Friends with an ex. Your Thoughts?

lour26

Hey everyone,
What do you think about friends with an ex? Do you think its a good idea?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, it was more him then me but I know its for the best as I see now that it wouldn't have lasted. However, he wants to remain friends as he said that he see's me as his best friend and does not completely want me out of his life.I know that he wasn't using this as an excuse to make things easier as he has made an effort so far to be friends. He is a nice guy and has also done this with past girlfriends and still remains friendly with them. I am just hesitating as I have never had a break up like this with an ex before. I have also made it clear to him that we cannot not be "friends with benefits"

LegacyUser

Going on personal experience I would advise against staying friends with this guy. Although it depends on whether you still have feelings for him or not. If you see him as nothing other than a friend then it might work.

I had a break up where we decided to stay friends but it just didn't work because I still had feelings for him and I always had that false hope in the back of my mind that we would get back together. It only caused me more heartache and suffering.

It could work but I now have reservations about these sorts of situations

dublingal80

its completely up to you. If you want to be friends with him and you continue to be clear about not being friends with benefits, why not.
my ex broke up with me recently and he is/was my best friend. Cant imagine not having him in my life in some sort of way but trying to figure out how to be friends is going to be hard cos all i'll wanna do is jump him!

Ickle Magoo

I think it all comes down to whether you harbour romantic feeling for him or not. If you feel completely apathetic, in romantic terms, then being friends with exes is easy - as soon as you add feelings on either side then it becomes an impossibility.

Best of luck.

triny

Hi OP

Am going through the very same thing with an ex now aswell, He always said when we were together that you cant be friends with an ex, so when we split i was real upset to lose such a massive part of my life!

Now were texting every couple of days, just to keep contact and see if we can make it as friends. I know if the stage comes where he says hes got a new gf, il have to step back but its nearly like at the mo, were just slowly weaning off each other? does that make sense! i know they say quick and painless, but that wasnt painless at all, and its a lot easier to know that if worst came to it, i could still depend on him for something (not dirty stuff!) but if i got stranded with a flat or that, that i could call.

Just knowing its not gonna be like meeting a complete stranger if we do bump into each other ( which we prob will), makes it a bit easier with the whole breakup! In sayin that it depends on how ye get on and how the break up was?

Good luck with it!

lour26

Yea I just don't really know what to be doing tbh. We are not broken up that long and for the first few weeks, he rang me once a week for a catch up to see how I was etc, but the last phone call he started telling me how he missed me and that he wanted to do stuff with me, like going out for drinks etc and a few other things he should not of been saying. So I emailed him the next day and told him not to contact me for a while coz if he wanted to be friends he had to accept thats all we can be and that he was confusing me. So he wb saying he understood and apoloigised and said he'll give me the space I need and hopefully in a few weeks we can meet up.

fungun

I think it rarely works because mutual break ups are rare...its always driven by one person.
Also the level of affection/love is often too high for a normal friendship to evolve.

If you can ever see a situation where one of you may try it on with the other, whether after a few drinks, if one of you was down or whatever then this is a big no no. The fact that you specifically say you mentioned to him that you would not be 'friends with benefits' makes me think you probably see a situation where this might happen. If so Id steer clear.

Another point would be that it would certainly always prey on my mind a bit 'what if he wanted her back' if my gf had an ex-bf who had broken up with her and they were still good friends.

....and seeing your previous post it doesnt look like he will draw the line where it needs to be drawn! Guys are useless at that! Good response by yourself though.

dublingal80

fair play to you for being so strong and clear about it all!

triny

Take ur space - see how u feel after! Ull know well enough then whether u can be friends or not! :rolleyes:

Asphyxia

In my own opinion I think it's great if you can have a good friendship with an ex. Out of all the past relationships I have been in I think I am friends with two. My boyfriend recently contacted his ex about giving her back some things he had found, he seemed happy to talk to her so I had a talk and told him to just see about talking again eventually and getting on a friendship basis so he will down the line as he said. I think when two people have been through alot together they should try and make a friendship work.

Denimgirl

There is cases of ex's being mates and getting back together,it's happened to me a few times and my parents!

lazygal

Don't bother. I tried it with the guy I was seeing before my current man. In hindsight, he used the friendship to convince himself (and me at the time TBH) that he had ended things well and was a nice guy. I met my partner shortly after we broke up and I realised that if my ex decided he didn't want me as a lover I was not going to give him my friendship. He brought it up and thought I was being a b!tch my not being friends but I think if you want to be friends there was no real spark in the first place or the partner who wants to be friends is keeping their options open. Thought we would stay friends but I can't imagine hanging out with him now, especially as I think my partner would not be thrilled about it.
My two cents anyway

pilph

I had an ex who I loved. Any time we had personal trouble we reached out to each other. It ended in a manner none of us wanted it to, but we should have cut contact a long long time ago.

It's up to you but its not something I would advocate.

Thibor

I think it depends on the maturity of the people involved, and the circumstances that led to the breakup, and, of course, the breakup itself.
I was seeing a girl for a while, we broke up, but it was amicable, we were both looking for different things.
We're still mates, not close mates, but we talk every couple of weeks on work emails and even FB.

If you were in love with him, friends is a no-no.
If you weren't in love with him, it could work.

Ollchailin

true-or-false wrote: »

If you were in love with him, friends is a no-no.
If you weren't in love with him, it could work.

See this kind of scares me, because myself and my ex broke up only around 6 weeks ago- and while I know I still love him, the thing I actually miss the most is our friendship and it would absolutely kill me altogether if I thought we couldn't eventually be friends. I met him out around 2 weeks ago & it was just too hard so I told him I can't see him for a while and I've been keeping myself as busy as possible to allow myself to move on. The friends with benefits thing is a whole other story- that has to be a no-no if there's any chance of a normal friendship.

But I really couldn't survive at all without his friendship- I know many might think this is naive of me but actually when I woke up this morning, I thought to myself "I miss my friend" as opposed to "I miss my boyfriend". Although I suppose I'm in a bit of an awkward situation in that we met through friends so there'll be no avoiding him- he'll be in my life forever, his friends are my friends & a lot of the lads he's been friends with forever are going out with girls I've been friends with forever.

OP, it's a toughie, but I really really hope & have to believe it's possible...

triny

Ollchailin wrote: »

See this kind of scares me, because myself and my ex broke up only around 6 weeks ago- and while I know I still love him, the thing I actually miss the most is our friendship and it would absolutely kill me altogether if I thought we couldn't eventually be friends. I met him out around 2 weeks ago & it was just too hard so I told him I can't see him for a while and I've been keeping myself as busy as possible to allow myself to move on. The friends with benefits thing is a whole other story- that has to be a no-no if there's any chance of a normal friendship.

But I really couldn't survive at all without his friendship- I know many might think this is naive of me but actually when I woke up this morning, I thought to myself "I miss my friend" as opposed to "I miss my boyfriend". Although I suppose I'm in a bit of an awkward situation in that we met through friends so there'll be no avoiding him- he'll be in my life forever, his friends are my friends & a lot of the lads he's been friends with forever are going out with girls I've been friends with forever.

OP, it's a toughie, but I really really hope & have to believe it's possible...

Im with you here, i dont think its true 'if u loved them u can never be friends', How can losing the friendship with the one person whos probably knows you the best, who knows all your moods, and has been there through masive times in your life, help you in any way! Of course you can be friends still, im not saying there gonna be the friend you ring every day for a chat and a giggle but def someone you can rely on if you ever need them! It mite not have worked as partners because of whatever reason but i def beleive a friendship can remain!

LegacyUser

It's definitely possible to stay friends though be prepared for it to be weird and confusing at times. My ex and I have remained good friends since our break up over a year ago. We were together a long time so although the passion had died our friendship was very strong and neither of us wanted to lose it. One thing though is that after we broke up we were never with each other again, never even kissed. It was sometimes hard but I think if you're going to try to be friends you have to just be friends, nothing else, so the OP's 'no friends with benefits' rule is a good one imo.