BF on dole- hang in there?

LegacyUser

I moved in with my BF of 2 years about a year ago. He's 33, I'm 25. He was made redundant shortly after we moved in together. I love him, I do, but this is very hard at times. I'm supporting both of us, as he gets next to nothing from the dole. We fight, alot, over stupid things, and all that keeps me going is the thought that it will get better when he gets a job.

Does it make me a bad person that all I can think about is the amount of money this relationship is costing me, the amount of years it's holding me back in terms of things I want to do, and the fact that, at my age with a full time job, I should be able to go out every so often or go away for a weekend with my friends if I should choose?

I know there are loads of people in the same, or worse, boat as us, but I guess I just want to know if my hope that things will get better once he has a job again is a good enough reason to stay together???

dory

For me it would depend on how hard he is trying to get a job. If he's generally making an effort, and not just sitting at home watching Oprah then I'd be understanding. If of course, I felt strongly about the person. You seem to having doubts and this will only magnify them.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP, what a horrible situation. If you don't mind me asking, how much is he doing to remedy the situation?

I think supporting the man you love and trying to hold things together during one of the most stressful times a couple can have is hugely admirable, if he was doing everything possible to get a job & you saw the pair of your going the distance then I'd say try and stick with it and struggle through...

On the other-hand if he's not pulling his weight, either around the house or in terms of getting another job then be thankful you aren't married and you have the option to walk...just be careful that it's not the added pressure and stress of unemployment and reduced income that destroys an otherwise excellent relationship which you will regret ending.

Is there any other options? Could you temporarily move out citing all the fighting so he can get rent allowance or whatever and you get to spend your money on you?

Best of luck.

Drico

I don't think you're a bad person, OP, just not the type of person I'd like for a girlfriend if I were unemployed and doing my level best to get back on my feet.

Your post suggests that you find your boyfriend a burden. Maybe he is, but maybe he is just unemployed in the deepest recession in living memory. You seem a little resentful that you can't go away with your friends as much as you would like. Maybe that is fair enough at your age, but you make it crystal clear that the money "this relationship is costing" is an issue for you. Money is important - we all need it to survive - but once we have enough to get by, it's never a serious issue in a loving partnership.

You ask if the hope that things can get better is a good enough reason to stay together. No, it's not. Love is. Either you love him - unemployed or not - or you don't. Do you love him enough to make sacrifices for him, you know, real love - not the love of the good life or the guy on the up? The impression you give me, at least, is that at 25 you'd be better off on your own. That's not a criticism, just an observation. You need to ask yourself what you really want: the relationship or the nights out with the girls. If you can't answer it with the minimum of thought, you've already made your mind up.

Drico.

Denimgirl

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP, what a horrible situation. If you don't mind me asking, how much is he doing to remedy the situation?

I think supporting the man you love and trying to hold things together during one of the most stressful times a couple can have is hugely admirable, if he was doing everything possible to get a job & you saw the pair of your going the distance then I'd say try and stick with it and struggle through...

On the other-hand if he's not pulling his weight, either around the house or in terms of getting another job then be thankful you aren't married and you have the option to walk...just be careful that it's not the added pressure and stress of unemployment and reduced income that destroys an otherwise excellent relationship which you will regret ending.

Is there any other options? Could you temporarily move out citing all the fighting so he can get rent allowance or whatever and you get to spend your money on you?

Best of luck.

Totally agree with ickle magoo, I would try living apart if he's not trying to make the situation better by actively looking for work.

LegacyUser

Drico wrote: »

I don't think you're a bad person, OP, just not the type of person I'd like for a girlfriend if I were unemployed and doing my level best to get back on my feet.

Your post suggests that you find your boyfriend a burden. Maybe he is, but maybe he is just unemployed in the deepest recession in living memory. You seem a little resentful that you can't go away with your friends as much as you would like. Maybe that is fair enough at your age, but you make it crystal clear that the money "this relationship is costing" is an issue for you. Money is important - we all need it to survive - but once we have enough to get by, it's never a serious issue in a loving partnership.

You ask if the hope that things can get better is a good enough reason to stay together. No, it's not. Love is. Either you love him - unemployed or not - or you don't. Do you love him enough to make sacrifices for him, you know, real love - not the love of the good life or the guy on the up? The impression you give me, at least, is that at 25 you'd be better off on your own. That's not a criticism, just an observation. You need to ask yourself what you really want: the relationship or the nights out with the girls. If you can't answer it with the minimum of thought, you've already made your mind up.

Drico.

+1 to this!

OP you seem like you have your mind made up and that your heart is not in your relationship anymore. The recession seems to be hitting alot of relationships lately with men being the main causalities. I've been on the end of a redundancy and subsequent dumping too recently so please put yourself in your boyfriends shoes and try and think of how he feels being out of work and being supported by his girlfriend. The words humbling and humiliating come to mind.

Moomoo1

I am quite staggered at this. So your 'love' for someone is only conditional on their employment status?

Picture this (quite horrible) scenario: your OH goes out tomorrow and has a terrible accident which means he can never work again. Will you then leave him because he won't be able to bring in money anymore?

Also, how much money do you spend on your OH in real terms? You pay for accomodation (which you'd be paying for anyway, as you have to live somewhere) and food - but he has his dole. So how exactly is he stopping you from doing the things he want or going away with friends?

Mervin J Minky

This is a big problem in Ireland and other western societies such as USA & Britain. Women seem to put money before anything else and this can cause huge problems when something like a recession hits and men lose their job. I am from Lithuania and we have similar economic problems but we don't have the same issues of women running out on us as soon as our bank account empties. I know I will get alot of abuse for this post but pampered Irish women need to be realistic under the current circumstances. Okay you lived very well for a decade or so but times have changed, you can all watch episodes of Sex and the City as much as you want but alot of you would need to take your head out of the clouds and view reality for a moment.

Great guys are being dumped daily for situations that are out of their control just so some girl (not woman, thats the difference) can live out her fantasies. When the recession passes and people are back working again then women can look at their new rich narcissistic partners and reflect on what could have been if they weren't as shallow and as materialistic as they were. Pffft you could be with a man on the dole in my country and then you would have something to complain about........but you probabvly wouldn't, because you would have learnt that there is more important things in life then money.

Denimgirl

Mervin J Minky wrote: »

This is a big problem in Ireland and other western societies such as USA & Britain. Women seem to put money before anything else and this can cause huge problems when something like a recession hits and men lose their job. I am from Lithuania and we have similar economic problems but we don't have the same issues of women running out on us as soon as our bank account empties. I know I will get alot of abuse for this post but pampered Irish women need to be realistic under the current circumstances. Okay you lived very well for a decade or so but times have changed, you can all watch episodes of Sex and the City as much as you want but alot of you would need to take your head out of the clouds and view reality for a moment. Great guys are being dumped daily for situations that are out of their control just so some girl (not woman, thats the difference) can live out her fantasies. When the recession passes and people are back working again then women can look at their new rich narcissistic partners and reflect on what could have been if they weren't as shallow and as materialistic as they were. Pffft you could be with a man on the dole in my country and then you would have something to complain about........but you probabvly wouldn't, because you would have learnt that there is more important things in life then money.

There are a lot of men who don't look after their woman either a lot of guys now are not like the guys 20 years ago they expect the girls to go "dutch" a lot and contribute 50% to everything, it has all changed since the "gentleman days" not saying theres none out there but 50/50 seems the case with men also! saying that I don't think the OP wants to break up over him being unemployed as such he maybe not be making an effort on changing his situation leaving the OP being under an amense amount of pressure to keep everything a float single handedly.I think it's unfair to attack Irish woman saying they are all materialistic because thats not true at all!I could saythe same for woman from your country but that would be unfair also

Ickle Magoo

Love is conditional of a hundred and one things; long term unemployment affects all facets of peoples lives and even changes personalities, that can certainly have a knock on effect to whether a three yr relationship - a year of which spent paying for everything - is really what the OP wants in life, let's be realistic now.

Mervin J Minky

Denimgirl wrote: »

There are a lot of men who don't look after their woman either a lot of guys now are not like the guys 20 years ago they expect the girls to go "dutch" a lot and contribute 50% to everything, it has all changed since the "gentleman days" not saying theres none out there but 50/50 seems the case with men also! saying that I don't think the OP wants to break up over him being unemployed as such he maybe not be making an effort on changing his situation leaving the OP being under an amense amount of pressure to keep everything a float single handedly.I think it's unfair to attack Irish woman saying they are all materialistic because thats not true at all!I could saythe same for woman from your country but that would be unfair also

Sorry but your post has me slightly confused. So you are basically saying that women were second class citizens 20 years ago that they essentially needed men to look after them and now that society has rightfully (in my humble opinion) balanced out so both sexes are viewed as equal, women are suddenly feeling hard done by? If that is what you are saying then then is extremely hypercritical.

On a side note, I have lived in Ireland for 5 years and have worked in and seen first hand the construction industry (which fuelled your inflated economy I might add) fall from grace at an astronomical rate. I myself was unemployed for nearly 10 months but my girlfriend stuck by me because she was aware of her surroundings (in the economical sense, obviously not the geographical sense) and at the end of the day stayed with me because she was with me for who I am not what I earn. Maybe if she was exposed to such a lavish lifestyle like alot of Irish women then she might have reacted differently but she didn't and I think that alone says more them words can.

Back on topic, you mention that the OP has been under immense pressure trying to keep everything in her relationship afloat single handedly? Yet in the same post you imply that men have been doing this for generations (which lets face it they have). So why is in exceptionable for a women (who in this case seems to have no children or pressing responsibilities) to turn around and say that the last year in her three year relationship has been very hard on her financially so she feels like walking away? If the OP was a man, who would be expected to be in this position in accordance to society I might add, would you have the same mindset? Be honest now!

Women have to understand that sociality has changed so dramatically in the past decade alone that the fine line between sexes in modern society has pretty much been eradicated and that is a very good thing. In my opinion women need to embrace this change and stop the hypocrisy that is associated with the past, yes you will still get chauvinistic sides to both sexes but in reality both men and women are now equal, its just some women haven't read the memo yet

Denimgirl

Mervin J Minky wrote: »

Sorry but your post has me slightly confused. So you are basically saying that women were second class citizens 20 years ago that they essentially needed men to look after them and now that society has rightfully (in my humble opinion) balanced out so both sexes are viewed as equal, women are suddenly feeling hard done by? If that is what you are saying then then is extremely hypercritical.

On a side note, I have lived in Ireland for 5 years and have worked in and seen first hand the construction industry (which fuelled your inflated economy I might add) fall from grace at an astronomical rate. I myself was unemployed for nearly 10 months but my girlfriend stuck by me because she was aware of her surroundings (in the economical sense, obviously not the geographical sense) and at the end of the day stayed with me because she was with me for who I am not what I earn. Maybe if she was exposed to such a lavish lifestyle like alot of Irish women then she might have reacted differently but she didn't and I think that alone says more them words can.

Back on topic, you mention that the OP has been under immense pressure trying to keep everything in her relationship afloat single handedly? Yet in the same post you imply that men have been doing this for generations (which lets face it they have). So why is in exceptionable for a women (who in this case seems to have no children or pressing responsibilities) to turn around and say that the last year in her three year relationship has been very hard on her financially so she feels like walking away? If the OP was a man, who would be expected to be in this position in accordance to society I might add, would you have the same mindset? Be honest now!

Women have to understand that sociality has changed so dramatically in the past decade alone that the fine line between sexes in modern society has pretty much been eradicated and that is a very good thing. In my opinion women need to embrace this change and stop the hypocrisy that is associated with the past, yes you will still get chauvinistic sides to both sexes but in reality both men and women are now equal, its just some women haven't read the memo yet

First off I never implied woman are second class citizenS, don't put words in my mouth to try and prove your argument,please read my post as I typed it!I was implying men being gentleman like they looked after woman more most guys now expect girls to go 50/50 with them.You also have a terrible outlook on Irish woman which I find very offensive!This country had many years of bad times also so why should'nt we enjoy the good times while it was here?You have benefited from our boom and no doubt have done well yourself out of it!The OP seems to be fed up with being her BF's meal ticket it happens!I don't think because of this all Irish woman should be branded as ice queen money mad woman!Men have woman leaching off them too I'm sure they get fed up with that also!

I doubt many people received of what I would call YOUR memo!:rolleyes:

EnglishPollop

My boyfriend has started a new job this week but was unemployed for 18 months prior to this.
It never crossed my mind to look for someone else or break up with him and I'm really disgusted at your way of thinking.

You sound very selfish - it must be very hard for you to not be able to go away for a weekend with the girls whenever you fancy, but I'm sure it's much harder for him, being stuck on the dole and unable to get a job.

I was on the dole for about 6 months last year - it's the most horrible, degrading feeling and the last thing your boyfriend needs is you thinking how much better your life would be without him!

Fingers crossed for you that you never find yourself in his situation, you're blessed to be in employment at the moment and there are people all over the country right now who would love a weekend away, myself included, but there are much more important things to worry about.

I think you should leave him - for his sake, then he can find someone who will love him and stand by him through thick and thin.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

Men have woman leaching off them too I'm sure they get fed up with that also!

thats the difference isn't it though??? he's noy leeching, he's fallen on hard times and needs the help and support of the person who "loves" him.

If it wasd the other way around and he was earning the money and came on here saying he felt he was being used i think your response would be totally different.

she doesn't love him.... you can't say you love someone then come on here and say that you want to dump them because their life didn't go as you planned FOR YOU.

He'd be well rid of her, she should just take a hike and let him find someone who can love him and not just their idea of him.

PeterGriffen

Denimgirl wrote: »

I was implying men being gentleman like they looked after woman more most guys now expect girls to go 50/50 with them.

Yeah well that's the thing about striving for equality in society, you have to take the good with the bad, not just cherry pick the benefits. Gender roles are not so clearly definied anymore, so it is unreasonable to expect the man to pay for everything.

OP, I have been out of work for a year, it has been a maddening experience. My wife is the sole earner and she also has to put up with my occasional fits of ranting about how hard it is to have no function in society. She has been my rock and supported me in every way, and I make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table when she gets home. If the relationship is strong enough, you will be able to get through this tough time.

Moomoo1

Mervin J Minky wrote: »

I am from Lithuania and we have similar economic problems but we don't have the same issues of women running out on us as soon as our bank account empties.

come on, you are painting a very rosy picture there. I am from the former USSR as well, and you get materialistic women everywhere. Both before 1991 and after I must add.

I take your point on women in affluent societies having higher expectations, but to say that this is a solely Irish problem is wrong.

krudler

OP, what exactly is stopping you going away with your friends? is it that he cant go as well due to lack of money, or that you cant afford it as you're paying for a lot of his stuff? I'm just back to work after being out for 10 months on sick leave and I was on the same welfare payment amount as the dole, just under €800 a month, take out 350 for rent, and a car loan, bills and a day to day living and I was still able to afford to live comfortably just on a budget compared to what I used to, granted I whacked a fair amount onto my credit card but thats getting paid as soon as I do. If hes sitting round the house not contributing then thats an issue, but if hes looking for work then the last thing he needs is selfish girlfriend whos only worried about holidays and luxuries when a good portion of the country is out of work.

LegacyUser

what$ lov€ got to do with it? wrote: »

thats the difference isn't it though??? he's noy leeching, he's fallen on hard times and needs the help and support of the person who "loves" him..

Judging from what the OP said, she has been supporting him as well as herself for almost 1 year!. She hasn't disappeared as soon as he was made redundant. That's a long time to be supporting someone else in my opinion. I honestly believe that her boyfriend would have had a job months ago if he tried harder. A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Also, how much money do you spend on your OH in real terms? You pay for accomodation (which you'd be paying for anyway, as you have to live somewhere) and food - but he has his dole. So how exactly is he stopping you from doing the things he want or going away with friends?

Eh, she'd be paying accommodation anyway? She wouldn't be paying for his half though, which if they live in Dublin will still be a fair chunk. Don't be fooled by the "rents falling" bullshít. They haven't halved in price. Rent, food, electricity, heat, tv/internet, phones. All that adds up when one person is paying the lions share. he dole is feck all when it comes down to it.

The girl is 25 years of age so there is a good chance that she's not on massive amounts of money, so helping to support her boyfriend for a year would of course stop her from going out as often as she'd like or going on weekends away with her friends.

OP, for me this would all be dependent on how hard your boyfriend is actually looking for a job. If he's doing feck all (and the phrase "but there are no jobs!" is not acceptable) then I totally understand your frustration. You probably see all your friends enjoying themselves and feel down about your situation. Then of course, as has been pointed out, there could be other issue sin the relationship arising from his losing his job. Its unfair to expect you to shoulder the burden if he's not doing absolutely everything he can to get any type of job he can. If he is, then I would suggest you hang in there. But it doesn't make you a bad person if you decide you can't handle the situation and want the relationship to end. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

can't say i find this post surprising....the real truth is that alot of women do find their partners income a major factor in their relationship. much more than men.....of course, it's taboo and not many women would admit to it but you just have to open your eyes and look around.....if the op really did truely love her bf she wouldn't consider leaving him....i wish people would just admit to it more instead of being so phoney about it. i find it funny the way some women 'claim' to be in a 50/50 relationship were everything is split cos most of my mates would say that its more like 70/30 in reality...its just another superficial thing.

Ickle Magoo

Ah, come on.

It's not like they were living together for 10 yrs, he lost his job last week and she's leaving him today. He lost his job right after they moved in together, over a year ago! That's a long time to support someone you've only previously been dating. If the OP feels like it's not a situation likely to change then I don't blame her for getting annoyed with the status quo. I'm sure when she moved in having an unemployed partner fighting with her all the time while she pays for the new gaff was hardly what she had in mind.

Marriages that have survived decades of tough times struggle through long-term unemployment and the stresses that brings, it's not surprising so new a relationship is buckling under the pressure.

Chinafoot

knknk wrote: »

can't say i find this post surprising....the real truth is that alot of women do find their partners income a major factor in their relationship. much more than men.....of course, it's taboo and not many women would admit to it but you just have to open your eyes and look around.....if the op really did truely love her bf she wouldn't consider leaving him....i wish people would just admit to it more instead of being so phoney about it. i find it funny the way some women 'claim' to be in a 50/50 relationship were everything is split cos most of my mates would say that its more like 70/30 in reality...its just another superficial thing.

More generalising bullshít. She is 25 years old and supporting her boyfriend for almost a year. Assuming that she doesn't love him or is just some superficial, vacuous bint because she wants more in her life than financially supporting her 33 year old partner, is lazy and hints at a bitterness towards women tbh. As has already been pointed out (and ignored by many) she has been helping to support him for almost a year. She didn't cut and run as soon as he lost his job. My relationship is absolutely 50/50. He earns more money than me but thats his money. Rent, bills, food etc are split equally down the middle. If I ever need to borrow cash from my partner it gets handed back as soon as I get paid. All my friends are the same. Perhaps your friends need to find some decent girls.

Again, we don't know whats been happening within that relationship over the past year. Have they been arguing? Has he been actively looking for a job or is he being picky about what he gets?

Abusing her for being frustrated about her position is very unfair.

S23

knowwhatyoumean wrote: »

Judging from what the OP said, she has been supporting him as well as herself for almost 1 year!. She hasn't disappeared as soon as he was made redundant. That's a long time to be supporting someone else in my opinion. I honestly believe that her boyfriend would have had a job months ago if he tried harder. A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

Absolute nonsense. A terrible generalisation to make without knowing the specifics of the situation.

Now it could be the case that he could have been trying harder but it could just as easily be the case that he's gone all out to get a job. There are 440,000 people unemployed in this country now. If they all 'tried harder' would they all have job? Of course not. There aren't 440,000 jobs to be had.

As for the OP. Yeah its a tough situation to be in. You're very young to be supporting someone long term. I take it you feel very restricted by this.

The fighting isn't going to help either. It could be that the unemployment is getting to him. People react badly to being unemployed generally. Despite some misconceptions (that have been broken down now with the recession mind you) that unemployed people are just lazy layabouts who revel in doing nothing its generally quite the opposite. Being broke, having no money to do anything, relying on your OH to support you and having nothing to do all day isn't exactly likely to put a pep in your step.

However, it doesn't mean he should be getting on your case. You need to talk to him about your concerns and see where you both stand.

sambuka41

knowwhatyoumean wrote: »

A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

I absolutely agree with this statement. I haven't really got into discussions with people about exactly what jobs they are looking for since the recession started, mainly cause i had a job and didnt wanna rub peoples faces in it but thats gone now. Im in same position and im sorry but a lot of people are still deluded,only looking for work in their "field" personally i'll take anything,min wage.

For the OP's partner min wage will still be better than the dole and could help out his girlfriend a lot. It could show that he is not content to live off someone else and that he is not so above himself at 33 that he cant take the hit and get the low paid job.

To the OP i would say that if you are viewing your partner as a burden then it sounds like your not committed to this relationship.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

Eh, she'd be paying accommodation anyway? She wouldn't be paying for his half though, which if they live in Dublin will still be a fair chunk. Don't be fooled by the "rents falling" bullshít. They haven't halved in price. Rent, food, electricity, heat, tv/internet, phones. All that adds up when one person is paying the lions share. he dole is feck all when it comes down to it.

not true. We lived as a couple in a studio that was usually let to singles. A couple doesn't need much more expensive accomodation than a single

if that's such an issue, let them live separately. But she wants to break up rather than move away.

Chinafoot wrote: »

But it doesn't make you a bad person if you decide you can't handle the situation and want the relationship to end. Best of luck!

doesn't make you a bad person no, just a person I wouldn't want to go out with, because I'd expect a hell of a lot more commitement from a partner.

Moomoo1

Chinafoot wrote: »

More generalising bullshít. She is 25 years old and supporting her boyfriend for almost a year. Assuming that she doesn't love him or is just some superficial, vacuous bint because she wants more in her life than financially supporting her 33 year old partner, is lazy and hints at a bitterness towards women tbh. As has already been pointed out (and ignored by many) she has been helping to support him for almost a year. She didn't cut and run as soon as he lost his job. My relationship is absolutely 50/50. He earns more money than me but thats his money. Rent, bills, food etc are split equally down the middle. If I ever need to borrow cash from my partner it gets handed back as soon as I get paid. All my friends are the same. Perhaps your friends need to find some decent girls.

Again, we don't know whats been happening within that relationship over the past year. Have they been arguing? Has he been actively looking for a job or is he being picky about what he gets?

you believe in 50/50 relationships where there is a large distance between the partners, we know that, but not everyone does. Some people have common finances and don't have 'your money' or 'my money', it's 'our money'.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Abusing her for being frustrated about her position is very unfair.

for someone like me, whose grandparents lived through repression and war her position is untenable. When you hear of people who stuck by their partners who were declared enemies of the people you sort of develop a dislike for people who would take off over mere finances.

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you believe in 50/50 relationships where there is a large distance between the partners, we know that, but not everyone does. Some people have common finances and don't have 'your money' or 'my money', it's 'our money'.

How do you know the OP had common finances? They had only just moved in together, it's a bit early for joint accounts, shared funds, and death us do parts, tbh...

Moomoo1 wrote: »

for someone like me, whose grandparents lived through repression and war her position is untenable. When you hear of people who stuck by their partners who were declared enemies of the people you sort of develop a dislike for people who would take off over mere finances.

And again, sticking by a spouse through times of war is one thing, paying the way for a bf you've just moved in with who has now been on the dole for a year is quite another...after all, people move country, leave their entire families behind for "mere finances", it's not quite the frivolous, vacuous motive people keep trying to push...

mood

knowwhatyoumean wrote: »

I honestly believe that her boyfriend would have had a job months ago if he tried harder. A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

OMG. You obviously have not been unemployed in a mayor recession. I know loads of people who are job searching and trying really hard to get a job (any job) but jobs just are not there. Do you really think nearly a half a million people are unemployed because they are not trying hard enough to get a job!

I can understand how the OP may be a bit feed up but to be honest OP I think you don't sound very committed to the relationship. Did you ever really see this as a long term commitment or was moving in together just handy?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

OMG. You obviously have not been unemployed in a mayor recession. I know loads of people who are job searching and trying really hard to get a job (any job) but jobs just are not there. Do you really think nearly a half a million people are unemployed because they are not trying hard enough to get a job!

I have actually. That's what inspired me to post to be honest. I spent years studying to get a masters. I was unable to find a job in that field, so I had to swallow my pride and take another one. One that no qualifications are needed. I prefer to do this than to be on the dole.

I'm not saying that nearly half a million people are unemployed because they are 'not trying half enough'. I just think that for one person (ie- the OP's boyfriend in this case) to be adequately searching for almost a year and not getting one, is untrue. If they were willing to take absolutely any job, they'd certainly find one in almost a year. I know many instances where people are on the dole and holding off working for the ideal job in their field.

Kimia

I don't think anyone can really answer this until the OP tells us if the boyfriend has

a) actively looked for jobs and done his part at home with the household chores etc

or

b) sat around on his a*rse for a year letting her pay all the bills and doing nothing to contribute to the household

Huge difference between these scenarios and until I know which one is the OP's situation there's no point in commenting further.

Moomoo1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

How do you know the OP had common finances? They had only just moved in together, it's a bit early for joint accounts, shared funds, and death us do parts, tbh...

I know. But I was illustrating a more general point. Anyway, that's a side issue: if she cannot afford him they can just live separately, no reason to break up.

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

And again, sticking by a spouse through times of war is one thing, paying the way for a bf you've just moved in with who has now been on the dole for a year is quite another...after all, people move country, leave their entire families behind for "mere finances", it's not quite the frivolous, vacuous motive people keep trying to push...

Given that the OP isn't exactly starving to death, or even living with a poor quality of life, I do maintain the vacuousness part.

Chinafoot

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you believe in 50/50 relationships where there is a large distance between the partners, we know that, but not everyone does. Some people have common finances and don't have 'your money' or 'my money', it's 'our money'.

There is no large distance between me and my partner, I simply disagree with your view of living in your partner's pocket and not letting your partner see any friends without you. There is a difference. I'm not married to my partner and therefore we have separate money. The OP is also not married to her partner and presumably has separate money.

To assume she's taking off over "mere finances" is such lazy thinking. You're seeing someone questioning her position and automatically going for the "you clearly don't love him" bullshít. She's been supporting him for a YEAR. He didnt lose his job last week, its been nearly a whole 12 months. She is entitled to want something more from her life than supporting a 33 year old man and missing out on her 25 year old youth. If that means shes someone a controlling person like you wouldn't want to be with...well, I'm sure she'll sleep easy at night.

Ickle Magoo

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I know. But I was illustrating a more general point. Anyway, that's a side issue: if she cannot afford him they can just live separately, no reason to break up.

I suggested that too - perhaps the whole paying, fighting, stress and so on has contributed to the OP falling out of love and the post is as a result of all the resentment that is starting to build? Wouldn't surprise me...

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Given that the OP isn't exactly starving to death, or even living with a poor quality of life, I do maintain the vacuousness part.

She's living a poorer quality of life than she was, than she was expecting to and than she wants to - for the sake of living with a man who can't afford his share of the bills and argues with her - I'd say that's anything but vacuous. Actually, it sounds pretty tortuous and completely pointless unless she is convinced there is a long term future for them, otherwise she's just sponsoring someone to make her miserable.

EnglishPollop

knowwhatyoumean wrote: »

Judging from what the OP said, she has been supporting him as well as herself for almost 1 year!. She hasn't disappeared as soon as he was made redundant. That's a long time to be supporting someone else in my opinion. I honestly believe that her boyfriend would have had a job months ago if he tried harder. A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

Are you serious? Jesus Christ, people like you really piss me off.

Do you know how hard it is to find work right now???

You should see the amount of jobs my partner applied for before he got his current job - he was always in FAS, at local jobs fairs, looking in papers/on the internet etc. With every job he applied for he offered to do a months free trial to show he was the right person...he applied for unpaid work experience to local businesses and numerous FAS courses and never even got so much as a 'thanks but no thanks' letter from any of these companies.

He is a grown man and I have seen him crying tears of frustration on more than one occasion, because he felt so worthless and useless.

It was heartbreaking to see the person I love more than anything in the world in this kind of state, and then I see people like you saying 'he should have tried a bit harder'...

You feel sorry for the OP because she has supported her OH for 12 whole months - a year is NOT a long time to be unemployed at the moment. As I said in my previous post, my OH was out of work for 18 months and I supported him all the way, as he would me if it was the other way round.

This is the man that I want to spend my life with and I would never think of leaving him because I cant go away with my friends for the weekend.

LegacyUser

knowwhatyoumean wrote: »

. I honestly believe that her boyfriend would have had a job months ago if he tried harder. A job is a job these days... people can't afford to be too picky about which one they go for. If you're willing to take any job at all, you'll get one.

err..........with all due respect you have no idea what you are talking about

my bf lost his job in november - he had a good job in computers. he has been been applying for every job possible just just in his field

trolley collector - no experience apparently

banana packer - over qualified

dishwasher in restaurant - no experience

all the computer jobs he used to do are not looking for people with masters where it wasnt necessary before.

he went for a tech support role and was told without a masters he hadnt got a hope. this job was paying 22k a year, the same amount which was being paid for the trolley collector job

you to come around to my house and get my bf a job - I DARE YOU

John Mason

ENGLISH POLLOP i agree with every single word you have said, i am in the same position with my boy at the moment

people who tell me he is lazy and he should have got a job by now, have no idea what they are talking about and the next person who says it to me i am going to do time for killing them.

i get asked everyday in work, if he has got a job and how many jobs he applied for the day before etc.

he has been refused from courses for being over-qualified - it is go frustrating

Silverfish

Ok, we've all established that it's near impossible to get a job in today's climate, that should not be news to anyone.

However, it's not the OP' s boyfriend who has posted looking for advice, the OP has posted looking to know should she continue to support him.

LighterGuy

Ha, I think this should be archieved for boards.ie :P I think this thread really shows peoples colours.

One could argue like most threads on here, its a case of what side of the coin users on here fall on. Things will always be a debate. Thats a given. Personally I think theres more here, peoples colours are shown here.

Lets take a look at both sides;

1,
On one side. It really shows what people are doesnt it? ... that if someone is "lacking" in something (doesnt have much money at the moment in this case) they are quick to have a problem. That its "ok" to just throw someone there. Obviously what about other aspects ... love ... having a connection ... Greatest example of looking out for your own interests. Personally I think that backs up the old saying "... its what you can do for me ... "


2,
Someone that doesnt have much money - why should you stay with them? why should you be paying for the majority of things if someone has fallen on hard times. Will this always be the way? thats not fair surely.


My point is I think its what people can do for you in this world. I personally see that as the view of the majority of people on here.

LegacyUser

wow I wasn't expecting this many replies!!

I started this thread in an moment of upset. In case he happened across the thread, I changed our ages. We are both a little younger than initially stated, although the age diff is the same. I didn't give any background to my situation really. We had just had a fight because he spent some of his part of the dole for this week on a couple of crates of beer for an impromptu house party, and left the house in a state for the best part of two days until I told him I was leaving if he did not clean it. And I now have to substitute his rent for this week as well as my own.

I love my partner, I do, and there is alot of people on this telling me that I clearly don't. He has been through hell this past year, we both have, and I have stuck by him. But this is my first time living out of home properly, and I was so excited about starting my life with him. Reality has hit me like a b*tch. But that's okay, I'm dealing, or trying to.

My main problem is that resent that the dynamic of our relationship seems to have shifted to a parent/child one. I've turned into a nagger, because (as petty as it sounds) housework is a major issue between us. He does NOTHING except read/watch TV while I'm at work, and I then have to come home to mess and barely even able to find a clean pot with which to cook dinner sometimes. The arguments we have about housework are so juvenile ('Why do I have to do it when YOU say I have to', 'I'll do it in my own good time').

He tries to look for work, in bouts. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself in the face of all the negativity and recession talk, and I know that he would LOVE to be back working. He will look for work like mad after we have a big fight, then it peeters off for a while and I highly suspect he doesnt look for ages, until our next fight and he starts again.

I also know that he hates me reminding me contantly about stuff, calls me his 'mammy.' BUT! When I dont remind him, this stuff happens:

He forgets to collect his dole.
He forgets to signs on
(both of these happened regularly for the first six months, until I had some very harsh words with him and now not so much- but I'm too afraid he'll miss his sign-on again so I remind him every month, much to his annoyance and usually instigating a fight)
He forgot to go to the VTOS interview I had arranged for him.
He forgets deadlines.

He is depressed. Definatley. And he had a sh*t upbringing with a sh*t family. These are not small influences on his behaviour.

I love him, and I so badly want a future with him, but not as it is, not with him behaving as he does. The hope I'm clinging to is that once he gets a job, routine will be reinstated. We will be able to have our separate lives as well as our together lives, and all the little things that are big issues now will not be big issues. Everything is magnified at the moment, into ridiculous issues, when they never used to be. We have a solid core, I just think it's all the outside influences that are wearing us down.

Sorry for the long post.

Ickle Magoo

Harsh but coming home to a messy house, having to cook dinner and himself having sat watching telly all day while expecting me to pay the bills would be an out and out deal-breaker - all the time while appearing to do very little to remedy the situation even more so. Perhaps moving out until things are back on an even keel is a good idea if you want to save your relationship because if things keep going the way they are I think the resentment is just going to keep building and building...

LegacyUser

I just can't see us ever getting back together if it gets to the point where we move to seperate places.

He's a great guy, and in his own way he does stuff for me and I know he appreciates me.

I'm also getting concerned that my family and friends have commented on how I'm not myself any more, and how much quieter and withdrawn I've become. If I do go out without him, I spend my night feeling guilty that he can't. If I go out with him, he feels guilty that he's using my money to buy drink. He doesn't go out without me that much, but he occasionally has a gathering at the house that works out very expensive as he gets very generous with crates of beer, takeaways etc. AND it usually happens on a weekday when I have work.

I know he needs a vent every so often, and I've no problem with that. But it's expensive for me, and his timing is terrible and I would occasionally like a break from the worry and the eggshells and the stress. That's what I meant in my first post about wanting money to go do my own thing.

Chinafoot

wee_problemo wrote: »

We had just had a fight because he spent some of his part of the dole for this week on a couple of crates of beer for an impromptu house party, and left the house in a state for the best part of two days until I told him I was leaving if he did not clean it. And I now have to substitute his rent for this week as well as my own.

Thats so out of order. If he wanted to have a party he should have spoken to you about it, particularly if it results in you having to sub his rent. Leaving the place in a tip for 2 days is also unacceptable.

wee_problemo wrote: »

My main problem is that resent that the dynamic of our relationship seems to have shifted to a parent/child one. I've turned into a nagger, because (as petty as it sounds) housework is a major issue between us. He does NOTHING except read/watch TV while I'm at work, and I then have to come home to mess and barely even able to find a clean pot with which to cook dinner sometimes. The arguments we have about housework are so juvenile ('Why do I have to do it when YOU say I have to', 'I'll do it in my own good time').

It sounds like you have a very unbalanced relationship at the moment and, personally, I couldn't accept that for myself. You're under 25 and you're helping to support your partner financially while he sits on his hole and has to be nagged about bloody housework? Feck that. He is being incredibly selfish.

wee_problemo wrote: »

He tries to look for work, in bouts. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself in the face of all the negativity and recession talk, and I know that he would LOVE to be back working. He will look for work like mad after we have a big fight, then it peeters off for a while and I highly suspect he doesnt look for ages, until our next fight and he starts again.

Again, unacceptable. You should not have to nag a grown man into looking for work. Yes its frustrating and disheartening being out of work, but you suck it up and you do your very best to get back in there. You certainly don't sit on your ass, not helping with housework and only looking for work after fighting with the woman who has stood by you.

wee_problemo wrote: »

He is depressed. Definatley. And he had a sh*t upbringing with a sh*t family. These are not small influences on his behaviour.

Well then he needs to acknowledge and deal with his past and how its affecting his future. Using it as an excuse ofr crap behaviour really isn't good enough.

wee_problemo wrote: »

I love him, and I so badly want a future with him, but not as it is, not with him behaving as he does. The hope I'm clinging to is that once he gets a job, routine will be reinstated. We will be able to have our separate lives as well as our together lives, and all the little things that are big issues now will not be big issues. Everything is magnified at the moment, into ridiculous issues, when they never used to be. We have a solid core, I just think it's all the outside influences that are wearing us down.

I hope that when he does get work things get better. However, something to bear in mind is that he lost his job shortly after you moved in together. There is a good chance that his behaviour, particularly with regards the housework, is something that is there already and has not been brought about by unemployment. I mean, he sees no issue with not helping out (unless nagged) while he's at home all day, so being in work for 8+ hours a day is hardly going to make him more keen to lift a finger.

OP, ignore the "you don't love him" rubbish. Its clear that you have been putting up with a lot more than most regardless of his employment status. He is being disrespectful to you and to your home by expecting you to pick up after him, calling you his mammy (happy to be treated like a child when it suits though, eh?) sub his rent when he decides to have a session without even speaking to you, and not even doing everything he can to get himself back working.

A serious discussion needs to be had with him OP otherwise, as Ickle pointed out, the resentment here will just build and build.

Fox McCloud

Jesus OP worst case senario after all the above posts.

I think during hard times people can get depressed and not be themselves but it really sounds like he has just shown his true colours.. and hes a selfish immature ass.

I'm unemployed, I know how tough it is but hes a grown man, if he cant remember to go collect his money then he sounds so lazy its bordering on disability. You've been the model partner here, getting him VTOS interviews and helping him to help himself..

At this stage your probably doing more harm than good. The more you do the less he'll do for himself. My advice would be to move out into seperate acomodation. Continue the relationship but serperate your finances. I dont know how you've supported him for a whole year with him not pulling his weight, I seriously doubt he'l ever be a nice person to live with if you have these problems with house work and forgetfulness etc. when he has all this free time. Can you imagine your future, if you guys have kids together, everyone in that house will call you mammy and you'l end up being responsable for ALL of them.

tenchi-fan

I think you need to start enjoying your life. You've been paying this guys way from you were 23-25 and it doesn't sound like you're having a good time.

What has he been doing during the past 2 years that he couldn't even get a minimum wage job.

He's living off you. In a way you resent him for it, and in a way he probably started to resent you. So take money out of the situation.. It's not about money, it's about your quality of life.

A bad situation is a bad situation. Stop paying his way. by the end of it both of you will be bitter. Do you really want to look back in 2 years to think, great, I'm 27, I have no savings, I didn't go abroad for a year like most of my friends, and my boyfriend still didn't find a job.. but he's applied for the back to education allowance so he can sponge off me for another 4 years.

PS I'd hate to come home to empty pizza boxes, a messy house, the couch pulled in front of the tv, a huge esb bill and silly arguments.

MsHolloway

Wow, op

While I completely understand that people can be depressed and bogged down when unemployed, there is still no excuse for his behaviour.

If someone was working all day and basically supporting me then the very least I could do is make sure the house isn't messy when they come home and make dinner for the both of us..

...Actually the thought just occurred to me.. is it an ego thing? Does he not want to become the "housewife", still though thats no excuse he needs to cop the hell on. It does sound like he would be lazy regarding housework whether he had a job or not, as others have said if he doesn't do it now with all this free time then will he really be doing it after 8 hrs of work??

I honestly believe that you have gone above and beyond your call of duty here, OP. And fair play to you. Its obvious you've tried your heart out here. But maybe its time you just take care of you and just look after you.

spinandscribble

You've tried your hardest but he's clearly not pulling his weight. This isn't about gender, if you were male and this was your gf we were speaking about i'd say the same thing.

LegacyUser

I'm very strongly considering leaving him. I left for 4 days about 2 months ago, went back to my parents house, but I started freaking out and had to come back, I missed him so much. But we haven't had a good run of it in the last week or so, some of the mean things he says to me have started sticking again rather than me being able to brush them aside, which is usually a sign of a fairly big stormy row brewing, and I don't think I can handle another one.

But if I leave, I worry so much about him not being able to cope, not being able to mind himself!! I know it's ridiculous, he's a grown man, he made it to his thirties without my help, but there's alot of stuff going on for him emotionally, and he's my best friend- the only person I have that I can be completely myself with.

When it's good, it's REALLY good, but when it's bad, it's REALLY bad. Hell, almost.

I honest to god don't know how people walk away from marriages, families and/or mortgages, it must be so hard. I can't even walk away from one man and our little rented house. I don't know how I'd muster the courage.

Will I always kick myself for not giving it the absolute best I could? Will I regret not waiting until he has a job again to see how we get on during the good times? How can anyone expect to build a life with me if I am a fair-weather GF, not hanging in there when times hit their worst? How can I honestly know if this won't work if all I've really seen is the negative, not the positive? Is it not just running away from the real world if I leave? Is it not just the shock of moving from under the umbrella of my parents protection to being not only self-sufficient but responsible for another person?

My mind is so foggy. One minute I think I have it all figured out, the next I'm doubting myself.

Chinafoot

wee_problemo wrote: »

I'm very strongly considering leaving him. I left for 4 days about 2 months ago, went back to my parents house, but I started freaking out and had to come back, I missed him so much. But we haven't had a good run of it in the last week or so, some of the mean things he says to me have started sticking again rather than me being able to brush them aside, which is usually a sign of a fairly big stormy row brewing, and I don't think I can handle another one.

You shouldn't have to be brushing aside anything. His unemployed status is not your fault and you hsouldn't have to walk on egg-shells around him when he isn't pulling his weight. Yes it sucks being unemployed, but unless he gets the finger out and actually tries to get himself out of that situation, nothing at all will change.

wee_problemo wrote: »

But if I leave, I worry so much about him not being able to cope, not being able to mind himself!! I know it's ridiculous, he's a grown man, he made it to his thirties without my help, but there's alot of stuff going on for him emotionally, and he's my best friend- the only person I have that I can be completely myself with.

When it's good, it's REALLY good, but when it's bad, it's REALLY bad. Hell, almost.

I think a very honest conversation needs to be had. Its unfair for you to be sacrificing so much in order to help him and getting such little in return. Relationships are give and take on both sides and it sounds like your partner is just taking. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his actions, you are not his mother. He should be doing far more than what you say he is to find work and he needs to address whatever emotional issues he has. If he values your relationship he'll be doing his best to make sure its a fair and loving one. I really feel for your situation as I'm sure you love him, but there is only so often we can cope with our love being abused.

wee_problemo wrote: »

I honest to god don't know how people walk away from marriages, families and/or mortgages, it must be so hard. I can't even walk away from one man and our little rented house. I don't know how I'd muster the courage.

I guess its all about self-preservation at the end of the day. I know that sounds cold but you can't keep yourself in a miserable situation that shows no sign of ending.

wee_problemo wrote: »

Will I always kick myself for not giving it the absolute best I could? Will I regret not waiting until he has a job again to see how we get on during the good times? How can anyone expect to build a life with me if I am a fair-weather GF, not hanging in there when times hit their worst? How can I honestly know if this won't work if all I've really seen is the negative, not the positive? Is it not just running away from the real world if I leave? Is it not just the shock of moving from under the umbrella of my parents protection to being not only self-sufficient but responsible for another person?

You have gone far beyond what most would put up with when it comes to his behaviour. Forgetting to get his money? I'm sorry but as an unemployed person this is presumably his only source of income, so I'm confused as to how he can simply "forget" to go get it. To me its like he just assumes you'll happily foot the bill. Thats not on at all. You are not a fair weather girlfriend at all! Its not like he lost his job last week, its been almost a year! And you are most certainly not running away from the real world if you decide you want more from your life. It sounds like your boyfriend is the one avoiding real life.

Have you talked your situation over with a family member or close friend? Someone you can confide in totally and try to get your head straight? You definitely need to tell your other half exactly how you are feeling and that the relationship can not continue as it is.

Denimgirl

don;t break up with him just both of you move back to each of your parents house until he gets sorted.or he can move in with relatatives if he does'nt want to live with them.Maybe the very thought of you talking to him about this and being serious about it may give him a kick in gear to start looking for work, even making an effort to everyday.say it to him without arguing say that your finding it a lot of pressure looking after all the bills and he does'nt seem to be looking for work or even trying to.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

You don't sound like you are ready to walk just yet so why not stay put and try to lay down some concrete ground rules and clearly defined roles and expectations? I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums but it might be fairer on him - and you - to set out your stall and be honest about how unhappy you are with the way things currently are and set a fixed amount of time in which significant improvements have to made before you start looking at alternative living arrangements for your own sanity...otherwise I think you are going to just drift along until you reach absolute breaking point and that's not healthy for your mental well being.

Best of luck.

Moomoo1

hmm... I think she has talked to him and it hasn't helped.

I don't see anything wrong with living separately until he wisens up