His obsessive closeness to his brother has torn us to bits

LegacyUser

I don’t really know where to start with this to be honest. The decision is already made so I don’t suppose there’s any point in asking for advice on that score. I guess it just may do me good to hear other posters take on this situation and also posting will give me the opportunity to say some things I don’t want to say to anyone else.

I’d been with my partner for the guts of ten years and we split up two weeks ago, reason being I find I am consistently prioritised behind his brother in just about any situation you can think of. I am sick of it, devastated with it, and though I never wanted to break up there was no other choice if I wanted to preserve my self-respect.

He would spend time around five days a week with his brother, sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes all day. This regularly involved his breaking plans we’d made or turning up late, me left standing out in the street waiting for him to turn up or standing at home looking at yet another burnt dinner.

His brother, for some mad reason I’ll never understand, seemed to have some jealousy issues around my partner’s relationship with me, and he would call and text my bf up to God knows how many times a day – so often that we’d never even be able to eat a dinner in peace or watch a film, never be able to get through two pints down the local without the brother calling or texting, never be able to get a straight night’s sleep as he would be still texting waking us up out of our sleep at 1.30am. We often weren’t even able to have a ride in peace, for God’s sake!

I remember one particular time we were driving through a major roundabout and the brother texted, my partner went to read the text and I flipped. I shouted: “It’s bad enough not being able to have a dinner in peace or a straight night’s sleep because of this fcuking texting, I’m not prepared to fcuking die over it”. This is the level of insanity I’m talking about...

I’m in tears typing this because I cannot believe our relationship has crashed over something so blatantly out of order. I cannot believe my partner saw this as acceptable, but he did, and as far as he was concerned anything I had to say about the situation stemmed from some sort of irrationality or overreaction on my part.

He’d always been close to his family, which was fine needless to say, but this obsessive behaviour started about a year ago and there came the point recently where I could just take no more. My partner was a million miles away from willing to tell his brother that there is such a thing as boundaries and that it wasn’t appreciated, him calling/texting all the hours God sent. Far from it, in fact, if anything he actively encouraged it.

I feel I’ve been given no choice but to walk away but I just cannot express how sad I am, along with feeling embittered, disappointed, let-down and depressed. I guess if there is any advice anyone can give me, I’d love to hear some along the lines of how to move on from a long relationship that has ended with feelings as negative and bitter as this.

Cheap Thrills!

Oh my God.

You so did the right thing.

I would have gone mental with that carry on. Total disrespect for you.

The ironic thing is no future girlfriend will put up with it either and it's only then that the penny will drop with him how bad/weird and inappropriate his behaviour was.

Chr!st, there is no accounting for the stupidity of 'adults' sometimes.

Its such a shame he wasted an otherwise good relationship over something so ridiculous.

LegacyUser

You've no idea how comforting your words are to me Cheap Thrills. I'm absolutely devastated that he cannot see how off the wall and inappropriate this has been, but thank God at least I'm not the only one to think so.

The worst part of it is that it's not like his brother had been going through a hard time or anything like that, there was no actual supportable reason for any of this - just that his brother wanted to be in touch with him all the hours God sent and I was expected just to put up and shut up.

Cheap Thrills!

Unfortunately your ex's actions speak louder than words Very bad that he let it come to this.

What was the Brothers situation? Was he with anyone? or Single...?

Anyway, I know its a cliche but you deserve better.

Denimgirl

moving-on wrote: »

I don’t really know where to start with this to be honest. The decision is already made so I don’t suppose there’s any point in asking for advice on that score. I guess it just may do me good to hear other posters take on this situation and also posting will give me the opportunity to say some things I don’t want to say to anyone else.

I’d been with my partner for the guts of ten years and we split up two weeks ago, reason being I find I am consistently prioritised behind his brother in just about any situation you can think of. I am sick of it, devastated with it, and though I never wanted to break up there was no other choice if I wanted to preserve my self-respect.

He would spend time around five days a week with his brother, sometimes for a couple of hours, sometimes all day. This regularly involved his breaking plans we’d made or turning up late, me left standing out in the street waiting for him to turn up or standing at home looking at yet another burnt dinner.

His brother, for some mad reason I’ll never understand, seemed to have some jealousy issues around my partner’s relationship with me, and he would call and text my bf up to God knows how many times a day – so often that we’d never even be able to eat a dinner in peace or watch a film, never be able to get through two pints down the local without the brother calling or texting, never be able to get a straight night’s sleep as he would be still texting waking us up out of our sleep at 1.30am. We often weren’t even able to have a ride in peace, for God’s sake!

I remember one particular time we were driving through a major roundabout and the brother texted, my partner went to read the text and I flipped. I shouted: “It’s bad enough not being able to have a dinner in peace or a straight night’s sleep because of this fcuking texting, I’m not prepared to fcuking die over it”. This is the level of insanity I’m talking about...

I’m in tears typing this because I cannot believe our relationship has crashed over something so blatantly out of order. I cannot believe my partner saw this as acceptable, but he did, and as far as he was concerned anything I had to say about the situation stemmed from some sort of irrationality or overreaction on my part.

He’d always been close to his family, which was fine needless to say, but this obsessive behaviour started about a year ago and there came the point recently where I could just take no more. My partner was a million miles away from willing to tell his brother that there is such a thing as boundaries and that it wasn’t appreciated, him calling/texting all the hours God sent. Far from it, in fact, if anything he actively encouraged it.

I feel I’ve been given no choice but to walk away but I just cannot express how sad I am, along with feeling embittered, disappointed, let-down and depressed. I guess if there is any advice anyone can give me, I’d love to hear some along the lines of how to move on from a long relationship that has ended with feelings as negative and bitter as this.

This is only going on a year and your with him 10 years?I personaly would be thinking if he was only saying this was his brother when in fact it was someone else!All this my brother my brother is a bit weird are you sure he was'nt playing away from home?

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Unfortunately your ex's actions speak louder than words Very bad that he let it come to this.

What was the Brothers situation? Was he with anyone? or Single...?

Anyway, I know its a cliche but you deserve better.

The mad thing is that his brother has a partner and a toddler. Wonder how long that happy family situation will last?! It'd make more sense if he was single I know, but there is no aspect to this that makes any sense to me.

And yes, my ex's actions speak louder than words for sure. Seems like he's a lot more growing up to do than I thought. He's in his late thirties by the way, not that you'd know it.

This is just such a long time to invest in a person who turns round and spends the last year acting like an utter arsehole, it is very hard not to feel bitter where I'm at in my head right now.

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

This is only going on a year and your with him 10 years?I personaly would be thinking if he was only saying this was his brother when in fact it was someone else!All this my brother my brother is a bit weird are you sure he was'nt playing away from home?

Yes Denimgirl that is one thing I am sure of. Funny thing is I nearly wish it was another woman - wouldn't be so fuppin weird - I'd at least understand where he was comin from with that!!! Lol... Ah sure I suppose you have to take your laughs where you can find them...

Denimgirl

Ha.. He obviously has no back bone and can't say no to his brother is he a type of fella that can't make a decision by himself and he asks his bro for advise?His bro I say is jealous of his relationship with you and knows your now ex dances to his tune?is his bro recently single? misery likes company!

LegacyUser

movin-on you are definitely better off without this guy.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Went out with a guy who once left me in the middle of dinner one night to go and meet his mother to carry her shopping bags to her car for her, which was parked less than a 5 minute walk from where she was!!!!! He couldn't see why I was upset, I'd cooked dinner and he left before eating it to carry her bags.

Strange people in this world. Family loyalty is one thing but behaviour like your ex's and mine is soooooo far past that its bizarre! Hope this has given you a laugh and you feel a bit better. Take care.

ash23

Is his brother going through some sort of problems? Financial, mental health issues, depression?

Just wondering as you say it's only been the last year that this has been going on.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Is his brother going through some sort of problems? Financial, mental health issues, depression?

Just wondering as you say it's only been the last year that this has been going on.

Thanks everyone for the replies. No Ash, his brother is going through none of those problems, but just now it has occured to me that the birth of his child may be causing him to rebel against his responsibilitites and perhaps this is fuelling his 'let's hang around with the lads' mindset.

It isn't what's fuelling his brothers behaviour that concerns me really though, what concerns me is that my partner was prepared to continually prioritise me behind his brothers whims. That's what really stings, and it stings like hell. We had been talking about having kids shortly, but there's no way I was willing to bring a kid into that and basically end up a single parent while my childs father pandered to his bloody brother all day every day. I am dealing with so much anger right now and sadness too because all our plans for the future have gone up in smoke.

ash23

Moving-on wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies. No Ash, his brother is going through none of those problems, but just now it has occured to me that the birth of his child may be causing him to rebel against his responsibilitites and perhaps this is fuelling his 'let's hang around with the lads' mindset.

It isn't what's fuelling his brothers behaviour that concerns me really though, what concerns me is that my partner was prepared to continually prioritise me behind his brothers whims. That's what really stings, and it stings like hell. We had been talking about having kids shortly, but there's no way I was willing to bring a kid into that and basically end up a single parent while my childs father pandered to his bloody brother all day every day. I am dealing with so much anger right now and sadness too because all our plans for the future have gone up in smoke.

Well no, I just know that if one of my family were going through something serious (not just a rebellious phase) then I would be there for them even if it meant annoying my partner while I did that.
If it's just a case of wanting to party then no. Had it been depression or something, I would have been saying to give it time.

Gone Drinking

My opinion? i don't have both sides of the story, or all the facts, so i can't really comment.

I would say though that a 10 year relationship is probably worth working on, rather than throwing away over this.

Ps, you sound very bitter though, espicially with that "i wonder how long that happy family will last?!" comment

LegacyUser

Gone Drinking wrote: »

My opinion? i don't have both sides of the story, or all the facts, so i can't really comment.

You could say that about any post in PI.

Gone Drinking wrote: »

I would say though that a 10 year relationship is probably worth working on, rather than throwing away over this.

I'd been warning my partner about where his behaviour was bringing us long it finally brought us there, but he carried on regardless. I didn't throw the relationship away. He did.

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Ps, you sound very bitter though, espicially with that "i wonder how long that happy family will last?!" comment

I am embittered, I've already said so. I believe anyone in my shoes would be embittered unless they were some kind of saint. I have no bitterness whatsoever towards that young family though. I seriously do wonder how long they will last as a unit, because there is a woman involved here who is dealing with her babys father running out the door every five minutes and living his life with his phone stuck to his ear.

I'm sorry to say I don't fancy their chances as a family because if I have already hit breaking point you can be damn sure any new mother watching that carry-on out of her baby's father is going to feel ten times worse.