Am I overreacting?

keesa

So I've been on and off with this guy for almost 2 years, never being "official" or anything like that. But in August we started sleeping together. I've moved to France to work for the year, so it was just when I was home which was about every two months. At the start it was very obviously just sex. Then after a few months he started being more relationship-y. Holding my hand, hugging me from behind, talking to me alot online and texting me while I was away, suggesting he came visit me etc.
Last time I was home he was being lovely as usual. Except one night I met friends in a bar and he was there too. We(me and my friends) left and he said he'd be going to the same place later, and that he'd see me then. While my friends and I were in a different bar I heard this girl Anne, liked him too, and was getting him to walk her home etc. I text him to ask him about it, and got no reply. Eventually, when the club closed (he didn't show up) he text me to ask where I was, and met me eventually. I was very drunk. So when he suggested we go back to his I said no, we were meant to meet the next morning anyway. We got a lift with a friend. He went to a friends who had people at his, and I went home. The next morning he text me and he came over to mine.

It turns out that when he was meant to meet me in the club he was with Anne. Then he met me, asked to have sex, I turned him down, and then went to his friend's to meet her cos he knew she was there stayed there with her then was with me the next day. I came back to France a few days later. He had a new GF within maybe 3 weeks (Not anne) and didn't tell me about her. I found out through friends. So there's no question about getting back together. But everytime I see a photo, or his name I feel slightly nauseous, and he tried to talk to me and I felt sick for hours. He was with her and me within maybe 5-6 hours of eachother. One of my friends wants me to make amends. I can barely stand the thought of him. But we have loads of friends in common. I don't want to talk to him, or look at him. Part of me thinks it's a bit childish, but what he did was so repulsive. . .
Am I overreacting? Should I just get over myself and try and be friends to avoid the awkwardness? I'm home again for good in about 2 weeks.

G-Money

I'm not sure I fully understand the whole arrangement that you two had, but with regards the being friends thing, only do that if you genuinely want to. I really don't understand where this idea came from that you have to be friends with an ex/someone who broke your heart. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of in my life.

There's no obligation, implied, or otherwise to being friends with this fella if you don't want to be. Your friend is being a little unfair pressuring you into it, so I'd suggest putting your foot down and saying no. If she doesn't like it, it's not really any of her business anyway.

All the best.

keesa

We had no arrangement as such. We never discussed it, and the majority of people didn't know. I know he was allowed do whatever he wanted; he didn't break any rules. I know that. But even if it was a one night stand, I'd expect a gap of more than a few hours between the girl before me and I.

G-Money

I can see what you mean and I'd be well f*****d off if a girl I finished with, went and snogged or f*****d some other guy so soon after us finishing. But then I'd just say to myself that she obviously isn't worth spending another second thinking about, so I'd just start the process of eliminating her from my life and getting to the point where it's like we never met.

I really don't believe in the whole let's just be friends thing. I really think it's just the highway to hell.

keesa

We hadn't finished, this was all during the same night/day. He more or less(I'm not entirely sure) did her, and then me the next morning. I would, and I planned to have nothing to do with him. But he is friends with loads of my friends.

I'm not sure what to do when I get home.

Kimia

Totally get where you're coming from OP and I would feel the same repulsion. I would also be questioning 'has he that little respect for me, and for women in general' if he can f*ck two women hours apart. I would also be disappointed because any respect I had for him would be completely gone and I would never ever be able to look at him in the same way again.

And before people go on, I know you weren't 'exclusive' or whatever, and i'm sure you had no problem if he was going on dates/sleeping with other people while you were away, but its the basic common decency that is in most people that would make them not do this kind of slutty, disrespectful and inappropriate behaviour.

I would be polite but cool with him when you meet him again. Be pleasant but he will know that there will never be anything between ye again and if he asks, tell him 'It's no problem, we weren't exclusive, you can be with whoever you want. I am just disappointed and thought you were a different person to who you actually turned out to be'. And then just act dismissive and keep the peace within the group so that you don't cause any awkwardness coz it's not worth that.

KasandraRose

keesa wrote: »

We hadn't finished, this was all during the same night/day. He more or less(I'm not entirely sure) did her, and then me the next morning. I would, and I planned to have nothing to do with him. But he is friends with loads of my friends.

I'm not sure what to do when I get home.

I say you just co-exist. Get on with life and stop worrying about it. There's not a lot that you can do now with how things played out with your experiences with him. If you have common friends, play nice when you're all out together. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with him but that doesn't mean that you need to be blatantly rude to him. Have fun with your friends. If anything, it'll make him feel more awkward if he realizes you think nothing of him and ignore him. Definitely don't talk badly about him to your mutual friends! If he tries to talk to you, just say "you had your chance and blew it" or simply "I'm not interested".

Life is too short and there's too much fun to be had to be worrying about this. You'll meet the next Mr. Right and forget all about it. Don't dwell! I'll just drive you mad!

ilovetosing

I didn't see your post that said "We had no arrangement as such. We never discussed it, and the majority of people didn't know. I know he was allowed do whatever he wanted; he didn't break any rules. I know that. But even if it was a one night stand, I'd expect a gap of more than a few hours between the girl before me and I"

So I retract my point.
Fcuk it OP forget about him get on with things!

keesa

KasandraRose wrote: »

If anything, it'll make him feel more awkward if he realizes you think nothing of him and ignore him. Definitely don't talk badly about him to your mutual friends! If he tries to talk to you, just say "you had your chance and blew it" or simply "I'm not interested".

I really don't think me ignoring him is going to bother him all that much to be honest. And if he says "Hi, how are you?" and I reply "you had your chance and you blew it" he'll think, "Thank God. She's clearly crazy!" He's not trying to hit on me. He has a girlfriend. He's trying to make it normal I think. And I don't think he realises that he did anything wrong.

LittleBook

keesa wrote: »

if he says "Hi, how are you?" and I reply "you had your chance and you blew it" he'll think, "Thank God. She's clearly crazy!"

Agreed, but the rest of KasandraRose' post is spot on. Play nice, treat him like any randomer you'd come across, don't involve your friends in this situation, keep your dignity. It should be easy enough since so few people (if any) knew about your arrangement.

keesa wrote: »

I don't think he realises that he did anything wrong.

This is your real problem. You're disgusted by his behaviour and would like him to see that it was wrong. The problem is, as far as he's concerned he did nothing wrong, he just got incredibly lucky!

So don't waste your time there, just get home and start fresh.