Cheating bf of 4 years

all4nothingxx

Ok so here goes.... i have been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years. Been through college while he was working (might i add ere i have been completely faithful throughout 4 years in college) .. All had been goin well until 3 months ago when i found out he has cheated on me :mad:.. He admitted he had been wit some1 in a nightclub and was fairly drunk...Obviously i was devasted and heartbroken and broke it off straight away... he wanted to fix things really bad and i needed some space so he agreed to give me that and said he didnt want to be wit any1 else... Only 2 weeks ago he tells me he was wit some1 else (just a kiss) while he was givin me some space... I am so so heartbroken over all this... I had very important exams to do during all this and i just cannot get my head around all this... He then says things have changed in his head and doesnt know how he feels.... I have been tryin to ignore his calls and texts but he has now started to make me feel like iv been the cheater. why cheat in a relationship of tat length?? .. i need serious advice on this please guys.. x

Denimgirl

I'm so sorry to hear your going through all of this especially when you have your exams to worry about, your at your most vunerable time,take a deep breath girl and think of you at this time.I can imagine how heart broken you feel I have a had a guy cheat on me in the past and it's like they ripped your heart out,it's a terrible betrayal of trust, to do to anybody.I'm not sure if you want to speak with him yet you probably want to concentrate on getting your exams over with first,if so just tell him you need to concentrate on your exams and him cheating on you while your doing this is distracting you to say the least!You need to have a chat though either way and discuss the future of your relationship,is'nt the fact that he's done this twice on you already though alarm bells?

all4nothingxx

It defo is alarm bells Denim Girl.... I just cant help think what did i do that made him do this??? y did he tell me he wanted to fix things nd he really loved me and then do it again?? I know the trust is gone.......

Denimgirl

You did'nt do anything wrong!Don't start thinking like that please!! he's being a selfish prat! he's kissing these girls and telling you straight out! he sounds like he's going on benders would i be right?he's probably looking for attention off of you and make you jealous he maybe insecure coz you said you wanted space (is he a head games type?) or if he wanted to break up with you would he be the type to say it straight out?

all4nothingxx

Denimgirl wrote: »

You did'nt do anything wrong!Don't start thinking like that please!! he's being a selfish prat! he's kissing these girls and telling you straight out! he sounds like he's going on benders would i be right?he's probably looking for attention off of you and make you jealous he maybe insecure coz you said you wanted space (is he a head games type?) or if he wanted to break up with you would he be the type to say it straight out?

Yes you are right... i have a very close relationship wit his family still and they cannot understand his behavior and have never seen him act the way he has since i broke it off wit him... no he would be the one to say it straight out... wel at least the guy i used to know.... i would also like to hear did any fellas go through this?! he seems to be takin it so well while i am tryin to get on wit my new life....

Monkey61

Okay firstly, a drunken kiss in a nightclub is nothing. People are only human and this kind of thing happens sometimes. Personally I wouldn't see it as something to end a four year relationship over. Plus he told you about it, which he easily could have just not.

3 months space is a lot to give you over one kiss. You were essentially broken up during this period and him kissing someone else, and telling you immediately, is also not a big deal I would say. Was he expected to wait around for an indefinite period of time whilst you decided what to do? That seems ludicrous.

A single kiss is either a deal breaker or not. I think if you want to break up with someone then do it, don't leave them dangling on a string because that is never a pleasant place to be and nobody is going to behave well under such highly pressurised circumstances.

Monkey61

Monkey61 wrote: »

Okay firstly, a drunken kiss in a nightclub is nothing. People are only human and this kind of thing happens sometimes.

Wtf? It is most certainly not nothing. Most of us, shock horror, are more than capable of controlling ourselves on a night out. It wouldn't be as bad as deliberately going out and cheating, no, but it's definitely not nothing :mad: :mad:

OP you absolutely did the right thing. Some people just do this, it has no reflection on you or anything you did so don't worry.

finbarrk

all4nothingxx wrote: »

It defo is alarm bells Denim Girl.... I just cant help think what did i do that made him do this??? y did he tell me he wanted to fix things nd he really loved me and then do it again?? I know the trust is gone.......

It's nothing that you did. It's just that he wants to do a bit of expereminting with other girls before he settles down for good. You both are probably too young for such a serious relationship anyway.
A break for a year would do both of you the world of good. It has happened loads of times that couples get back together after a break.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Some people cheat because, as one the posts above shows, some people have vastly differing opinions on what is and is not acceptable within the boundaries of a relationship. The important thing to remember is that what he did crossed the boundaries you have and that is all that matters. There are billions of men in the world and most of them can control themselves, drunk or no, why saddle yourself with one who clearly can't/doesn't want to and all the heartache that entails?

Chin up & best of luck.

Eve_Dublin

finbarrk wrote: »

It's nothing that you did. It's just that he wants to do a bit of expereminting with other girls before he settles down for good. You both are probably too young for such a serious relationship anyway.
A break for a year would do both of you the world of good. It has happened loads of times that couples get back together after a break.

He should have decided that before he chose the OP as his GIRLFRIEND. By calling her that, he made an unspoken promise that they´re exclusive...if he wanted to slap around then he should have ended it. If the trust is gone, there´s nothing and you´ll only drive yourself round the bend further down the line. I´m sorry for the upset he caused you OP but there´s plenty of men who wouldn´t do this and the very fact that you´re taking this harder than him speaks volumes. Be strong and move on.

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Okay firstly, a drunken kiss in a nightclub is nothing.

It's nothing to you, but it's not nothing to the OP.

Besides, he had cheated on her already, she took time off to re-evaluate the relationship and her position in it, and he kisses another girl in a nightclub and tells his girlfriend! He's his own person and it's up to him whether he can control himself or not, but I don't think the OP should put up with his indecisiveness.

A relationship is like a house, if it has a shaky foundation, cracks start to appear. Who in their right mind would buy a a house with a shaky foundation? Similarly who in their right mind would continue seeing a person who cheats? Headwrecker is written all over this

all4nothingxx

Monkey61 wrote: »

Okay firstly, a drunken kiss in a nightclub is nothing. People are only human and this kind of thing happens sometimes. Personally I wouldn't see it as something to end a four year relationship over. Plus he told you about it, which he easily could have just not.

3 months space is a lot to give you over one kiss. You were essentially broken up during this period and him kissing someone else, and telling you immediately, is also not a big deal I would say. Was he expected to wait around for an indefinite period of time whilst you decided what to do? That seems ludicrous.

A single kiss is either a deal breaker or not. I think if you want to break up with someone then do it, don't leave them dangling on a string because that is never a pleasant place to be and nobody is going to behave well under such highly pressurised circumstances.

3 months space?? it was month in after i found out he was wit some1 until he went off with some1 else..... I wasnt leaving him dangling.... it was his choice he wanted to fix things nd was prepared to wait but if you really wanted to fix things you dont go a kiss some1 else in my opinion... am i not right??

all4nothingxx

finbarrk wrote: »

It's nothing that you did. It's just that he wants to do a bit of expereminting with other girls before he settles down for good. You both are probably too young for such a serious relationship anyway.
A break for a year would do both of you the world of good. It has happened loads of times that couples get back together after a break.

I dont really think our age should come into it should it??? i will agree we are young enough but if he felt to young and wanted single life then he should of said it.... why do men want the best of both worlds?? i really believe i am going to have serious issues trusting future men...

Nidot

Ok first, it was a kiss, that's all, only a kiss, he didn't sleep with anyone and he didn't fall for someone, it was only a kiss.

Secondly, you did leave him dangling, three months is an age. If you wanted to decide to be with someone then it should only take a few days to sort out your head. Then you either want to be with them or not.

Yes he made a mistake. He admitted that. Yes you should punish him, you are doing that. But you have to make the decision do you want to be with him after this and can you thrust him after this. Make that decision and go with it. Stop dic*ing around with how you feel and getting this clear in your head.

Thinking about it for longer won't change any of the circumstances. It has happened now you need to move forward, one way or the other.

And before any Fem-Nazi's jump on me for this, think of what it would be like if it was the other way around. In the past people have posted the same post except reversed,a dn all the women have come out and said that it was only a kiss and they should get on with it. Don't make this a double standard.

all4nothingxx

Nidot wrote: »

Ok first, it was a kiss, that's all, only a kiss, he didn't sleep with anyone and he didn't fall for someone, it was only a kiss.

Secondly, you did leave him dangling, three months is an age. If you wanted to decide to be with someone then it should only take a few days to sort out your head. Then you either want to be with them or not.
.

Ok i DID not leave him dangling for 3 months... i was meetin with him the odd weekend to talk things through... Its been 3 months since he was with the 1st girl so really he was dangling for 1 month.... It was ALL HIS choice not mine... if you really love some1 it doenst matter the length you give somebody.... clearly you have never been cheated on and know wat i am goin through......

Nidot

Em actually I was cheated on. Don't assume what you don't know.

The person told me. She then broke it off with me. Yes I was upset with this. Then the person came back to me a week later saying how it was the biggest mistake they had made. I asked them to let me think about it, and I would tell them how I felt the next weekend. I decided that I couldn't thrust that person again so it would be too difficult to have a relationship with her.

The decision was made quickly, over-analysing the situation will not change anything, you need to confront the issue and make a decision based on this.

And by the way, she had kissed the guy and spent the night with him, so it was alot more than a kiss.

You need to make up your mind about this guy so you and him can both move on. If you're breaking up with him then breakup, don't carry on for another while, making the both of you miserable in the process.

all4nothingxx

Nidot wrote: »

Em actually I was cheated on. Don't assume what you don't know.

The person told me. She then broke it off with me. Yes I was upset with this. Then the person came back to me a week later saying how it was the biggest mistake they had made. I asked them to let me think about it, and I would tell them how I felt the next weekend. I decided that I couldn't thrust that person again so it would be too difficult to have a relationship with her.

The decision was made quickly, over-analysing the situation will not change anything, you need to confront the issue and make a decision based on this.

And by the way, she had kissed the guy and spent the night with him, so it was alot more than a kiss.

You need to make up your mind about this guy so you and him can both move on. If you're breaking up with him then breakup, don't carry on for another while, making the both of you miserable in the process.

We are broken up and i am trying to move on with my life and im assuming so is he..... i just wanted outsiders views on it all..... Friends and family know both of us and i wanted to see what an outsider thought of it all.....and anyway im glad i left it for longer than a week to think about it all bec it clearly showed he was goin to do it again so i wont agree wit quick decisions like a week in length...

Nidot

Good job so, look you've made your decision and now you need to stick to it.

If he is continuing to contact you, you need to tell him that this is never going to work as you cannot thrust him which seems to be the case. Thrust is the most important aspect of any relationship.

Kimia

OP can you stop using text speak it's really hard to read.

I agree with Nidot. People make mistakes sometimes. I would be very hurt if my bf kissed someone else but if he was very drunk and it was only the once i think i'd let it go. I know not everyone will agree with me but I don't think kissing someone drunkenly in a nightclub is a deal breaker. (Unless he was doing it every night).

If you're happy with him and he treats you well and this is a complete out of character abberation, I would let it go.

all4nothingxx

Kimia wrote: »

OP can you stop using text speak it's really hard to read.

I agree with Nidot. People make mistakes sometimes. I would be very hurt if my bf kissed someone else but if he was very drunk and it was only the once i think i'd let it go. I know not everyone will agree with me but I don't think kissing someone drunkenly in a nightclub is a deal breaker. (Unless he was doing it every night).

If you're happy with him and he treats you well and this is a complete out of character abberation, I would let it go.

Even if he done it while some of our mutual friends were in the same nightclub and seen it happen??? i feel way to disrespected to let it go and i strongly believe once a cheater always a cheater....

seenitall

Nidot wrote: »

Thrust is the most important aspect of any relationship.

Well... a good thrust is an important aspect to a good relationship indeed. It is absolutely paramount in the bedroom!

Trust, however, is even more important in a relationship! :cool:

On another note, OP, I agree with you that you made a good call for yourself, simply because of the way you feel about the whole thing. You don't trust this guy any more and you feel disrespected by him - there is nothing to ponder here really, is there? You will be better off on your own until you meet someone who you will be able to trust.

Moomoo1

all4nothingxx wrote: »

3 months space?? it was month in after i found out he was wit some1 until he went off with some1 else..... I wasnt leaving him dangling.... it was his choice he wanted to fix things nd was prepared to wait but if you really wanted to fix things you dont go a kiss some1 else in my opinion... am i not right??

you were broken up, so theoretically that second kiss wasn't cheating.

ok, he may have wanted to fix things, but at the time they weren't fixed...

all4nothingxx

its his behavior now thats really getting to me..... How can somebody change so much in space of certain weeks?? first he wants to get back then doesnt know and now treating me like crap for example if he texts and i reply then he wont reply.... going out the whole time and being a 'lads lads' in some respect and rubbing it in that he is single.... feels like he is trying to get some revenge on me... i really hope things get easier

Moomoo1

all4nothingxx wrote: »

its his behavior now thats really getting to me..... How can somebody change so much in space of certain weeks?? first he wants to get back then doesnt know and now treating me like crap for example if he texts and i reply then he wont reply.... going out the whole time and being a 'lads lads' in some respect and rubbing it in that he is single.... feels like he is trying to get some revenge on me... i really hope things get easier

well, I assume it's just that he managed to gradually get over you...

it has been three months...

just out of interest, what did you expect to happen when you broke up with him? Did you expect it to be temporary or not? And what did you say to him?

all4nothingxx

Moomoo1 wrote: »

well, I assume it's just that he managed to gradually get over you...

it has been three months...

just out of interest, what did you expect to happen when you broke up with him? Did you expect it to be temporary or not? And what did you say to him?

No its just been a month since were officially broken up...... i dunno i thought we could fix things.... he clearly has got over me....

LegacyUser

Nidot wrote: »

And before any Fem-Nazi's jump on me for this, think of what it would be like if it was the other way around. In the past people have posted the same post except reversed,a dn all the women have come out and said that it was only a kiss and they should get on with it. Don't make this a double standard.

So it was the exact same situation? A man posted that he was trying to figure out whether to continue seeing his cheating girlfriend, she cheated again, and all the female posters said that the kiss shouldn't be anything to worry about? Do you have a link to any of these posts by the fem-nazi's as you call them? And the OP would only be making a double standard if she had responded to this post you speak of saying a kiss shouldn't matter. Just because you think some women make double standards, it doesn't mean that all women do.
You talk about other people making assumptions. You're not averse to making them yourself.

Silverfish

Okay people can we keep this on topic with advice for the OP, rather than turning it into some sort of gender debate.

Thank you.

finbarrk

all4nothingxx wrote: »

I dont really think our age should come into it should it??? i will agree we are young enough but if he felt to young and wanted single life then he should of said it.... why do men want the best of both worlds?? i really believe i am going to have serious issues trusting future men...

I'll say it again. You both are too young for a serious relationship. You seem to be a sound and genuine lady. There is plenty of time for you to meet someone else as you clearly aren't happy with your lad now. More girls would let it brush off theirselves but everyone is different and it's not going to brush off you by the looks of it.

funloving

This guy cheated on you and you can't get over a drunken kiss..fair enough,it's your life and your choices..then you don't like the way he is handling the whole fixing things between you..

I honestly don't even see why you should waste time posting about this ended relation...
you don,t want to go back together and he's doing nothing for making that happen so end of.
it's over...move on..this guy is not into you anymore

LYDIABANK

I think if ye did get back together you would be always thinking of him cheating, it sounds like mental torture, anytime he goes out with out you ..you will be wondering what hes doing and becoming very paranoid.