appropriate?

LegacyUser

Is it appropriate for an absent father to send a three year old a birthday gift [three weeks after the birthday] and hand delivered by a third party so return address cannot be known. Met the child once. Child does not know where he is or when he will be seen again. No birthday gift previously received or sent.

Khannie

On first inspection of one side of the story: No way IMO.

edellc

it is inappropriate IMO for a stranger to turn up at your door with a gift for your child from his/her father that he/she has never meet
however i see no harm in the child having the present if it is deemed appropriate to their age by you

LegacyUser

It is not a stranger delivering it. It is a relative of the absent father's who knows the child. The contents are not being disclosed by the father.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you sure the present was actually from the father? It may have been from the relative, embarrassed by his complete lack of interest in his child, thinking they were doing the "right thing".

What do you mean by "the contents are not being disclosed by the father?"

I take it you haven't given it to the child because you don't know if it will open a can of worms and a whole load of questions that you don't have answers to? If it is from the father, maybe it's his first step at trying to become some sort of a father. Maybe he didn't deliver it himself because he's afraid of the reaction he might have gotten.. and sent someone else to test the waters.

There's alot of "maybe" there, but you're not giving much away, and obviously it's impossible for anyone else to know what (if anything) he is thinking.

How Strange

Based on what you said no it's not 'appropriate'. However I would give the gift to the child and explain where it came from. The child will ask questions about his/her father so you may as wel introduce the idea even if he is absent.

Nevyn

So the absent father who doen't have visitation or access sent a birthday gift for his child and got a trusted relative to deliver it.

I think it's a nice guesture and that he may be looking to reconnect with the child.

Why is the lack of a return address and issue, would you be looking to send it back?
Why are you concerned the content is not 'disclosed' it's a present for a child, why the paranoia?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. He has decided not to send anything.

@Thaed. When I said the contents were not disclosed I was responding to edellc's comment that as long as it is age appropriate it should be ok. I have no idea what it was. But that wouldnt have been really my concern. The return address is an issue not because I would send it back but to illustrate not wanting to be found and not wanting the child or me to know where he is. Which the child does want to know. So its a gift but its not a gift either.

My concern would have been, though moot now, is getting a gift from a parent who has made a point not to be in your life.

And yes it would open a can of worms because I cant answer the child's questions about him. I dont have the answers.

Fittle

I think, at 3, the child is a bit young to be telling him/her that the present came from the absent father.
I'm sure the child will have questions as they age, but 3 is very young to try to explain where the present came from.

I think it's more inappropriate that he's absent btw:rolleyes:

If it's a decent present, give it to the child and say nothing. Let the child get pleasure from the gift (assuming it's a toy for a 3yr old?).

If it's not that great, hang onto it for future. My guess is absent daddy will arrive at some point in the childs life and want to know if you gave the child the present he sent when the child was 3...(I can hear it now...:rolleyes:)

Khannie

queryingmother wrote: »

The return address is an issue not because I would send it back but to illustrate not wanting to be found and not wanting the child or me to know where he is. Which the child does want to know. So its a gift but its not a gift either.

I've never put a return address on anything I've ever sent tbh. I'm a little confused by why you'd feel it appropriate to put a return address on a gift?

queryingmother wrote: »

My concern would have been, though moot now, is getting a gift from a parent who has made a point not to be in your life.

Well....I suppose they have to start somewhere if they want in. How would you feel if he did want to be more of a part in the childs life?

We have an absent father thing ourselves. Not sure how I'd feel about a gift arriving for the youngfella, but the more I think about it the more I'd probably look positively on it.

pickarooney

Khannie wrote: »

I've never put a return address on anything I've ever sent tbh. I'm a little confused by why you'd feel it appropriate to put a return address on a gift?

For the post office in case of a recipient not found or the package containing something illegal or dangerous. In most countries I believe it's required to have a sender address on everything, including letters, but apparently not in Ireland. It's still good practice though.

I'm a little confused as to the sequence of events here. OP, how did you know the father was first sending a present and then not sending a present and that there was or wasn't a return address on it?

Khannie

pickarooney wrote: »

It's still good practice though.

Maybe if you're using the post office, but a relative? Was there a sending address on it like?

LegacyUser

Khannie wrote: »

I've never put a return address on anything I've ever sent tbh. I'm a little confused by why you'd feel it appropriate to put a return address on a gift?



Well....I suppose they have to start somewhere if they want in. How would you feel if he did want to be more of a part in the childs life?

We have an absent father thing ourselves. Not sure how I'd feel about a gift arriving for the youngfella, but the more I think about it the more I'd probably look positively on it.

I can see the confusion. No I wouldnt normally put a return address on a gift either unless I sent it by post. He wont send it by post because he doesnt want the stamp giving away his location, which is why a relative is hand delivering it three weeks later.

Yes a gift can be seen as a positive step - I agree with that - tentatively. Bewarre of greeks etc....

Im asking because I dont have an answer. But as I said he has decided not to so its a non issue now.

Muckie

The childs father could have/should have contacted you before he sent
it, rang in advanced maybe.
I personally wouldn't like a stranger turning up at the door. Very odd.

Khannie

queryingmother wrote: »

But as I said he has decided not to so its a non issue now.

Ah, I missed that bit. I assumed that the relative had already landed on your doorstep when I read the first post.

Nevyn

I am locking this thread at this point.
The unreg facility can be checked by the mods if they think this someone is abusing it and abuse of it will result in the account of the poster being sanctioned, esp if they have been warned about using the forum to take shots at other posters.