help

Alexei

hello and thanks in advance for reading

my situation is that im a married, have 3 children and i left my partner nearly 1 year ago. i left because my husband completely lived a separte live from me and the children. he would go to work return from work heading straight for the computer room were he would then spend the rest of the evening. he refused to go out with me on a one to one basis - claiming he didnt like people. he refused to go out on family days out and spent very little time doing anything at all with the children. i felt so frustrated and rejected. i tried countless times to talk to him about how i felt and he would become hostile. After almost 2 years of this situation, i felt i had no choice but to leave. when i announce i was leaving he asked me not to go, he asked me to accecpt him for who he is - that he needs his time to do his hobbies ect and that he was a loner ect.

since i left he has repeatly told me that he loves me and always will and we have been together many times - so techinically we are not separated. but i live alone with our 3 children. he has them at weekends. i am so confused as what to do.

i suppose things turned out ok for him because he got want he wanted, he can spend as much time as he likes doing the things he likes, he spends time with the children( which is progress and i am glad to say that since we split up he does make a huge effort with the children when they are there.)he tells me he has realised many things , that he was a crap husband and father but although he sais these things he doesnt seem to want to change themand instead he taken on more hobbies and now works all hours on a website.

and then there me, we spend stolen moments hugging when the children are not looking and on rare occisions i will go along and spent time with him. i dont doubt that he does love me, but his behaviour is so selfish.

My QUESTIONS is should i just call it quits and move on with my life.

we have been together for 13years ...

any advice or opinion is greatly recieved.

if you need any more information just ask , i tried to keep it short

Taltos

OP - you are right - he is having his cake and eating it.

What in all of this is encouraging him to change?

Suggest you stop the booty calls immediately - either he is with you in a loving relationship or not. Because all of this will put at risk the relationship he will have with the children.
What happens when you two fall out? You two are either together as a family and working on your relationships or you are not.

Also - while you are being messed around with like this - what chance do you have? How can you move on from this - either mentally or emotionally.
You have made the difficult break already - now it is time to make the final break.

All the promises in the world will mean nothing unless you can see he has changed - and for me with what you are describing that involves serious counselling / behaviour therapy / etc.

You know the answer already here - you have the strength to do what is needed - so best of luck - hope it works out one way or the other and you escape this limbo your life has become.

Beruthiel

Alexei, you're in no mans land.
On the one hand you don't have a proper, full relationship with your husband, and on the other, you cannot move on with your life and eventually meet someone more suited to you and live a happy life.

Right now, you're living on crumbs.
Personally speaking, I couldn't do that. It would melt my head and drive me crazy.
You deserve sooooo much more.
Now you're almost there, you've moved out and are coping.
Cut out that personal contact and stolen moments.
Decide in your mind that it's time to move on. It is quite clear at this point that he is not going to make any effort to change.
For your own sanity, make a decision and stick to it.
Best of luck!

Alexei

thanks for the replies, yes i feel like this is a truth, living on crumbs, living in limbo ect. but i do love him, and i also do know that i cant change him.

just when i had come to some kind of clarity - he called me last night and suggests we go out to the movies or a meal or maybe even stay over at a nice hotel i was so confused i just changed the subject and starting talking about the kids ....

i just cant seems to get this ideal that we can make it, i also wanted to add that up until a few years ago, he was very attentive and caring and we spent time together as a family regularly as well as "us" time. so its not like i am asking for something i never had, he changed.

Ickle Magoo

Before you get involved in any over-night hotel stays, make sure you are clear in your head about what you want in the longer term from this and then you have to talk to him about it. Drifting along, going on dates and hotels (sex, presumably?), sounds like he's getting the best of all worlds without having to make any kind of commitment to change or be with you...

Taltos

Sorry for being dense - but what is there to be confused about here?

You know exactly what he is playing at.

Next time he suggests this - ask him if he could instead watch the kids for the weekend as you have "plans..."

But seriously - if you are happy with this type of relationship great - wonder how you will feel in 10 yrs... Personally I would be more inclined to lay down the law - either be in a full relationship with me or feck off and just be there for the kids - otherwise I do not want to see you. Small thing called self-respect and hope of meeting someone to love me as much as I would love them.

longneck

sadly i know all too well how you feel, however it took me 19 years of broken promises and the good husband/bad husband performance to realise nothing was going to change ever!!! it was his way or no way at all.as my kids got older (teens),they began pointing out the obvious to me and to see them hurting by his actions finally made me go.its been tough of course,but we are so much happier.our family unit wants to spend time with each other,no one is participating under sufference.instead of going out by myself and making excuses for his absence, i now go out and enjoy myself freely.
i agree with the poster who says he's having his cake and eating it.you really should think about that!!!
i wish you all the best.

Beruthiel

Alexei wrote: »

but i do love him.

Well, if he still felt the same about you, then some effort would have been made on his part.
It hasn't.
You need to move on for your own sake.