Hate him so much right now!!!

LegacyUser

Hi All

So mad right now that I have to write this down! Brief history , with my partner 10 years, we have 3 beautiful kids. He has stayed at home with them while i work. I am really struggling to pay bills at the mo and he couldnt care less. ( he has always been like this, no respect for money at all). Recently I paid off credit card with saving to stop the mad interest I was paying. He also had a card on this account , now, the balance is back up to 3 grand, about €1200 of it him and it drives me mad, i cancelled his card and took him off the account, he got my pin, took out more. I cut up the credit card last week and now i find he has got into my online banking and transfered 100 from the cc to his account and taken it out!!! So mad I could kill him with my bare hands. We have had huge rows about this, always promising it wont happen again. He knew quite well i would find out this morn and surprise surprise his fone is off. I went away for the weekend and he took 300 off the card, no a penny to show for it when i got back, he said he got takeaways and treats for kids etc. Sooooo sick of struggling alone to keep our head above water , I have 3 kids but feels like 4.
Pressure is all on me and dont know how much more I can take . In other aspects he is great, brings and collects kids from school every day, takes them to thier after school activities, i get breakfast in bed at the weekends and its lovely, then he does something like this again and I hate him. The rollercoaster of emotions i go through in a week is killing me. Im 29 ffs ive enough on my plate withoput him adding to it. He is so hard to talk to , changes subject, roars over me etc. This cant go on, how do i explain what he is doing to me?????

LegacyUser

I don't think it's nice to cut up his cards and boss him around if he's spending the money on his family. Think about it, how would you feel if you were at home, you'd bought a few things for the kids and your husband came home in a temper and cut up your cards? If this was the situation, I'd be advising you to get away from him for your own safety!
On another note, how does he feel about the role reversal? He's at home while you're out working. This might explain why he roars over you when you argue. He might be stressed out by not having a job, take a deep breath and talk to him about it.
I know you're trying to hold down a job and rear three children at the same time, which is mighty tough and very commendable. But take a step back from the situation and see it for what it is. You're both going through a tough time at the moment, things will get better. Your partner sounds very supportive, and you're lucky he's at home helping you rear the children. As for the money, the two of you should sit down and discuss how much you have coming in each month, and how much you can spend.

Good luck

LegacyUser

I feel for you. Had similar trouble years ago but I dealt with it the wrong way.

Difference was that he was working and getting paid, though less than me. He kept putting the bank account into debt but what broke me was the third time he spent the deposit for a house that I'd saved.

Out of desperation I closed all the accounts and set up new ones in my own name, converted the debts into a loan and set up a standing order to pay them off. And then I told him what I'd done.

The finances were sorted and we did eventually buy a house.

But our marriage never recovered.

Don't do anything off your own bat, it has to be a mutual decision. I hear you that working this out together isn't happening and it's driving you crazy. But better in the long run if you keep at it now and struggle with it in the open rather than taking off and doing what I did.

Remember your husband is not earning but he needs money of his own and free access to it. He needs his dignity.

And he needs to know all the financial details, little as he may want to know them. After we eventually separated, my husband was amazed at how little I was earning. He always thought I was loaded and he was the underdog. I had always left payslips, tax returns etc lying openly on the table but he refused to deal with them after what I 'did to him'.

What I suggest is to contact an outside agency for help. Try the Family Mediation Service or MABS. Ring them first for advice. Then lay everything out on the table in front of independent people who are good at negotiating, and hopefully they'll help you both sort out a way of handling finances that leaves you both feeling that you're being treated fairly.

Ickle Magoo

So you paid off the credit card and now it's back up to 3k owing and 1200 of that was him? So the other 1800 was you and that's not an issue? Finances are either shared or they aren't - it's not fair to impose one rule for him and another for yourself just because you are the one working - something you are able to do in part because he's at home, I presume?

Sneaking around, taking a lot of money without discussing, etc, is not good but at the same time he shouldn't have to ask permission to get a bit of cash when you are away for the weekend - the guy deserves some financial freedoms. Hows about ripping up the credit card, get the pin/card no changed so it can't be used with any of the old info, set up a bill/mortgage account in your own name and get your wages paid into that, then set up two single accounts and split any spending money...?

The other thing that sounds like an issue is him not working, is that something you resent? Do you think it's time he started looking again? I think you have to separate the issue of his spending money and his not earning money and tackle each, one at a time.

Best of luck.

seamus

madmam wrote: »

now, the balance is back up to 3 grand, about €1200 of it him

And who spent the other €1800? The tooth fairy? 60% of your accumulated debt was *not* racked up by him - and you claim that he's the one with no respect for money?

i cancelled his card and took him off the account, he got my pin, took out more. I cut up the credit card last week and now i
....
he said he got takeaways and treats for kids etc.

So basically what you've done is agreed that he would stay at home and look after the kids and then you've subsequently cut off his access to family funds.

This is a partnership (I don't care if you're married or not). What you earn, you are earning for your family - You, him & your three kids. You're not earning money for you, so you can give a cut of it to him and your kids.

From his point of view, you have decided how, when & why he gets access to money and then you get mad at him when he takes some more. It's like something from the 1950's, except with the genders reversed. Of course he's going to get annoyed when you shout at him, and be petulant and rebellious about it.

Take this poster's advice:

Sybill wrote: »

Remember your husband is not earning but he needs money of his own and free access to it. He needs his dignity.

And he needs to know all the financial details, little as he may want to know them.

He should have equal access to all bank accounts, he should know the minutiae of the family's incomings and outgoings. Once a week, you sit down together and you do your budget, so that you know how much you have, how much you *need* to have in the account and to review any purchases *either* of you has made.

If any man posted here saying, "My stay-at-home wife keeps spending my money, even though I've cut off her access to my bank account and credit cards, what will I do?", he would be berated from a height, and rightly so. Treat your partner as a partner, not as a slave or a resource drain.

krudler

madmam wrote: »

Hi All

So mad right now that I have to write this down! Brief history , with my partner 10 years, we have 3 beautiful kids. He has stayed at home with them while i work. I am really struggling to pay bills at the mo and he couldnt care less. ( he has always been like this, no respect for money at all). Recently I paid off credit card with saving to stop the mad interest I was paying. He also had a card on this account , now, the balance is back up to 3 grand, about €1200 of it him and it drives me mad, i cancelled his card and took him off the account, he got my pin, took out more. I cut up the credit card last week and now i find he has got into my online banking and transfered 100 from the cc to his account and taken it out!!! So mad I could kill him with my bare hands. We have had huge rows about this, always promising it wont happen again. He knew quite well i would find out this morn and surprise surprise his fone is off. I went away for the weekend and he took 300 off the card, no a penny to show for it when i got back, he said he got takeaways and treats for kids etc. Sooooo sick of struggling alone to keep our head above water , I have 3 kids but feels like 4.
Pressure is all on me and dont know how much more I can take . In other aspects he is great, brings and collects kids from school every day, takes them to thier after school activities, i get breakfast in bed at the weekends and its lovely, then he does something like this again and I hate him. The rollercoaster of emotions i go through in a week is killing me. Im 29 ffs ive enough on my plate withoput him adding to it. He is so hard to talk to , changes subject, roars over me etc. This cant go on, how do i explain what he is doing to me?????

Does he stay at home because he's unemployed or was that the role you agreed on? reverse the roles and it'd be a standard marriage, husband works while wife stays at home and looks after the kids, but if he was cutting off the money she as using to spend on the kids he'd be a heartless fcuker. Weigh up what a childminder for 3 kids and splitting the time off from work you'd need to bring them to school and after school stuff every day and 1200 quid doesnt seem so much, and like was already pointed out, who spent the rest? You're his partner not his mother controlling his pocket money.

LegacyUser

I do hear what you are all saying and I can be a bit militant about things but he has just can't seem to understand how hard it is to keep everyone paid. I do not have any more money than he does at the end of the week. the 1800 on the card agreed between us andf used on all the family , his 1200 was never used by us and I have no idea where it went. i could have moeny in an account - say for a family holiday, i could have it there for months but as sson as he knows about it it is spend within days, money burns holes in his pockets. The utility bills are split betwwen us, my two are as up to date as i can mange and his one is about to cut us off. When i ask him does he care he shruggs his shoiulders and says ah sure noone is dying its not that serious!

I can be a bitch about things sometimes but i need someone who i can talk to about these things, althoogh how i approach things can be arseways. He knows how mad it makes me when he withdraws money off the credit card yet continues to do it.
We agreed he would stay at home with the kids and he does have a small income but after smokes and drink 4 / 5 nights a week his money is all gone

LegacyUser

From reading your story I would strongly recommend that you consider the fact that your partner is a gambler.

It sounds exactly like the behaviour of a gambling addict who will do anything to get money no matter how bad the consequences will be.

sadly I'm speaking from experience as I was like that myself years ago and I lost everything.

I know you will not agree with me, but all I'm asking it too consider it.

Miss Fluff

Him staying at home is obviously not working as an arrangement. For either of you. Would he be open to going back to full-time employment? You sound full of resentment and as soon as that creeps into a relationship you're on very shaky ground. I'd look at changing the situation asap so you can be on an equal footing. You should probably talk to MABS as well if you are struggling, they could look at putting a budget in place for you.

texas star

Hope Im wrong but also sounds like a gambler.