On A Break

LegacyUser

Hey Guys

Myself and my girlfriend of 9 years are on a break. I knew three weeks ago she was having some doubts and after three weeks of spending time together (her idea) she is still unsure and confused. She doesn't want to end it but is really unsure and we settled on taking two weeks apart from each other with no contact so she could really think things through. Since she brought up her doubts three weeks ago this has been head wrecking to say the least, and now i have two more weeks of this. I feel absolutely exhausted with worry and thinking about everything and this is having a pretty bad affect on me. I've kinda resigned myself to the fact that it is over and am treating it as such. I don't want to get my hopes up and think that we can work through this only to be told in two weeks that it is over. Therefore if i am preparing for the worst so ill be that bit more ready if she does end it and then if she doesn't, well then happy days.

I guess i'm looking for advice on 'being on a break'. I've never done something like this before. I think it as just being a pre requisite to a break up. I think she is afraid to just end it and of hurting me but she doesn't realise that dragging this on for what will be 5 weeks in total is probably hurting me more than just ending it outright. Can they work? Does anybody know of people who went on a break only to come through it stronger? Any advice would be welcome, thanks alot.

Gyalist

The most likely scenario of someone wanting to be on a break after 9 years is that they want to break up with you.

She is trying to let you down gently but in fact it will prolong the agony. It's time for you to be proactive and end it. She'll respect you more after that because you've finally made a stand. Don't ever let anyone mess you around llike that.

LegacyUser

I agree, i feel like i've been taken advantage of and i feel that the real reason is that she is too afraid to just end it. On the other hand though, i have heard from close people of sepcific examples of people going on a break and then after it, everything is fine. I don't think this applies to me. Im in absolute bits.

Gyalist

End it on your terms. Go out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Revisit the situation in six months if you are still interested.

The thing with the break is that she is in complete control of the relationship. You are never going to be treated as an equal at this stage.

LegacyUser

well we've agreed no contact and to meet up in two weeks, if not before then. If when we do meet up she is still unsure and wants the break to go on for a bit longer i know what i have to do.

i know it sounds easy to go out and have fun with your firends but i cant describe how i am feeling. 9years is longer than some poeple have gone out and got married and then divorced, yet a realtionship seems like its not as serious. It will take me a very long time to before i can go out and enjoy myself.

Gyalist

"We" didn't agree a period of no contact. You accepted it because you don't want the relationship to end. That's what I was trying to point out to you when I said that you aren't going to be treated as an equal in the relationship.

If I were in your position I would take the decision completely out of her hands by ending the relationship. the longer that you hang in there hoping for the best, the less respect she will have for you.

Colonel_McCoy

Sorry to say this but a break usually is a way to end a relationship. Think you should end it yourself and put yourself out of your misery

bloatedbelly

a break is a hop, skip and a jump to a break up.

Use this time to think about if this relationship is what YOU want. Remember you????

If she did want to work it out, would you be able to trust her again?
Would you feel like you couldnt be yourself incase you upset her or would you be doing everything and anything to make sure she didnt get doubts again?

I know 9 years is a hell of a long time, but its best for all this to happen now than instead of a few more years down the line when children are involved.

Take a step back from everything and use the time to think about what you want and take it from there.

good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies guys. i have resigned myself to the fact that when we meet it is over and am perapring myself for this.

At the same time, i understand why doubts crept in. I never committe to her, always fobbed off marraige and many other committment issues and was plannign to go away travelling for a few months with some friends. We were not going to break up but i made it clear i didnt want to go travelling with her. I was basically an asshole to her in the committmnet front and it was only a metter of time before something like this happened. She knows now that i understand all of this but it is too little too late. All other aspects of our reltionship were amazing though.

Raekwon

9 times out of 10 breaks are just an excuse to prolong the breakup and share the guilt/blame, don't give her the chance to do this.

Can I ask if your partner has started a new job or college course recently or went on a holiday without you? I know this is the last thing that you want to hear but usually when the idea of a break comes up their is sometimes somebody else involved and the current partner becomes the backup plan.

I know what your going through, it is the worst feeling in the world! Hang in there man!

Kimia

I'll go against the tide here and give you my experience. My bf broke my heart last year when he said he wanted a break and it was awful. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was very confused and lost. But I gave it a while and we talked tentatively, and I'm happy to say that we are now much stronger than before. We actually look back and marvel at how close we came to breaking up.

The only thing I'd say is that the reason for our break was that we had some issues that we resolved after we gave it another go. It wasn't that one of us was bored/sick of the other or anything, so maybe that's why we got through it - we still loved each other but we needed to sort our situation out.

I don't know if that helps but don't give up yet.

LegacyUser

I have thought that myself, that for her to suddenly change her mind like that, it could be somebody else and i have to say i really don't think that is the case. I know it sounds stupid but i don't think she is that type of girl. At the same time though, i am still thinking it is a possibility as her sudden change in relation to us is mind boggling. if you knew our relationship, we were so solid, and she was always infactuated by me, i could really do no wrong.

From talking to her, it appears my wish to go off travelling with my friends and having not committed to her started these niggling doubts in her head that have progressed to this stage. I honestly never committed to her properly and was an asshole in t aht reagrd. All other aspects of the realtionship were unreal, so solid but i never committed. the real strange thing is though i had been thinking logn and hard about this over the last few months and was not going to head off travellnig but suggest kinda take things to the next level. It seems like it is all that little bit too late.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

I'll go against the tide here and give you my experience. My bf broke my heart last year when he said he wanted a break and it was awful. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was very confused and lost. But I gave it a while and we talked tentatively, and I'm happy to say that we are now much stronger than before. We actually look back and marvel at how close we came to breaking up.

The only thing I'd say is that the reason for our break was that we had some issues that we resolved after we gave it another go. It wasn't that one of us was bored/sick of the other or anything, so maybe that's why we got through it - we still loved each other but we needed to sort our situation out.

I don't know if that helps but don't give up yet.

If you don't mind my asking, how long did you go on a break for? I have resigned myself to the fact it is over, just because i really dont want to get my hopes up but the root cause of all of thsi has been me not committing to her. I have told her everything i can though, and she knows that if we do stay together things will be different and those issues will be resolved. I just worry it is too little too late.

Glenshane Pass

Heres my piece of advice lad. End it before the two week deadline or whatever it is. Have some control over it (even if it really is the end) and tell her its over. THEN she can start thinking.

LegacyUser

I have been trying to reply to your posts guys but for some reason my replies have not been put up yet. Thanks for your replies and advice, ill have to think long and hard about whether i should instigate the break up prior to the end of the two weeks. i tried to give more backround info in my previous posts but they have not been put up yet.

dublingal80

im going through a "break" at the moment myself.

Came out of the blue and i didnt know what was going on and he just said he didnt know what he wanted anymore and asked for some space to think about things. he said he would still be in touch but not as much as before.

I said to myself, his actions now over the next few weeks will really show me where he his head is at...and he has barely been in touch. literally 2 texts and 1 email. So i know myself that its over, even if he is afraid to admit it.

So what do i do? I went out the weekend with the girls and had sooooooooo much fun. just laughed all weekend and left my phone at home. One of the girls had a camera and took loads of pics and put some on facebook, which he can see, which is good so he can see im out having fun without him)

Plus, since it was all out of the blue for me and i was shocked, i wrote an email to him. i only eamiled it to him today. its basically me writing out how i feel and just my thoughts out. im not begging him, im just telling him what i think. and the email was sent for me, not for him. i feel like i have done everything i can. i have respected what he asked and i gave him space, but i have also sent an email explaining exactly how im feeling. i cant do anything else. i wont have any regrets and i feel like i can close the door on this now and just move on.

you cant do anything to change her mind. But can i ask why she needs 5 weeks to think about things? Im sure she already knows by now what she wants

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

you cant do anything to change her mind. But can i ask why she needs 5 weeks to think about things? Im sure she already knows by now what she wants

I honestly don't know. A couple of my posts have just been put up giving a bit more detail but you wouldn't have seen them. I really thin kthe root casue of this is failure to committ to her. When it came to committment i was an asshole and at first i was shokced she was having doubts, now i'm shocked that they only came about now. Either way, even takin on board what everyone has said, ill give her these two weeks and then see what happens from there. Its hard to exlpan but although i might seem like a door mat, if you knew about the relationship to date, it is really the least i can do.

LegacyUser

Why didn't you commit to her?

You've said over and over here that you were an a**hole because you messed her around on the commitment front. Do you want to commit to her and do you want her in your life? If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then don't sit around like a lemming waiting for her to end it-if you want her don't let her go without a fight. I'm not saying to turn into a doormat and beg, but if you want her then you have to state your case calmly and put yourself on the line.

If you have indeed been a tool about commitment, (and trust me, if that's what she wanted and she's had to wait 9 years for it, I'm surprised she hung around that long to take time out to think) and you think that is the root cause of her confusion, bloody well fix it. After you state your case, if she still needs time to think, let her have it without going all gung ho and ending things. Give her that much. After 9 years together, I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Good luck!

sara-lou

I think that maybe you should respect she wants the space but that maybe you should make a gesture to let her know you still love her. She could be testing you to see how you will react, she could be wondering whether or not she can be on her own. So make sure if you still want to be with her you find out what she wants from you and try and compromise

9 yrs is a long time yere relationship will naturally be at a diff stage now, send her a big bunch of flowers just to let her know you are missing her or whatever no pressure

Denimgirl

The girl is probably waiting for you to pop the question after 9 years! !if she's at a certain age where shes thinking about her future she may be thinking your not the commitment type and she has 9 years with you and no commitment does she want her youth passing her waiting for you to decide when the time is right!!You have answered your own question maybe she is thinking twice about your relationship because of this!sorry if it is the reason, can't blame the girl really!

LegacyUser

Lis21830 wrote: »

Why didn't you commit to her?

Do you want to commit to her and do you want her in your life? Give her that much. After 9 years together, I don't think that's too much to ask for.

Good luck!

Thank you for your post. I agree completely, i know a lot posters are saying end it before she does out of self respect but I think after 9 years and my lack of commitment to her, two weeks is actually very little to ask.

We spoke at length for about four hours prior to going on a break. We covered everything, why I had my own commitment issues, how I am ready to commit to her and also how I see our future together. I was more honest with her than I had ever been. We literally covered everything, why I had wanted to go traveling, how I realised in the last few months that it is not something I want to do. She knows that if she stays with me, that things will move on beyond what they have been. I guess though, looking back at our talk the whole thing seems so surreal and a lot was said, more than I can remember and I worry she thinks it was me just saying anything out of desperation. Therefore I have started to write a letter to clearly state my feelings. I’ll give her the space she requested but a letter is only stating my intentions and feelings. At least she will have it while she thinks things through and if I do not send it I will always regret so. Believe me I’m not going to lie down like a lemming and let this just end, I will do whatever it takes to not loose her. My worry though is that she is just too far gone in her doubts and that she already knows what she wants. I will respect whatever she decides. Thanks for your replies guys.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

You have answered your own question maybe she is thinking twice about your relationship because of this!sorry if it is the reason, can't blame the girl really!

I don't blame her one bit, im just surprised this has only happened now.

dublingal80

inamess wrote: »

Thanks for your replies guys. i have resigned myself to the fact that when we meet it is over and am perapring myself for this.

At the same time, i understand why doubts crept in. I never committe to her, always fobbed off marraige and many other committment issues and was plannign to go away travelling for a few months with some friends. We were not going to break up but i made it clear i didnt want to go travelling with her. I was basically an asshole to her in the committmnet front and it was only a metter of time before something like this happened. She knows now that i understand all of this but it is too little too late. All other aspects of our reltionship were amazing though.

why did you not want to commit to her?And why did you not want to go travelling with her?

Honestly, if i was in her situation i would have done exactly the same thing. 9 years with someone, fair enough some people dont want to get married or whatever, but to have plans to go travelling and to "make it clear" and you dont want to go travelling with her????? tsk

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

why did you not want to commit to her?And why did you not want to go travelling with her?

Honestly, if i was in her situation i would have done exactly the same thing. 9 years with someone, fair enough some people dont want to get married or whatever, but to have plans to go travelling and to "make it clear" and you dont want to go travelling with her????? tsk

I honestly don't know. I have been unhappy in work and had saw it as a way to sort out my unhappiness in my job. She also would not have been able to go travelling for that bit longer. I guess i also wanted some independence. It wsn't like i was heading off for a couple of years, it was couple of months max.

I agree with everthing you say, i feel like a different person to who told her i didn't want to go travelling with her. I fell guilt for ever saying that and have apologised for such. And that is not because she brought up her doubts, i actually told her before she brought up her doubts that i didn't want to go travelling, that it wa a stupid idea and i don't know what i ahd been thinking. Thng is her doubts had already cmeented themselves, and they might be at the point of no return.

magneticimpulse

yep "on a break" = always mean "break up". just the other person doesnt have the decency to be honest...and after 9 years, thats some crap to take. at least she could have been honest to you to say the least!!!

start looking for a new girlfriend...as i bet she is on the look out for a replacement (the benefit of suggesting your on a break, gives her time to find a replacement...shes only thinking of herself mate)

dublingal80

It sounds like that 1-she was unhappy with your lack of committment and 2-she was unhappy you were going travelling and you made it clear to her that you didnt want her there. (she could have gone for 2 weeks at some stage but anyway)

So finally she decides, ok enough is enough and its when when she tells you its over you then tell her that you dont know why you dont want to commit and that you dont want to go travelling... a little too late in my opinion

so it sounds like she needs the space and the few weeks to think about everything, if she really wants to end this 9 year relationship or if she will give it another go. but she will be worried that if she does give it another go, despite everything you said about wanting to commit etc, you will go back to your old ways again.

Give her the space, maybe leave it another week or so before you give her the letter

LegacyUser

dublingal80 wrote: »

It sounds like that 1-she was unhappy with your lack of committment and 2-she was unhappy you were going travelling and you made it clear to her that you didnt want her there. (she could have gone for 2 weeks at some stage but anyway)

So finally she decides, ok enough is enough and its when when she tells you its over you then tell her that you dont know why you dont want to commit and that you dont want to go travelling... a little too late in my opinion

so it sounds like she needs the space and the few weeks to think about everything, if she really wants to end this 9 year relationship or if she will give it another go. but she will be worried that if she does give it another go, despite everything you said about wanting to commit etc, you will go back to your old ways again.

Give her the space, maybe leave it another week or so before you give her the letter

More or less, yeah that's pretty much it. Just to reiterate though, i had decided that i didnt want to go travelling without her prior to her even rasing the issue of her own doubts. I know it is too little too late but the thought of loosing her hasn't just thrown me into this bid to save the realtionship and decalre i was wrong in wanting to go travelling and in what i had said. I had reached that through my own personal thinking and raised it independently of her own feelings, it just appears that i was that bit too late.

I do also think t hat despite everything i have said, she is worried that i will end up back at my old ways. Ill give her the space she needs. Thanks

LegacyUser

This girl doesn't want space, she wants you to fight for your relationship& stop swinging the lead re committment.

You said your relationship is otherwise great? Well then, no problem there - bite the bloody bullet& show her just how great it IS by taking things to the next level.

A bit of perseverence (which, after 9years, you've proved you're capable of) & a grand gesture is called for....also, a few choice comments to her friends/relatives re how much you value her/your relationship ect....so she knows others know how good your relationship is& they don't think/comment otherwise.

And remember, a SHORT (max 1yr!) engagement period!

Good luck.

dublingal80

i dont know if it would be that easy for the op to just propose to her. Her trust in him as gone a LOT

IF she did decide for things to work out, i really dont think he should just propose or push things. Its going to take her a while to start trusting him again and for that to build up.

I do think its good to give her a week of no contact, let her think, and then try and arrange to meet her and then face to face, explain everything to her again. It has to be face to face.

magneticimpulse

oh when my ex wanted a break, i proposed to him while a few weeks on the break...i got fed up with him wondering if we were right and finally i got my answer. i dont regret it...at least i finally got an answer out of him.

LegacyUser

I think proposing to her right now is not the best idea, she is really so unsure about us that it could just frighten her. One of her friends was in contact with me just to see how i'm getting on, i didn't even ask her what herself has been saying as it is not somethin i would never do but she said to me that she thinks my girlfriend just needs time, i honestly don't know what that means but have no problem giving her time, its the absolute least she deserves. We left it after our conversation that we would meet up in two weeks and see how she feels, but it feels like we left it that she will have to have decided by then. I dont like the ultimatum and time pressure this has put on us and am happy to simply meet up to talk, and then go from there. It is hard to let her know this as we are not meant to be contactin each other and i want to give her time and space. hi understand where her doubts have come from, my lack of commitment being what set things off. Its just i really do think she knows that i am ready to commit to her, its just her doubts seem to be beyond my lack of commitment but whether or not she actually wants to be with me. She as always seen us as spending the rest of our lives and my jack of commitment to her started doubts that make her not so sure about us any more. I don't know how, or even if it is possible for these doubts to go away;

LegacyUser

You "don't like the ultimatum& time pressure", and would be happy to "meet up and go from there"? Woooah. You've had 9 whole years of no ultimatums, no time pressure,& coasting along! Her leaving for a break really hasn't changed you/given you any wakeup call at all it seems. I'm getting a really relaxed, "it's out of my hands" vibe, which is not the way forward if you want to keep this relationship on track.
She needs SOME form of verification from you that you value her, you miss her, you are ready to do whatever it takes to keep her in your life. And if this is not in the form of an engagement in the immediate future, then you need to be good& vocal- to gf& to others (friends, family)- re your love& committment to her. Otherwise your silence will be misinterpreted& your intentions (however procrastinated) doubted.

LegacyUser

moveitorloseit wrote: »

You "don't like the ultimatum& time pressure", and would be happy to "meet up and go from there"? Woooah. You've had 9 whole years of no ultimatums, no time pressure,& coasting along! Her leaving for a break really hasn't changed you/given you any wakeup call at all it seems. I'm getting a really relaxed, "it's out of my hands" vibe, which is not the way forward if you want to keep this relationship on track.
She needs SOME form of verification from you that you value her, you miss her, you are ready to do whatever it takes to keep her in your life. And if this is not in the form of an engagement in the immediate future, then you need to be good& vocal- to gf& to others (friends, family)- re your love& committment to her. Otherwise your silence will be misinterpreted& your intentions (however procrastinated) doubted.

I understand what you are saying, and i am not saying we just put things off and i leave it up to her. We have to talk and be honest and i have to commit to her. I don't however like putting a two week time limit on a 9year realtionship, in which she has to decide one way or another which way it is going to go. The only reason i am not up trying to tell her how i feel everyday is that her fiend said to me that she needs time. My own family know exactly how i feel about her, and i am meeting her sister later who i knew before my girlfriend to have a chat and tell her exactly how i fell, how i have let things slip and how i am prepared to do anything not to loose this girl. I will hopefully get to see my OH in a few days to talk things through.