Cheating wife?

LegacyUser

i am married just over 2 years but suspect my wife is cheating......already!she really does not seem the type but i know shes been txting a guy she met on a nite out about 3 months ago. she was with him a few times years ago altho she denies this but i know from another source that she was. they txt almost everyday altho (no idea what is said...always deleted but i see in the history she has txt him
) she is not aware i know this. we have argued over this b4 but she says he is just a friend and only txts every few weeks...which is a lie. she has been out 3 times without me since this happened and hasnt come home til 4 each time and there has always been txts from him on her phone but i do not know wat they say! she had a few missed calls the last time 2. now she turns her phone on its screen all the time just incase she gets a txt from him...so i cant see.

i kn ow it sounds very suspicious but if she was cheating wudnt she be meeting him more regularly? she has never met him other than these nites (not even sure if she did these nites) and i am 100% sure of this. the missed calls have all come wen shes home so if she was with him until 4 y wud he ring...so im thinking hes trying to meet her after the club but she hasnt answered? i cant tell her ive seen her phone almost everyday coz she'd freak. i just dont know......any1 have any advice????and dont say just ask her....it wil be denied and i have no proof!

greengiant09

ok, so we know for sure that your wife is lying about not texting him.....she also deletes her texts after she sends them!!!...sounds very very bad!! i mean why would someone delete their texts if they have nothing to hide???

it can really only point to one thing.....obviously you'd like some concrete proof so i'd advise you to think of some plan to catch her out. i'd expect the worst.

Vomit

If you can't sit down and talk to her about this reasonably then it sounds like your marriage is already in trouble, regardless of what she's doing outside it.

LegacyUser

isnt honesty important to a marriage??

you be honest with her, and tell her exactly what you think is going on. she should be honest with you, and also she shouldnt be texting a man she was with before, as this upsets you...

i think you should just be honest,tell her that you know she is lying.

if she freaks, so what??? you have to get it all out in the open. from the sound of your opening post, the marriage sounds terrible. (no point sugar coating it).

greengiant09

greengiant09 wrote: »

i mean why would someone delete their texts if they have nothing to hide???
.

I clear out my inbox regularly except for important messages or ones I haven't replied to. I clear out my sent items as well as I just don't like having 700 texts or something taking up space

Two problems here OP, one is that you just clearly don't trust her, and the other is that she's lying about texts. Maybe it's because you don't trust her, maybe it's because she's cheating, maybe it's something else.
Time to sit down and have a chat with each other.

jessiejam

Hi OP

From reading your posts you don't trust her, I understand why. She is telling you that she is texting him allbeit not as much as she lets on.

She probably isn't telling you because she knows how you will react. Freak out/be annoyed/argue etc. Sometimes in relationships we tell white lies to protect our OH's which in turn leads you to think there is more to it than she lets on.

I can't blame you. If this other guy truely is only a friend, invite him over. Tell your wife its about time you got to know this guy properly. If she recoils in horror you know there is more to it. If she accepts, then you can sos him out properly. You should be able to tell if there is anything going on.

Other than that, get his number and ring him and ask to meet him yourself. Sometimes an old flame can show their faces and we would think "if only we stayed". But you have to remember, she split with him, and married you.

If you don't get this sorted or nipped in the bud, it will only develop into resentment and bigger trust issues in the future.

fungun

suppose its possible she is playing some game also to see if you trust her, but either way it doesnt sound particularly healthy.

Er...one thing that always gets me though....if ye are having sex often enough its pretty difficult for a woman to have an affaire without you suspecting....she either would have to postpone sex suspiciously or she would feel more...er..moist when you have sex with her surely?

cowzerp

jessiejam wrote: »

Hi OP

I can't blame you. If this other guy truely is only a friend, invite him over. Tell your wife its about time you got to know this guy properly. If she recoils in horror you know there is more to it. If she accepts, then you can sos him out properly. You should be able to tell if there is anything going on.

No way man, she might just feel like he is invading her privacy-he is her friend and does not have to be his friend too..

personally it does sound a bit dodgey but maybe she is keeping it private as she does not want him falsely getting paranoid, i know this is having the wrong affect but could be the issue here.

jessiejam

I disagree

I think if she really had nothing to hide she would go for it. Obviously she would be there too, in other words tell her to invite him over when they are both there. I know I would go for it if I had nothing to hide. Saying that if it is an affair she would have him well warned.

Not suggesting that the OP become his friend too. Just get him over to sos him out.

She is definitely hiding something.... what, is the question.

If the OP has always been insecure or distrusting, maybe she just doesn't want him to get seriously paranoid about their friendship and start accusing her of things shes not doing.

ManOfMystery

Forgetting the whole cheating thing, am I the only one who finds it strange that she met some random guy on a night out and ended up friends with him? Maybe I've just had a sheltered life, but I just can't imagine being married and being out with my friends taking numbers from members of the opposite sex - it's not the type of avenue I would be exploring if seeking to make new friendships.

fungun

she was with him years ago

Ickle Magoo

fungun wrote: »

Er...one thing that always gets me though....if ye are having sex often enough its pretty difficult for a woman to have an affaire without you suspecting....she either would have to postpone sex suspiciously or she would feel more...er..moist when you have sex with her surely?

Not necessarily, especially if condoms are used and the vaginal area washed. Vaginas can get moist at the thought of sex, if there was no obvious deposit/smell of seminal fluids and she gave herself a quick wash to remove any traces of smells that aren't hers then I'd say it's nigh on impossible to tell if a woman has had sex, even very recently - doubly so if she is aroused as she would be if about to have sex.

OP,

I think you need to sit your wife down and talk. You obviously don't trust her, you find some of her behaviour suspicious - and you don't want a marriage where you are constantly wondering if your partner is being faithful. The only thing you can do is have a heart to heart and ask for the truth. If you don't think you are getting it and you think that's a deal breaker then she needs to know that. The only way you are going to work through this is if both parties are honest and transparent about what they are doing and why.

Best of luck.

fungun

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Not necessarily, especially if condoms are used and the vaginal area washed. Vaginas can get moist at the thought of sex, if there was no obvious deposit/smell of seminal fluids and she gave herself a quick wash to remove any traces of smells that aren't hers then I'd say it's nigh on impossible to tell if a woman has had sex, even very recently - doubly so if she is aroused as she would be if about to have sex.

Ah you see Id be able to figure it out cos the women I have sex with are rarely aroused :cool:

aquablu

Ok..It still doesnt make sense.I stand to be correted in saying, wonder if she puts any value on the marriage.Why would she choose maintaining ''friendship'' with an ex or any man for that matter when it upsets you?Fine,this friendship may mean something to her,but if its completely innocent,why is she prolonging your agony,instead of getting you tomeet this dude?He's a bloody ex for a reason,so how is it that its blossomed into friendship.Honestly,where does yourwife's loyalty lie.My point being,if this friendship with a random dude,causes you to be upsert,why the **** is she holding on to it.If this woman doesnt care for your feelings at all then you may have to reevaluate the your whole marriage.Sorry if i may soud harsh,but some womn really dont know what they've got.

RodSteel

wat to do? wrote: »

i am married just over 2 years but suspect my wife is cheating......already!she really does not seem the type but i know shes been txting a guy she met on a nite out about 3 months ago. she was with him a few times years ago altho she denies this but i know from another source that she was. they txt almost everyday altho (no idea what is said...always deleted but i see in the history she has txt him
) she is not aware i know this. we have argued over this b4 but she says he is just a friend and only txts every few weeks...which is a lie. she has been out 3 times without me since this happened and hasnt come home til 4 each time and there has always been txts from him on her phone but i do not know wat they say! she had a few missed calls the last time 2. now she turns her phone on its screen all the time just incase she gets a txt from him...so i cant see.

i kn ow it sounds very suspicious but if she was cheating wudnt she be meeting him more regularly? she has never met him other than these nites (not even sure if she did these nites) and i am 100% sure of this. the missed calls have all come wen shes home so if she was with him until 4 y wud he ring...so im thinking hes trying to meet her after the club but she hasnt answered? i cant tell her ive seen her phone almost everyday coz she'd freak. i just dont know......any1 have any advice????and dont say just ask her....it wil be denied and i have no proof!

Respect is a requisite of marriage. This girl is showing none of it towards you. My answer, dump her.

Whispered

aquablu wrote: »

.Why would she choose maintaining ''friendship'' with an ex or any man for that matter when it upsets you?

Maybe he hasn't let hr know it upsets him. OP have you? If you have, then I agree it's out of order.

RodSteel wrote: »

Respect is a requisite of marriage. This girl is showing none of it towards you. My answer, dump her.

You are suggesting someone end a marriage based on a post on an internet forum?

I agree with people who said you should sit her down and talk to her. She may freak out, but at least it's out in the open then and you can work on it and move on.

RodSteel

Whispered wrote: »

You are suggesting someone end a marriage based on a post on an internet forum?

Yes

dedrizzle

Hey OP,

I'm sorry, seems like she's just being really selfish and not considering your feelings at all.. It's a possibilty that nothing at all has happened and that they just spent time together, but even if that is the case, I would guess that she probably fancies him... Otherwise why bother meeting up with an old flame..

I agree with aquablu, some people just don't know what they have and totally take their other half for granted..

I deff think you need to sit her down and ask her to tell you the truth.. You should prepare youself for all eventualities though.. And remember if she is.. at least your finding out now - before you waste anymore time on her..

Some marriages can go on forever like that - some people on the outside knowing that one half of the couple is just a toerag, and often the other thinks that they are in a perfect marriage.. That sorta crap really turns me off marriage.. If your gona cheat, why get bloody married at all...

Hope you get to the bottom of it.. And I hope your wrong and that yer man is gay or something;)

kjl

What type of phone does she have, Im in forensics and could probably restore old messages on the phone.

KasandraRose

wat to do? wrote: »

i kn ow it sounds very suspicious but if she was cheating wudnt she be meeting him more regularly? she has never met him other than these nites (not even sure if she did these nites) and i am 100% sure of this. the missed calls have all come wen shes home so if she was with him until 4 y wud he ring...so im thinking hes trying to meet her after the club but she hasnt answered? i cant tell her ive seen her phone almost everyday coz she'd freak. i just dont know......any1 have any advice????and dont say just ask her....it wil be denied and i have no proof!

I was in a situation very similar to this where I suspected it. And based off of that experience, I now follow my gut feeling - even if my heart may be trying to tell me different.
Just out of curiosity though, you ask if she should be meeting him more if she were cheating. In my book, the first time is one too many times. It's one thing to have a platonic friend but it is a little strange that she'd be so secretive about the meetings, calls and text messages. And as far as her "freaking out" for checking her phone...I don't think snooping is a way to have a relationship BUT like mentioned before, if it's completely innocent on her part, there's no reason to freak out and delete everything. It all just sounds too fishy. Your best bet at this time is to sit down and have a deep heart to heart with her. Good luck!

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies. our sex life hasnt changed and she wants to try for another child. have 1 already. we have had problems but we r getting on good now....except for this issue. if i raise it again she will get very annoyed and it will prob end things as she believes i dont trust her (which is kind of true). i just dont know wat to do, i cant mention it again coz she'll just say she only txts every few weeks.....if i say i check her fone everyday and know she txts him that will finish it.

i dont wanna take that risk unless i know for sure something is going on! surely if she was with him she would want to meet up more often....and so wud he? she was out last week again without me but i know for def she wasnt with him...........surely he'd of gone out to meet if for nothin else....i know i wud if i was in that situation! its just very odd that they txt every day tho...well at least 4 days of the week. she only deletes his txts...no 1 elses and shes only txtin him now wen shes at work...probably said that to him so i cant see. if there was a way to retrieve deleted messages i'd be sorted. help!!!!!!!

Ickle Magoo

If it's got to the stage that she'll end your marriage based on the fact you know she's lying then I don't think you've anything to lose from getting everything out into the open. It sounds from your post like your wife is holding all the cards and knows it, which doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Would you consider counselling? Perhaps a third party perspective might help bring into the open both your insecurities and her suspicious behaviour?

fungun

sorry wrong thread, lol

Oryx

Your wife might not be cheating on you in the physical sense. In your last post you mention that she did not meet him the last time she was out alone, and you cant figure why. Perhaps its because they dont meet up like you think they do?

But if she is texting this person as much as you say, then she is getting something from him, and that might just be friendship, its not unheard of. If they have a history, he may simply be a good friend. If it was a girl she was texting this whole story would not be an issue, but it is possible to have the same kind of friendship with a man.

You are clearly jealous, and you do snoop on her. She knows this, why else would she turn her phone over and hide her texts? She could be doing this because she is cheating and has something to hide, or maybe she wants this person as a friend but knows you will blow a gasket and assume the worst if you know the level of contact they have.

Whether your wife is cheating or not, your marriage is in trouble, because you have a wall of secrecy and mistrust between you, and because she is seeking some kind of comfort/companionship from someone else. Sometimes a couple get to the stage that, even when they really need to, they cannot get past their issues to talk properly without a counsellor to help. I really think its something you should look into, so you can talk to her in a non confrontational way.

She wants another child with you. Which means a) you have kids already. b)she wants this with you. c)you have something worth fighting for with her.

LegacyUser

she does know how much it upsets me. we had a few big arguments over it and other things. everything else has been sorted and we are getting on good now.

the last time we argued over this i made it quite clear that if she had any intention of being with him or if she had been with him then we will just end things. it was a perfect chance for her to go but she didnt. if she had been with him on those nites out why wud he ring her after she got home? it wudnt of been to make sure she got home ok b4 some1 suggests that coz if they were with each other it was near our house. i just dont know!!!

im thinking maybe it just is friendship sometimes and then other times i think theres something going on! a friend of hers has quizzed her on it b4 on my behalf but she told her they were just friends etc. i can trust this person....i think.

i guess ill never know unless i see some messages on her phone?

ManOfMystery

To be honest, if you check her phone chances are you might see a message which is incriminating - or you might see nothing. You might see xoxoxoxo but again this could just be something friends would put in a text. It will drive you mad wondering.

The only way to do this is to sit your wife down and explicitly ask her for 100% complete honesty - is there anything going on. Describe in a rational manner and calmly why you think there is and you just want her to be honest.

RodSteel

wat to do? wrote: »

she does know how much it upsets me. we had a few big arguments over it and other things. everything else has been sorted and we are getting on good now.

the last time we argued over this i made it quite clear that if she had any intention of being with him or if she had been with him then we will just end things. it was a perfect chance for her to go but she didnt. if she had been with him on those nites out why wud he ring her after she got home? it wudnt of been to make sure she got home ok b4 some1 suggests that coz if they were with each other it was near our house. i just dont know!!!

im thinking maybe it just is friendship sometimes and then other times i think theres something going on! a friend of hers has quizzed her on it b4 on my behalf but she told her they were just friends etc. i can trust this person....i think.

i guess ill never know unless i see some messages on her phone?

Download Sim Card Data Recovery Software like "data doctor recovery", you will have to pay something like 60E for the full version.
You then buy yourself a sim card/usb adaptor for your pc/laptop and you can then recover deleted messages and phone numbers from her sim card.
You may find your answer this way.
IMO this is no way a wife should treat her husband, whatever you find subsequently

SugarHigh

You need to start thinking about divorce and how not to get taken for a mug by her again.

<snip>

KasandraRose

Regardless of how you're getting along now, you will continue to have doubts and feelings of mistrust if you don't address them. It'll eat at you and cause further problems. You can't ignore what your heart is telling you. I think counseling is a great idea. Either way, you need to be at peace with the whole situation. Are you going to be ok with both yourself and your wife if you just "forget" about it???

LegacyUser

OP you need to sit her down and talk about it - dodging the issue and ruminating over what is going on is only fuelling paranoia.

Straight out bite the bullet and bring it to the open

Say her behaviour is a little odd and you want to know why is she worried about something, what is on her mind - something along those lines is the best opener as its not too confrontational

(if she asks for examples - then say the turn phone down, its a little bit odd around, - Pause and wait for her to repsond and then say you know about the other chap - why did she lie about it, as you are feeling thats its disrespectful to the marriage and to you)

Ask her how she would feel if you contacted others and where somewhat secretive about it how would she feel

Dont be aggressive, dont accuse her of anything like cheating as such, ask her about what she feeling thinking and how she'd feel if you where carrying out some of the behaviours

LegacyUser

Hi,

Having read through your posts and having just coming through something very similar recently I can honestly say she is showing all the hall mark signs of cheating. People who have nothing to hide in their texts do not delete them. People who freak out when approached on the matter & start spouting 'oh you just dont trust me' do so because they more than likely have something to hide. My advice is to suggest counselling, or head along yourself. You need the support or you will go mad as this will consume you.

Wishing you good luck.

Wibbs

Oryx wrote: »

Your wife might not be cheating on you in the physical sense.

Agreed, it may be an emotional/intellectual/excitement/ego "affair" without ever getting physical. The fact she was with him before makes it more dodgy or on the other hand less so as it could be a case of "been there, done that".

But if she is texting this person as much as you say, then she is getting something from him, and that might just be friendship, its not unheard of. If they have a history, he may simply be a good friend. If it was a girl she was texting this whole story would not be an issue, but it is possible to have the same kind of friendship with a man.

I agree, but rarer and if this was the case it would be more likely she would be open about it. I've women mates who arent single and their boyfriends's didnt know me from Adam at first, but they didnt hide me as a mate nor have any issue with me meeting their boyfriends and there would be no issue with our txts nor meetings. Neither would we be txting everyday.

You are clearly jealous, and you do snoop on her. She knows this, why else would she turn her phone over and hide her texts? She could be doing this because she is cheating and has something to hide, or maybe she wants this person as a friend but knows you will blow a gasket and assume the worst if you know the level of contact they have.

Well the level of contact would trouble me TBH. Like you said she's getting something from this extra marital relationship. Even if it was a woman involved, daily texting(and deletions) and clandestine meetings would make me in his position still wonder a little "eh wut?". Contact with an ex and that level of contact being hidden means something is up in the primary relationship. That needs addressing. If I was her and found myself lying about any relationship outside the marriage I would be asking serious questions why. I would be thinking something is missing from my primary relationship.

Further to that swapping of roles, imagine the OP was a woman whose husband was in daily contact with an ex girlfriend, had spent late nights out with little explanation and lies about the level of contact and hides his txt tracks? That even with this going on, the husband wants to have another child? I can't help thinking the "dump him/Think long and hard before having another child" advice would overpower the "You need to trust/go for counseling" advice.

She wants another child with you. Which means a) you have kids already. b)she wants this with you. c)you have something worth fighting for with her.

Sadly IME not necessarily. I know one chap who was living with a woman for a few years, they had one child, she beame a bit distant, they had some issues, she wanted another child. He refused because of his concerns, left the shared house to both take some time out. Within a month the guy she had been meeting had moved in. I know another situation where it was the man having doubts and he suggested to his wife that they have another child on top of the three older children they had already(maybe to recapture in some way the earlier stage of the marriage). II think I can safely say we all know couples who wanted children with each other, had children, loved them equally, but still split up.

I think sometimes in marriages/relationships in trouble the temptation to bring a child into the mix as a "glue" to cement the relationship can be a strong one. So personally I wouldnt put that much store in that as an indicator TBH.

OP I think you and she need to sit down and calmly and I cant emphasise that enough calmly discuss each others fears and position. Without raising your voice, convey to her your worries about this. Talk about how you are feeling, do not get into any accusatory language. That will just put her on the back foot, no matter what the reality is. If that brings some progress the suggestion of a counselor to further solidify your relationship is a good one. If she agrees to the sit down and the counselor you are both on much firmer ground.

StarryMoon0

wat to do? wrote: »

thanks for all the replies. our sex life hasnt changed and she wants to try for another child. have 1 already. we have had problems but we r getting on good now....except for this issue. if i raise it again she will get very annoyed and it will prob end things as she believes i dont trust her (which is kind of true). i just dont know wat to do, i cant mention it again coz she'll just say she only txts every few weeks.....if i say i check her fone everyday and know she txts him that will finish it.

IMHO the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is breach or lack of trust.
Maybe she is cheating..maybe she's not.. are there problems that you think are sorted, but she maybe doesn't, and she is leaning on this guy for support?
Maybe he is just a friend and she doesn't want to lose the friendship and is deleting the texts so she doesn't get in trouble for being his friend. STill, there's not much excuse for that.
Way I see it, if something has to be hidden, or secret, or lied about, then its not "right" and it damages the relationship.
What can she say that will make you trust her?
When will you stop thinking about this?

I really think you guys need to work through this, obviously there are some issues at work. If everything was perfect and you were truly getting along great, then noting would need to be secret.

I really feel for you, only gone through my own separation after being married almost 10 yrs. The cause: secrets, lies, dishonesty, betrayal.

Mind yourself and don't go mental ok..this stuff will drive you insane..
CHecking her phone all the time will only cause YOU pain, and teach her to hide it better. You torture yourself each time you look. I know this sounds insane, but hear me out:
Don't check all the time.
Speak with her. If she leaves because she doesn't want to talk openly with you, then I think that says something in itself.
When you speak with her, do not accuse. Calmly talk, and use "I statements"
-I feel you are hiding something
-I feel if you are just friends, then why is it secret
etc

ANd LISTEN to her answers, if your gut tells you somethings not right..then you have some thinking to do

enviro

For the love of god do not try for another child until this is sorted out.

I would have it out with her but from what you have said previously, I do not think you are going to do this.

Bottom line is you need to get the truth out in the open, one way or another. Wondering will drive you mad.

Do what you have to and good luck.

Zaph

OP, like many forums on boards, we don't permit text speak in PI/RI. Please refrain from using it again in the future. Thanks.

SugarHigh, please don't post any more irrelevant links, this is Ireland, not the States.