No course of action

Viridian

Hey guys, I have a fairly major girl problem which I've been stuck with for the past... year or so I think. It'll be easier if I start at the beginning. [In order to keep her identity anon I'll refer to her as X.

Cut back 2 years to when I was in Leaving Cert year, met X through Art class. She was a year below me but I was quite the arty farty kinda guy and would doss around the art room constantly heping out my art teach with the younger years. I managed to get her number off a mutual friend and after texting her for a few weeks I asked her out with her responding with a resounding YES!

After being together 4 months we had sex, now before this neither of us had much sexual experience so we lost our virginities to each other which was great! But after about a month we decided that it was going too fast and we didn't have sex again for 6-7 months.

Now after being together about 15 months she went on holiday to America to see relatives, she was gone for a month but we kept in contact via Skype and all that jazz. After she came back things were fine for about a month, pretty much back to normal. Then one night she sat me down and said that she couldn't be with me anymore. Not much of an explanation was given other than that she "Needed to be alone to grow as her own person, and not part of a couple".

I was devastated of course, as this scewed up a lot of things. Firstly I was head over heels in love with this girl, and I still am. Secondly I was closer to her as a friend than I was or have ever been with anyone else.

Three weeks later X was going out with, lets call him Y. What a prick. Apparently this just "happened" [This was around October 2009]. Every now and again she'd text me saying that things weren't going well and that she missed me and all sorts of crap. I was heartbroken.

I tried going out with other girls to try and force myself to move on, the longest of which lasted 3 weeks. Simply because I couldn't handle being with anyone other than X. After I broke up with my rebound, which I now realise was a dumb thing to do in the first place, X called me up to see if I wanted to stay at hers and watch a movie or something. I shot over there convinced that things were going to work themselves out. [X and the douchebag had broken up due to him constantly treating her like a doormat.]

Things were great, we were connecting fantastically and we ended up having sex. The arrangement of me going over there and stuff happening continued for about... a month? Maybe more. Then I eventually asked her to get back together with me, because the constant problem of my parents being **** [I had now moved out, and so had she, both of us now living in Dublin], and me being wholly messed up due to countless fights with them and me being a moody git 90% of the time was over. She said that she couldn't be with me YET, but she DID still love me.

After a while we stopped seeing each other until recently, where she said to me, and I quote: "I wasted my time on Y. I was trying to have with him what we just didnt have and it backfired insanely.I never stopped loving you and I never loved him. I would get back with you in a heartbeat but it would never be how I want it" And when I asked how that is, she said "Perfect".

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO IN REGARDS TO THIS GIRL. HELP ME.

Denimgirl

Ask her to define perfect?keep your cool here she's sayingone thing then another hand saying another, don't appear to be needy just stay cool.it takes 2 people to make a relationship "perfect" if there is such a thing as one I don't think so though! but ask her to explain what she means by that? and just see what she says

ManOfMystery

She's a head wrecker, avoid.

There's no such thing as a 'perfect' relationship unless you believe 100% in romance novels and rom coms. ALL relationships have ups and downs, it's all part of the fun.

Faith

It sounds like she'll never be happy or satisfied, and you'll drive yourself mad trying to cater to her. It's hard, but the best thing you can do is forget about her and move on. You'll find someone you love just as much, who doesn't wreck your head and demand the impossible.

Micahelxcx

Sounds like you are both too immature to form a lasting relationship. She's your first real love and you probably dumped your friends to be with her all of the time. Bad mistake!

She says she loves you but doesn't think it will work out with you.
Well that's quite an insulting thing to say. She wants the 'perfect' relationship. Hello. Wake up. There is no relationship that is perfect.

Bot of you need to develop your respective personalities and I would advise breaking off all contact between you for six months. Get out and live, meet up with past friends and start enjoying what life has to offer.

You are both probably late teens or very early twenties and I know from experience that you are way too young to be getting involved in a serious relationship. Meet other guys and girls, go out on dates, enjoy the occasion. Get involved in interests, hobbies, work hard at college. Travel.

Meet up after 6 months and see how you both feel towards each other.
If you are still made about one another then start a relationship, if not, just be buddies and move on.
Life is too short.

Wibbs

Viridian wrote: »

Then one night she sat me down and said that she couldn't be with me anymore. Not much of an explanation was given other than that she "Needed to be alone to grow as her own person, and not part of a couple".

Might be true but TBH I call shenanigans on that. Its a well worn line that one. Hell Ive used it myself back in the day. Translation in my case was "Yea I like you and it was OK while it lasted, but I dont like you enough to continue". As I say that was just me....

Three weeks later X was going out with, lets call him Y. What a prick. Apparently this just "happened" [This was around October 2009].

Maybe it just happened but the cynic in me and experience reckons nope. I'd put good money Y was in the picture, even if only as a potential, when you got the "I need to be alone" spiel. So she apparently loved you, needed a break to sort herself out, yet a couple of weeks later she finds being in a couple a good bet, but it ain't with you? Does not compute. Well it does, but not in a good way for you.

Every now and again she'd text me saying that things weren't going well and that she missed me and all sorts of crap. I was heartbroken.

Which made you safety net guy. If things weren't going well and she missed you, why was she with him and not you?

I tried going out with other girls to try and force myself to move on, the longest of which lasted 3 weeks. Simply because I couldn't handle being with anyone other than X. After I broke up with my rebound, which I now realise was a dumb thing to do in the first place,

Yea not a good plan. Understandable, but too much risk of hurting an innocent party.

X called me up to see if I wanted to stay at hers and watch a movie or something. I shot over there convinced that things were going to work themselves out. [X and the douchebag had broken up due to him constantly treating her like a doormat.]

OK grand. Took her time to spot this, but grand.

Things were great, we were connecting fantastically and we ended up having sex. The arrangement of me going over there and stuff happening continued for about... a month? Maybe more. Then I eventually asked her to get back together with me, because the constant problem of my parents being **** [I had now moved out, and so had she, both of us now living in Dublin], and me being wholly messed up due to countless fights with them and me being a moody git 90% of the time was over. She said that she couldn't be with me YET, but she DID still love me.

So you were meeting up, sharing emotional stuff, doing the wild thang, but she didnt want to make it official? Again I call shenanigans.

After a while we stopped seeing each other until recently, where she said to me, and I quote: "I wasted my time on Y. I was trying to have with him what we just didnt have and it backfired insanely.I never stopped loving you and I never loved him. I would get back with you in a heartbeat but it would never be how I want it" And when I asked how that is, she said "Perfect".

OK this may sound harsh and it is only my opinion but here goes.... "I was trying to have with him what we just didnt have and it backfired insanely" Translation "I liked you as a person, but just didnt feel that Zing sexually/romantically. I did feel that with Y but I didnt get the emotional support I get from you". "I would get back with you in a heartbeat but it would never be how I want it". Translation "I just dont feel the spark with you". Now maybe she wishes she did and all that and hence she keeps you in play.

That's best case scenario though. I strongly suspect if Y wasnt as much of a muppet, she would have kept you in the background to make up the perfect relationship with two people. Common enough. If Y had been more like you I also suspect she would have disappeared from your life.

I dont think she doesnt know what she wants. I think she does and its neither you nor Y long term, so until Mr Z comes along to tick all her boxes she'll keep looking and keep you in play as a safety net until then.

TL;DR? My advice is she's thinking of what she wants and not what anyone else does. She doesnt fancy you enough to make it official. Scrape her off and find a woman out of the billions on this planet that will.