broke up because he doesnt trust me :(

LegacyUser

My bf just broke up with me after two years.:(
He says he loves me but doesnt trust me.It has nothing to do with me he said its in his head and he cant live like that
I have never given him any reason not to dis trust me i am loyal and always around for him i dont go out i dont even have male friends to question me on.I have like three friends in world i dont ever see anymore.
Every plan for future was with him married in few months and all we were meant to be I am shattered,i just want to reach out and make him change his mind.I dont know what i am going to do.
I am trying to not beg him to not finish with me
But if i dont i am afraid he will think i dont love him and just letting him go i am so scared i will never be able to be with him and love him and talk to him again
I have never in my life given or loved any man like i love him and now he has just finished as easy as that.He says he loves me with all his heart and always will how can he finish with me if thats true.I feel numb shocked and sick and so hurt and upset.I dont know what to do.:( How can someone walk away from anyone they love if they really love them
Help any advice i dont know how to help him with his trust issues

LegacyUser

shatteredheart wrote: »

I have never given him any reason not to dis trust me i am loyal and always around for him i dont go out i dont even have male friends to question me on.I have like three friends in world i dont ever see anymore.

It sounds like you'd be better off without him, and your boyfriend has realised this too. He had no reason to be jealous, yet he was. He quietly got you to stop seeing your friends. He's now suddenly woken up and realised that the relationship you had was a sham, you can't control what another person does.

It's amazing what we get used to when we're in relationships. Would you have thought five years ago that you would give up your friends for a man? If it's something you thought you'd never do, that's all the proof you need that this relationship was in no way right for you.

LighterGuy

Hmmm. There is definitely more going on to the situation than you wrote. But its hard to come down as to what it really is.

His words of "I cant be with you cause I dont trust you, but I will always love you" - thats sounds such a "its me, not you" line. Classic break-up line. It really comes down to if there was ever a situation were trust was thrown up in the air in your relationship. Aka, is he just over-reacting to a previous situation? ... being the really jealous type? (not moving past something?)


But... i'd say if what you said in your post above is 100% how it went down.... im sorry to say hun but it sounds like he is using this "trust" angle as a way to break up with you. Alot people out there would rather break-up through some way rather than just say to their partner that you want to break up.

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

Hmmm. There is definitely more going on to the situation than you wrote. But its hard to come down as to what it really is.

His words of "I cant be with you cause I dont trust you, but I will always love you" - thats sounds such a "its me, not you" line. Classic break-up line. It really comes down to if there was ever a situation were trust was thrown up in the air in your relationship. Aka, is he just over-reacting to a previous situation? ... being the really jealous type? (not moving past something?)


But... i'd say if what you said in your post above is 100% how it went down.... im sorry to say hun but it sounds like he is using this "trust" angle as a way to break up with you. Alot people out there would rather break-up through some way rather than just say to their partner that you want to break up.

Hi thanks for your reply,i literally have no one in world to turn to,i recently lost my brother in tragic circumstances
And now to lose my bf the man i love my best friend
I have a child from previous relationship which caused a few problems,he had issues with me having sexual relations with other people.But he seemed to over come them.
But there is no issues or reasons i have done nothing to give a reason to not trust me:(
He said he has tried to over come his issues but just cant.
He is away at the moment in another country and damn Networks went down and couldnt speak on computer to him for two days and even though i had told him and text him he got in his head i was making it up
I dont know what to do i seriously have lost everything and my heart is shattered i dont know if i can cope.

Taltos

shatteredheart wrote: »

I have never given him any reason not to dis trust me
i am loyal
always around for him
i dont go out
i dont even have male friends to question me on.
I have like three friends in world i dont ever see anymore.

OP - maybe you should try to see the plus side here - you now have a chance to establish your own identity and friends.

The whole of above jumped out at me - is there any chance that you invested so much of yourself in this that you suffocated him... The reason I ask is all that you used to validate how good of a GF you were are instead signals to me at least of an unhealthy relationship... None of these things are good things in a relationship and usually one or two indicate a troubled (lack of trust / jealous bf or gf) relationship...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - maybe you should try to see the plus side here - you now have a chance to establish your own identity and friends.

The whole of above jumped out at me - is there any chance that you invested so much of yourself in this that you suffocated him... The reason I ask is all that you used to validate how good of a GF you were are instead signals to me at least of an unhealthy relationship... None of these things are good things in a relationship and usually one or two indicate a troubled (lack of trust / jealous bf or gf) relationship...

I wish it was like that,but it was the opposite.I invested all of my time in our relationship because i felt he and we are worth it.
I don't have male friends because i have nothing in common with guys in friendship wise.
And my friends i don't see anymore because they have had loss in family and their lives have become separate to mine and some moved.I just emphasized on that to show i havent been out clubbing or anything to even give slight bit of doubt or lie or anything there.
I wish it was a case of suffocating at least i could work with that and give him space but we get alot of our own space and time.I even encourage him if i feel he needs it to go out have a laugh with his friends.I seriously don't know what i have done.

mood

shatteredheart wrote: »

Hi thanks for your reply,i literally have no one in world to turn to,i recently lost my brother in tragic circumstances
And now to lose my bf the man i love my best friend
I have a child from previous relationship which caused a few problems,he had issues with me having sexual relations with other people.But he seemed to over come them.
But there is no issues or reasons i have done nothing to give a reason to not trust me:(
He said he has tried to over come his issues but just cant.
He is away at the moment in another country and damn Networks went down and couldnt speak on computer to him for two days and even though i had told him and text him he got in his head i was making it up
I dont know what to do i seriously have lost everything and my heart is shattered i dont know if i can cope.

If this is the real reason he broke up with you and there was really no reason not to trust you then he could have tried to get help ie counselling. If he is not or was not willing to try counselling to over come an irrational lack of trust on his part then why would you want to be with him!

LegacyUser

unregsitered wrote: »

It sounds like you'd be better off without him, and your boyfriend has realised this too. He had no reason to be jealous, yet he was. He quietly got you to stop seeing your friends. He's now suddenly woken up and realised that the relationship you had was a sham, you can't control what another person does.

It's amazing what we get used to when we're in relationships. Would you have thought five years ago that you would give up your friends for a man? If it's something you thought you'd never do, that's all the proof you need that this relationship was in no way right for you.

Hey wow i dont want him thinking i am better off without him thats my choice to make isnt it.And my life is alot better with him.I have never had the closeness and friendship and love i have with this man.I love admire and respect him whole heartedly
I didnt give up my friends for him i just drifted from them with their own problems in life,they still keep in contact.And some of them moved away.We just ended up on different paths.
He didnt control me.i wouldnt allow anyone control me i am actually very stubborn person and strong minded person.If i thought he was controling i wouldnt have allowed it.
Calling someones relationship of two years and love and investing in eachother a sham is not true.

But then i question that as me been just upset and hurt and know he loves me and just he has serious issues with his trust and i just want to try fix it
But i know i cant i know i cant force him to be with me if he doesnt feel he can and now i am back to square one with out the man i love and saw our future together and i dont know how i can cope with it and loss of my other best friend only in world my brother.He is one i would turn to now and i havent got him to turn to

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

If this is the real reason he broke up with you and there was really no reason not to trust you then he could have tried to get help ie counselling. If he is not or was not willing to try counselling to over come an irrational lack of trust on his part then why would you want to be with him!

I suggested that,he said he has been for past few months with out me knowing and its not helping.I said we do it together,he doesnt feel it will help.
He seems to doubt himself in his ability to over come his lack of trust,he also said its not just me its everyone he is having problems trusting.I know i cant force him to change his mind.But i want to go with him and do it together and give him the support to get through that.Isnt that what loving someone is about although they have a fault and it is the only one he has,you support them,other than that he treats me great shows me love all time and respect and we get on great.

LegacyUser

'I have a child from previous relationship which caused a few problems,he had issues with me having sexual relations with other people.But he seemed to over come them.'

???

I know this is about your previous bf (father of your child) but am I reading this right? Did you have sexual relations with other people while you were with him, and if so, did your most recent ex, know this?

mood

shatteredheart wrote: »

Hey wow i dont want him thinking i am better off without him thats my choice to make isnt it.And my life is alot better with him.I have never had the closeness and friendship and love i have with this man.I love admire and respect him whole heartedly
I didnt give up my friends for him i just drifted from them with their own problems in life,they still keep in contact.And some of them moved away.We just ended up on different paths.
He didnt control me.i wouldnt allow anyone control me i am actually very stubborn person and strong minded person.If i thought he was controling i wouldnt have allowed it.
Calling someones relationship of two years and love and investing in eachother a sham is not true.

But then i question that as me been just upset and hurt and know he loves me and just he has serious issues with his trust and i just want to try fix it
But i know i cant i know i cant force him to be with me if he doesnt feel he can and now i am back to square one with out the man i love and saw our future together and i dont know how i can cope with it and loss of my other best friend only in world my brother.He is one i would turn to now and i havent got him to turn to

But he can get professional help IF he want the relationship to work.

Taltos

If he is unwilling/unable to work on this - then whatever his reasons / excuses then I suggest you accept this and do all you can to move on and build a life for yourself - no matter what happened in the past.

Seems like he has tried to work with help but has been unsuccessful.

LegacyUser

I am really sorry to hear about your lost.

I went through a similar situation, except that I don't have a child and we were not together 2 years but the rest is the same.

I agree with few posters above what is is the most important part that you have to realize now is that, this man that you say you love so much and were meant to be etc. decided to break up with you at the worst of time, after losing your brother.
I'm sorry but that shows an enormous amount of selfishness to me, losing a family member is the most painful thing there is and having someone breaking up for clearly not a huge reason as far as I know, is awful.
Breaking up is not a decision someone makes overnight so clearly he has thought of it before and he decided to do it after you lose your brother, ...you call that a good person?!

With all that is happening I don't think you can be sorting it all in your head on your own, you need to seek some therapy, a grieving therapist, to process it all because what is happening here is in your head this boyfriend is associated with the loss of your brother in some way.

I really feel for you because I felt the same at the time, I felt so lost, I loved my bf so much and he broke up with me 2 weeks after my brother past telling me that he needed to work on himself . I do understand that but that didn't reflect the perfect bf I thought I had, thoughtful, caring and best friend; at the end of the day your best friend should be there for you.
Ironically, my ex stepped in big time to be their as support. who would of knew!

You cant see that right now but give it time and move on, see him for what he is, he is abandoning you in your most vulnerable time, is that really the man you would want in your life? you have to be around family and your child and concentrate on grieving and get yourself better. if you lost your friends out of touch or anything than make new friends by taking on hobbies and join a club and get yourself busy. Start new and move on from him, chasing him wont do anything but only run away from you to be honest. If it is meant to be you will find each other again in the future but for now you need to get yourself in a better place in your head.

You never know, you might surprise yourself to realize he wasn't who you thought he was and you will be what is the most important, happy on your own first.
I am a true believer that you have to be happy on your own to find happiness with someone, you don't need him to be happy and clearly he has shown you your well being is not important right now to him.


Take care

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

'I have a child from previous relationship which caused a few problems,he had issues with me having sexual relations with other people.But he seemed to over come them.'

???

I know this is about your previous bf (father of your child) but am I reading this right? Did you have sexual relations with other people while you were with him, and if so, did your most recent ex, know this?

God no i didnt.I meant years before i met him.I never cheated on anyone in my life.
I havent even dated anyone or been with anyone in the 5 years before i met him at all.I had stopped all dating until i met him and fell deeply in love with him

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

But he can get professional help IF he want the relationship to work.

I know and i feel like how can he turn around and walk.Can men do that walk on someone they say they love with all their hearts,with out going to counceling together and try sort it out.

Supercell

OP, I am very sorry to read your post, unfortunately when people break up for apparently no reason..there is a bigger reason.

I broke up once with a girl that I knew was in love with me. I was nice to her and we had good times. But for me the spark never turned into a fire.
I made up a fictitious story for breaking up with her...I think it wasn't as cruel as telling her that I just didn't have feelings for her any more.

I guess there is no easy way to tell someone that you really care about and like that you no longer want to be romantically involved with. Its sucks for both sides. I felt really bad for a long time, but i knew it was right for both of us. I think we would have ended up arguing a lot and hating eachother long term, or she would have lost her personality and become half the woman she is. I didn't want that.

OP I think you need to cry a lot then start to get on with your life. If you had a bf for so long you must be a nice person and gf material again. Believe in yourself, and learn from your past experiences, your next bf won't be like this i am sure.

LegacyUser

Dontbeesad wrote: »

I am really sorry to hear about your lost.

I went through a similar situation, except that I don't have a child and we were not together 2 years but the rest is the same.

I agree with few posters above what is is the most important part that you have to realize now is that, this man that you say you love so much and were meant to be etc. decided to break up with you at the worst of time, after losing your brother.
I'm sorry but that shows an enormous amount of selfishness to me, losing a family member is the most painful thing there is and having someone breaking up for clearly not a huge reason as far as I know, is awful.
Breaking up is not a decision someone makes overnight so clearly he has thought of it before and he decided to do it after you lose your brother, ...you call that a good person?!

With all that is happening I don't think you can be sorting it all in your head on your own, you need to seek some therapy, a grieving therapist, to process it all because what is happening here is in your head this boyfriend is associated with the loss of your brother in some way.

I really feel for you because I felt the same at the time, I felt so lost, I loved my bf so much and he broke up with me 2 weeks after my brother past telling me that he needed to work on himself . I do understand that but that didn't reflect the perfect bf I thought I had, thoughtful, caring and best friend; at the end of the day your best friend should be there for you.
Ironically, my ex stepped in big time to be their as support. who would of knew!

You cant see that right now but give it time and move on, see him for what he is, he is abandoning you in your most vulnerable time, is that really the man you would want in your life? you have to be around family and your child and concentrate on grieving and get yourself better. if you lost your friends out of touch or anything than make new friends by taking on hobbies and join a club and get yourself busy. Start new and move on from him, chasing him wont do anything but only run away from you to be honest. If it is meant to be you will find each other again in the future but for now you need to get yourself in a better place in your head.

You never know, you might surprise yourself to realize he wasn't who you thought he was and you will be what is the most important, happy on your own first.
I am a true believer that you have to be happy on your own to find happiness with someone, you don't need him to be happy and clearly he has shown you your well being is not important right now to him.


Take care

Thanks so much for your reply i am so sorry for your loss and heart ache
I never saw him as perfect just perfect to me.
I miss him already we have never not spoken for this long my heart is broken.He wouldn't be able to even go angry for a few mins without coming and making up if we did fight
I am seriously in shock,other people i wouldn't be about letting me down,but for him i am completely in shock.Thing is he also lost family members very close to my loss
I wont chase him that's not good for me to do,means he comes back under pressure.If he wants me he has to come to me.But this scares me he wont
Then again i am afraid if i dont contact him it shows i gave up and letting go:(
How you change everything again throwing all the dreams you had with that special person away and having to rebuild all over again,heart mind and spirit.Picked wedding dress and all.
How can people just do that switch off all of a sudden and gone


Thanks so much all of you and to Taltos i know you help alot on here you are very good person and people.

Taltos

Thanks OP.

If you can try to spoil yourself a little this weekend - I know it is the last thing you want to do. I can imagine you just want to curl into a ball and close your eyes - and maybe you can do that too. But get out with your child and spoil them rotten.

Hopefully their laughter will open your eyes to all you have going for you. It could be something as simple as a movie or a trip to the zoo or even face painting.

Let that joy wash over you and try not to dwell on this guy. Clearly he could not see what he had - but you know what - it is his loss not yours.
Just like his excuse of not being able to cope with you having a life - is all his problem - the fact that you have a lovely child from that life - I mean what does he really mean here - I am not sure he has thought through this excuse.

If you feel you must contact him - then maybe try in a few days. But I suggest you hold off on that. He knows how you feel - he really does. By contacting him you may though just hurt yourself more. Give him some time - if you are meant to be together he will get back in touch - but if not - then accept his decision and try to live your life so that you and your child are happy.

Remember - his loss - not yours....

eviltwin

Hi OP. I'm not being harsh and I hope you don't take it that way but I think you are better off without him.

If you have a child he knew without a doubt you had been sexually active in the past and yet you say he never liked it? Mmmm I'm sorry but that raised a red flag to me. Unless you got together when you were 16 its not unreasonable to expect someone to have had previous sexual partners and most of us deal with that okay.

Then there is the issue of your friends who you now no longer see. Again another red flag. What kind of partner would want to isolate you from the people you are closest to?

As for contacting him again I don't think I would or at least not yet. He ended it with you remember? He should be the one to make contact if he wants to try again. If he is playing some kind of mind game where you have to follow certain rules and get in touch to open the communication channels again then is that the kind of person you want to be with?

More importantly is this the kind of person you want around your child??

You can't make someone love you, you can call him all you want but if he isn't feeling it its not going to happen. I do feel for your pain, the pain of this kind of loss out of the blue is the worst especially when you have been planning a long term future. I hope you have good people around you to help you through it.

LighterGuy

I'm probably going to get lashed out for this from other boards members .... but ....



you aint telling the full story. There is definitely more to this situation than what you are saying. I am getting big vibes from reading this thread (hey, its my opinion so it doesnt mean s*it)

Without being to forward (aka, being a D*ck*) I feel some answers on here have been "pc" answers from other users.