Should I respond to my exes texts?

LegacyUser

Just broke up with my girlfriend of the past 6 months. It was a mutual breakup. We just wanted different things.

She's a wonderful person, who's been through some tough times. Her father ran out on her, her mam and her sisters as a child, and it's affected her ever since. She suffers from anxiety and mild depression, but she's on valium to control that.

So the problem is, since we broke up 2 days ago, she's sent me about 5 texts and tried to ring me 3 times, first asking how I was etc. I told her it's better if we don't talk for a while, as it'll help us both get over the relationship. Since then shes been saying that it's tearing her apart, me ignoring her completely, and reminds her of when her dad walked out on her and her family.

I have no intention of getting back together with her, or even seeing her as friends just yet. But since the first text, I've not responded or picked up at all. Is this the right way to handle things, or am I being cruel? Should I send her polite but firm responses explaining why we shouldn't talk to each other? Should I try and be friendly but platonic? I still like her as a person, and do care about her. And I know she's finding the breakup harder than I am. But I also have my own life to get on with, and I don't want to give her false hope.

Ickle Magoo

I think the "it reminds me of my dad walking out" smacks of emotional blackmail to force you back into contact with her. If you have no intention of ever getting back together with her then the kindest thing for both of you to do is to have no contact.

It's really up to you if you want to say that you won't be in contact/replying again and why - I don't think there really is a right or wrong way - but I'd be wary that it won't send the message that bombarding you with texts & calls and using emotional blackmail is the way to get you to respond...

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks Ickle.
I took your advice and ignored her texts. Now she sent me a email saying that she's realised that she made a mistake breaking up with me, and she wants to get back together, and that she's changed her mind about the reason we broke up.

Over the last week, I've come to a realisation that I was right to end it with her, as selfish as it sounds, her mental health issues were kind of bringing me down. So I definitely don't want to get back together even if she has changed her mind.

So what do I do now? Is ignoring this message the best idea? She's gonna be dying for an answer, but I can't exactly tell her the truth about why I don't want to get back together. She's got low enough self esteem, so I don't really want to make her feel worse about herself, and her problems.

Ickle Magoo

The cynic in me says you've ignored her texts/e-mails so she's revved it up a notch and she is now trying a different tact. If you don't want to get back together with her or give her any encouragement then the initial advice stands, ignore her and she'll eventually stop trying to get you to respond - tho be aware she may try varying techniques and get progressively more aggressive/desperate the longer you decline to engage with her...

If it makes you feel better, reply with a single e-mail outlining what you said in your post and tell her that you won't be replying to any more contact and then stick to that regardless.

It's a tough situ for everyone, cruel to be kind and all that. Best of luck.

Denimgirl

Your gonna have to reply to the girl,I think ignoring someone is trying to head wreck especially if she has self esteem issues, just say that you don't want to be with anybody right now and you think she think of herself at the moment from family problems you could say it in a diplomatic way to her.it would maybe make her think and then realise she needs to get herself together.

fungun

I agree with Denimgirl, you need to give some response, otherwise where will this end?
I think an email reminding her that her response is an understandable reaction in the first few days would be appropriate, but remind her of the reasons you split and be polite but firm that you dont want to have contact and wont be replying again.

Was it really mutual (I question this; even when both parties kind of agree there is usually one person pushing a bit more....from the sounds of it this might have been you?)? If this is the case then she might not have actually wanted to break up, but thought she would be ok.....just bear this in mind. But either way I would provide one response and in the response make it clear you do not want contact for now and wont be replying again.

Virgil°

I agree with Ickle.
I think if you contact her at this stage all its going to do is tell her that her method of bombarding you with messages, emails and lets face it emotional blackmail actually works.
You don't want to be her boyfriend again and you said you don't want to be her friend for the moment. It might be harsh on her(at least initially) but its your life and nobody can or should try to make you do otherwise.

I seriously would not send her anything at all. I think even if you told her to "f*** off" at this stage it would feed into her hope of getting you to reply.

LegacyUser

yes, better to reply once telling her that you think the breakup is good for both of you and then you dont wanna get back together. thanks her for the good times you once shared and said it's time to move on. tell her also it's better for both of you not to contact and move on. you said you dont want to get back together and dont think you two can be friends at this moment. lastly state that you wont reply any of her txts, emails and calls anymore for the good of you both.

and then, you can ignore her completely, no matter what she does.

TitoPuente

I'll play devil's advocate here and recommend that you give her the support and friendship she needs, especially if she's as emotionally damaged as you say. That is of course if you're strong enough yourself to provide that friendship and support without getting too tied up emotionally and letting your better judgement slip by getting romantically involved with her again. I'm guessing if she has emotional abuse and abandonment issues then she may not have treated you particularly well in the relationship so you may be hurting quite badly from that which would be understandable. At the end of the day though, it's not something you should take personally.

It would say a lot about you if you were able to help and support this girl as a strong-headed friend. Under the circumstances, I don't think anyone would blame you for cutting off all contact completely though. It just depends on how you're approaching the whole thing in your own head. Do you care for her enough to remain friends?

fungun

TitoPuente wrote: »

I'll play devil's advocate here and recommend that you give her the support and friendship she needs, especially if she's as emotionally damaged as you say. That is of course if you're strong enough yourself to provide that friendship and support without getting too tied up emotionally and letting your better judgement slip by getting romantically involved with her again. I'm guessing if she has emotional abuse and abandonment issues then she may not have treated you particularly well in the relationship so you may be hurting quite badly from that which would be understandable. At the end of the day though, it's not something you should take personally.

It would say a lot about you if you were able to help and support this girl as a strong-headed friend. Under the circumstances, I don't think anyone would blame you for cutting off all contact completely though. It just depends on how you're approaching the whole thing in your own head. Do you care for her enough to remain friends?

Also depends on his personality though. For me, when I was breaking up in the past, there were times Id say anything to stop a woman crying. Even to the point where she would be given hope when there was none and this was actually bad for her long term.

If she has some good friends, they can offer her objective emotional support then let her get her support there....an ex-bf cannot and should not, sounds like in this situation he can never be completely truthful with her without hurting her...so better to stay apart