Wedding After Invitee Present Etiquette

PGreenMunich

Hi,

I have been invited to the "afters" of a friends wedding. I am wondering what the etiquette is regarding gifts as an afters invitee??

Nearly all of my friends have been invited to the full event, we are all in our 20's. In fact I am the only one I know going to the afters.

I asked my family and they said a present would not be expected.

However having searched a bit on the internet I see that doesnt appear the case?


Can anyone please advise? Would it be deemed really bad if I didnt give a present?

newtoboards

€50 in a card should cover it or a nice picture frame perhaps.

irishejit

If it was me I wouldn't be getting them a present.....

1) they'll be getting plenty of presents from the people going to the whole affair

2) it's hardly fair to expect you to get a present for a few sausage rolls and a sandwich as a thanks for getting the evening buffet when everyone else gets a nice big dinner

3) screw them as they've invited all your friends to the whole thing and not you

How Strange

I hate this afters crack. It's a cheap way of getting more presents out of people without actually inviting them to your wedding.

Personally I don't go to afters but if I did go to one I'd buy a present for max €30, wrap it up and give it with a card. I wouldn't spend any more than €30. €50 is too much IMO.

Go into Arnotts or somewhere and buy them something in the homeware section.

Lillylilly

PGreenMunich wrote: »

Hi,

I have been invited to the "afters" of a friends wedding.

If it's your friend getting married, and you want to give a gift, give a gift. People get too caught up in who's invited to the full wedding/ afters etc. Weddings are so expensive, and your friend probably found it hard cutting numbers. They thought about you enough to invite you to the afters- look at it that way. If you want to join them in their celebration- do! Don't get caught up in "so and so got invited to the meal". You still got asked to be a part of the day!

kayos

How Strange wrote: »

I hate this afters crack. It's a cheap way of getting more presents out of people without actually inviting them to your wedding.

So because a couple can not afford to feed 150 - 250 people a big slap up meal but do want to have all their friends their for the party afterward you say they are looking for more gifts? So your best friend gets married but has a tiny meal and you were not invited just direct family you wouldnt give them so much as a card?

OP we're doing a tiny day part and meal for only our family and then a party afterwards for everyone. We dont expect gifts from any one never mind people going to the afters. Due to the restriction on numbers we've been getting it in the neck from all angels that such and such is not good enough to be invited. Which is BS, we have a budget, we have a max number we can fit in the room for the meal. Thats the long and short of it. Sadly when it comes to inviting people to weddings you just can not please every one. I'm sure you will find out this for yourself when you get married.

Its like this if they are good friends and you want to get them a gift do, if you only want to give them a card then do that. If you dont want to do either thats fine as well. I'm sure your being invited as a friend not as a gift giver.

To many people think the only reason to be invited to a wedding is to be mugged for a gift. What ever happened to the fact your being asked to celebrate the marriage with your friends?

How Strange

kayos wrote: »

So because a couple can not afford to feed 150 - 250 people a big slap up meal but do want to have all their friends their for the party afterward you say they are looking for more gifts? So your best friend gets married but has a tiny meal and you were not invited just direct family you wouldnt give them so much as a card?

OP we're doing a tiny day part and meal for only our family and then a party afterwards for everyone. We dont expect gifts from any one never mind people going to the afters. Due to the restriction on numbers we've been getting it in the neck from all angels that such and such is not good enough to be invited. Which is BS, we have a budget, we have a max number we can fit in the room for the meal. Thats the long and short of it. Sadly when it comes to inviting people to weddings you just can not please every one. I'm sure you will find out this for yourself when you get married.

Its like this if they are good friends and you want to get them a gift do, if you only want to give them a card then do that. If you dont want to do either thats fine as well. I'm sure your being invited as a friend not as a gift giver.

To many people think the only reason to be invited to a wedding is to be mugged for a gift. What ever happened to the fact your being asked to celebrate the marriage with your friends?

woah, stall the digger there kayos.

We had exactly the same type of wedding as you but being invited to the afters of a 'traditional' is not the same thing. The afters of a wedding means being invited to come at around 9.30/10pm where you get served up some sandwiches and a cup of tea and you stand at the bar and feel slightly uncomfortable because all the real guests are half sloshed at that stage.

PGreenMunich

Hi everyone,

Thanks for replies, still not sure though!


Just to put it into context about the size, well I know at least 25 odd folks in a group of 20 somethings invited going to the full bash and as I said I am the only one I know in this demographic who is only going to the afters. I totally understand the practicalities of inviting people to weddings for the couple, it must be hard to keep the numbers down. I did feel slightly put out as a few who have known them not as long as I are invited to the full thing. I am over that though!

I am also pretty broke and jobless..

I am thinking now that if I give a present I would give max cash €50 and card. If I were to do this can anyone advise what the etiquette is on giving the present?

Could I wait till after the wedding and send it in the post to them??



Thanks

How Strange

I never bring a present to a wedding because I'd be concerned it would get lost. I always give it after the wedding but that's just me.

Millie

I wouldn't see any issue with giving a gift after the wedding and if I were you I'd give something like a photoframe or something along those lines.

BC

PGreenMunich wrote: »

I am thinking now that if I give a present I would give max cash €50 and card. If I were to do this can anyone advise what the etiquette is on giving the present?

Could I wait till after the wedding and send it in the post to them??



Thanks

I always wait until after the wedding to give the present. As others have said - it means it doesn't get lost!

kayos

For the love of god dont buy a picture frame..... we have about 10 from our engagement alone. Yes its the thought that counts but when you end up with 20 of the same thoughts you can not help but hate the feckers :P.

Would prefer 10euro in a card than a 50 euro frame tbh.
Acutally would prefer a lucky penny to a picture frame.

sunshiner

buy them something like a voucher for 40 euro for a restaurant,something for their home,glasses,pottery.

Whispered

How Strange wrote: »

The afters of a wedding means being invited to come at around 9.30/10pm where you get served up some sandwiches and a cup of tea and you stand at the bar and feel slightly uncomfortable because all the real guests are half sloshed at that stage.

Oh god do people really think like this?? :eek: I am looking more forward to our afters than the wedding meal. I'm looking at it as the party after all of the formal stuff is over with. We simply couldn't have everyone at the meal. I hope our after guests don't feel like that. I'm worried now. Is there any way to make it less like that for them?

Lillylilly

Whispered, some people think like that, and others are happy at being invited to celebrate any aspect of your special day. Don't worry about it.

kayos

Whispered wrote: »

Oh god do people really think like this?? :eek: I am looking more forward to our afters than the wedding meal. I'm looking at it as the party after all of the formal stuff is over with. We simply couldn't have everyone at the meal. I hope our after guests don't feel like that. I'm worried now. Is there any way to make it less like that for them?

Obviously some do and they are the people who dont deserve a second thought.

Dont worry Whiispered those that really count will happy to be involved in your wedding celebrations. Heck half my friends are happy they dont have to suffer a full day sitting in a suit and enduring the speechs.

Its true though the afters is the party, the rest of the day you are gonna be pulled from pillar to post, sitting away from half your guests at the meal etc. Once the first dance happens you get to mingle and enjoy the rest of the night with your guests.

H8GHOTI

I agree with How Strange here. Not a fan of having separate guests for the afters. Not sure about the only doing it for presents part, maybe some do. But the feeling awkward part is true for a lot of people I'd think.

Full Guest: Wasn't the church beautiful?
Afters Guest: I wasn't invited.
FG: Oh. Emmm. Ok. Ahh, DJ good isn't he?

As for the "It's nice to be asked to any part of the day" or "At least they thought about you". That's a load of crap imo. Anyone could get invited to an afters of a wedding. It don't mean that much tbh.

If the dinner is only for 40-50 people, maybe it's not so bad. But in the case here it sounds like a big wedding where OP is the only one not invited from within a certain group. That looks like bad form on the face of it.

As for the present I wouldn't be too bothered about it unless I was invited to the full day. Someone else mentioned a voucher for a restaurant. That's not a bad idea, maybe €30. I wouldn't give €50 as an afters guest.

How Strange

Also, with regards to 'afters' if it was a work colleague or a friend of a friend then fine IF it is being held in a venue local to me. I can go, have a few drinks, chat, dance, have a nice evening and go home.

Alot of weddings now are being held a far distance from where the bride and groom and most of the guests live so if I'm invited to the afters of a wedding and it involves me driving a couple of hours to get there and either sipping water for the evening and driving home or staying in accomodation then I'll politely decline.

Yes, it's true to say that the party is only starting after the dinner but often times the party is in full swing because the day guests have already had their few drinks and are quite merry and are sitting around tables chatting to their friends.