how soon?

deniseryan

Have been off the dating scene for a while. It seems like all my friends sleep with guys very soon after meeting them, what is normal.
I know people will say it depends on the person, but could other women tell me how long they wait. I know my question seems niave but i have been in a long term relationship and am very out of practice. Also i am 37 and have had 5 sexual partners, is that too much?

Kiera

No, 5 partners is not a lot at all. Plus its no ones business so dont feel the need to ever tell a future partner how many you've had.

As for sleeping with someone. It really is down to when you feel the time is right. That could be that night or a month or two later. Its entirely up to you to be honest.

Ickle Magoo

You're going to hate this answer but....

It depends entirely on you and the fella in question. There are some guys who will gladly jump in the sack on the first date and then declare you unfit for a relationship just as other guys wouldn't bat an eye-lid. It just comes down to what you gauge the potential is for the relationship and are completely comfortable taking it to that stage that is important.

I don't think five partners at 37 is very many at all - someone who is intent on waiting until they are married before having sex might. You see, it's all very subjective. I think you are better playing it by ear and only doing what you are comfortable doing, when you are comfortable doing it rather than adhering to some secret rule book regarding "norms" - because really, there aren't any.

Best of luck!

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I've only ever been with my current partner but I think if I was single and was to meet another guy I would wait a couple of months or maybe more. That's just me though. With my current OH we were together for over a year before we slept together. (We were virgins.) It's different for everyone. One person might sleep with someone on the second date but in their next relationship/encounter they may wait 3 months.

Most people will just do what feels right and comfortable for them. As for the amount of partners you've had? I would say that it's not an issue. It's only a problem if you think it's too many.

Do what's right for you and don't worry about what other people think.

CR

ManOfMystery

deniseryan wrote: »

It seems like all my friends sleep with guys very soon after meeting them, what is normal.

There is no 'normal'. Do it when you both feel comfortable doing it, that's the only satisfactory answer. If you're feeling rushed or not ready, then listen to your gut instinct and wait until you are.

dublingal80

as everyone said, only you will know when ur ready.

I have only slept with 3 people and im newly single. Im dreading the thoughts of sleeping with someone new, but i know myself that its not going to be a one night stand and i only sleep with people that i properly like and care about.

When you meet someone that you really like and you feel like you want to sleep with them, thats the right time

fungun

dublingal80 wrote: »

When you meet someone that you really like and you feel like you want to sleep with them, thats the right time

+1

deniseryan

fungun wrote: »

+1

i was went the full way with a guy last week and i think i was insecure, suppose i need to work on this. is it right that people dont wait too long anymore

Taltos

deniseryan wrote: »

is it right that people dont wait too long anymore

No - you only hear that from those that cannot wait to jump into bed - nothing wrong with that but that should be an individual choice - and not one forced on people by the perception of the media or what some actor did.

The key for me is to wait until both parties are ready. If one is just pressurizing the other well clear signal there that all is not what it appears to be.

If you are ready after a date - great - but personally I needed to know and trust the person I was going to sleep with - maybe old fashioned - but I was alot happier that way. Too much is throw-away in our lives - I want relationships to mean something more than a quick shag.

Beruthiel

deniseryan wrote: »

I know people will say it depends on the person, but could other women tell me how long they wait. I know my question seems niave but i have been in a long term relationship and am very out of practice.

I was around your age when i came out of a long term relationship. I let my hair down and took each bloke on a case by case basis. ie - I did as my gut dictated.
Just go with the flow and as has been said, sleep with someone only if you really want to.
You are now at the age where silly game playing is no longer required.
Be yourself, be honest and just let the chips fall where they many.

Have fun!

deniseryan

Beruthiel wrote: »

I was around your age when i came out of a long term relationship. I let my hair down and took each bloke on a case by case basis. ie - I did as my gut dictated.
Just go with the flow and as has been said, sleep with someone only if you really want to.
You are now at the age where silly game playing is no longer required.
Be yourself, be honest and just let the chips fall where they many.

Have fun!

ou were 37 too? i thought i would be on my own 37 and out of a long termer. did you find it east to meet people

Beruthiel

deniseryan wrote: »

ou were 37 too? i thought i would be on my own 37 and out of a long termer. did you find it east to meet people

I was 36 to be exact. I went out with my friends and had a ball. Partied every weekend. Found it very easy to meet people but then I wasn't shy and would chat to everyone and anyone.
Eventually I did meet someone.

As I said, go out and have a ball. Don't be shy and chat to everyone like you know them years.

dublingal80

+1

great advice above

Just go and have fun. Im newly single too and anything im invited to, even if i dont know most people, im still going out, just to get out and have fun

Just let your hair down, have fun and smile... you will meet people no problem. dont put so much pressure on yourself either, otherwise it wont happen

deniseryan

dublingal80 wrote: »

+1

great advice above

Just go and have fun. Im newly single too and anything im invited to, even if i dont know most people, im still going out, just to get out and have fun

Just let your hair down, have fun and smile... you will meet people no problem. dont put so much pressure on yourself either, otherwise it wont happen

is it easy to sleep with someone new, i find the idea terrifying

dublingal80

deniseryan wrote: »

is it easy to sleep with someone new, i find the idea terrifying

if you like them, its not going to be too terrifying

When i met my recent ex, i was single for a while... a long while... and i hadnt slept with anyone during that time. We dated for a while, he wanted to sleep with me the first night but i said that it wasnt me to do that and he waited until i was ready. So i knew him, i trusted him, plus a couple of glasses of wine really took the edge off

Beruthiel

deniseryan wrote: »

is it easy to sleep with someone new, i find the idea terrifying

It's not terrifying if you click with them and feel comfortable.

dublingal80

it seems like you are putting way too much pressure on yourself about all of this.

Just get out and enjoy yourself. When you do meet a guy you like, you honestly will know when you are ready to sleep with them. Not by what any of your friends say or anyone on here says, you will know yourself. Try stop thinking about it and just enjoy being single and have fun!

Emme

I would advise you to chill out and enjoy yourself and don't worry so much about men or sleeping with them. However I saw you post about wearing short skirts and it seems that you really want to prove you're still attractive which is natural after being off the scene. Maybe this is a bit unorthodox, but if you're so obsessed with sleeping with a guy maybe it would be as well to get it out of your system and have a SAFE discreet one night stand with somebody who takes your fancy. You don't have to do it again and it won't make you a bad person. If you want to sleep with a guy or have a ONS there are plenty of men out there who will happily oblige. Just don't expect to see or hear from them again. And be SAFE.

If you want to attract a guy who is more into long term relationships don't dress in too revealing a fashion. You'll pull the dickheads no problem when you're wearing a short skirt but the genuine guys might not be as likely to approach. I don't know where you're going out but bars in town are generally full of dickheads. You're less likely to find a decent guy there.

Good luck, and whatever you do, be SAFE.

deniseryan

Emme wrote: »

I would advise you to chill out and enjoy yourself and don't worry so much about men or sleeping with them. However I saw you post about wearing short skirts and it seems that you really want to prove you're still attractive which is natural after being off the scene. Maybe this is a bit unorthodox, but if you're so obsessed with sleeping with a guy maybe it would be as well to get it out of your system and have a SAFE discreet one night stand with somebody who takes your fancy. You don't have to do it again and it won't make you a bad person. If you want to sleep with a guy or have a ONS there are plenty of men out there who will happily oblige. Just don't expect to see or hear from them again. And be SAFE.

If you want to attract a guy who is more into long term relationships don't dress in too revealing a fashion. You'll pull the dickheads no problem when you're wearing a short skirt but the genuine guys might not be as likely to approach. I don't know where you're going out but bars in town are generally full of dickheads. You're less likely to find a decent guy there.

Good luck, and whatever you do, be SAFE.

you are right, i think thats what i need to do

LegacyUser

I'm newly single too and 37, and it's a tough world out there meeting men. I've tried it all from online dating to taking up every offer going for a night out. having all my friend married or in long term relationships makes it even more difficult to actually get to go on nights out to meet people.

my advice would be to do whatever feels right. 5 partners is nothing - and noone will even ask you that question anyway. go with your gut instinct. I met a guy a few wks ago, a doctor, I knew he wouldnt wait around, had met him 6 or 7 times and he would call me most every day and eventually slept with him last week as I felt bad that I wasn't... never heard from him since..... I should have stuck to what I wanted and what felt right. Disgusted with myself now.

best of luck to you

deniseryan

newly single wrote: »

I'm newly single too and 37, and it's a tough world out there meeting men. I've tried it all from online dating to taking up every offer going for a night out. having all my friend married or in long term relationships makes it even more difficult to actually get to go on nights out to meet people.

my advice would be to do whatever feels right. 5 partners is nothing - and noone will even ask you that question anyway. go with your gut instinct. I met a guy a few wks ago, a doctor, I knew he wouldnt wait around, had met him 6 or 7 times and he would call me most every day and eventually slept with him last week as I felt bad that I wasn't... never heard from him since..... I should have stuck to what I wanted and what felt right. Disgusted with myself now.

best of luck to you

was that ununusual for you to do? how did you find it

Emme

newly single wrote: »

I'm newly single too and 37, and it's a tough world out there meeting men. I've tried it all from online dating to taking up every offer going for a night out. having all my friend married or in long term relationships makes it even more difficult to actually get to go on nights out to meet people.

my advice would be to do whatever feels right. 5 partners is nothing - and noone will even ask you that question anyway. go with your gut instinct. I met a guy a few wks ago, a doctor, I knew he wouldnt wait around, had met him 6 or 7 times and he would call me most every day and eventually slept with him last week as I felt bad that I wasn't... never heard from him since..... I should have stuck to what I wanted and what felt right. Disgusted with myself now.

best of luck to you

If they're not willing to wait around they are probably only looking for one thing.

deniseryan

Emme wrote: »

If they're not willing to wait around they are probably only looking for one thing.

i think men are after one thing all the time anyway. thats why i dont want too many partners and am curious about how many others have

Emme

deniseryan wrote: »

i think men are after one thing all the time anyway. thats why i dont want too many partners and am curious about how many others have

If you can get hold of the Sunday Times magazine from yesterday you should read the article on 50 years of the Pill. There's a very insightful piece from a man about how the Pill has made life easier for men and made them more reluctant to commit. Some men in their late 30s/early 40s were saying that they only went for women under 27 because women older than that would want children and commitment. They were either never married or just divorced. They couldn't believe the amount of single women at their disposal compared to their younger days when single men seemed to exceed single women. One of the men said "there are millions of women out there, all desperate". They were saying how the internet has made it possible for them to screen out dates before meeting the women and to play games like dating women in alphabetical order of names - Anna, Brenda, Catherine, Denise, Evelyn, Francesca... ...Zara.

I'm 37 like yourself and a previous poster. I keep myself reasonably well and get chatted up by younger men a lot but I seem to be invisible to men my own age and older. IMHO there are times I think that a 37 year old woman hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting into a proper relationship. There are too many available women out there for men our age and older. They're not all that interested in women like us and don't care how many partners we've had or hadn't because not that many of them are interested in a relationship with women their own age anyway. The most you can expect from a lot of them is a one-night-stand or at most, 6 or 7 dates and once they get sex they move on to the next target.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

panda100

deniseryan wrote: »

i think men are after one thing all the time anyway

No,No No!!
This is not true and its stupid statements like this that make women and men play stupid games with each other.

Maybe there are some men who just want sex, just like there is some women who just want sex.
The majority of people living in Ireland today,regardless of gender, do not have some stupid mission to get laid,but want to meet someone they can laugh and cry with all still while fancying the pants off each other.

OP, Go with your gut instinct and don't listen to what society or other people have to say about whats right or wrong. Do whats right for you.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

If you can get hold of the Sunday Times magazine from yesterday you should read the article on 50 years of the Pill. There's a very insightful piece from a man about how the Pill has made life easier for men and made them more reluctant to commit. Some men in their late 30s/early 40s were saying that they only went for women under 27 because women older than that would want children and commitment. They were either never married or just divorced. They couldn't believe the amount of single women at their disposal compared to their younger days when single men seemed to exceed single women. One of the men said "there are millions of women out there, all desperate". They were saying how the internet has made it possible for them to screen out dates before meeting the women and to play games like dating women in alphabetical order of names - Anna, Brenda, Catherine, Denise, Evelyn, Francesca... ...Zara.

I'm 37 like yourself and a previous poster. I keep myself reasonably well and get chatted up by younger men a lot but I seem to be invisible to men my own age and older. IMHO there are times I think that a 37 year old woman hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting into a proper relationship. There are too many available women out there for men our age and older. They're not all that interested in women like us and don't care how many partners we've had or hadn't because not that many of them are interested in a relationship with women their own age anyway. The most you can expect from a lot of them is a one-night-stand or at most, 6 or 7 dates and once they get sex they move on to the next target.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

There have always been men like this. I waited until I was 27 to have sex and I had several boyfriends, the ones who wouldn't date without sex are still out there playing the field while those who were a bit more well rounded are happily married. It does get harder to meet someone as you get older (I could write a book) but its not impossible. A friend of mine is 42 and walking up the aisle in August. She's given up hope of kids but she is glad she didn't write off all men. My BF was single for five years before he met me because the chasing girls in pubs scene didn't suit him. I met him at a mutual friends party and we're living together and planning on getting married in two years or so.
His single friends are all 40+ and have admitted after a few drinks that they wished they had settled down in late 20s early 30s because chasing tail at their age is getting depressing and a bit tacky. Some of them would love to find someone special but can't seem to get their act together after playing the field for so long and women find them very unappealing and move onto more together guys. So its not all about men loving chasing random women. I think deep down most people want to find someone, its just that it takes some of us longer than others.

LegacyUser

'as that ununusual for you to do? how did you find it '

Sorry I don;t know how to quote your reply other than to copy and paste it.

It was a little bit unusual for me in that I didn;t know how i felt about him and to be honest felt pressured into it really, although i did find him attractive and loved all the conversations and nights out i had with him. I sort of fwelt though that he though I was playing games and playing hard to get.

Now i'm a bit ashamed to admit this but I am single since last year and I've slept with 4 men since. It sounds like loads and it is...but if i slept with all the men I have gone out on dates with it could be in double figures as I am actively dating as I really want to meet someone. To answer your question how did I find it, I would say that it all happens very smoothly and feels natural. With the exception of the last guy, I was actually seeing them for a while, got to know them and felt comfortable enough to sleep with them...had no body hangup's etc.and they were all sweethearts when it came to it too, and shall I say eager to please and probably a bit nervous themselves. my advice would be not to overthink it as it really is the most natural thing in the world when the time is right. I probably had more nerves than you about this as for the last year of my relationship with my ex partner we never slept together (because of him) until it came to a head and he told me 'he didn't find me attractive enough to sleep with'. It takes a lot to get over that but I'm happy to say now that i realise that that was his issue which he made me feel bad about and was a really mean thing to do. The confidence took a knock but I'm back to myself now and happy to be on the dating scene and not married to that moron.

Any men on the scene yet?

deniseryan

newly single wrote: »

'as that ununusual for you to do? how did you find it '

Sorry I don;t know how to quote your reply other than to copy and paste it.

It was a little bit unusual for me in that I didn;t know how i felt about him and to be honest felt pressured into it really, although i did find him attractive and loved all the conversations and nights out i had with him. I sort of fwelt though that he though I was playing games and playing hard to get.

Now i'm a bit ashamed to admit this but I am single since last year and I've slept with 4 men since. It sounds like loads and it is...but if i slept with all the men I have gone out on dates with it could be in double figures as I am actively dating as I really want to meet someone. To answer your question how did I find it, I would say that it all happens very smoothly and feels natural. With the exception of the last guy, I was actually seeing them for a while, got to know them and felt comfortable enough to sleep with them...had no body hangup's etc.and they were all sweethearts when it came to it too, and shall I say eager to please and probably a bit nervous themselves. my advice would be not to overthink it as it really is the most natural thing in the world when the time is right. I probably had more nerves than you about this as for the last year of my relationship with my ex partner we never slept together (because of him) until it came to a head and he told me 'he didn't find me attractive enough to sleep with'. It takes a lot to get over that but I'm happy to say now that i realise that that was his issue which he made me feel bad about and was a really mean thing to do. The confidence took a knock but I'm back to myself now and happy to be on the dating scene and not married to that moron.

Any men on the scene yet?

thanks for the insight, no one on the scene yet but i am thinking maybe at the weekend i might try to meet someone and break the barrier so to speak!

Beruthiel

Emme wrote: »

IMHO there are times I think that a 37 year old woman hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell of getting into a proper relationship.

Not true Emme. Not for me anyway.

Emme

newly single wrote: »

Now i'm a bit ashamed to admit this but I am single since last year and I've slept with 4 men since. It sounds like loads and it is...but if i slept with all the men I have gone out on dates with it could be in double figures as I am actively dating as I really want to meet someone.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were in a relationship you'd probably be at more than 4 times a week with your OH so 4 partners is nothing as long as you use protection. I think people in relationships are too quick to judge single people for being promiscuous but it's lonely out there and sometimes it takes (pardon the expression ) balls to go home alone after a night out when you can choose to do otherwise.

Fair play to you for actively dating - I've given up! How did you meet the guys you went on dates with?

Emme

Beruthiel wrote: »

Not true Emme. Not for me anyway.

Did you meet your OH at 37 or were you already in a relationship at 37? And is there a significant age difference between you and your OH? It's just that most guys in their late 30s up seem to go for women at least 10-15 years younger.

magneticimpulse

Emme wrote: »

Did you meet your OH at 37 or were you already in a relationship at 37? And is there a significant age difference between you and your OH? It's just that most guys in their late 30s up seem to go for women at least 10-15 years younger.

i find on internet dating lately, i cant actually meet guys around 29 age group. i also tried speed dating and it was the same problem. many guys were 35+ and on speed dating even thou it was meant to be up to 35...the guys were all in their 40s. honestly i wouldnt even touch a guy over 30. just because im not into a serious relationship, marriage at the moment. and they look so old as well. bald head, wrinkles etc. and majority live in the house they bought with ex(just being honest)

i just take all of that with a pitch of salt. its not really successful for me and ive been internet dating for 12 years.

so which brings me to the conclusion. its not a question of age or how old or young you are. dating is difficult no matter what your age is. you should do something on meetup.com
i am doing everything and anything going to meet people. i did car sharing last weekend. couchsurfing. meetup.com (which has nights out, sport, dinner, walks). I find that if you widen your social circle you have better chance of success.

Emme

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i find on internet dating lately, i cant actually meet guys around 29 age group. i also tried speed dating and it was the same problem. many guys were 35+ and on speed dating even thou it was meant to be up to 35...the guys were all in their 40s. honestly i wouldnt even touch a guy over 30. just because im not into a serious relationship, marriage at the moment. and they look so old as well. bald head, wrinkles etc. and majority live in the house they bought with ex(just being honest)

i just take all of that with a pitch of salt. its not really successful for me and ive been internet dating for 12 years.

so which brings me to the conclusion. its not a question of age or how old or young you are. dating is difficult no matter what your age is. you should do something on meetup.com
i am doing everything and anything going to meet people. i did car sharing last weekend. couchsurfing. meetup.com (which has nights out, sport, dinner, walks). I find that if you widen your social circle you have better chance of success.

Most of the organisers of speed dating are very flexible when it comes to men's ages for events. I went to 35+ event but the organisers told me that men weren't all that keen to sign up for it. I commented on that and it was said to me that men wanted to meet a woman at least 12-15 years younger and that's why they weren't going for women over 35. I went to one 35+ event and the men LOOKED to be WELL over 50 but they were all saying they were 40! I'd say the men at that speed dating thing you were on were either lying about their ages (more common than you think) or the organisers just let them attend because younger guys weren't signing up.

As for meetup.com it can be good but in my experience some of the guys in the clubs have partners already and are only attending certain events to get a bit on the side or have a different woman every night. The activity based events are great, but stay away from the beer/drinking events. You won't necessarily meet a guy there but you will make friends. TBH I'd rather focus on making more friends of both genders at this stage, the whole dating scene stresses me out.