Will people think I'm a pervert?

LegacyUser

Hello. I'm a member of Boards but I'm not going to use my real ID for this.

I'm a man in my thirties. Like any other man I think about sex. I don't think about it every four seconds or any of that, but I do think about it. As I have no other outlet I sometimes look at porn on the net. This isn't something I want everyone to know about but last night I did something kind of stupid. I found the Facebook page of a porn star and sent her a friend request. I'm not sure what I even hoped to achieve by doing this. She hasn't accepted yet but I'm guessing she accepts pretty much anyone as she has over 600 friends. I'm worried that if the name of a porn star appears on my page all my other Facebook friends are going to think I'm a weirdo. Although I only have a small number of friends on Facebook that I know from the internet another worry is that my sister uses Facebook. Although I never told my sister I'm a member of Facebook if she ever found out she'd more than likely send me a friend request. I don't use my real surname but I do use my first name and a real photo of me so I'd be recognisable to anyone that knows me.

My biggest worry is that there's a woman on the internet that I care deeply about. I 'met' her on a chatroom six years ago and we would talk all night. I planned on meeting up with her but it didn't work out. I even thought about asking her to marry me but that never happened. I don't think we'll ever meet up now. I still care deeply about her though. Sometimes I don't hear from her for months at a time because of various reasons. Sometimes she has health problems and sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking to anyone (including me). It's not unusual for me to phone her every night for a month or two and get no reply. I haven't heard from her now since sometime in February. Even before that I had only heard from her a couple of times in the last year. She has changed her phone number now and the one she gave me last time we talked doesn't work. She has also stopped using her computer so won't receive any emails. I sent her a real letter through the post a couple of months ago but got no reply. Although I'm worried about her, it has happened before that I would not hear from her in almost a year so I'm hoping that she's alright. However I am worried about what she'll think of me when she sees I've added a porn star on Facebook. Although it's not likely that this relationship will ever go beyond the internet and phone calls I still don't want to mess it up.

I know this is a long rambling post but my main question is will people think I'm a pervert for adding a porn star to my Facebook friends? Or is this the kind of thing anyone even notices?

peasant

I don't think that people would necessarily think that you're a pervert as such, but the words "naive" and "foolish" do spring to mind alright.

All sorts of people (employers among them) search the internet these days for peoples' profiles ...being in your thirties you should be clever enough to keep your profile middle of the road and "marketable" so to speak.

spinandscribble

the only people who will know on your facebook that shes a porn star will be people who know her name. If they do know her name they probably watch her porn too. If its bothering you just cancel the friend request.

Set your profile to private so your friends won't be seen by others, that way if you do add the porn star as a friend you can delete her before you accept your sisters friend request, if she adds you.

I wouldn't worry about the girl on the internet and what she thinks of you. I doubt if she's not speaking to you and has changed her number she cares who you add or accept on facebook.

Dwn Wth Vwls

Simplest solution is to just cancel the friend request.

Account (top right) > Edit Friends > All Connections (top left) > Find her in the list and it should have a button to cancel it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it.

spinandscribble wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about the girl on the internet and what she thinks of you. I doubt if she's not speaking to you and has changed her number she cares who you add or accept on facebook.

I don't think she has actually stopped speaking to me as such. It's more that she isn't speaking to anyone. I know she sometimes doesn't even feel like speaking to her family and friends (due to feeling depressed). Giving me the wrong phone number was an accident. She has phoned me once since she changed her number but I totally forgot to get her new number again.

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Simplest solution is to just cancel the friend request.

Account (top right) > Edit Friends > All Connections (top left) > Find her in the list and it should have a button to cancel it.

Thanks. I followed your suggestion. I did send her a message with the friend request though. Hopefully she gets so many messages she won't even notice. I think I'll change my privacy settings anyway as I'm not really that interested in people I know finding me.

OS119

i'm not being horrible mate, but read through this, and see if you think that anyone would describe you as having 'issues' soley because you have some Z list porn star as a FailBook friend?

Can't think of a name wrote: »

My biggest worry is that there's a woman on the internet that I care deeply about. I 'met' her on a chatroom six years ago and we would talk all night. I planned on meeting up with her but it didn't work out. I even thought about asking her to marry me but that never happened. I don't think we'll ever meet up now. ...It's not unusual for me to phone her every night for a month or two and get no reply... She has changed her phone number now and the one she gave me last time we talked doesn't work... She has also stopped using her computer so won't receive any emails....

sorry, but nobody who sees that behaviour in you is going to be remotely concerned about your friends list on failbook - they will be worried about you failing in love with women you've never met and then failing to notice that they're hiding from you.

you my friend need help - professional help to get you out of whatever the hell rut you're in.

read that quoted bit again - if you read that in a newspaper you'd think 'fcuking nutcase' - this should be an indicator to you that that you're acting in a way you probably don't want to be acting, and you should put down the PC now, and ring your GP.

good luck.

Magenta

Can't think of a name wrote: »

Hello. I'm a member of Boards but I'm not going to use my real ID for this.

I'm a man in my thirties. Like any other man I think about sex. I don't think about it every four seconds or any of that, but I do think about it. As I have no other outlet I sometimes look at porn on the net. This isn't something I want everyone to know about but last night I did something kind of stupid. I found the Facebook page of a porn star and sent her a friend request. I'm not sure what I even hoped to achieve by doing this. She hasn't accepted yet but I'm guessing she accepts pretty much anyone as she has over 600 friends. I'm worried that if the name of a porn star appears on my page all my other Facebook friends are going to think I'm a weirdo. Although I only have a small number of friends on Facebook that I know from the internet another worry is that my sister uses Facebook. Although I never told my sister I'm a member of Facebook if she ever found out she'd more than likely send me a friend request. I don't use my real surname but I do use my first name and a real photo of me so I'd be recognisable to anyone that knows me.

My biggest worry is that there's a woman on the internet that I care deeply about. I 'met' her on a chatroom six years ago and we would talk all night. I planned on meeting up with her but it didn't work out. I even thought about asking her to marry me but that never happened. I don't think we'll ever meet up now. I still care deeply about her though. Sometimes I don't hear from her for months at a time because of various reasons. Sometimes she has health problems and sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking to anyone (including me). It's not unusual for me to phone her every night for a month or two and get no reply. I haven't heard from her now since sometime in February. Even before that I had only heard from her a couple of times in the last year. She has changed her phone number now and the one she gave me last time we talked doesn't work. She has also stopped using her computer so won't receive any emails. I sent her a real letter through the post a couple of months ago but got no reply. Although I'm worried about her, it has happened before that I would not hear from her in almost a year so I'm hoping that she's alright. However I am worried about what she'll think of me when she sees I've added a porn star on Facebook. Although it's not likely that this relationship will ever go beyond the internet and phone calls I still don't want to mess it up.

I know this is a long rambling post but my main question is will people think I'm a pervert for adding a porn star to my Facebook friends? Or is this the kind of thing anyone even notices?

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you are stalking this woman. She doesn't answer you through phone, email or letter because she doesn't want to talk to you.
Stopped using her computer??? Who "stops using their computer"???

LegacyUser

Magenta wrote: »

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds like you are stalking this woman. She doesn't answer you through phone, email or letter because she doesn't want to talk to you.
Stopped using her computer??? Who "stops using their computer"???

I'm not stalking her. I've written her one letter in the last few months and wrote one email (which she won't have read). For all I know the letter may have been lost in the post. Maybe not but either way I haven't written any more letters. I'm pretty sure stalkers are usually more persistant than that. If she didn't want to talk to me she could tell me and I'd never contact her again.

She had various computer problems so stopped going online. We did talk on the phone a few times a week for months even when she wasn't online, and before you ask a lot of those times she was the one who phoned me. I'm not sure why the idea of not using a computer for a few months seems like that strange a concept.

I once didn't hear from her for about nine months. During that time I didn't phone her or contact her online but she eventually just phoned me out of the blue.

OS119

sorry mate, but ringing somebody everyday for two months without getting an answer is stalking - end of.

she may be the kind of fruitbat who occasionally contacts her stalker, but there's no doubt which way the prevailing wind is blowing.

gloss over the fact that you thought about asking someone you'd never met to marry you and focus on some minor technical issue about the natrure of her broadband problem - that my friend, is the indicator that something has gone very wrong in your situational analysis....

StormWarrior

You say she's depressed and it's true that when someone is depressed they may not feel much like socialising, but this is way beyond that. She is very clearly not interested in you. If she wanted you in her life, she'd bother to stay in touch. If she liked you well enough to marry, no way would she lose contact with you for so long. People on the internet are often not the same people they are in real life, no matter how long you've been chatting to her online, YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW HER! And it really sounds like she doesn't want to know you and I agree with those who say it sounds like you are stalking her. I know you don't agree, but stalkers rarely agree that they are stalkers! Just forget her and get a real life!

As for the porn thing, I don't use facebook personally but if I did and saw a 30-odd year old man who collected porn stars as his so-called "friends" I'd just think he was a total saddo.

johanz

Oh facebook, ruining people's relationships since the beginning.

Dan Chipowski

Whatever about you 'stalking' her or not, it's clear your 'friend' from the internet is giving you the run around, so i'd delete all her contact details and stop being such a fool for her.

As for adding a porn star......I don't see much harm in it myself, but if you think your sister or other friends would have a problem with it, then don't do it.

LegacyUser

I'm not sure why I'm defending myself as I've sorted out the problem I originally asked about but here goes.

This woman I met online and I would talk every night for weeks or even months. She would give me no indication that anything was wrong and then she would stop answering her phone. I would try phoning her for a few weeks and then give up. She would then phone me after a few months and we would talk every night again for a while. She would never give any indication she didn't want to stop talking to me. A lot of times when she stopped answering my calls it was because there was a problem. One time she thought her father was going to die, another time she thought she was seriously ill. Sometimes she is just depressed. Actually she does already have health problems and I'm concerned about her. If she wanted to get rid of me she could just tell me she's alright but she doesn't want to talk to me and I wouldn't contact her again.

She phoned me to give me her new phone number. She didn't have to do this. The fact that It was the wrong number was purely an accident. It may even have been me who wrote it down wrong. She has phoned me once since then and I totally forgot to ask her number again. Since then I have sent her one letter and one email.

Like I said I'm not sure why I'm defending myself but I want to clarify that I'm not a stalker. I obviously regretted adding the porn star and I have since deleted the friend request I sent. I don't 'collect' porn stars as friends. This was one mistake that I made last night and subsequently regretted.

I'm by no means perfect but I'm not a stalker. I just wanted a little advice which thankfully a couple of people have given. However If throwing insults and accusations about being a stalker at someone makes you feel better about yourselves then go ahead.

StormWarrior

Well, what do you expect? You are rather changing your tune now. The impression you gave in the first post is totally different from the last. If what you say in the last post is the way it is, then why don't you just ask her outright? None of us know her or what she is thinking. The only way you will ever solve this is by telling her exactly what you think, eg -

"I really care about you as more than a friend, I could see us married one day, do you feel the same? If so, can we stay in regular contact from now on?"

She's not a mindreader, maybe she just doesn't care about you as much as you do her, and so only contacts you when she has nothing else to do? Either way it really sounds like she is not that into you, if you really really liked someone, you'd stay in contact with them even if you were having problems.

aidan24326

Look, in realtion to the pornstar thing you're sweating over nothing. Even if she accepted your friend request, it would take you all of a few seconds to remove her from your friends list if it bothered you.

You may not be a stalker as such, but don't you think it a little odd that you thought about wanting to marry a girl you've never even met? No offence but you really need to get out and start meeting real people. And no, don't bother to add pornstars to your friends list. Not because of what anyone else will think (who cares it's your business) but quite simply because you don't know the person and never will, so what's the point.

!!!

I didn't even read all of this to be honest but regarding the porn star friend thing - don't be ridiculous! People won't even bat an eyelid. C'mon like, it's all fun!

kjl

Can't think of a name wrote: »

It's not unusual for me to phone her every night for a month or two and get no reply. I haven't heard from her now since sometime in February. Even before that I had only heard from her a couple of times in the last year. She has changed her phone number now and the one she gave me last time we talked doesn't work. She has also stopped using her computer so won't receive any emails.

No you are not a pervert for adding a porn star as a friend, You do come across as a stalker here though.

Take the hint, she doesn't want to talk to you anymore. No offence but you sound deranged when you talk about this girl, you have never met her and you want to marry her. Come dude, switch off the computer and go out and get a real life.

tenchi-fan

I couldn't stop cringing when reading your post :O
I think you should cancel your internet subscription and get out a bit more.

StormWarrior

Can't think of a name wrote: »

My biggest worry is that there's a woman on the internet that I care deeply about. I 'met' her on a chatroom six years ago and we would talk all night. I planned on meeting up with her but it didn't work out. I even thought about asking her to marry me but that never happened. I don't think we'll ever meet up now. I still care deeply about her though. Sometimes I don't hear from her for months at a time because of various reasons. Sometimes she has health problems and sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking to anyone (including me). It's not unusual for me to phone her every night for a month or two and get no reply. I haven't heard from her now since sometime in February. Even before that I had only heard from her a couple of times in the last year. She has changed her phone number now and the one she gave me last time we talked doesn't work. She has also stopped using her computer so won't receive any emails. I sent her a real letter through the post a couple of months ago but got no reply. Although I'm worried about her, it has happened before that I would not hear from her in almost a year so I'm hoping that she's alright. However I am worried about what she'll think of me when she sees I've added a porn star on Facebook. Although it's not likely that this relationship will ever go beyond the internet and phone calls I still don't want to mess it up.

OP, I know you feel you care about this woman but look through what you said in your first post:

1. Although she sometimes gets in contact with you, most of the time she doesn't bother and when she wants to talk to you again, she comes up with a ton of excuses as to why she didn't bother for so long. (which sounds like you're her back up plan when she has nothing else to do.)

2. She gives you the wrong phone number (unlikely to be an accident, really.)

3. She claims she's not using her computer (such a bad excuse that it really sounds like she wants you to realise that it's just a made up excuse and get the message)

4. You call her repeatedly and she doesn't reply.

5. You admit you don't think you'll ever meet her in real life.

I'm sorry OP but if the above is true then she has made it clear she's not into you, and you are stalking her. If you know you probably won't meet in real life, why are you even bothering? You spend so much time thinking about someone you've never met and you even want to marry her. I agree with the previous poster who suggested that you visit your GP. I don't want to sound mean and I know you don't want to hear it, but it sounds like you have a really unhealthy psychological problem, like some kind of obsession with this woman that is affecting your daily life. At any rate, she clearly doesn't like you anywhere near as much as you like her. From what you've said it sounds like she is avoiding you and hoping you will get the message and leave her alone. I think you should do that because if you continue trying to contact her, she could complain to the police, stalking is a crime now.

zxcvbnm1

Dude- you admit you can call her every night fir s couple of months and get no reply.
You also say you thought about asking her to marry you.

Read the above 2 statements objectively. Do you really believe this is normal behaviour for most people?

I'm sure you've justified your actions in your own head - or as a previous poster said, stalkers rarely consider themselves stalkers.
But if thus isn't stalker-ish behaviour them exactly what is?

Listen - I'm sure you're a fine fellow but for you're own good you've gotta stop living this fantasy in your head and out and socialise more.

And stop contacting this girl.

StormWarrior

btw OP, just to drive it home to you because I really think you need to hear it, I looked up the definition of stalking on wiki. Here is part of the definition:

Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and / or harassing of another person. Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions that occur over a period of time. Although stalking is illegal, the actions that contribute to stalking are usually legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. Such actions by themselves are not usually abusive, but can become abusive when frequently repeated over time.

Sound familiar?

LegacyUser

Any chance of locking this thread? While I know I did ask for opinions things like "you sound deranged get a life" aren't particularly helpful. Maybe I am in a bit of a rut but being repeatedly called a stalker isn't particularly helpful either. Posts such as

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I couldn't stop cringing when reading your post :O
I think you should cancel your internet subscription and get out a bit more.

cetainly aren't much help. A couple of replies were helpful and I appreciated them but I don't need any more 'advice'.