Please help me stop the arguing

LegacyUser

Hi all. i'm really having a difficult time at the moment with my boyfriend and I hope I can get some advice, please. I think we are madly in love and we get on really, really well most of the time but we spend a lot of time arguing. Most of the time it seems to be triggered by nothing at all. I cant figure out what might be causing it.

When we are not arguing, it's like we have the most perfect life together. I know everybody argues sometimes but I think we do it too often. I've tried talking to him about it but that only seems to make it worse and it still happens again. I wonder is there something bothering one of us that isnt obvious . We both have good jobs, we have a nice place to live, our "life between the sheets" is great, etc so there arent really any stresses there. The problem is that it is doing my head in. Its like treading on ice all the time. I never know when we are going to blow up at one another again. All the arguments are about something stupid. I dont think I can remember even one argument that was about anything serious. When we row, he goes in to a "quiet zone" and dosent talk to me for hours after and I'm always the one to try and break the ice.

I'm having serious doubts about the long term. We've been together nearly 3 years and I'm mad about him but I just dont think we can go on like this. I'm crying as I sit here writing this. I even took today off work to try and think this through. He knows I stayed at home although he goes to work earlier than me so I'll have to make some excuse up later. But I've tried talking and I cant seem to get anywhere. Is there a way out of this or should I be thinking of getting out now before it is too late? I'm sure he is as much in love with me as I am with him but I wonder is it possible that even though two people can be madly in love that you just cant make it work because of a personality clash? Is there anything more I can do?

Taltos

HelpNoArguing wrote: »

He knows I stayed at home although he goes to work earlier than me so I'll have to make some excuse up later.

OP - this might be part of it - at least it is shouting out at me.
If you are both in love and are in a committed relationship - why would you need to make up an excuse? Why would you need to LIE?


Why not just be 100% honest with him and tell him that you needed the time alone to think of your future together.
Explain that you love him with all your heart - but that these arguments and quiet periods are just tearing you apart.
Don't lay blame here at all - it is not him - it is not you.

Explain how you have been feeling and ask him if he feels the same way.
Ask him if he want to work with you on making your relationship better.

If you get a positive here and I hope you do - then you have a few options.
1) Couples counselling - there is a huge barrier to open and honest communication happening in your relationship - if there wasn't then you would not be so lost as to what is going on - you each would be in a position to tell the other.
2) You can try it alone - it is harder - but it can work. In order for this to work - you have to both lay your cards on the table, be 100% honest, try not to take any criticism personally and be open to hearing the bad as well as the good. I think now you see why this is more difficult - with a counsellor you have a mediator - without it is just the two of you doing your best not to take umbrage at what is being viewed as cast at you.

I went through something similar. Took route 2 - a few times - luckily it stuck the last time - but I have a hunch that my OH was on the verge of walking for good. For us it came down to lack of communication as well - not being clear with what we were feeling, in my case was under huge stress at work which I hid from her - but that ended up leaking out through my "sulks"...

Best of luck and I hope that whatever you decide you are happy.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mil for your response Taltos. I didnt mean to suggest that I
need to make an excuse to him to take a day off. In fact, it is one of
the great things about our relationship that we can do our own thing.
When I tell him I wasnt in work, he will be really interested to find out if I had
a good day and he might even be somewhat envious that he couldnt take
one today as well. Usually, we have such a good time chatting when we
get in from work and most times we can talk about anything.

I've tried to talk to him about our problems in the way you have
suggested but I tend to get very emotional and I think sometimes this
makes it worse. I've just realised that the time to try talking is not
straight after a row where emotions are running too high. I would be
better waiting for a day or two and then telling him how I feel and
asking him does he feel the same and then taking one of your options. I just dont understand why we can talk about anything at all but solving these rows.

Reesy

HelpNoArguing wrote: »

I've tried to talk to him about our problems in the way you have
suggested but I tend to get very emotional and I think sometimes this
makes it worse. I've just realised that the time to try talking is not
straight after a row where emotions are running too high. I would be
better waiting for a day or two and then telling him how I feel and
asking him does he feel the same and then taking one of your options. I just dont understand why we can talk about anything at all but solving these rows.

Hi OP, I bet getting emotional _does_ make it worse! did you ever try writing down what you want to say (or ask) in a script, and practising, to help you stay on the point? Beware saying the things that'll rise him (you know what they are!). Maybe watch the body language that you use & change it if you can (e.g. keep sitting down). Avoid alcohol in these situations, obviously. Also, try using questions. Ask him what he feels is wrong (or whatever) and don't respond with 'I...', but maybe follow with another question, one that seeks to understand how he sees things. Keep your voice low. Use long pauses. Breathe deeply. Break the pattern. Review recent arguments & try find the trigger point when it started to go wrong. When you think you see a trigger point approaching & an argument looming, break the chain. Say or do something different. D'you think any of this might help? Good luck. Finally, there's counselling. You could try it if the above doesn't get you moving. Either way, well done for tackling it.

sara-lou

Everybody has days where they are not 100% and it is easier to take it out on the peron you love... Is it just small bits and pieces ye argue about or what is it?

Going home every eve and bracing yourself for whatever is not healthy anyway. Maybe ye need to get away either together or apart for even a weekend. it might be easier to assess situations when you step out of them?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the suggestions Reesy. One thing I think is that it is not just me rising him. I'm as bad and I'm willing to take my share of the blame. I've thought a lot about triggers already and I cant find anything obvious. We just both seem to be cranks and we let things get to us. I really like your tactics and will try and use them when we sit down to talk about this. sara-lou - yes it is just small things.

I'm lucky enough that we dont go home every night bracing ourselves for an argument as, most times, everything is just perfect. Maybe spending time apart would be a good idea for us both to look at what's going on and to think of a solution but I think that can only be useful if we do sit down and talk about things first?

Kimia

OP I had the very same thing with my bf - we are both fairly stubborn characters so we hated having to back down during arguments. Oh we had some real memorable fights which looking back I can laugh about but my god at the time I was the same as you, really REALLY emotional and upset and devastated and wondering what was wrong with us etc.

What changed it for me a bit was to make a conscious effort to be nicer to my bf. I read somewhere that it's a simple thing but people forget it when living together becasue of narkiness or frustration etc. Just be nice. Don't shout at him, even though it's very difficult not to when you're at the end of your tether. Try to keep a cool head and even walk out of the room for a minute to calm down.

The most important thing though is to sometimes just suck it up and apologise even if you think you've done nothing wrong. A lot of the time our stupid fights were so subjective that there was never any 'wrong' or 'right' person which was why they were so difficult to resolve - it was more about how one of us felt. So when let's say I apologised for how I spoke to my bf (for example) he'd immediately meet me in the middle and say sorry too. And he started to do it too, we'd have a row and he'd storm off and i'd sit there fuming, and next thing he'd be back in apologising (even sometimes when it was more me than him)!

So my point is, you win some you lose some. If it's an issue that's really really important to you fight for it, but if it's a stupid fight over who loaded the dishwasher try to not let it get to you, or if it does apologise for it. If he's a good guy, he'll follow your lead and your house will be a more peaceful place. Best of luck.

Taltos

OP - I am thinking that my OH must have gotten Reesey to advise her...
Seriously this is the approach she took the last time - the time it worked. Previous times it was all blame blame blame - and usually ended in her crying and me storming off convinced that she didn't love me and was just trying to hurt me.

Writing it down really does help - try to avoid blame at all costs. Just recognize the issue and declare "we will work on it together"

The good news though - is when you do work through this (staying positive) you will come out much stronger.
You will have learnt new skills for communicating with each other and the trust you have will be greater.
Just ensure you do follow a pattern suggested above.

eg
Avoid Blame
Think before responding to anything - no matter how STUPID you think the comment was
Take JOINT responsibility
Recognize your own faults - this is hard
Close the door on past hurts - do not rake up things from 2 years ago - only talk about the here and now.
Agree a way to settle "mis-understandings" going forwards (not fights )

One way to avoid blame is to talk about how it made you feel at the time - avoiding the trap though of feeling that way again.
ie Instead of saying
"how dare you speak to me like a child you git"
try
"when we had that discussion last week I felt hurt and upset"
And
"don't act so selfishly again"
try
"is there anything you can suggest that would help me not feel like that again?"

Use questions a lot - they force the other person to pause and think. The pause is great - use is yourself - and remember to breath.

Finally don't go into this thinking it is all his fault.
& remember - ONLY do this
a) NO alcohol
b) When you are both calm & relaxed
c) NOT after another fight

Suggest you contact him and arrange a time to sit down and talk about how you have been feeling with a view to finding the best way to move forward. I am sure he is feeling as confused and frustrated as you and so will welcome a chance to sort things out - but not if he thinks it will be a blame game...

Taltos

Piece of advice my father gave me.
"Never go to bed angry"

Hard to do and not always successful - but if you let a problem stew we have a great way of making it worse than it was.

fungun

Sometimes true....but if ye are arguing after a few drinks, better to go to bed I think.....often you wake up the next morning thinking 'what a stupid thing to argue over' and just laugh

LegacyUser

I'll have to keep this short. I had the chat with him this afternoon and things did not go too well. I'm afraid we have agreed to go our separate ways. Amicable split in the end but I am devastated. I guess I might have been right that even though two people could be in love, it dosent mean they can make it work.

All the advice was much appreciated. I might try and get back here in a day or two to talk more about it but I'm really upset right now. Thanks again.

Taltos

Really sorry to hear this.

Get some of your friends around - and take some time to yourself to work through this. If you can resist calling him for a few days - and just take the time to figure out what you want.