uh oh decision time...

LegacyUser

I've just been offered my dream job in South Africa.
Been with my bf three years, although fairly casually in that we dont live together, have seperate friends etc. We have a great sex life, and have fun together, but our relationship consists of going out alot, and having a laugh, I can't imagine what it would be like in a more serious way as we have very different outlooks on life. I'm a real workaholic, have a PHD and this whole career thing that I'm pursuing. He is laid back, didnt get a college education, works casual jobs as a labourer but hasn't been able to get one for a few months now. He's a good guy, very good guy, thinks the world of me, but his laid back attitude is nice but doesn't exactly bring home the bacon if you know what I mean...basically he's broke. He's fine with being broke...doesn't think money is important etc which is lovely but not realistic.
I haven't told him about the job yet...but I know he would love to go with me. He said as much in the past. He's never been anywhere and it would be an amazing experience for him. He has nothing much keeping him here. He thinks we can have a great life together.
But oh God...what to do!
I'm terrified about the move myself...moving away from my family and friends to a new tough job where I will have to give 100% in order to keep up. I don't know what the set up will be or how far my wages will stretch. If I bring him, what will he do while I'm working long hours? How will he be able to find work in a place where so many South Africans can't even find work?
I'd like it to work out but part of me thinks I should go without him...I'm not sure if I can cope with the added responisbility of bringing someone with me.
Or am I being totally unromantic and over thinking something that could be great?
Does anyone have any advice?
I'm stressed out, and I have 6 weeks to sort it out!!

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Congrats on the dream job!

Is there a compromise? You could move over, get settled, get to know the run of things and if you really miss him & he misses you and you are happy to show him the ropes of life in SA and possibly finance/subsidise him & he's okay with all of that, he can follow later?

S23

I don't want to be dismissive of your relationship as it has lasted 3 years but by your own admission its not overly serious. It consists of going out and having a good time and not a whole lot more.

You don''t live together and haven't had to deal with the more 'serious' parts of a relationship such as paying bills together etc...

Also, you by your own admission are a very career driven person and your education and job mean a lot to you.

These, while not being the only ones, are the main factors for me. So my advice is to go and take your dream job on your own.
The reasons why are pretty simple.

1) You've never lived together before and shacking up for the first time half the world away while you are trying to find your feet in a new job isn't a good time to start IMO
2) You have no idea if he will be able to support himself financially and possibly supporting someone, who is not a motivated person at the best of times, in a new country, with a new job on a new wage is a terrible idea IMO
3) If you don't just go for this job, it is your dream job after all, and pursue it 100% you will end up resenting him.

If he wants to go, and you are happy to be attached to him when you move there, then make sure he knows he has to do it under his own steam. Let him know he will have to fully support himself. If he can do that and you are happy to be with him in that case then is managable.

fungun

Romance vs Realism time Im afraid.

Can you see yourself marrying/staying with this person long term? If so then maybe bring them. Otherwise dont.

Have to say the entire thrust of your post sounds like you are late 20s/30, get on really well together but actually have quite different values. From the detail you post Id be worried about you feeling he is dragging you down a bit over there if you are struggling financially and he is not contributing. Might be ok at first but long term this might cause issues.

If its a long term job opportunity and you are considering essentially living there then the way to think about this is to picture your alternative lives in 5 or 10 years time whether you bring him or not, not how you would feel in 6 months.

Sounds to me from your post you already know the answer.

stackerman

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

Congrats on the dream job!

Is there a compromise? You could move over, get settled, get to know the run of things and if you really miss him & he misses you and you are happy to show him the ropes of life in SA and possibly finance/subsidise him & he's okay with all of that, he can follow later?

Good advice.

You can find out once in SA if there would be any chance of work for him, and the time apart would give you a better idea if you really want to make it work. Life is short, you would be MAD not to take this with both hands :eek:

krudler

Sometimes in life you have to be selfish, and I dont mean that in a degrading way. Look at it this way, years down the line if you stay here with him, and it doesnt work out or you find a job thats not as fulfilling or whatever, you'll only resent the fact you turned down your dream for a guy. Why not go, nd then he can come over for a few months later on, if its meant to work it will, if not, at least you'll have tried.

Miss Fluff

fungun wrote: »

Can you see yourself marrying/staying with this person long term? If so then maybe bring them. Otherwise dont.

That's it in a nutshell. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Then hell yeah he should come along if he is part of your future!

If not, then you need to break up with him and view this golden opportunity as a fresh start.

Denimgirl

you say he's a great guy but you never said you loved him or inlove with him!maybe say to him come with you for a month or so see if he can find work and then take it from there.it will proabably be best to have him with you as you go to a strange country too but only if it's for the right reasons and you actually really want the chao there.

m@cc@

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

Congrats on the dream job!

Is there a compromise? You could move over, get settled, get to know the run of things and if you really miss him & he misses you and you are happy to show him the ropes of life in SA and possibly finance/subsidise him & he's okay with all of that, he can follow later?

+1. I'd advise going out for a few weeks on your own to see how the land lies.

OS119

m@cc@ wrote: »

+1. I'd advise going out for a few weeks on your own to see how the land lies.

absolutely - get yourself sorted out in the job, new place, new social scene, then think about whether you really want your BF to move over.

a words of caution however: SA does have a 'backpacker' scene where young europeans are able to work in bars and backpacker hostels - but these jobs are transitional, not well paid and where the individuals have a 'shelf-life' - and your BF has, i would suggest, no chance whatsoever of picking up casual labouring work. i fear that without a skilled trade your BF is going to spend most of his time in SA unemployed.

if you can handle that - and pick up the tab, then fine, but if not...

myflipflops

I had a very similar decision a year ago.

I got offered a job 3000 miles from home that really appealed. It was a big step up in salary, experience, massive change in culture etc etc. I was in a relationship at the time that was shorter in length but arguably more serious than what you describe.

I weighed it all up and I took the job and came here on my own. It's been difficult but I think I made the correct decision.

You have to factor in lots of practical things. He probably won't be able to work so will be likely living off your wage. This could create resentment from both sides. You will be working plenty and challenging yourself in a new environment while meeting new people. It will be different for him as he is over there due to your development, not his own.

The big issue for me was something you posted - do i want to have to cope with the added pressure of bringing someone with me (and being financially responsible for them) when I'm already making a huge change in my life. The answer was a definite 'no'. I narrowed down my decision to either go on my own or stay and be with her.

At 25, I reckoned I wouldn't get too many more life/job opportunities like this. I had to take it. It's tough at times thinking back but I feel i made the correct decision.


I know he would love to go with me. He said as much in the past. He's never been anywhere and it would be an amazing experience for him. He has nothing much keeping him here. He thinks we can have a great life together.

Thse sentences stand out from your post. It seems that he would probably love the idea of travelling with you. You never state that it appeals to you. If this is true there's only one real choice for you.