Tense mix-up again. "The pain" - what pain does it refer to? Just "Pain" maybe?

And now the football's on, so I have to go for now...

Black Heart

Good story. I agree with pickarooney's comments, and one more thing: would it be possible to make a china tea set in four days? I have no right to criticise, seeing as my own writing is awful, so that's more of a thought, not an attack.

pickarooney

I have a small bit of time this afternoon if you want any more feedback from me.

iguana

It's a nice idea but perhaps not plotted correctly. We are in the last quarter of the story when we learn that Joe wasn't wearing his ring and coming from some place he shouldn't have been, so the reveal at the end isn't much of a reveal. In fact we already know he was doing a pottery course his wife didn't know about when we learn his wife didn't know why he was where he was when he died, so the reveal becomes obvious. I'd bring Ann's doubts about Joe in to the first quarter of the story so the reader is wondering from the start.

dawvee

iguana wrote: »

It's a nice idea but perhaps not plotted correctly. We are in the last quarter of the story when we learn that Joe wasn't wearing his ring and coming from some place he shouldn't have been, so the reveal at the end isn't much of a reveal. In fact we already know he was doing a pottery course his wife didn't know about when we learn his wife didn't know why he was where he was when he died, so the reveal becomes obvious. I'd bring Ann's doubts about Joe in to the first quarter of the story so the reader is wondering from the start.

I'd agree with this. The way the story is structured is unnecessarily confusing at times as well.

Get the important details out early: Ann's husband Joe is dead. He died in a car crash coming from some unknown location, and wasn't wearing his ring. That should be right up front in the story, because that's the source of the protagonist's conflict. As it currently stands, the opening reads like it's something about her sister that's upsetting her.

Also, the sense of Nancy's 'fondness' for Joe seems a little over the top to me for a student she knew for all of four days. The line "Each picture held a memory and captured that wonderful smile Nancy had gotten so used to and missed in the last few weeks." to me suggests an attraction, if not more. Given where the story ends up, it's a bit out of place.

All in all, it is a good idea, but as Iguana says, you leave the key exposition too late, dropping the resolution on us almost as soon as you tell us what the conflict is.

Personally, I would lead with the 'suspicious' circumstances surrounding his death. I'd make the sister's wedding seem like an incidental trigger for Ann's character ("Oh, little sister is getting married, when here I'm a widow because Joe might have been cheating"). Then a strange woman shows up at her door asking about Joe. Ann is caught between grilling Nancy for details of how she knew Joe, and not wanting to hear the answers. Nancy's story has weight, though. How does she know about little sister's wedding? Finally Nancy opens the box and shows her the teacups, as proof that she's told Ann the truth. Ann looks at the teacups and finds the one with his ring. Roll credits.