Brat Husband

akosmikgirl · 22-06-2010 10:22pm #1

Dear all

I'm new to the boards so here goes. I've been married over 3 years and I hate to say it but I think the marriage is a disaster. I'm a ball of frustration and resentment for the past few months/year and I simply don't know what to do about it. I'm very resourceful and have tried everything to open up lines of communication and at this stage I'm all out of options.

I married Mr. Nice guy, everyone thinks he is great, funny, nice etc. etc. He 'is' nice, I wouldn't have married him otherwise but there is one big problem. I married a brat! He is simply out of control on all levels and will not concede that he is even at fault. Naturally its all my fault he is the way he is.

I dragged him to counselling after about a year saying that we had totally lost communication and needed to reconnect. He tells me nothing and when he does its mostly edited stuff, and about most stupid things. The crux of it is this. Although he is married, he acts like a bachelor in the marriage. I don't know if he has ever cheated and I have no evidence to of that nature, it doesn't seem his style (who knows) but in every other aspect he remains a bachelor. His time, his money, his information, anything. He won't share on any level and thinks that I'm completely unreasonable when I'm upset and frustrated. He has pulled some really desperate stunts in the last few years particulary regarding money and he refuses to own his behavior in the situaiton. He develops total amnesia if the facts are presented and constantly seems to repeat his behavior. He is a classic house devil and street angel. In counselling he was more concerned that the counsellor thought he was a 'nice' guy married to 'crazy' lady. I specifically asked for a man counsellor as he would only say the women ganged up on him.

He lies about the most stupid stuff and then blames me afterward for being unapproachable. He 'never' approaches me about anything so how would he know I'm unapproachable. He only sees the 'fall out' of his stupid behavior. He says he cares but his actions are totally selfish. There is a list of things that are totally weird and non marriage behavior. Not sharing money, not sharing time, not sharing information. He never askes me if I want to do something with him, he goes out 2 nites a week and asks me if I want to go, if I don't he will go anyway. He hates the pictures (a fact I didn't know until after we were married), he dosen't like eating out as he needs bathroom afterward, he doesnt like sunshine so he hates foreign holidays, he doesn't do the dinner party thing, God the list just goes on. I'm bored out of my tree. I'm not much of a drinker any more, and honestly, if it dosen't revolve around the pub he isn't interested. I don't think he is alcoholic but he uses it for everything at the expense of everything else. He uses it to relax (never drinks at home), unwind, socialise, whatever. I've had this out with him countless times, I don't mind him going to pub after hard week for few pints, but not at the expense of everything else all the time. He still goes to the pub. I discussed this in counselling and he took major offense and said I tried to make him look bad!

The list goes on. Anyway, I've been in denial for a good while that things were so bad. The situation is bizzare in the extreme. We don't fight all that much as he is 'nice' but he is pathologically selfish. If he doesn't get his way he is bloody minded and I'm always the problem. We had war today becuase I found out that he was constantly dipping into our savings to pay for stuff (my birthday presents, his car etc) and that money was for us. I wouldn't 'dream' of taking money from it without consultation. There is a long story about money anyway, after we were married he dumped 16k worth of debt which he hid from me for 12 months. I had to remortgage 'my' house and pay off the debt and he was to put the money he would have been paying on interest back into my mortgage account. I thought this was a bit hard on him so I divided his pay back to mortgage and savings account for 'us' so we would have few quid. He just ransacked it when he pleased. Rather than save for things like my birthday, he just went to savings account and spent the money!

I flipped when I found out. He's been avoiding the statement for months and hid it from me. then he screamed at me today that the money was 'his' and I was 'overreacting' to the situation. I left the house in a state of shock. Its an awful shock to realise that your husband, the person who is supposed to have your back all the time, doesn't give a crap! He only cares if its going his way, but if it means one second or cent of sacrifice then all bets are off. I've been in a state of horror since. I can't even look at him and I'm now terrified that I'm done. I don't know where to go from here. What to say, what to do. 'He' is ignoring me! Work that one out and is going around like the wounded party. HOneestly, if it wasn't for all the pets I'd pack my bags and just walk out. I think I've been in denial for a long time about his behaviour because it was too painful to face up to.

Everyone of course thinks that I'm the problem becuase he is Mr. Nice guy. I also have a broken marriage behind me (very young and silly, lasted few months) and naturally I must be the psycho if I seperate again. I'm beginning to think that maybe it is me! I do my best not to nag, be nice, no carping, try to communciate, but its all so exhausting only for him to end up doing this to me again. Am I totally off my head? Am I over reacting here??? There is a litany of crappy stuff that he does, and I know I'm far from perfect, but my shortcomings would be more about being moody or working too hard etc. I would 'never' lie about stupid stuff or lie to his face and then produce evidence to the contrary and then blame him! Its like being in the twilight zone.

Where does one go to from here. Another broken marriage? God help me.

All advice, comments, valium welcome

Akosmikgirl

dedrizzle · 22-06-2010 11:06pm

hello.. ok, well.. its a tricky one.. You said you were married before and you were very young etc.. So, now your older and wiser.. And marriage is meant to be for better or for worse, right? Till death... And that's not saying that its ok if it's the "worse" bit all the time..

You sound like your ready to give up, but noone ever said it would be easy.. He sounds a bit immature but its sounds like his laid back way is just a part of his personality..

And I'm not saying you are, but it seems like he probably thinks that you are abit of a nag.. And you're just frustrated because he doesn't seem to understand you.. I don't think that there is an easy solution to this.. It sounds like the options are;
- You leave him and you'll have to go through the awful break-up thing (I mean, I'm assuming that you'd miss him) plus as you say, that would be the 2nd marriage gone OR
- You stay and you both try and make the marriage work..

Personally, I think you should go with option 2, but I think that you both would have to make a serious effort, like maybe he needs to cop on abit and you maybe relax a little bit..Also, maybe when you feel yourself getting annoyed, take afew deep breaths before you start giving out to him and think about it rationally.. Sometimes we give out about such stupid & little things and they seem huge at the time and little things can just escalate into huge fights.. I'd say pick your battles, like fair enough if its something like delving into both your savings with out asking..

The other thing is, you said that he is "nice". So concentrate on that, like you have a nice man.. They are hard to find.. Just saying.. And I'm not saying that everything he does is right and that your in the wrong at all.. I just think that maybe work on it before you decide to throw in the towel.. And try to remember his good points, not just the bad ones..
I hope ye work it out

aidan24326 · 23-06-2010 12:05am

akosmikgirl wrote: »

Everyone of course thinks that I'm the problem becuase he is Mr. Nice guy

Is he though? You say he's 'nice' but your post doesn't exactly paint a great picture. You seem to be starting to resent him now, and that's the beginning of the end unless you can work together at making major changes. Do you actually want to though? And does he? That's the question you have to ask yourself.

And by the way, what on earth was that about not being able to go out for dinner because he'd need the bathroom after???!!

LegacyUser · 23-06-2010 12:28am

This is a terrible situation! no wonder he's going around as Mr Nice he's living off your money and you paid off his debts! this relationship is one sided!First off what i would do is get your own bank account no more bailing him out! maybe you should have left him with is debt to clear it would give him some responsibility he's walked into a relationship with you not having to work for anything!you provided a roof over his head and paid his debts off!please make sure he pays your money back to you no more "sharing your money" as you realised he can't be trusted with money!the main thing i would be doing is tying my finances nice and tight and making sure he pays your money back and help you with bills etc;I;m sorry to say but from your mail your husband sounds like a selfish sponger!and i would be protecting my cash and assets from him.make sure your house is safe also!look after number 1 girl coz it sounds like he is!xxx

Denimgirl · 23-06-2010 12:36am

sounds like he's treating you like a cash cow!sounds like your way too nice for him and he relies on you to take pressure off of him finiancially yet he won't spend quality time with you!if he won't share his money your gonna have to be "your" money and "my" money, no more shared accounts and "our" money as he just sounds like your making life far to easy for him!your creating a monster!

Bottle_of_Smoke · 23-06-2010 1:12am

He sounds like a nightmare.

F8ck people thinking you're crazy, unless something changes or you leave him then you literally will become crazy

Put any money you've saved into a sole account.

Oh and not to be critical but you need to look at yourself as well. Whilst he's being an unjustifiable bastard, you've quite possibly been the enabler. If you put up with his crap without complaint it might have got into his head that he's behaving normally and actually feels like hes innocent.

rainbowtrout · 23-06-2010 1:20am

OP - I'm not being flippant but I'm having trouble understanding your post. You say your husband is Mr. Nice Guy but in your lengthy post I can't find one single statement suggesting that. All of it is negative. The only thing you say about him that is anyway positive is 'He is nice'. What exactly is nice about him? I don't see anything redeeming in the picture you paint. Also I'm wondering was the relationship like this before you got married or has he changed dramatically since then?

While I'm not suggesting you pack up and leave, I haven't seen any mention of why you want to stay with him. You also say this has been happening for a few years, but you've only been married to him for just over three years so has this been happening since the start?

To sum up your description of him:
he doesn't share anything
he doesn't want to spend time with you
he doesn't communicate or tell you anything
he spends your money without thought or consequence
he goes out regularly without you

Also the other thing that struck me was you didn't know he didn't like the cinema, and you listed numerous other things he doesn't like sunshine/dinner parties etc. Were these all things you didn't discover until after the marriage because I would have thought basic likes and dislikes would be something you would find out about early on even in a casual relationship. How well did you know this guy before you married him? More to the point, why did you marry him? I didn't see love mentioned anywhere in your post, on either side of the relationship.

Personally if I was in your situation I would cut loose and run. It doesn't sound like it's worth it.

Elessar · 23-06-2010 10:16am

To be honest, there are two sides to every story and I feel like we are only getting one half of the picture here.

Maybe you could show him this post and get him to post a reply?

lazygal · 23-06-2010 10:30am

There does seem to be something missing. Did you get married very fast? Did you not talk about money before? I'm with my boyfriend a year and likes and dislikes were out in the open after a few dates (food he liked that I didn't, movies, nights out or in etc). Also, we're planning on moving in over the summer. I am not great with money but he plans and saves for EVERYTHING so we've had to have money chats and make out a basic household budget so we don't have the "I paid for all the food and bills and you've given nothing" arguments. We're not married but its so important to have this kind of stuff out in the open.
Do you have kids? I mean, when one parent wants to stay home the other has to support the family, but if both are working there is no way you can pony up for his lifestyle in full, my BFearns more than me so he treats me more, but other than that we split things and if we want to go all out for dinner etc he'll pay more. Couples need to talk about money as its a partnership like any other and money is important.

Oryx · 23-06-2010 1:11pm

If he was to be a 'good' husband instead of this awful one, what would he be doing differently, what would he do that he doesnt now? Im talking specifics, ie, Bring you to the cinema. Not go out drinking at all. Wash up every evening. Show you his bank statements. Divvy up his money. etc etc.

I dont think this guy suddenly turned into a horrible man after you married him. It sounds to me like you went into the marriage either not knowing him, or thinking you could change him. And here you are. The reason I ask you the question above, is for you to see, in a specific form, what you want from marriage so you can begin to figure out if there is any way you can achieve it with this man.

LegacyUser · 23-06-2010 1:17pm

Hey OP,

Have to tell you, you sound scarily like me 4 years ago, I was with a guy 14 years my senior who's idea of a good time was sitting in watching Star Trek, I was going off my rocker and suffering from depression from the total lack of friends/social life. I won't go into the whole thing but I will tell you that walking away from him is the best thing I've ever done and I've never, even for 1 second, regretted it. Don't stay in a loveless marraige because of what people think, you can't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of the doing what other people think you should.

Get some legal advice asap and get out of that "marraige".

I really hope leaving him turns out as well for you as it did for me, I couldn't be happier,
Best of luck sweetie.

Miss Fluff · 23-06-2010 2:34pm

Agree with Lazygal and Oryx. Did you not know the guy before you married him? Were you dating for very long? I mean someone doesn't suddenly just decide they hate foreign holidays and eating out, i.e. you must have known the guy before you married him surely?

iguana · 23-06-2010 5:45pm

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I mean someone doesn't suddenly just decide they hate foreign holidays and eating out, i.e. you must have known the guy before you married him surely?

Actually people can change in that way. Maybe if there is something that they want more than anything else and all of the things that they used to like are getting in the way of that thing that they want more than anything, it can completely and totally change them.

The OP says that she doesn't think he is an alcoholic but she does sound very worried about both his drinking and his reasons for drinking. If this man was different a few years ago and often went out to dinner and to the cinema and then in more recent times stopped doing anything other than go drinking, then I think the possibility of him being an alcoholic needs to be looked at again. I can just imagine a scenario where the OP got sick of constantly going to the pub and suggested a night at the cinema which they used to enjoy and he feels trapped at the thought of not getting his drink and announces he hates the cinema and will never go again.

I could be way off base with this but I've seen this behaviour from a few alcoholics I know. Bit by bit they come to despise anything which keeps them away from their drink, even things they enjoyed before the addiction set in.

Ickle Magoo · 23-06-2010 6:00pm

akosmikgirl wrote: »

I don't mind him going to pub after hard week for few pints, but not at the expense of everything else all the time.

I second looking at alcoholism as a bigger issue ^^^^ this jumped out at me. It sounds like a horrendously unhealthy relationship, would you consider going to Al-anon or some kind of counselling to see if anything comes out of that?

Oh, and

akosmikgirl wrote:

HOneestly, if it wasn't for all the pets I'd pack my bags and just walk out.

Has to be one of the worst excuses I've ever heard for not leaving a destructive and unhealthy relationship. Surely your health and happiness is more important than your pets?

Rev Hellfire · 23-06-2010 6:06pm

I think you should seek legal advise and/or an accountant with an aim of extraditing yourself and your property from him. Clearly he's deceitful and is unlikely to change. Better to cut your losses.

akosmikgirl · 23-06-2010 8:20pm

To everyone that posted
I'm overwhelmed by the response to my post! The comments vary so much its hard to know where to begin. I think what should be kept in mind here is that it is very easy to judge and one post is far from the full picture of what is going on. I see from one posting that I think I have the right to look at his bank statement and checking up on him and where does it end. In fact, there are plenty of wives out there that do 'just that'. I'm not one of them. I'm not his mother nor do I want to be. I'll tell you where it starts actually. Its starts with trust. I never asked him for a bankstatement or nagged him about going to the pub. And this is the result of it. Does a guy have to be nagged to to the right thing? Can he not come to that conclusion all by himself? However, no one can deny that going to the pub to the exclusion of all else is the correct thing to do. He does that. Fact. I also specified that we had a savings account that 'he' ransacked. I do not take money from that source without discussing it with him. He did not offer me the courtesy of discussing it and hid the statement for months. I don't question what he does with the rest of his money which plenty partners would think was a very loose arrangement. He works hard I think he is entitled to do what he wants with his money 'after' he pays the bills. That did not include the savings account, which by the way is paying back the 16k that he lumped me with. However, in the light of this new activity, I think as his wife I have every right to know where his money is going, particularly when I'm picking up the tab.

Elessar - I see that you say there is 2 sides to every story and I think you are right. I had to laugh really when I saw your post stating he should see the post and reply to it! I have shown him the post, in fact I wrote him a letter about 2 months ago listing all the things I felt upset about and what were we going to do about it because I wanted to avoid a screaming match which it ultimately ends up in. He ignored it. He ignored this post as a bunch of women bitching about their wayward husbands.
I do know what I want. Its not much really in the larger scheme of things. I want to be happy, I want a soft place to fall when I need support, I want to be able to hand things over to him when I'm unable to attend to it whether its financial or otherwise and trust that it will be done and done with honestly and integrity without having to check up on him, that I don't have to nag him into every single thing, I want him to contribute and participate and I want him to 'want' to participate. And yes, he did tell me 'after' we were married that he didnt' like the pictures or going for meals. He always went to the pub on a Saturday night but in Ireland thats normal. We did have war about that from time to time as he wouldn't give it up for any money so we compromised. He got his saturday night if he would do other things with me. Then I fell into ill health and couldn't go out for ages or drink alcohol any more as it sickens me with the medication but I still conceded his Saturday night, after all its not his fault I hate being stuck in local pub listening to people being pissed all around me. But he totally excludes me from everything else. He knows I don't drink any more and rather than ensuring that I have some quality time with him away from the pub, he just goes 3 nights a week anyway. Now, these are 'facts' not my opinions. He asks me to go with him, if I say I can't or won't he will go anyway. He never asks if I'd like to do something else. WE've argued about it, I've cried about it and then felt that if I had to ask him to spend time with me there was very little point in forcing the issue. I've asked him why my company is so awful that he can't stay at home or do something with me, and he just says that its not the case, he just has stuff to do and matches to go to and he goes for few pints at weekend. When I hear him say it, I begin to sound unreasonable but then I start thinking again and realise its ridiculous! You 'can' get into a mind set where you begin to think that you are crazy lady. Why do battered wives stay? Why does anyone get into that situation, you just get beat down and used to it. You forget what it used to be like and you made do. I make busy, I get on with my own stuff.

I"m certain there are things about me that drive him around the bend and I am extremely clever, ambitous and driven so Im sure all that gets to him, from time to time. Things come easy to me and i'm a woman to get things done, but I don't do is sneak around behind his back, I don't take money from a 'joint' account without discussing it, I don't manipulate him and his feelings and I don't lie about it, I participate, I encourage and try to open dialogue. I knew things were getting out of hand so i begged him to come to counselling becuase I told him that I'm not getting through to him by the way I communicate. He went along but actually said in one of the meetings that he doesn't see what all the fuss is about! What can you say to that! And then you start to think that as well.

Then I go off about my business (after all life goes on, work goes on) and think, 'yeah, whats the big deal here, I should lighten up', then I back off and say nothing and the situation just goes on and the message to him is that he can do what he likes becuase I won't say anything. So where am I now? These are facts. Its not just about the drink and all the time he dedicates to the pub, he is involved in loads of committees for sport and selector for matches etc. While I think that is a healthy pursuit, I was never consulted about the amount of time at weekends that would be dedicated to this activity only to be followed by a visit to the pub with the team. Then on one or two occassions I wanted to do something else, parents visiting, or going to a concert I asked him not to go, and he said "I have to go, they are expecting me". My retort to that was I'm sure other people involved have family committments from time to time and can't be there 100% of the time. He was appalled. So the message is, I will spend time with you if there is any left over. So I've become busy filling up my own time. Need is the mother of invention. But this latest thing just blew it out of the water. I just coasted along for ages becuase it was peaceful that way and you get sick of the agro, but when I realised that savings were being siphoned off then I nearly flipped. I think, how far is this going to go, really.

Yes, I loved him so I married him. I'm sure there are many people out there that got married and still didn't know their husband. he is good at hiding things. He is personable and good company and easy to get along with and sometimes that over rides good sense. I don't think we can ever really know anyone and you can be a good few years into a marriage and realise that it was a horrible mistake. I knew him 3 years before we got married and yes we did have our issues and problems but one always thinks that you can work on them. after all perfection is not required to get married. His poor behavior has escalated and he obviously feels a certain amount of security by being married as it is difficult for me to just 'break it off'. And yes, leaving my pets would be heartbreaking. I do alot of rescue work and they are rescue animals that depend on me. He doesn't look after them except for a night or two when I'm away. I get so much from them as well and I owe it to them to factor them into the situation. If I'm going then I have to make arrangements for them. They wouldn't stop me from going for heaven sake, but it does stop me from running up the stairs and throwing stuff into a bag and walking out the door. And believe me, its very easy 'to say' something as flip as that. If a situation is unhealthy then yes, one should address it or leave. But this is 'my' family home. And there are legal implications around leaving your home. Thats why its called marriage and why is so complicated to get out of otherwise people would be walking out of marriage hand over fist. Its not meant to be easy to leave for all sorts of reasons. Not least of them emotional reasons, but having been in that situation before, walking out the door can be extremely stupid thing to do from a legal point of view.
You have a duty to self protect and that includes having some resources to start again, you cannot live off principle and pride alone. Besides, I married him for a reason, inside there is the man I was attracted to and believed in. I just can't understand why he has turned into such a selfish pig over the past two years. It 'is' like a bucket of water was thrown over me and aren't we all experts in hindsight. People 'do' change for various reasons, they have different agendas driven by different stimuli in their lives. Obviously something has gone horribly wrong with him but I wanted to try to get into some dialogue about that, and if the upshot of it is 'we're finished' then at least we know. But to let it go on and end like this seems bizzare and unfinished and incomplete. If I'm the problem for him then at least I want to know for God sake. But he keeps saying that he is happy with things! Then I'm back to thinking that I'm over analysing and over reacting and we are off on the merry go round again. Yet he lies about stuff and does bizzare stuff like with the money.

Yes, I have thought that he is alcohol dependent and yes it plays a huge part in his family. They all gravitate around the pub. Its a huge problem in Ireland in general where you are the odd one out if you don't go to the pub. beleive me, since I gave it up I've seen things very differently. I've lost friends, social life, no one wants to waste good drinking time on doing other things. I've even been bought drink even though I said I didnt want it. I'm happy enough not to drink but that makes people gasp. I don't miss it, in fact I certainly don't miss hangovers and I couldn't drink that much anyway. I was crap at it. It just made me sick, and I just did it to be sociable. I still do go to things and to the pub but my weekends don't revolve around the pub and his does. He says he is proud of me for being able to quit so easily, it wasn't easy, it isn't easy becuase the pressure to drink and fit in in Irish culture is massive. I didn't really understand how enormous a part of Irish life it is until you stop doing it, and believe me I didnt do 'that' much of it. In comparison to alot of people around my village I was practically tea totaller. Now I'm just a freak. But I never stopped my husband from going for 'his few pints'. Lately it seems that if I lay across the door he would step over me to go. And I'm just the boring one.

I would almost not be too upset about that but when I suggest going somewhere the sport inventory for the weekend has to be taken to see if he can fit it in. Its ludicrous. I told him that he would have to get his priorities straight and he sais he didn't know what I was talking about. One reply post suggested I must be a controlling carping fishwife. Believe me, I couldn't be further from it. Yes, I get frustrated and freak out but its usually when he pulls a stunt. I don't make any comment about his lifestyle for the most part. I ask him about the gossip in the pub and don't make him feel bad about it. He pretty much does what he likes and I want him to do his own thing, but not to the exclusion of all else. Other husbands in the area are constantly telling him that I'm the dream wife as he is at everything. Now I think I've given him enough rope to hang himself with. Becuase I don't believe a marriage is telling him what to do, like his mother, I think he has taken it to the absolute extreme and does what he likes all the time. And now when I call him on it, he freaks out and tells me to 'lighten up. Resentment builds up and I just find it hard to have him around and so I'm almost 'glad' he goes out and the vicious circle is complete.

I know I've enabled that behaviour by not drawing the line a long time ago, but where do you draw the line. I have friends that check their husbands phone messages for heaven sake, I think that is appalling behaviour, but then I say nothing and do nothing and hope as an adult he will do the appropriate thing and hey presto, a big fat mess. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I'm not saint, i've made mistakes, I've a terrible temper, but I'm straight and trustworthy and I always put the marriage first and I'm so disappointed that he thinks that his behaviour is worthy of him and this marriage. He honestly looked at me today and asked what the big deal was. It almost takes the energy out of the situation beucase I just end up opening and closing my mouth like a fish. All I can say is that 'you don't pay enough attention'. You can see how that sounds. i sound pathetic. Its much more than that and he either doesn't 'get it' or pretends not to get it so that he dosen't have to change.

If I knew that he 'got it' but wasn't going to do anything about it, I think my mind would be fairly made up. However, if there is a chance that he is genuinely confused about it all and dosen't 'get it' then who's the villian? Its like punishing a child for something they either didn't do or don't understand. And I get to feel guilty. I can do without that baggage as well thanks very much. I want to be married, I like being married, I like the idea of growing old with him (if he showed a bit more considersation) but his selfish behaviour is ruining my image of him. I'm resentful and find it harder and harder to come back from it. He thinks I'm a drama queen just picking on him. I dont' want to have to be the relationship police! Thats not what I signed up for. He is immature & arent we all from time to time we want what we want. I had alot when he met me, house business, etc and he had good job but never saved for anything, no house etc. So he moved in. I felt we needed our own house and not just him living in my house so we bought a new house for ourselves. He was very tense around that whole process and I don't know now whether it was unchartered territory and he was overwhelmed (and it can be first time, I had bought and sold houses so it was par for the course for me) and I put it down to that. But now Im wondering was it about the money? Is he tight? Does he have big issues around money. I could ask him for money in the morning and he would give it to me, but I would have to ask, it wont be offered. Sometimes you get into a situation and the decline is so minute and insideous that you can't see how you ended up there.

I know some out there can't see how that can happen. Give it a few decades and come back to me. One think I know is that when you 'think' you know how you would be in a situation, thats the one you'll end up in and you will never see it coming and you will never know how you will react. If I heard this story from a friend 5 years ago I would have slapped her around the head and tell her to pack her bag. Here I am! Marriage is not simple. Emotions and feelings are complicated. I have history and have invested in this situaton and it takes time to work it out and time to get out if thats the answer. I don't know what has happened to him, to us. I love the man in my imagination that I thought I married but at the moment its like invasion of the body snatchers. He may well have an addiction to alcohol, but the pub isn't the only excuse he comes up with. He is a spoiled brat, and will do what he wants when he wants before meeting any of my needs or the needs of the marriage. Now, its got to the stage if he said he wanted a weekend away I would flinch. So how do you recover from that.

I want respect, dialogue, fun, comfortable silence, good rows & makeups, independence and coming together after it all. Not perfection, its not required.

We have no children. I refuse to bring a child into this situation. If he can't get his head around having to compromise occasionally for the marriage, then I'm going to be left holding the baby (literally) while he just continues doing his thing. I'm not signing up for that. at least now I can do my own thing and meet my own needs, I'm not going to be stuck at home going around the bend with time to think about how little he contributes. No way. I've been stupid, I'm not that stupid.
Comments, advice welcome.
Akosmikgirl

Stheno · 23-06-2010 9:49pm

akosmikgirl wrote: »

I want respect, dialogue, fun, comfortable silence, good rows & makeups, independence and coming together after it all. Not perfection, its not required.

Have you told him exactly that? I've read most of your post but not all of it, but a lot of your post strikes me that you "expect" that he knows how to behave as you "expect" him to behave, even things like financial matters, you both seem to have a different perspective on that, nights out etc, it's not his fault that you used go on nights out and now don't as you are intolerant to alcohol, and he still takes those nights out.

I think the two of you either need to go to counselling and really make an effort, or else just split up tbh, you sound like you are poles apart in terms of your attitude to life, and unable to communicate in any sort of objective fashion.

If you do that and make no progress then I'd look to move on.

rainbowtrout · 23-06-2010 10:01pm

OP - It seems to boil down to the fact that you have challenged his behaviour which you have detailed above. He is not willing to change this behaviour. So it would appear to be a stalemate. Things aren't going to change. He will not change his lifestyle and his lifestyle will not live up to that which you expect from your marriage.

So really the question is what are you going to do next because you could be back here again in a year's time posting the same story where nothing has changed.

Say you sit him down and tell him all the stuff you posted above, how you're not happy with all the nights in the pub, all the time spent on sport, how you always come last, and at that only if there is time to spare and he says 'grand, i'll change' and in six months time everything is still the same, what are you going to do?

akosmikgirl · 23-06-2010 10:30pm

Dear Nouggatti,

I read your post, the answer to the question is 'yes' I have told him my expectation. over and over. He is not stupid. By anyones standards, taking money from a savings account with out discussion and hiding the statement from your partner isn't up for debate in my book. Particularly when that money is money he is paying back for landing massive debt to the marriage 'after' we were married. He wasn't always like this. There was always some tension around his lifestyle and 'no' just becuase Im intolerant to alcholol does not mean he has to sit at home holding my hand. You def don't know me if you think that! I thought I made that pretty clear. He has his nights out without any agro from me and I join him as well even though I don't drink. The issue is that he does this to the exclusion of all else. It was never this bad and its just escalated since I became poorly but did I expect him to sit in, no I did not. Nor did he offer, btw. I am extremely independent and encourage him to do his own thing, however there are times when it is essential to come together and spend quality time together or you will grow apart. I felt we were growing apart and we went for counselling. There was a time he changed his job which included weekend work becuase he couldn't bear to be without me for a whole weekend! 5 years on he can't managed to spend a single weekend with me. I think thats a pretty drastic contrast and it happened gradually and insideously. He also is likely to go ape**** when pressed about his lifestyle so I just avoid the blow up, its too upsetting and takes me ages to come back from it each time. The situation was clearly laid out on the table in counselling. I agreed to the Saturday nights which I had conceded anyway, so no change there and he said he needed to prioritise more that he was neglecting the situation but he had 'committments'. the counsellor gently pointed out that I was his committment but it was ok to have other things going on provided it didn't affect the relationship negatively, but once he was out the door he couldn't understand what the big deal was.

So we have been through the mill. I'm pretty straight forward, always have been, no one is ever confused around me, so he was under no illusions from the start. When you have a person who is used to getting their own way all the time they never expect to be without. So he dosen't concieve of me not hanging around even if its on his terms.

Rainbow-trout got it right. We are at Stalemate and I don't know how to break it. I may not be up to me to fix it but if I walk away then I want to do so knowing that I gave it every shot, I need to lay my head on my pillow and know that although I got some things wrong, it wasn't for the want of trying that I walked out. I just don't know whats wrong with him that he thinks that this is reasonable behavior. All his buddies are married and he knows that if they acted in this way their wives would have their bags packed sitting on the doorstep. His buddies are always saying it to him that they are 'afraid' of their wives, or 'she'd kill me if I did that'. He tells me this. I'm always perplexed when he tells me this and I wonder why he thinks its ok for him! But I don't get into it or it ends up in war. No while I don't agree with that kind of thing or want a husband who is terrified of me, those wives don't have the problems I have. They have husbands who run around after them and while I always thought they were controlling, maybe they know something that I don't.

I remember one woman saying to me years ago, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. I thought she was mental. Is she??

So there are no grey areas here. He knows why I'm upset, he just thinks I'm making too much of it and I should 'lighten up' or 'relax'. that of course just makes me crazy and then I think i'm crazy lady. I"m not expecting the answer here and it is a forum to try to get insight and clarity. But what is a 'fact' is that I have been clear about what I expect. I was clear before and been even clearer since. He just seems to ignore it and go back to where he was. He might empty the dishwasher a bit more or make the dinner but thats not really what its about. Its about his priorities and his lack of desire to connect with me in any real way. Its a bit like being married to a robot over the past year.

I've been to the counselling but I have to say it was disappointing from alot of levels. I'm looking for something a bit more 'effective'. That sounds like I want someone to beat him over the head and they way I feel right now, that would be nice, however, we got no real practical work to do. There was just a guy sitting there asking how we felt and then there was no plan of action. I'm a results oriented person and I dont' want to keep working the problem I want to 'do something' and move on. I will get stuck in and do it. But it was all a bit wishy washy and jaded. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't think there was any real breakthrough for my husband, it was rudderless and he didn't get the significance of the visit as he felt no better or different as a result. I can't blame him, neither did I. WE got some stuff off our chests but we never moved on from there and the counsellor told us we were fine!

Maybe I am mental.

Akosmikgirl

Denimgirl · 23-06-2010 10:37pm

He just sounds like too much hard work! I know guys like space and to do their own thing but this is ridiculous! he is'nt treating you right and does'nt seem to want to change,he sounds like a stuborn guy that won;t change his way.it's his way or noway!Well the decision is up to you! He knows your not happy and he's ignoring when your trying to tell him your not happy with his behaviour,yet he shrugs it off!he must think all marriages/re;ationships are like this! or deep down he kinows he wears the trousers and you'll put up and shut up coz you don't want to be alone, being alone and happy is better than being attached and miserable!ask him to go to relate if he laughs it off or won'tat least listen to you, he has no respect for you and your feelings and thats what real love is about.Good Luck!

sara-lou · 23-06-2010 11:17pm

I agree with Denimgirl. He sounds like he is very selfish. If one of your friends was in this situation what would you say to them? You sound very unhappy and i don't think you are asking too much from him you seem to be looking for a compromise.

All you can do is try and ask him to go to counselling again, so ye can work out your issues. If he won't then you have to sort out your own head and plan your next move solo!

Stheno · 23-06-2010 11:21pm

If you are in that much of a stalemate then either agree with him that you go to counselling or else just tell him you are leaving or that the marriage is over if he lives in your house as you've said before and arrange mediation/seperation proceedings.

If he won't hang around unless it's on his terms then that should sort things fairly sharpish.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but your posts to me are endless venting about your relationship after years of you taking no real action, and enabling lots of his behaviour, time to sit up and smell the coffee imo.

lynsalot · 24-06-2010 12:10am

Hi OP,

Would u believe i was in exactly the same situation as you last year? Like that I'd married a guy who swept me off my feet and to others seemed like a dream. When we split people questioned had i cheated on him coz they couldn't believe it.

Behind doors all kinds of things were going on. People never know what goes on behind closed doors. Now i'm no expert and ur situation is entirely different so i'm not going to tell you what to do but what I will say is you're realising slowly that you're not happy and u have to face it.

Ignore the BS about previous relationships/marriages etc. It honestly sounds to me like you've done everything you can to save the marriage. So you need to take control and sit back now and ask yourself, where do i want to be in 5 years... still the same situation? You cannot change a person so really think about how you want to be treated and what you deserve because I can tell you right now you deserve much better.

A friend once told me, your marriage probably wasn't a real marriage and at first it stung like hell and then i realised she was right. You deserve someone willing to share their life with you and treat you with respect.

Stu · 24-06-2010 12:30am

OP, you sound like a great girl but your husband sounds like, well, a mammys boy. He's just substituted his real mother for you. He wants all the enjoyment of living a carefree single life but wants a mother figure instead of a wife/husband relationship.

He knows full well that hes landed on his feet with you. You look after him and the finances and give him plenty of free space to do his own thing but get very little back in return.

You try to be very mature when discussing these issues with your husband by being understanding, listening to his point of view, wanting to compromise etc but he prefers you in mammy mode, taking care of the day to day stuff while letting him live like a 17 year old schoolkid.

For me there is only one solution to this. You need to tell him you want some time apart to think about your relationship and where its going. You need to move out for a few weeks or he needs to find alternative accomodation for a few weeks and don't contact him during this time and don't take any calls from him or meet up with him.

During this time you should pamper yourself, go away for a few days or a week, do a bit of shopping, whatever helps you to unwind. During this time your husband will see what life is like when are not around and he doesn't have you around to enable his behaviour. He will either take a long hard look at himself and his selfish attitude and realise what he has and risks losing or "and this is the painful part", he may realise that his behaviour is a symptom of a bigger underlying problem, i.e - he is no longer in love with you and isn't prepared to work at the relationship on any meaningful level anymore.

Are you afraid that you may have to accept the second part of the last paragraph? If he does genuinly love and respect you, you taking some time out will be a massive jolt and he will wake up and come to his senses and realise that hes messed up big time and will be pleading with you to allow him to make amends.

But seriously, you have to get away from him for a few weeks and cut all contact. Explain to him calmly that you need some time to get your head together, or better still write him a letter explaining everything in detail before you take time out. He will either **** himself and start taking you seriously or say and do nothing thinking you'll come back with your tale between your legs. Be strong and follow through on this and you'll know in a few weeks without a shadow of a doubt if you have a future together.

At the end of the day, your emotional and mental well being is very important to living a happy and content life and its obvious that you are in a bad place regarding all the selfish carry on from your spoilt husband. You really can't go on living like this. You deserve so much more than hes willing to give at the moment.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2010 3:41pm

It sounds to me from your second last post that you're swinging between two extremes-one minute you're saying that you gave him the freedom to do what he wants, the next you say that you laid everything down to him in black and white.
You also talk about him being an adult, he should know all this and you don't want to be nagging him. It's not nagging when you are letting him know your expectations. It's your life, and you have to be certain that he knows exactly what you expect from him in the relationship. He made damn sure his expectations were met, seemingly without any compromise whatsoever.

Agree with the poster who said that you should leave for a few weeks to sort out your next step. Find yourself again. If he doesn't know what your expectations are after that, leave him. It's soul destroying to be with someone who is so selfish. My sister is with someone like your husband. She has three children. She'll never leave him because she doesn't want the children to be upset. I'd say they'd barely notice if he was gone he spends that little time with them!

Taltos · 24-06-2010 7:46pm

I'd just like to know when you are going to close all the shared accounts and create your own - singe access one, once done I assume you will send him home to his mammy.

I mean - you are right - you are at a statemate and he is banking on the fact that you have no options. WRONG you do - kick his selfish ass out.

akosmikgirl · 24-06-2010 7:52pm

Hi Stu, Nouggatti, Demi Girl et al,

Thank you for your insights. Nouggatti, I think you are being harsh. I think people post to get some perspective on things, not just for suggested solutions. When you are in a situation like this (and I hope you never are) then you need to vent and see what comes back in order to give some perspective back. When you are slap bang in the middle of it, it is really hard to see the wood from the trees. You veer between blaming yourself for enabling him, blaming yourself in general, wondering if its you that made him that way, if you're too harsh, too soft etc. People change! I'm living proof of that. As for taking action over the years, I'm probably one of the most pragmatic people I know. I'm a 'doer' not a talker. I've done numerous things over the last 3 years to try to build bridges and bring us together. Just becuase I dont' list them in the post dosent mean I sat on my arse watching the whole thing turn into a car crash. I'm venting my frustration at what I have done and I don't know what else to do. Maybe there are things I should be doing that I just haven't thought of! I'm happy to hear other perspectives on this, and I don't want to sound like the Martyr but thats what I'm terrified of turning into. A big Martyr. And when you are slap bang in the middle of it, there is very thin line between being the hero in the relationship and the Martyr. Thats what I'm trying to get persepective on. When 'is' enough, enough?

I always felt I gave up too soon before but having said that I never regretted leaving. So I'm not afraid to get out if it comes to that. In fact, I can safely say that is what has kept me going up until now, I know I've done it before and the world didn't end, and everyone survived to live another day. I don't mind being disrupted as I've moved often and can reestablish myself quite quickly. I'm very resourceful and perhaps that is why I'm feeling as I do. I find it hard to be defeated and this situation seems to be defeating me.

Stu -I applaud your insight. I think that is exactly what I would tell a friend. In fact, I had a friend who was in a similar situation years ago and I advised her that. The human condition always amazes me. We think we are in control and we would never end up 'in that situation' then slap bang here you are. I had another friend who 'hated' men and women who went out with married people. Was always going on about how awful it was to get involved and they were marriage wreckers etc. Then a few years later guess who was involved with a married man! Yes, the same woman who would have burned anyone else at the stake if they went out with a married man. She just couldn't believe she was in that situation but, there she was and she simply didn't know how she ended up there. Yes, she made decisions, and poor decisions but she simply lost control. And believe me, no matter who you are, how strong and principled you are, you just never ever know what you will do until you are tested, and slap bang in the middle of it. You get so close to the situation that you just cannot see.

I wrote him a letter outlining all that I had issues with. I know he has issues with me, but I would almost collapse with relief if he told me, thats how desperate I am to reconnect with him. I would welcome any opening up even if its negative! I'm not perfect. Far from it. I'm bossy and can be controlling if I feel very strongly about something, the house is often full of furry creatures in various stages of rehabilitation, and there are often tears when I have to let them go, I am very driven, and tenacious by nature. I simply get things done. That can be intimidating at times, as I succeed in most of the things I do. I can take risks, calculated ones, but risks all the same. Some people are very uncomfortable with that. I can see that he is laid back about life and that 'usually' compliments someone like me who needs to stop and smell the roses from time to time. But I'm so busy that I welcome his independence. And that is what attracted me to him, he wasn't needy (or so I thought) and he had his own life and friends and we didn't have to be joined at the hip 24x7. But I also enjoy his company and always seek him out to do stuff with him and he is totally unavailable!

I wrote it all down, listing all that I felt upset about. I told him that I simply could not continue like this, as I would prefer to be alone and without guilt and worry and upset than to continue wondering what was going on and having a blow up every 6 months that only made things worse. I told him that if he was waiting for me to thaw and just go back to the way things were then it was the second mistake he'd make that week. I was simply out of options and I didn't have any more ideas. I said that ball had to be in his court now and if he wanted the marriage to continue then he could come up with a gameplan, but it was going to have to be a very comprehensive recovery plan, probably with some professional assistance to mediate and 'sorry' wasn't just wasn't going to do it this time. My sister is on holiday and her house is free so I'm going to stay there for a couple of weeks. He thinks I'm doing this to teach him a lesson. Perhaps, but its also to give me some cooling off time becuase I'm really angry with him. I'm in the middle of setting up a busines as well and its quite stressful (but stimulating) and I feel really resentful that he has landed this ton of crap on my head when he should be at his most supportive. I think he is a Mommy's boy. In fact, I think its worse, he was the youngest of a large family of boys and he literally ran wild. No one said a word to him and he simply doesn't see the need to compromise. Its a lifetime of bad habit. There was always a stubborn selfish streak in him, but who isn't stubborn and selfish at times. AS I said before, perfection is not required, only the desire to do your best. We all screw up but its the learning from that is so important. I just can't believe how much it has deteriorated in the last 2 years, its like I've become invisable and any challenge becomes a real mess. I have enabled becuase it was easy and peaceful and I just found the poisioness rows so draining. I avoided the rows and it suited him. I think I gave up really.

A few weeks cooling off will do me the world of good. And give him time to reflect on his actions. If nothing it will give him time to miss me, or not! There is one thing that I've noticed recently and when I enquired about it, he was very uncomfortable about it. I saw him tapping things and counting! I notice when he turns on the show he clicks it on and off a number of times, the same amount each time. I've seen him move things around and re arrange them. He doesn't like to go away much as it seems to upset his routine. I've done a bit of research on this type of thing and it seems he is showing symptoms of OCD (Obsessive compulsive disorder). This is an anxiety disorder that manifests itself in routine repeditive action. this is why I worry, he is so good at hiding things and not discussing things, he could be in real trouble and I wouldn't even know it. Now I know its not up to me to fix him, but if there are things going on in the background that are driving other behaviours then at least it would give me some understanding into why there has been such a deterioration in his behavior, and why he is so mentally checked out! Anyone out there that knows anything about OCD and how it affects people and relationships?

Thanks to all for the posts, it does help.
Akosmikgirl

akosmikgirl · 24-06-2010 8:13pm

Taltos

You are funny. Account is closed and there is no more money for him to be mucking about with. Its his own fault! I'm in the process of getting him to go home to Mammy but I don't think mammy will be too pleased with him. She doesn't want him back home! She is happy living her own life and who can blame her. Besides, what people think matters alot to him. He would be mortified if he had to go home.

I think he knows the writing is on the wall. Hes never seen me like this. Normally I can't be cruel and I start to soften after a while and he just waits it out. But I'm just getting on with my day, thank God for work, and I've so much going on that I don't have time to be feeling sorry for myself. He is surprised by my reaction this time which is, 'IM DONE WITH THIS BS'. He attempted to say that he didn't know what to do to make it right. I retorted neither did I, but it wasn't my problem any more. I had done all I was going to do and if he was waiting for me to thaw and just continue on his way, then he was mistaken. He looks a bit shell shocked and was fussing around making me tea. Its going to take alot more than tea!

thanks for posting
Akosmikgirl.

JackieO · 24-06-2010 8:37pm

OP - I really feel for you. Its clear that you have given this matter plenty of thought. You know that his behaviour is not acceptable. Now whether you want to hang around to try and figure out what has caused this behaviour or not is completely your choice.

Personally, I would throw him out on his ear and move on with my life. Easier said than done I know, but you really are not getting anything out of your marriage any more.

I do think that it sounds like he might have some problems that he is keeping from you and does not want to share. However, his behaviour to date would suggest that he either does not have enough respect/love for you any more to want to make an effort to make your marriage work.

Stu · 24-06-2010 9:13pm

OP, even if he has OCD or the thoughts of you moving out for a period make him anxious, you are sabotaging your own efforts to save your relationship by worrying about how he may or may not cope if you take some time out. Like i said, you really need to be strong now and let him stew for a while on his own. When you aren't there when he comes home, he will start to think about your relationship on a deeper level. The penny will start to drop one way or the other when he knows you are serious about this and will walk away if he continues to bury his head in the sand. He doesn't appear to be very self aware and if he has OCD, he should understand the condition at this stage of his life and don't ever let him use it as an excuse to explain his behaviour. It will be an easy way out for him.

What the alternative. You scold him for being a naughty boy every few months. After his telling off he stays in with you one saturday night and sulks then goes back to his own life while you build up more resentment and possibly become ill or depressed in the longterm. What if you have a child with this man. What kind of a father will he make. It might be the making of him but in all likelihood you will end up playing both the mother/father role. If you want children in the future you really can't keep going around in circles for the next few years hoping he changes. Habits of a lifetime are very difficult to break unless the will to change is there. There is no evidence that you and him are close to being on the same page let alone reading the same book in terms of going forward with the same aspirations and goals.

You are very self aware and realise your own shortcomings and realise that relationships will have their ups and downs and require hard work and compromise but your husband is the complete opposite. He is indifferent to your wants and needs and doesn't appear to have the capacity to understand you on anything but a superficial level which doesn't bode well for the future especially considering how long you have been together. He should be able to read you like a book and modify his behaviour if it is affecting you.

I hope you can follow through and stay at your sisters house for a while and cut him off for that few weeks. He'll be ok for a few days. He'll be in denial, spend time with his mates, have a few drinks etc but it will dawn on him in a week or so after you've gone and not answered his calls. At the moment he's not taking you seriously. I get the impression that he really doesn't understand or "care" how badly this is starting affect you which is why you have to act now. Keep us posted on how everything goes. I hope you can get him to see sense, no doubt you'll give it every ounce of effort you have and if it doesn't work at least you can say you tried your best to make it work. Good luck.

StarryMoon0 · 24-06-2010 11:33pm

Wow..
I can see some of my own issues in there..
A lot of responses so far..so I don;t really have much to add..

However, I completely identify with the "crazy" feeling..and you are questioning your own sanity.
"Something" is going on..your instincts are tipping you off but your not listening to yourself. Not critisizing..h*ll, I did that to myself for years.

Check out "co-dependancy" and see what you think. On the CODA website, there are some "checklists". Have a peek, I did, and at first I thought "what a bunch of BS" ... then i had a good hard look at myself.
Its not about fixing him, its about how you cope and deal, and IF you can cope and deal.

iguana · 25-06-2010 12:02pm

akosmikgirl wrote: »

Normally I can't be cruel and I start to soften after a while and he just waits it out.

This stands out to me. Do you really think it is cruel to stand up for yourself? You aren't being cruel you are putting your foot down and saying enough is enough to someone who has been taking advantage of you. Yes it is probably hurting him but that isn't your intention and ultimately any hurt he is feeling now could be a good thing for him as it might teach him to grow up a little. Stop thinking of your actions as cruel because if you think of yourself that way you will start to feel a lot of guilt and he could chip away at that.

washiskin · 25-06-2010 12:11pm

I think you've exhausted all avenues here with no results OP.

I might be wrong but he sounds like a total leech who got a cushy solution to his debt problem and thinks you're a human ATM; yes, he's been paying into the savings too but that doesn't give him the right to drain it at will. I certainly wouldn't touch our savings a/c without OH's consent.

Look, you need to get back to having a normal, hum-drum life with no drama so honestly, I'd cut my losses and give him the boot.

I may sound flippant, but life really is too short.

Beruthiel · 25-06-2010 1:12pm

washiskin wrote: »

I certainly wouldn't touch our savings a/c without OH's consent.

Nor would any of us who actually have enough respect for our partners and expect it back.
When all is said and done, what's he at? Not pulling his weight, no respect for you or your feelings, lying to you, paying no attention to you what so ever, treating you like a door mat.

I honestly don't understand how you've put up with it for this long.

akosmikgirl · 27-06-2010 8:00pm

Hi Iguana

Thanks for the insight. I never really looked at it that way. I'm being cruel to myself by letting this situation continue. Its still all picture and no sound. I had to pop home to get some stuff and he was there. He said that he was really sorry for his behavior and he could understand if I didn't believe him. He contacted me today to see if I wanted to do something. I said 'No' and he was shocked.

I said, "not nice is it, when your spouse dosent want to spend time with you and constantly rejects you". I rang off. He is obviously wondering what the hell is going on. I told him when he apologised that he 'still didn't get it' so I wasn't hanging around. He said he didn't know what to do next and i said well you better put some sort of a rescue plan together and I might think about it if it is a decent approach to the situation. He looked like a stunned mullet. This is a first for him.

He usually rides out the storm and I come round as its exhausting to keep it up. But I really don't feel like interacting with him anyway so its not difficult to stay away. I"m so busy at work I don't have time to be over analysing the situation and he is obviously very uncomfortable with the ongoing stalemate. He actually thought the apology would do the trick! I don't think so buster. We are way past that I'm afraid. Unless he gets professional advice and formulates a comprehensive recovery plan to rebuild truth and faith in the marriage then I'm done. Its as simple as that.

I"m not doing one more thing to fix this situation. Ive been enabling him for years by being the hero in the situation and making peace and fixing up the cracks. NO more. I'm sick of it, its exhausting. He is capable of making the required effort. He did it for a long time when and after we met. So its not like I haven't experienced it with him. Its hard to believe but he did really change after the wedding. I had see a selfish side of him before the event but who of us doesn't have an ugly streak from time to time. But it just escalated over the last 3 years, so much so that I can hardly believe I'm here.

People may find that hard to fathom but it does happen. You start to question your own feelings and judgement. Advice from other people only makes it worse as they say thats part of marriage. But I don't believe that. There is compromise of course, living with anyone is difficult and challenging, but my situation had become ridiculous. And becuase he is 'such a nice guy' I kept thinking that I was being ungrateful becuase there were so many others out there married to such scum bags.

But abuse can manifest itself in many ways. YOu get to a stage where you almost feel grateful becuase he wasn't beating 7 bells out of me every day. Thats a crazy situation to get stuck in. He is 'laid back' and I can be a bit 'high' at times. And then everyone including my family think that 'he' has his work cut out for him. The reality of the situation couldn't be further from the truth but becuase everyone and everything points to me, I start taking on the blame and think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me to have ended up in this situation.

After all I have a broken marriage already. So that just compounds the problem and muddies the water even more. All perspective goes out the window and you become crazy lady.

Let see what comes next, I'm not expecting much to be honest.

Akosmikgirl

Beruthiel · 28-06-2010 12:47pm

Well done for taking the stand.
I hope it works out the way you wish it to.

dan_d · 28-06-2010 12:50pm

OP I'm coming into this late in the game.And man, you can seriously write a post!!

Reading your last post it sounds to me like the man quite simply needs to grow up.He's been running off with the lads every weekend, hiding bank statements, dumping debt on you, and now he doesn't know how to fix this situation. All of a sudden he's in a place where he has to think and function for himself, and more importantly, put in some effort into somebody else? And by the sounds of things, he's terrified!!! Please. Sounds like a 10 year old boy to be quite honest. Is he the youngest, or an only child/boy by any chance?? (not relevant but curious!)

Your posts cycle between beating yourself up for being "hard" on him, and outlining all the reasons why he is (quite obviously) in the wrong. I know you don't want to be the nagging, harassing wife and you're happy to let him do his own thing. That's fine. But OP, I'm in a relationship 7 years and there are simply certain things I expect of my OH. We've been together since college. I've had people tell me I'm a great girlfriend I'm so easy going. That's fine, but there's certain boundaries in our relationship....we always discuss anything to do with the joint house account or savings account - neither touches it without telling the other. He can happily do whatever he wants after work, weekends etc, but there does come times when I say "can you spend some time with me" and he does. He has to pitch in around the house - taking turns cleaning and shopping - we both work long weeks and I just can't do everything. Yet I don't spend my time checking his text messages, or reading his emails.

It sounds simple and stupid but you're not in the wrong. There are certain things you expect of your partner. And he's lucky in that you are aware of your own shortcomings and probably aware when you're being unreasonable. You're not asking too much by expecting him to spend some time with you, or simply behave like an adult. You're not crazy, and forget the fact that you've a broken marriage. The man needs to enter the real world, and in the meantime, you need to get on with your life.