Clannish or rude?

LegacyUser

Hey going unreg for this one recently i was at a wedding with my gf, she has friends from a small town in ireland and it was one of these that was getting married. the only one i knew from the wedding was my girlfriend which was fine by me as i have no problem talking to strangers.

We were put sitting at a table with six people all from around the same area, i made every effort to talk to these people individually and as a group they replied usually with one word answers, anyway i tried this for around 3 hours before keeping my mouth shut. these people werent shy they were laughing and talking among each other just blanking me the people from the other side of the rooms were talking to me no problem, they came from less rural areas, now i had a arguement with my gf over this she said they were very freindly its just that they like to keep toegther, i just think thats cr*p its not being clannish its being rude! what does eveyone else think and has anyone been in a simular position who has a opinion on this?

the reason im asking is just to get the opinion as to wheter im being to hard on them.

krudler

It must have been a local wedding for local people.

Get what you mean though, its annoying sitting there while people laugh and joke amongst themselves and look at you like you've sprouted a second head and mutter pleasantries when you try to talk to them.

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

It must have been a local wedding for local people.

Get what you mean though, its annoying sitting there while people laugh and joke amongst themselves and look at you like you've sprouted a second head and mutter pleasantries when you try to talk to them.

I wish that was the case the bride was from dublin and the groom from the small town, it was very much a mixed wedding, i think they resented the fact that i was at their table, my gf and i were arguing over the fact that she thinks they were friendly people however i thought they were very rude even ignorant. it was not a samll town wedding they were in the majority and later in the night i spent more time over near the bar with other strangers from limerick, dublin ect and had no problem talking to them, which my gf didnt like me doing as she felt it made her look bad.

Cianos

Some groups are just like that. They're probably not trying to be actively rude, rather I think it happens when a group of people are just very used to interacting with each other and rarely with outsiders, there develops a very rigid group dynamic. If this bunch are from the country then they are probably very unused to talking with strangers one on one and as a group even more so.

So the group dynamic is very much predefined and when a 'stranger' is introduced, it is not that they are rejecting you for the sake of it, it is just that the group has become so formed that the group doesn't know how to behave given the new addition of an outsider. Further, it is usually the case that each individual within the group doesn't want to divert from the safety of the group, to go out on a limb and embrace the stranger, because it will again upset that rigid group dynamic. So it is easier to remain within the confines of the pack, and either wait for someone else to welcome in the stranger or if no one does, just continue as normal and avoid getting too involved in that undesirable role (e.g the one word answers let the individual respond while ducking back in to the safety of the group asap).

LegacyUser

Maybe they where not ignoring you, i was at a wedding the other day and a couple i did not know where on the far side to us, the 1 thing he said at the table over our way was in the middle of a conversation about boxing in the area and out of the blue the lad just blurted out a random boxing club and no more, im sure the lad he said it to felt rude as he did not know what to say in return and just said yes as the blurt made no sense!

The lad knows all about boxing and was talking about 1 specific club so the blurt out was weird and made no sense to anyone there-when the lad wanted to query did he have something to say about the blurted club the blurter lad was not around..

LegacyUser

its op wrote: »

I wish that was the case the bride was from dublin and the groom from the small town, it was very much a mixed wedding, i think they resented the fact that i was at their table, my gf and i were arguing over the fact that she thinks they were friendly people however i thought they were very rude even ignorant. it was not a samll town wedding they were in the majority and later in the night i spent more time over near the bar with other strangers from limerick, dublin ect and had no problem talking to them, which my gf didnt like me doing as she felt it made her look bad.

i meant to say they were in the minority and im well aware some people cant focus outside a certain group and are unwilling to do so but that to me is a excuse and a quite backward attitude (i have many friends from small towns who are quite friendly towards strangers) whatever the excuse i think these people were unfreindly, i might not seem that im seeking advice however theres a simular wedding coming up and those poeple will be there, maybe even more of them and aparantly me and my other half will be at their table again, i dont know if i can go to this

LegacyUser

wEiRd... wrote: »

Maybe they where not ignoring you, i was at a wedding the other day and a couple i did not know where on the far side to us, the 1 thing he said at the table over our way was in the middle of a conversation about boxing in the area and out of the blue the lad just blurted out a random boxing club and no more, im sure the lad he said it to felt rude as he did not know what to say in return and just said yes as the blurt made no sense!

The lad knows all about boxing and was talking about 1 specific club so the blurt out was weird and made no sense to anyone there-when the lad wanted to query did he have something to say about the blurted club the blurter lad was not around..

no man this was a while ago anyway i initiated most conversations, i didnt blurt out anything , however if the rest of the table talked about something like local events like boxing for example what chance does a stranger have for joining in?

the conversation at my table was, me: so john what do you do? ah do you like it ect ,
john: yes looks blankly for a few seconds then turns to person at other table so was peter with that blonde in the end on saturday night?

nyarlothothep

They're just insecure idiots who are weak enough to have a rigid group dynamic. Don't sweat about it.

Cheap Thrills!

They sound rude to me.

Firetrap

I'd call them rude. You were making the effort to talk to them but they didn't reciprocate it at all.

Chinafoot

Yes they sound rude but there is no point in fighting with your girlfriend over it.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

I'd call them rude. You were making the effort to talk to them but they didn't reciprocate it at all.

thanks, simular to wierds posts they were talking about local events the entire time i even tried to join in these but they had a very self orientated view about the conversation, they didnt seem to think understand that local events are local for a reason!

I cant stand these people and never want to see them again and this wedding is looming!

LegacyUser

Cianos wrote: »

Some groups are just like that. They're probably not trying to be actively rude, rather I think it happens when a group of people are just very used to interacting with each other and rarely with outsiders, there develops a very rigid group dynamic. If this bunch are from the country then they are probably very unused to talking with strangers one on one and as a group even more so.

So the group dynamic is very much predefined and when a 'stranger' is introduced, it is not that they are rejecting you for the sake of it, it is just that the group has become so formed that the group doesn't know how to behave given the new addition of an outsider. Further, it is usually the case that each individual within the group doesn't want to divert from the safety of the group, to go out on a limb and embrace the stranger, because it will again upset that rigid group dynamic. So it is easier to remain within the confines of the pack, and either wait for someone else to welcome in the stranger or if no one does, just continue as normal and avoid getting too involved in that undesirable role (e.g the one word answers let the individual respond while ducking back in to the safety of the group asap).

cianos thats not the point at all, yes it is easier to talk to only the group you came with but it isnt socially acceptable to do it all the time, the reason for blanking someone does not excuse the result, i well understand that some people are clannish but so what, its a backward and often rude way to be

Drops of Jupiter

Hi OP,

This happened to me once before also at a wedding. I was with a new boyfriend at the time so I didn't know anyone else apart from him. He was also from a very small village in an area of Ireland that is renowned for being clannish (don't want to say where!)

I made a huge effort at the table trying to make conversation with the others who were all from same area. Talk about extracting teeth! I think they were afraid they would miss something by engaging in conversation were busy keeping on eye on other tables in case they would miss some local gossip!

At the time I thought it was rude but I don't think it's deliberate. A lot of it I think is that they view outsiders with suspicision. I was being all breezy and chatty and I think they were wondering what's her angle here. why is she being so friendly? Best to keep quiet and not give anything away.

I also think that some of them just didn't have the best social skills (not being patronising by saying that) but they just aren't used to making small talk with strangers and rely on local gossip/stories as a way of chatting to others. If you are not on the inside track here then no point talking to you!

At the time I was quite surprised - didn't think that clannishness was so prevalent in Ireland still. My boyfriend didn't notice a thing - guess it was normal for him. I thought it was one of the worst weddings I have ever been to - he thought it the best! We are no longer together -go figure!!

What I would say is that it's not personal, so don't take is so but it can feel very unpleasant. Go and chat to the friendly people. You may notice that they may have warmed up a bit though for the second meeting!

LegacyUser

hey i had to write a replay to this i could have wrote what you wrote a year ago. i was at a wedding with my now ex girlfriend i was stuck at a table were i knew no one, im definatly a extrovert so i made every effort to talk to the people there only to be stared at.

these were the most ignorant people i have ever met and it was one of the worst weddings i have ever been at. my girlfriend who is also from a smaller area didnt seem to notice and unfortunatly i handled it badly by over drinking but op my advice would be not to go to the next wedding. it shocked me how unfriendly and clanish these people were a nightmare to be around and i would never put myself in that situation again. it lead to me and my ex breaking up, i wouldnt take it persoanlly but let your girlfriend know exactly how you feel.

LegacyUser

I would try not worry about it - there's every chance it may not be ignorance. These people are friends and due to busy lives may only get the chance to see each other very very seldomly, so when they do see each other they try and catch up and make the most of it when they can, maybe not even noticing that they were excluding you. Keep in mind that you are only at this wedding by association, so my advice would be to suck it up and laugh along in future.

LegacyUser

weddinggoer wrote: »

I would try not worry about it - there's every chance it may not be ignorance. These people are friends and due to busy lives may only get the chance to see each other very very seldomly, so when they do see each other they try and catch up and make the most of it when they can, maybe not even noticing that they were excluding you. Keep in mind that you are only at this wedding by association, so my advice would be to suck it up and laugh along in future.

well thats also not the case half them work with each other, they must have known at some stage that i was being ecluded i tried talking every 5 minutes for the first few hours, seldom see each other or not excluding someone from the conversation, i saw some of them the next day when they were on there was less of them there and the same thing happened, i have been at plenty of weddings even where i knew no one including a birthday last week were i knew no one, this was the exception.

I would not be worrying about it other than the fact that there is another wedding coming up again with the same people, at the same table aparantly im not sure i can put myself through that again, i know they were being clannish and some places are like that but thats no excuse for being rude and even if they werent being rude the effect was the same.

my girlfriend didnt notice how clannish they were , a memory that will forever stand out in my mind is me saying something like " *&^%$ sounds like a nice place to live" and having two lads stare back at me in a fashion that i only seen sheep do.

Micahelxcx

I attended two weddings recently. One was in Dublin, attended by country folk of the groom; while the other was in the south of the country - the rebel county.

Dublin wedding. I was sat with other members of my family at a table for 10. There were 5 Dubs and 5 country folk from Tipperary.
I introduced myself to them but they didn't introduce themselves to me. Just said hi.

The table could have been split in half. The Dubs on one side and the country folk on the other. Hardly a word crossed the table. Myself and my brother tried in vain to include them in conversation - Tipp hurling, rock of cashel etc, etc, small talk. All we got was monosyllabic answers from them. I was delighted to get away from that table. Oh I forgot to say they were all in their 20s and 30s.

Rebel county wedding. Table for ten. I attended with a gf. Didn't know anyone at the event. GF introduced me to her cork cousins at the table. Only one of them made an effort to make me feel comfortable. I am naturally chatty and enjoy talking about almost anything. But again, they talked amongst themselves. They were from a small town.
I gave up making an effort to chat before the main course was served.
My gf tried involving me in the conversation to no avail.
That night I told her her cousains were insular and rude. She agreed and said she was so embarrassed and she apologised.

I think lots of country folk feel insecure when meeting Dublin people. Why? I just don't know. But Dublin people are renowned for their friendliness and banter. Why do you think 25 counties always want the Dubs to be beaten in the GAA football Championship?

Immature and silly and very parochial.

Cianos

op again wrote: »

cianos thats not the point at all, yes it is easier to talk to only the group you came with but it isnt socially acceptable to do it all the time, the reason for blanking someone does not excuse the result, i well understand that some people are clannish but so what, its a backward and often rude way to be

err, I wasn't trying to excuse their behaviour I was just giving my opinion on what the causes of that kind of behaviour may be. If you don't want opinions on the causes and have already made your mind up about them being clannish and rude why start the thread at all?

LegacyUser

Cianos wrote: »

err, I wasn't trying to excuse their behaviour I was just giving my opinion on what the causes of that kind of behaviour may be. If you don't want opinions on the causes and have already made your mind up about them being clannish and rude why start the thread at all?

sorry cianos i thought you were excusing the behaviour i didnt mean to offend you with that, the reason i started the thread as i mentioned in later posts was to see was i alone in this and for people to offer tips as maybe there was something i did wrong, also to ask what should i do about the next wedding coming up, you have hit the nail on the head about the causes of that behaviour but that sort of attitude has no place in the 21st century

steddyeddy

Micahelxcx wrote: »

I attended two weddings recently. One was in Dublin, attended by country folk of the groom; while the other was in the south of the country - the rebel county.

Dublin wedding. I was sat with other members of my family at a table for 10. There were 5 Dubs and 5 country folk from Tipperary.
I introduced myself to them but they didn't introduce themselves to me. Just said hi.

The table could have been split in half. The Dubs on one side and the country folk on the other. Hardly a word crossed the table. Myself and my brother tried in vain to include them in conversation - Tipp hurling, rock of cashel etc, etc, small talk. All we got was monosyllabic answers from them. I was delighted to get away from that table. Oh I forgot to say they were all in their 20s and 30s.

Rebel county wedding. Table for ten. I attended with a gf. Didn't know anyone at the event. GF introduced me to her cork cousins at the table. Only one of them made an effort to make me feel comfortable. I am naturally chatty and enjoy talking about almost anything. But again, they talked amongst themselves. They were from a small town.
I gave up making an effort to chat before the main course was served.
My gf tried involving me in the conversation to no avail.
That night I told her her cousains were insular and rude. She agreed and said she was so embarrassed and she apologised.

I think lots of country folk feel insecure when meeting Dublin people. Why? I just don't know. But Dublin people are renowned for their friendliness and banter. Why do you think 25 counties always want the Dubs to be beaten in the GAA football Championship?

Immature and silly and very parochial.

I have simular experiences not to give all my views on how backward some outlooks are in ireland but there definatly is this small town attitude prevelant in society today, i have been at many simular weddings and functions, im a zoologist so i know many people involved in agriculture and rural areas do to work that i no longer take part in this country.

I left this area of work for this reason i found people in some areas (im talking about weddings) were closed off simply because i was from dublin! i have done work with native americans on reservations in america and found them less clannish!

i rejected the invitations to many weddings in certain areas simply because i knew no one and was ignored for basically the whole wedding, the last one i was at i talked and talked and as you say op got the lights are on but no ones home look, i have nothing against rural areas but i have a lot against rude people who have no horizons and time for people outside their litlle world.

steddyeddy

op leave people like this in their own litlle world im not sure what to do about the next wedding, did your gf not try and include you in the conversation?

steddyeddy

Micahelxcx wrote: »

I attended two weddings recently. One was in Dublin, attended by country folk of the groom; while the other was in the south of the country - the rebel county.

Dublin wedding. I was sat with other members of my family at a table for 10. There were 5 Dubs and 5 country folk from Tipperary.
I introduced myself to them but they didn't introduce themselves to me. Just said hi.

The table could have been split in half. The Dubs on one side and the country folk on the other. Hardly a word crossed the table. Myself and my brother tried in vain to include them in conversation - Tipp hurling, rock of cashel etc, etc, small talk. All we got was monosyllabic answers from them. I was delighted to get away from that table. Oh I forgot to say they were all in their 20s and 30s.

Rebel county wedding. Table for ten. I attended with a gf. Didn't know anyone at the event. GF introduced me to her cork cousins at the table. Only one of them made an effort to make me feel comfortable. I am naturally chatty and enjoy talking about almost anything. But again, they talked amongst themselves. They were from a small town.
I gave up making an effort to chat before the main course was served.
My gf tried involving me in the conversation to no avail.
That night I told her her cousains were insular and rude. She agreed and said she was so embarrassed and she apologised.

I think lots of country folk feel insecure when meeting Dublin people. Why? I just don't know. But Dublin people are renowned for their friendliness and banter. Why do you think 25 counties always want the Dubs to be beaten in the GAA football Championship?

Immature and silly and very parochial.

i hate to say it but id agree

LegacyUser

well what will i do about the next wedding, my gf doesnt seem to think that they were being unfriendly at the wedding?

helimachoptor

Was the wedding in Sligo by any chance...

Op some people just have no interest in speaking with people they dont know.

I was at a wedding on my Gfs friend, didnt know anyone at the table but one of the lads introduced himself there with his girlfriend and spent a good bit of time chatting to him for the night, it depends on the people i think.

LegacyUser

man man it wasnt in sligo and yes some people dont want to speak to people they dont know but the fact was it was at a wedding, at their table and i was making every effort to speak, i introduced myself to all the lads and only got a hi back, some people dont like speaking to strangers thats fair enough but if someone makes a effort its a bit offensive if its one sided

deisemum

My mother is a Dub that moved to the country she's such a snob and looks down her nose on most of our neighbours. She's far from friendly and most of the neighbours just ignore her now since my Dad died.

OP those people were rude and if it was me then I wouldn't bother going to that wedding.

I think it is a mistake, to punish your gf by not supporting her at her friends wedding.
Simply because you don't get on with this group.
Ask her to have the seating arrangements changed.
And do your best to not even look at them.

Denimgirl

no use arguing with your gf over this. some people keep to themselves and maybe wanted to stick with people they know.I'm more of a outgoing friendly girl but some people are just not as friendly as others, thats it really!I just would'nt make the effort with them again not that you'll see them again anyway!

Truley

helimachoptor wrote: »

Was the wedding in Sligo by any chance...

LOL I thought the exact same thing! I come from Sligo but lived in Dublin for years, I definately noticed the marked difference in friendliness between the two places. My theory is that people living in Dublin encounter new people on a regular basis so they have small talk, random conversation down to an art. When you come from a small town you're just not used to this and yes it does take practice.

I remember bringing a mate from Dublin down to my local pub in Sligo, and it was a big enough place. Well he thought nothing of sitting up at the bar and making banter with every Tom and Dick that came near him, they didn't know what to do with themselves, especially with his very different south Dublin accent. You could really tell they were confused, thinking he was either trying to be smart or sell them something! He found people very stand offish there but to be honest unless you have travelled or moved around people from small towns just aren't used to having conversations with strangers for the sake of it.

That said the people who you sat with sound very immature and rude and I don't think there is any excuse for the way they behaved. I'm surprised your girlfriend couldn't see that. I would be very annoyed to be honest.

LegacyUser

Used to experience the exact same attitude with all my ex's mates. She was from a village that still isn't on google maps so to say it's off the beaten track would be a bit of an understatement. There was the one pub which doubled as the only shop as well as the owners gaff. Walked into the lounge one night only for her to come looking a minute later and tell a confused me that I was standing in his living room

For the first two years we were seeing each other I used to dread going down for the weekend as knew I'd be meeting a wall of backs as all the "lads" stood in a circle in the pub and herself and all the girls sat in the far corner. Felt like a total spa, if I went over to talk to her I'd be seen as "soft" as I was sitting with the girls but if I tried to chat with them I'd get monosyllable answers and be left standing outside the circle feeling like a dick. Finally started just going outside the pub every 10 minutes for a smoke to try and break up the night. This from someone who up until then hardly ever smoked!!!

I did mention more than a few times that I felt awkward and uncomfortable. I'm naturally very chatty and friendly but only so many times you can "make an effort". Her excuse for the way they more or less blanked me was they were still sussing me out and getting used to me, for over two years of meeting me at least one weekend a month!

OP if you've got a lot of patience all you can do is give it time. In the end she was actually right. Turned out most of them just hadn't a clue what to talk to the Dub about, was hard enough for me as they were all farmers so it was either calving season, new milking parlours or the only other main topic hurling. Thankfully I used to play so at least one common interest and I did make an effort to learn more about how life worked there. In the end I was well able to hold a conversation on any of the local topics.

What in came down to in the end was conversation was on their terms, most if not all of them were not that interested in anything that happened outside their area so any conversations along those lines were short. Just the way it was, not saying it was a good way to be but that's the way it was.

Just took them a long time to accept an outsider into the group. In the end they did accept me and once that happened I was treated like I'd grown up with them. Can't pinpoint precisely when or how it happened but found out in the end all of them had always actually liked me, just took time for them to figure out how the hell to talk to me!

LegacyUser

I'm a Dub, and I'm from an estate in the suburbs of Dublin that many country people moved to in the eighties. My parents are both Dubs too.
I always found it weird growing up the obsessive interest my neighbours had in each other's doings.They always knew what each other was doing, where they were going on holidays, who was sick in their family, whether they were getting a new kitchen put in or why they had chosen to renovate the bathroom, who did it and what it had cost. They even knew when people had split up and all the reasons why! This applied to a number of different families, not just one or two! My parents are very friendly, and would chat to the neighbours no problem, but they just don't get into trading gossip all day long. Eventually I realised - or decided, I'm not sure which!! - that it was because many of these people were from small town Ireland, reared in the 50's/60;s/70's and that's how people are. The town and it's inhabitants was their social scene and everyone knew everything about everyone else. When they moved to Dublin, they just continued like that with a different set of people. Even recently, one of my parent's cousins who were raised in Cork told my mother that the reason he had never really got on very well or tried to stay in contact with my mother's family was because HIS mother had always told him that my mother's family were stuck up because they were from Dublin, and looked down on their country cousins. Even though his mother was the sister of my mother's mam (if that makes sense!).He's now saying he regrets that he's wasted the last 30 or so years of his life, because he's just realised that my mother and her family are not like that at all, and they are now getting back in touch properly.
In my job now I deal with people from all over the country. One thing I consistently notice is how being a "Dub" apparently sets you apart from everyone else...why I don't know, and it's not on my part, it's always being pointed out to me that I'm from Dublin (which I'm aware of by now!!!!) by people from outside Dublin. After a while you start to ignore it, but sometimes it's annoying. The other thing I notice is while most of the people I deal with are very friendly, the first phrase out of a lot of their mouths (the younger generations included) is often "how's it going? Any news?".
So OP..while I have never experienced anything quite to the extent of what you describe...yes, there seems to be quite an insular outlook from some people living outside Dublin. In a way it's a bit of an inferiority complex, but it's scarey to think it's still this strong in the Ireland of 2010.

LegacyUser

Truley wrote: »

You could really tell they were confused, thinking he was either trying to be smart or sell them something! He found people very stand offish there

why would anyone be friendly to someone who they think is being smart with them, or trying to sell them something? I avoid people who think they're hilarious, who think they're only 'having the craic' when all the time they're quietly getting their jibes in. I'd be polite but distant.

As for the wedding OP, those people at your table sounded like they weren't the brightest. It's important to make an effort with new people, and responding to your polite conversation with blank stares was very rude. If you get blank stares from them the next time, ask them if there's anything wrong ie I'm trying to get to know you and you're looking at me as if I've two heads! Have I said/done something I shouldn't? If you still get blank stares after that, move tables. There are only so many times you can go out on a limb. Another thing, if the people from your girlfriend's area are all like that, think about what it would be like if you married her and had to move there!

Truley

unregistered wrote: »

why would anyone be friendly to someone who they think is being smart with them, or trying to sell them something? I avoid people who think they're hilarious, who think they're only 'having the craic' when all the time they're quietly getting their jibes in. I'd be polite but distant.

He wasn't making jibes at them he was striking up a conversation with a bunch of lads at the bar while they were waiting for drinks. I know as a fellow small town person they weren't used to random guys making small talk with them and could see they were trying to decide whether he was being sarcastic or not. I can tell you he wasn't though, he was just behaving the way people do in Dublin. He learned pretty sharpish it wasn't going down well!

Chinafoot

op again wrote: »

well what will i do about the next wedding, my gf doesnt seem to think that they were being unfriendly at the wedding?

Spend it with your girlfriend.

If I was at a wedding with my boyfriend where I knew nobody but him I'd absolutely make an effort with people but I'd also stay with my partner. I wouldn't be going off to the bar to talk to strangers leaving him at the table, because I feel offended by people I don't know not being as friendly as I'd like.

Arguing with your girlfriend over it is ridiculous. Maybe she genuinely didn't see them as being rude to you. They could be like that all the time and she's used to it. Sounds like she was slightly embarrassed that you left her by herself to chat with people you don't even know.

Nobody has to talk to you. Its not very nice but such is life. Go and enjoy the evening with your partner and don't bother with anyone that doesn't want to talk to you.

steddyeddy

unregistered wrote: »

why would anyone be friendly to someone who they think is being smart with them, or trying to sell them something? I avoid people who think they're hilarious, who think they're only 'having the craic' when all the time they're quietly getting their jibes in. I'd be polite but distant.

As for the wedding OP, those people at your table sounded like they weren't the brightest. It's important to make an effort with new people, and responding to your polite conversation with blank stares was very rude. If you get blank stares from them the next time, ask them if there's anything wrong ie I'm trying to get to know you and you're looking at me as if I've two heads! Have I said/done something I shouldn't? If you still get blank stares after that, move tables. There are only so many times you can go out on a limb. Another thing, if the people from your girlfriend's area are all like that, think about what it would be like if you married her and had to move there!

that sums it up for me op but one thing id say is that "thats just the way they are" isnt ans excuse for the way they act, if that were so it could be used for racism, sexisim and other primitive behaviours botttom line it is primitive and you dont have to accept it regardless of how shy they are ect you only live once, by the way above poster i wasnt getting at your post i do agree with it but i dont think some attitudes are excusable rather they are backward

dolane

This is the op here i created an account to reply faster, first of all chinafoot i went to the bar for intervals of several minutes just to talk to people who replied to me i stayed the majority of the night with my girlfriend. I know for certain she didnt cop the fact they were being rude to me, they included her in every conversation but i did explain how i felt afterwards but she insisted they were being friendly to me but i didnt press the issue.

Since then other people who were at the wedding from other side of the room said they felt sorry for me as they tried to talk to people from my and simular tables with the same result, im glad to hear im not alone in experiences like this it wasnt even the the one word replys some of them made sly comments about me to my girlfriend in front of me and then staring blankly at me, im a fairly easy to get on with chap but the fact that i got a few days of work (the wedding celebrations lasted a few days) and was the butt of sly comments was a blow it seriously felt like a kick in the stomach especially since my girlfriend didnt see it as unfriendly.

I didnt say i woul be arguing with my girlfriend over this i dont know where your getting that from, i do support my girlfriend and will be going to the next wedding as long as she knows i did make a effort im a friendly guy and will make every effort again but i waould be a idiot to keep trying if i get ignored and have comments be made about me, then i will be confrontational about it and stand up for myself.

I also as a dub have nothing against people from small towns as i have many friends in small towns and realize they may be a bit shy outside the group but the way these were acting was bordering on aggressive.

The wedding is in a few days and will have celebrations lasting 2 days im really going to make a effort.

dolane

because I feel offended by people I don't know not being as friendly as I'd like.

not being as friendly as i like is a very rosy way of putting it you seem to be putting the blame on me, it wasnt a case of them not being as friendly as i like its a matter of being ignored of me making every effort to talk to them and then simply finding other people who replied to me, my girlfriend didnt make include me in the conversation really either by me leaving to the bar for a few minutes i cant see that i was being unsuportive.

Arguing with your girlfriend over it is ridiculous

i really dont know where your getting that from

Sounds like she was slightly embarrassed that you left her by herself to chat with people you don't even know.

Well in fairness i dont see how it would embarras her, im sure it embarrassed her more me talking to her friends an them acting the way they did.

Nobody has to talk to you. Its not very nice but such is life. Go and enjoy the evening with your partner and don't bother with anyone that doesn't want to talk to you.

yes i know no one has to talk to me but its common courtesy to reply when someone is making an effort to talk to you, its not a bad thing to assume people will at least make some effort is it? you really seem to be of the opinion that it was my fault for thinking their unfreindly or something.

hollis12

Chinafoot wrote: »

Spend it with your girlfriend.

If I was at a wedding with my boyfriend where I knew nobody but him I'd absolutely make an effort with people but I'd also stay with my partner. I wouldn't be going off to the bar to talk to strangers leaving him at the table, because I feel offended by people I don't know not being as friendly as I'd like.

Arguing with your girlfriend over it is ridiculous. Maybe she genuinely didn't see them as being rude to you. They could be like that all the time and she's used to it. Sounds like she was slightly embarrassed that you left her by herself to chat with people you don't even know.

Nobody has to talk to you. Its not very nice but such is life. Go and enjoy the evening with your partner and don't bother with anyone that doesn't want to talk to you.

Just curious but how would you act in a wedding if all your boyfriends friends were rude to you after the aforementioned effort you would make?

Im sorry but saying nobody has to talk to you is something i would never say to someone like the op who seemed to be making the effort to be friendly, how would you feel if you were at a simular wedding and you told your boyfriend that his friends were rude and he replied "nobody has to talk to you".

op please dont look at things in this way chinafoots right nobody has to talk to you but those people are people to avoid in life supprt your gf through the wedding but make sure she knows how you feel about it and maybe she will include you in the conversation.

hollis12

Truley wrote: »

He wasn't making jibes at them he was striking up a conversation with a bunch of lads at the bar while they were waiting for drinks. I know as a fellow small town person they weren't used to random guys making small talk with them and could see they were trying to decide whether he was being sarcastic or not. I can tell you he wasn't though, he was just behaving the way people do in Dublin. He learned pretty sharpish it wasn't going down well!

not meaning to be rude myself but if people take being friendly up as being rude well thats their problem not the person being friendly to them.

dolane

Denimgirl wrote: »

no use arguing with your gf over this. some people keep to themselves and maybe wanted to stick with people they know.I'm more of a outgoing friendly girl but some people are just not as friendly as others, thats it really!I just would'nt make the effort with them again not that you'll see them again anyway!

I wont argue with her denim girl weddings are stressful enough for a girl i imagine, i wouldnt even say they were unfriendly they were very friendly to each other that is! its something else to be firmly excluded simply because your not from the area, also i wish it was the case that i wont see them again but this weddings coming up and im very anxious about it.

I know i should ask my gf to change the seating arrangements but to be fair shes very stressed over the thing already trying to get off work and buying the dress ect i dont want to add to her stress, im not being a wimp about it just thinking of her, its not her fault her friends are c*nts

steddyeddy

op you were not to blame dont worry even many of us here seem to have been in simular situations, myself more times than i can remember you do seem supportive of your better half, the thing is there are backward people out there , and there is a massive difference between people not having to talk to you and insular narrow minded people who see no life outside the group.

"nobody has to talk to you" is the typical insular attitude that i often encountered at weddings like this, what a friendly person who thinks that eh the op says he made every effort to make friends with them they stared at him the op did well here there has been many times were i felt like saying sorry do you have a problem with were im from?.

you went to a wedding the people were grassholes go to the wedding support your gf, but in fairness if you told her how you feel she should try and get you included in the conversation , you dont say wheter she sees your friends all the time.

dolane

just to say i dont intend to argue with my gf over the upcoming wedding i stated i did during the last wedding when i clamed up after a few hours as she said i wasnt making an effort and i said i made enough effort tonight their rude and not willing to talk back, im well within my rigths saying that.

Mary Hairy

I blame the parents!

steddyeddy

Mary Hairy wrote: »

I blame the parents!

Ah i agree, i blame the parents for being too closley related in some cases!