Getting over someone

LegacyUser

A few weeks ago myself and my boyfriend split up. We don't live in the same county so no chance of running into each other. I am absolutely devastated. I have lost about a stone in a matter of weeks, am lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I have the shakes and am completely crumbling. If I contact him, i'll come across as desperate and needy so i'm not going to. But I miss him so much. I cant live my life like this. I've lost all desire to do anything. I'm trying to get out there with my friends and move on but I am in actual pain. I loved him so much. I don't think he feels the same. I know they say time heals all wounds. But how the hell do I get over this? I thought we'd spend our lives together. I can't stop crying and i'm mentally and physically exhausted. We have to see each other soon for something.. I'm absolutely dreading it and I don't know how im going to hold it together. I'm afraid to feel hopeful.. I know in my heart that he doesn't feel the same. But I feel like i can't move on and I can't get rid of the hope. Please help me.

B.P.D.iva

To custardcreams? sorry if i got your user name wrong. I totally know how you are feeling at this moment in time..I met a really great guy.. we had been together 3 months. He made lots of time for me, texting good morning and silly stuff like that, but it made such a difference to my day that someone was actually happy to be with me. so I thought we were getting serious, so I explained to him, that I had Borderline Personality Disorder..and sent him lots of information on the subject, he was so understanding, and said he would always be there to help me, even if he didn't understand the illness. But on Thursday after we spent a fantastic evening together, I got the train back home, feeling happy and loved for the first time in years..he dumped me a few hours later. I have been trying not to read into too much, but I can't help it...so this evening, I burnt all his letters, deleted text messages etc. deactivated my accounts and deleted his number, so I can stop myself from texting him and making things worse for myself. I did go through two days of self harming, which did help relieve a lot of unwanted pain and emotions..all I can say to you, is you deserve better, and one day someone will come along and be there for you when you need them most. The nights are the worst, you feel lost, scared, rejected and helpless. you are not alone and if you need to chat feel free to do so..hope you start to feel better soon x

Faith

You poor thing . I'm in the same situation, but a few weeks ahead of you. I honestly think there's hardly anything worse than heartbreak. It's just so devastating.

I met my ex a couple of times after we broke up, and every time I was secretly convinced that he was going to fall to his knees and beg me back. I think everyone's the same. Of course, he didn't, and I felt horrific afterwards. I think you just have to go through it. You have to see him and have your hope crushed . Then you come out the other side.

The very best thing you can do is just keep busy. Spend as much time as possible with friends and family, and throw yourself into living life. It's so difficult, I know, but it honestly is the best way through it. Cry when you need to, just get it all out of you. I found posting on boards was invaluable. In forums like the Ladies Lounge, there's always some lovely person there to offer comfort when you need it, and there's plenty of threads both here and there from others going through the same thing. If you have any hobbies that you've been meaning to take up, now is a great time to do it.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but the truth is that healing comes with time. It's really, really, really slow to begin with, but then all of a sudden it starts to get faster. The first few weeks just feel like you're stuck in this black hole of grief and it feels like you'll never be happy again. Then you start taking one step forward and two steps back. Eventually you're taking two/three/four steps forward with the occasional step back.

It will get better, I promise.

B.P.D.iva

oh god yeah I totally agree..I am an artist..so I finally managed to get some sketches done..had a few days when i couldn't concentrate..very annoying lol..so I am going home to me mammy for a bit and for some company and laughs and stuff..tis hard work being in love thanks for your lovely message..this has certainly helped me to talk about these issues..I normally bottle everything up, and then go off on a mad rages etc...but I am now getting that under control..plus walking is good for letting off steam...and music!! music is my drug teehee..thanks again for those kind words

Lynnsie

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I know it seems like it will never end. You're going through the hardest part now and you should be proud that you haven't contacted him and you're not sitting in wallowing about it, you're getting out and trying to enjoy yourself.I know you're saying "I can't live my life like this" and I used to have the exact same thoughts, but you won't live your life like this because this is temporary, you will get through it and you're already being very strong.

You're probably sick of hearing that it takes time and to keep busy but these really are the main things to bear in mind. I remember being in your position and hearing over and over that "time heals all wounds" and thinking that it can't possibly heal something this awful, the physical ache, the not sleeping, not eating, not concentrating. But it does and you'll find yourself gradually crying less, sleeping more, eating better and the bad days will get further and further apart.

Try not to bottle things up, have someone that you can talk to. Take good care of yourself, try to eat, exercise and get loads of fresh air even if you don't feel like it.

Try not to focus too much on what will happen when you have to meet him and remember that no matter what happens, you will get through it because if you've gotten through the last few weeks you'll get through anything!

It will get better, even though it doesn't seem like it - there are loads of people on these boards who can tell you that. Just take one day at a time, don't look too far ahead.

Don't be hard on yourself, it's early days and you're doing great.

LighterGuy

To be honest... I dont think we get over the people we really liked until we find someone else.

LegacyUser

Thank you to all whos replied. People don't take me seriously cos i'm so young. Only 24 and he's 29. They say i've years left to meet someone. But what if all you want is that person. I will take the advice that i've been given here. I come from a small town so I feel a bit claustrophobic with it all.

Glenshane Pass

For some reason when going through a breakup we expect it to be a faster process than what it is. I sometimes beat myself up at how little I have moved on - but then I realise it has only been a couple of months, which is absolutely nothing when put into perspective.

No doubt this time next year you'll look back and feel nothing.

Faith

custardcream wrote: »

Thank you to all whos replied. People don't take me seriously cos i'm so young. Only 24 and he's 29. They say i've years left to meet someone. But what if all you want is that person. I will take the advice that i've been given here. I come from a small town so I feel a bit claustrophobic with it all.

This too shall pass.

I'm not going to lie to you, I've been broken up with my ex for nearly 3 months now and I still think about him all the time. I compare every guy I meet to him and think "Ah they're not as tall/thin/beardy/have as good hair as him", and I do find it very difficult to imagine being in a relationship with someone else (and I'm not sure I particularly want a relationship with anyone else yet). But despite that, I'm still getting out there and meeting guys. Maybe nothing comes of it, but it feels amazing to know that the possibility of something happening exists. And oddly I've never been hit on as often as I have in the past few weeks. My best friend was back from the UK for the weekend, having not seen me since a week after the break up, and she was shocked by how confident I was. She said I'm a completely different person now to who I was a year ago. So as much as the break up crushed me, I'm building myself back up into someone way better. And the same thing will happen for you.

You say you're feeling claustrophobic - could you get away for a few days or a week? Not even go abroad, just go to a different town/city for a while. Just give yourself physical distance from everything. BTW I'm 23, so don't let anyone pretend your age means you shouldn't be hurting.

Dudess

custardcream wrote: »

I have lost about a stone in a matter of weeks, am lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I have the shakes and am completely crumbling... I can't stop crying and i'm mentally and physically exhausted.

Might be worth booking an appointment with your GP if the above continues for much longer. You poor thing - many of us know the feeling only so well and it is an absolute nightmare, but it does get better. I know that seems impossible right now, but it really, really does. You'd be amazed.

Glenshane Pass

Yeh don't rule out seeing a doctor or better still a counsellor, does the world of good.

m@cc@

custardcream wrote: »

A few weeks ago myself and my boyfriend split up. We don't live in the same county so no chance of running into each other. I am absolutely devastated. I have lost about a stone in a matter of weeks

This is a positive thing and it will make things easier in the long run. If you are not eating properly then I'd recommend taking a meal supplement to keep your nutrition up. What do you have to see each other soon for? Can it be done by phone or e-mail?

Faith wrote: »

But despite that, I'm still getting out there and meeting guys. Maybe nothing comes of it, but it feels amazing to know that the possibility of something happening exists. And oddly I've never been hit on as often as I have in the past few weeks. My best friend was back from the UK for the weekend, having not seen me since a week after the break up, and she was shocked by how confident I was. She said I'm a completely different person now to who I was a year ago. So as much as the break up crushed me, I'm building myself back up into someone way better.

This is very true. I'm about about 3 months down the line since my break up and I have to say at the time I never envisaged being this alive, certainly not this soon anyway. Last week a girl literally insisted that I take her number, this has NEVER happened to me so it gave me a little bit of kick just to be back in the game like that.

all4nothingxx

Hey Op.... i am so so so so Sorry you are going through this... i am of similar age to you and i am recently broken up wit my ex of 4 and half years ago about 2 months ago. I went through all the symptoms you have experienced. even spendin days in bed just watchin tv and thinkin life will never be the same. But there comes a time that you will experience very soon that you realise you need to move on in your life and start experiencing single life.. I know it sounds scary now but believe me its amazing how much you learn about yourself during times like this. I totally agree with you age should not come into this, just because were young does not mean we experience love in a different way.. Surround yourself wit friends and family and they will help alot and talk about it when you want to... You will have some down days and im still experiencing those but eventually you will start getting back into roueteine... When you start goin out again it is amazing how much confidence you can get, your first few nights out you may want to feel like just goin home but it does get easier. Take care of yourself and take time for YOU!!

LegacyUser

I was about your age when I had an experience like yours - my mam used to tell me "you cant see the wood for the trees" and she was 100% right. Because you are in the thick of it now you cant see the opportunities you have or feel happy. It is completely normal.

It does take time. It will fade and pass.
It just takes time - something unfortunately that gives you no consolation or comfort right now.

When I had my first big break up at your age I too went through basically the same thing - I kid you not even having a shower was too much for me. I learned that to get through something like this you need 3 things, 1. Eat, 2. Sleep when you can 3. Wash yourself/keep fresh. If you do those basic things you will cope a little better.

I even went to the doctor at one stage for sleeping tablets (she gave me 5 - I ended up taking 1 and it kinda gave me a bit of persepective that I felt so heart broken I needed a sleeping tablet - I worked through it). I used to wake middle of night and not go back to sleep. Ugh I really feel for you.

The upside is that hind sight is a great thing and one very hard and bad experience like mine above gave me perspective on things. I have no doubt you will get through this. Just give yourself a little time.