Am I doing the right thing?

LegacyUser

I never got on with my brother. he was a selfish bully. he loved trouble, has a spiteful streak in him and loved to see me struggling and in distress. i fled the family home a few months ago after another row and have completely cut contact with him. havent seen him since which i know is for the best. in doing this i find myself, not ignoring my family but definately not seeing them much. i visit home in which i am welcome but i always make sure that my brother is not there. also i havent told family where i am and where my new home is in case they tell my brother.

scallioneater

Sounds right. Protect yourself and don't waste your time worrying about people that have been mean to you. Take things very slowly and give yourself space, you need a lot of years to get over an abusive childhood. Keep doing what you are doing, you are on the right path.

LegacyUser

Bullyvictim wrote: »

I never got on with my brother. he was a selfish bully. he loved trouble, has a spiteful streak in him and loved to see me struggling and in distress. i fled the family home a few months ago after another row and have completely cut contact with him. havent seen him since which i know is for the best. in doing this i find myself, not ignoring my family but definately not seeing them much. i visit home in which i am welcome but i always make sure that my brother is not there. also i havent told family where i am and where my new home is in case they tell my brother.

something else to add. i am alienating myself away from family to keep away from my brother. i get on well with the rest of the family and i miss them. despite the differences between my brother and i, i was able to be civilisied with him, but different story with him. he treated my like dirt and so badly that i tried to take my own life.

Wagon

bullyvictimop wrote: »

something else to add. i am alienating myself away from family to keep away from my brother. i get on well with the rest of the family and i miss them. despite the differences between my brother and i, i was able to be civilisied with him, but different story with him. he treated my like dirt and so badly that i tried to take my own life.

do they know this?

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

do they know this?

Yes, family know about our troubles. we are twins and he only ever treated me badly and noone else. sweet as pie to everyone else. he hated me for reasons that i do not know. my other siblings said to me that when he was told i was sick in hospital from an overdose he said good and showed no emotion.
despite our differences i was able to be civilisied around him. different for him.
we would have rows. but he always put 100% of the blame on me for everything and took no responsibilty for where he went wrong. i would have been eager to apologise after an argruement but i was always ignored pretty much wanting me to go down on my knees and beg for forgiveness nevermind about what he did wrong usually his controlling behaviour would have been the reason for a row. turning around after a row saying that i treat him like sh1t even though id only be standing up for myself and not taking that controlling crap. he would be spiteful damaging my belongings out of

Taltos

Why not just be open with everyone including him.

Clearly explain why it is you have removed yourself - but as long as you hide from your family you are giving your brother power over you...
Be open, honest, non-agressive is also key here - as he will attack you again - but you know what - just ignore him. Be civil - but disinterested - like nothing he says has any worth to you - it shouldn't.

Never - ever rise to him. When he gets argumentative - well - who says you have to respond to his accusations - the best thing you can do is totally ignore what he says - going so far as to totally change the subject. Will it annoy him - absolutely - it will enrage him - and thats the key - hopefully eventually it will sink in that the only one he is annoying is himself and he will stop. (BUT not before doing his best to really get to you...)

Big thing though is openness and honest with your family. If you are not getting the support from them though - well then consider cutting all ties - as hard as it is - better to be away totally from this type of poison than being assailed by it daily - not only by your brother - but by your family's complicity in allowing his behaviour to continue all these years.

LegacyUser

Bullyvictim wrote: »

Yes, family know about our troubles. we are twins and he only ever treated me badly and noone else. sweet as pie to everyone else. he hated me for reasons that i do not know. my other siblings said to me that when he was told i was sick in hospital from an overdose he said good and showed no emotion.
despite our differences i was able to be civilisied around him. different for him.
we would have rows. but he always put 100% of the blame on me for everything and took no responsibilty for where he went wrong. i would have been eager to apologise after an argruement but i was always ignored pretty much wanting me to go down on my knees and beg for forgiveness nevermind about what he did wrong usually his controlling behaviour would have been the reason for a row. turning around after a row saying that i treat him like sh1t even though id only be standing up for myself and not taking that controlling crap. he would be spiteful damaging my belongings out of

don't know why that didn't finish. We had many problems.

I have been going to counselling who is very helpful and my therpist has said that he has narcastic personality disorder.

OP, I had the exact same issue with one of my brothers. He left home a few years before me, and any time we've been forced to live under the same roof since, we still have fistfights (and he's about a foot taller than me!)

I am lucky as my brother moved abroad and has been living in different countries pretty much all the time since 2003. I've had to spend one Christmas with him since then, and it was alright cause he had his girlfriend with him and was putting on a nice show for her.

I have no contact with my brother, and probably never will. I'm not concerned by this. There are people we don't get on with in life, and pot luck dictates that sometimes, they can be related to you. If not for having the same parents I would never have had any contact with someone like my brother. I know what's going on with him, because my parents tell me. This is as close as I need to be.

Visiting your family while your brother is not home doesn't seem to be a solution for you. I am concerned that you cannot tell your family where you live as you fear your brother finding out. This sounds like more than just a childhood episode of bullying. As you are adults now, if he does sink to harassing you at your own home, you are perfectly entitled to call the police.

I wish I could help, all I can do I guess is to let you know you aren't alone, I totally empathise. And over the course of my 20s this has improved to acceptance that basically besides having family members in common, I will never have a relationship with my brother, nor do I want one.

Taltos

Deleted User wrote: »

, if he does sink to harassing you at your own home, you are perfectly entitled to call the police.

Really liked the post above and this jumped out at me.

Look at it this way
> If a stranger harrassed you - you would call the cops
> why should your reaction be any different just because the person harrassing you is your brother?

You can even incorporate this into your talk with the family.
Set out your boundaries and be crystal clear with your expectations - and with the effect of any breach.
Here's the rub though - if you do set boundaries - and consequences - then you have to 100% follow through - otherwise the situation will deteriorate.

Best of luck - and don't give up - stay calm - and let him know by your lack of reaction that you are the one with the power here. Even seek a class on self-confidence / crucial conversations - it is all about understanding the dynamics and the drivers of peoples motivations.
Once you learn to identify what is driving him - you are effectively in control of all future conversations - as knowing why he is doing what he is doing - you choose whether to permit that or to deny him what he wants...

Motley Crue

scallioneater wrote: »

you need a lot of years to get over an abusive childhood. Keep doing what you are doing, you are on the right path.

Well I do agree with your advice, I have to ask, what kind of abuse did he suffer?

The brother being an asshole meant that everyone else had to tolerate this idiot and it made life difficult I agree, but in terms of abuse, the OP doesn't mention physical, sexual or mental abuse in the slightest....what gives you the impression that the brother abused the sibling?

bullyvictimop wrote: »

something else to add. i am alienating myself away from family to keep away from my brother. i get on well with the rest of the family and i miss them. despite the differences between my brother and i, i was able to be civilisied with him, but different story with him. he treated my like dirt and so badly that i tried to take my own life.

yes, this is wrong and this is abuse in a mental way, and the brothers actions mean this person cannot be with his family whom he loves

I like to see the best in people and I would hope that the brother at least doesn't realise the damage he has inflicted. If he did realise that, he could be charged with something, right? Pre Meditation?