Marry his way or not at all

LegacyUser

My boyfriend promised me we would get engaged this summer, we are together 4 yrs and live together for a year.
We spoke about getting married again at the weekend in and he dropped the bombshell that he wanted us to get married with just the 2 of us, no family or friends. He said if i want my big fairy tail wedding(i just want family and friends there, nothing massive) then i will have to pay for it myself.
I find that very selfish.
I told him last night that maybe if we went away with just family , i would be ok with that, he didn't give me a yes or a no, but to be honest, having a wedding without any of my friends there, i don't think it would be the joyous day that i was hoping for.
It coming to the stage where i don't think i can stay with him and be forced to marry in a way that i am very upset about.
so do i just get on with it? or forget the whole relationship.

OS119

i may be getting the wrong end of the stick here OP, but it sounds like your BF is quite happy to get married (you know, the big, important, life-long commitment to each other), but couldn't give a fcuk about the wedding (the tiresome, ridiculously expensive day where you surround yourself with people you have to pretend to like, eat food you'd normally throw in the bin, and listen to a band you'd normally throw dog turds at).

perhaps he just refuses to spend effort and money on something he believes to be a complete waste - maybe he'd rather spend that money on a nicer house, or a better school for your children...

you're an adult, if you want something, you have to pay for it - your 'dream wedding' isn't going to a be a joint purchase because your BF isn't remotely interested in all that crap, so yes, if you want this for you, and it it will only be for you, then you have to foot the bill.

if you wish to dump a boyfriend becuase he has a grip on reality, and has priorities other than spending the deposit on a house on a big party, then you go ahead - i'm sure his next fiance will be very grateful...

paperclip2

Marriage is about compromise. Its fine for you to want a celebration with friends and its fine for your fiance to want your wedding just to be you two. But if you are planning on being together for the hereafter then you are both going to have to sit down and work out a wedding that ye are happy with. Its not ok for one of you to make a unilateral decision here.

OP have you sat down and calmly explained why you want your friends there and really listened to his reasons for wanting a smaller celebration?

Its just my two cents but marriage is a celebration where two people publicly declare that they are in love and want to be together forever. No, it doesn't have to be done in front of a cast of thousands (shudder), but having your families and a couple of close friends does not seem like an unreasonable place to start the discussion.

I'm also wondering why he is seems to be so reluctant to have anyone at all present.

Good luck with it OP. And congrats on your engagement.

ManOfMystery

OS119 wrote: »

i may be getting the wrong end of the stick here OP, but it sounds like your BF is quite happy to get married (you know, the big, important, life-long commitment to each other), but couldn't give a fcuk about the wedding (the tiresome, ridiculously expensive day where you surround yourself with people you have to pretend to like, eat food you'd normally throw in the bin, and listen to a band you'd normally throw dog turds at).

perhaps he just refuses to spend effort and money on something he believes to be a complete waste - maybe he'd rather spend that money on a nicer house, or a better school for your children...

you're an adult, if you want something, you have to pay for it - your 'dream wedding' isn't going to a be a joint purchase because your BF isn't remotely interested in all that crap, so yes, if you want this for you, and it it will only be for you, then you have to foot the bill.

if you wish to dump a boyfriend becuase he has a grip on reality, and has priorities other than spending the deposit on a house on a big party, then you go ahead - i'm sure his next fiance will be very grateful...

That's a very cynical view of it, and you're also talking about 2 extremes : no wedding vs a huge wedding.

Whilst her bf may think it's a waste, the OP certainly doesn't. However, she is willing to compromise and he isn't - therein lies the problem.

The OP's other half doesn't even want family at it, which I think is a bit OTT and indeed, selfish.

Dudess

OS119 wrote: »

i may be getting the wrong end of the stick here

By god you certainly are - the OP just said she's disappointed because she'd prefer her friends and family to be there, the rest of what you posted was all in your head...

ilovetosing

OP your BF is being a douche tbh! WHEN I marry my girlfriend even if I am smashed broke (i assume the big issue with him is money) I will be raising hell to get her the exact wedding she wants weather it be big or small. His total lack of comprimise here when he and every man knows that most women have the day mapped out since they are young is a joke! You said you just want friends and family without it being too big and that would be "your perfect wedding" and as the man who Loves you he should be making that happen plain and simple. I think if you stick to your guns tho you will get what you want!

Emme

Would you be happy to compromise and have a registry office wedding with just members of your immediate family present?

You're together 4 years now so I'm sure you know him well enough and that he has nothing to hide.

rustynutz

ManOfMystery wrote: »

That's a very cynical view of it, and you're also talking about 2 extremes : no wedding vs a huge wedding.

Whilst her bf may think it's a waste, the OP certainly doesn't. However, she is willing to compromise and he isn't - therein lies the problem.

The OP's other half doesn't even want family at it, which I think is a bit OTT and indeed, selfish.

I can kind of see his point to be honest, he is not refusing to compromise, he has said if she wants the big day he will go along with it...he just won't pay for it. The big Irish wedding is a charade imo and most people I know dread getting an invite to a wedding unless it is really close family or friends, especialy now when everyone is counting the pennies.

LegacyUser

Why dont the two of you get married abroad & then have a party when you come back. The party needn't cost the earth and this way you're both getting what you want.

Dudess

rustynutz wrote: »

The big Irish wedding is a charade imo and most people I know dread getting an invite to a wedding unless it is really close family or friends

Again, that's all the OP is looking for so all this talk of extravagant weddings is redundant, obtuse and disingenuous.

It's really not that difficult to tell the difference between a ludicrously ostentatious affair and a simple gathering of nearest and dearest.

Kimia

What a load of crap. First OP, he 'promised' you you'd get engaged? What the hell is that - you should both be delighted that you're getting married and excited and looking forward to it - but that sounds like you had a gun to his head and he finally relented.

Now to even further his bitterness about being forced into it he's refusing to acknowledge it at all. What kind of a man are you if you're giving out about the bride's mother and father being there? It's insane!

He sounds like he doesn't want to get married at all. Sorry. It's one thing to compromise about budget etc, but to firstly have to promise you that you're getting engaged (why?) and then refuse to have anything to do with the wedding/family etc, it's just strange.

moco

Kimia wrote: »

What a load of crap. First OP, he 'promised' you you'd get engaged? What the hell is that - you should both be delighted that you're getting married and excited and looking forward to it - but that sounds like you had a gun to his head and he finally relented.

Now to even further his bitterness about being forced into it he's refusing to acknowledge it at all. What kind of a man are you if you're giving out about the bride's mother and father being there? It's insane!

He sounds like he doesn't want to get married at all. Sorry. It's one thing to compromise about budget etc, but to firstly have to promise you that you're getting engaged (why?) and then refuse to have anything to do with the wedding/family etc, it's just strange.

I agree, it's very unreasonable for him to expect you not to want family and friends there. If both people want that then fine, but very few people would want to get married without at least their parents and a few friends there. It sounds like he doesn't want to get married at all so is making unrealistic demands hoping you'll forget about the whole thing.

LegacyUser

Weddings are a girls day out, the lads are only there to make up the numbers and to provide the excuse for the day.

All well and good for any girl to want her "big day", but for 99% of lads it's just a huge expense and a party to keep her happy.

Tough call. One wants the big party, the other wants to be fiscally prudent and does not want to waste a truck-load of money.

iguana

I would have LOVED for my wedding day to have just been me and my husband and nobody else but the essential witnesses and registrar. LOVED it! To me our wedding was about the two of us and the commitment we were making, I really didn't want anybody else there as it had nothing to do with them. I felt like everybody else was intruding on a deeply private, incredibly intimate moment. It's not a huge regret but if I could do it over I'd definitely push harder to have made it our day and nobody else's.

Your BF sounds like he feels the same as I did and is willing to compromise but he is not willing to pay for it himself. Which imo, sounds more than fair. If you consider your money joint money then it will be easy for you to decide what you want and pay for it. If you do have joint money then a possible compromise is that in return for that money paying for the wedding you want, he can choose the exact holiday he wants as a honeymoon. (Or put a sum toward the computer/tv/car he really wants that you don't).

Kimia

Iguana, how is it a compromise if he won't even agree to having her family there?

It just doesn't sound like he's making any effort whatsoever. None.

kayos

Kimia wrote: »

Iguana, how is it a compromise if he won't even agree to having her family there?

Read the first post again and show me where the OP's boyfriends is point blank refusing to have her family there? He is refusing to pay for it but not refusing to get married if they are present.

StillWaters

marriage wrote: »

He said if i want my big fairy tail wedding(i just want family and friends there, nothing massive) then i will have to pay for it myself.

This struck me, when you get married, all assets become joint assets. Money will come out of the communal pot (unless your parents are footing the bill).

However, I'm sorry to say it sounds to me as if this chap isn't keen to get married at all, and you are the one doing all the pushing, to get engaged, to get married.

Its time for a frank discussion with yourself, and then with him.

Ickle Magoo

First of all I think it's a bit strange that anyone should have to promise to get engaged, it should be something you are both leaping at if it's really the right thing to do. Second of all, I think suggesting you are not sharing the costs involved so your wife-to-be can have her parents & siblings witness her big day is just bizarre behaviour, discussions about rather having an elopement I can understand but deliberately putting obstacles in the way of your prospective spouse inviting their family to the wedding is waaaaaay odd.

OP, I think you need to have a serious chat with your other-half. Marriage should be all about wanting to make the other person in your life happy, compromise & discussion - you need to ask yourself if getting married at the moment is the right thing to do if this is how he feels, perhaps you'd be better off putting off any engagement or wedding until you've come to a decision re the wedding & he really wants to get engaged. I don't think weddings are hugely important but if a partner told me if I wanted my parents at my wedding, I could pay for it myself, it would raise several red flags about the kind of guy I was marrying.

Best of luck.

Oryx

I think this one is too hard to call from the limited information in the op. I have no idea what this relationship is like, if the op is pushy, or if the reluctant fiancee is just not into marriage, or shy about being the centre of a big event, or against spending the money.

If I thought this guy was trying to avoid marriage per se, Id tell the op to think very carefully about pushing for such a big commitment with him. Its never good to force someone into doing something just for their partners sake. Its not that the relationship would be over, but youd need to talk long and hard about what is important to you both, and why.

If its a financial issue, then thats prudent, and not a bad thing. It is worrying that he is only prudent on his side of it, the op could pay if they wanted! Again, without being a fly on the wall, you cant really advise. I have no idea if he is a miser or the op is a spendthrift. That would have a big bearing on what is going on here.

The only thing that does come across is that there seems to be resentment about it already, on both sides. Even in such a short post, it comes across. I think you need to find out where his head is at, op, without any pressure to actually do or plan anything. Just allow him to tell you how he feels about marriage, and a wedding and all that follows from that. It may help you see why he is being like this.

LegacyUser

OP HERE
Thanks for all the replies....

To suggest that i want this big lavish day is not right really.
He wouldnt be very close to his family, he gets on with them and visits them etc, but he just wouldnt mind if he got married without them there.
I on the other hand am very close to my family, i also have an 8 yr old son...so to suggest that i get married without even him there, is very unfair.
i dont have a big circle of friends, but i would have about 10 friends that i would like to invite, along with aunts and uncles.
he has a large circle of friends, we spent more time with them than we do with mine, but he doesnt care if they are at his wedding or not.

i dont think i am asking too much to have a nice day with family and close friends present.
For years i have been thinking about my dress, flowers, what way i'll do my hair, bridesmaids and grooms men, and what colours would they wear. i have a long list of first dance songs..songs that i have looked hard for, and made sure that the words descibe us just right..
and now this..
no wedding
no first dance..
no family.
it just doesnt seem fair...

iguana

Kimia wrote: »

Iguana, how is it a compromise if he won't even agree to having her family there?

It just doesn't sound like he's making any effort whatsoever. None.

He isn't refusing to have them there, he's refusing to pay to have them there and saying she can pay for it if she really wants it.

LegacyUser

And when the children come along....if you want one sure....but you can pay for it? He sounds reluctant if anything OP. And in 4 years you havent even broached the subject of marriage? Buyer beware I think.

Mr Benevolent

marriage wrote: »

We spoke about getting married again at the weekend in and he dropped the bombshell that he wanted us to get married with just the 2 of us, no family or friends.

That's very, very, very odd. Is he normally like this?

iguana

Marriage wrote: »

i dont think i am asking too much to have a nice day with family and close friends present.
For years i have been thinking about my dress, flowers, what way i'll do my hair, bridesmaids and grooms men, and what colours would they wear. i have a long list of first dance songs..songs that i have looked hard for, and made sure that the words descibe us just right..
and now this..
no wedding
no first dance..
no family.
it just doesnt seem fair...

But if that isn't what he wants and he has an idea in his head that he really wants it's just as valid as what you want. Sorry but being female doesn't give you automatic right to have your feelings come first on your wedding day.

Mr Benevolent

iguana wrote: »

But if that isn't what he wants and he has an idea in his head that he really wants it's just as valid as what you want. Sorry but being female doesn't give you automatic right to have your feelings come first on your wedding day.

It does in 99% of cases! She's going to have to work out a compromise, but compromising between no guests and a fairytale wedding is frankly impossible.

LegacyUser

Confab wrote: »

It does in 99% of cases! She's going to have to work out a compromise, but compromising between no guests and a fairytale wedding is frankly impossible.

I never mentioned a fairytale wedding.
I just want my 10 close friends, and my family - that is not a fairytale wedding in any sense of the word..
yeah i would love to have a big wedding, but i know we (i) cant afford it.
I compromised to family and close friends, but he is dead set on just me and him.
Is it so wrong for me to want to walk down the isle, and have my dad give me away?

Whispered

OP, it does seem unfair. Have you explained to him how much it means to you? It seems unsual for him to not even discuss it. Why not ask him if he could compromise to have immediate family there for your normal wedding format, then a big party after, on the day, with none of the usual formalities that cost so much but will still warrant you getting your dress, having your dance etc?

MistyCheese

iguana wrote: »

But if that isn't what he wants and he has an idea in his head that he really wants it's just as valid as what you want. Sorry but being female doesn't give you automatic right to have your feelings come first on your wedding day.

Okay, there's what the OP wants, and then there's what her boyfriend wants. She has said she is willing to talk about compromising the details, he has said "Just us, or nothing at all."

OR, she can pay for everything. But does that not make it purely her wedding, with him just showing up? Shouldn't two people who plan to spend their lives together try to reach a compromise so that the first day of their married lives is a day in which the two of them are equal partners? Start as you mean to go on.

OP, there will be other decisions in life that you and your husband will need to make together. This mans "my way or the highway" approach does not bode well.

The fact that he does not wish to include your son is very bad. It's not just the two of you, it's the three of you.

castle

Warning signs are here,take hint and dump him

John Mason

op, how many people do you want at your wedding?

what is your budget ?

okay, your bf only wants the 2 of you there

what is his budget ?

you both need to sick down and dicuss what you both want - when you know this you can start the comprise e.g. a big fancy holiday where you get married and come home and have big party.

a small, immediate family wedding and a small holiday etc.

personally, i am with your bf - i would love my wedding to be just the 2 of us, in vegas with an elvis impersonator but we comprised on having 25 people in registry office and i dont have to wear white or have bridesmaid but he is going to have grooms men

LOL not that we are planning on getting married in the next 10 years but at least we both know where we both stand and what we want

you need to talk to your bf calmly, contrary to common believe and all the girls in my office, its not all about you

Kimia

kayos wrote: »

Read the first post again and show me where the OP's boyfriends is point blank refusing to have her family there? He is refusing to pay for it but not refusing to get married if they are present.

Here you go:

We spoke about getting married again at the weekend in and he dropped the bombshell that he wanted us to get married with just the 2 of us, no family or friends.

OP, he doesn't even want your son there? F*ck that, I'm sorry, but that doesn't bode well for the marriage if he doesn't even want your son at your wedding. How strange!

KittyeeTrix

Some women want a big wedding and some want a small wedding which is quite obvious.....
Personally I wanted a smaller registry office wedding with my close friends and family and my husband agreed which was fine, however if I had wanted a massive over the top wedding he would've gone along with that too!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my husband would've bent over backwards for me for our wedding day to be excactly how I wanted it!!!

He certainly would not have given a ridiculous ultimatum about such an important day in our life. I would never marry someone who would issue such an ultimatum and seriously would advise my own daughter against it either!!

Chucky the tree

fluffyorganic1 wrote: »

Some women want a big wedding and some want a small wedding which is quite obvious.....
Personally I wanted a smaller registry office wedding with my close friends and family and my husband agreed which was fine, however if I had wanted a massive over the top wedding he would've gone along with that too!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my husband would've bent over backwards for me for our wedding day to be excactly how I wanted it!!!

He certainly would not have given a ridiculous ultimatum about such an important day in our life. I would never marry someone who would issue such an ultimatum and seriously would advise my own daughter against it either!!

Not every man gives up their balls and agrees to become a door mat when they get a girlfriend though.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Dudess

OP wants a party, her fiancé wants it to be just the two of them - it's BOTH their day so it would be unfair if one footed the bill and the other didn't. Not at all saying the guy should jump through hoops for the girl (I personally don't like how that's sometimes accepted as the way things should be) but, as has been said, compromise/a bit of sacrifice are integral to a relationship. Something in between a party and just the two of them would be the fairest - e.g. a registry office wedding with just close family and friends, followed by a small shindig. Maybe have everyone back to your place OP? Get friends/family to help out with food etc? Actually I think that would be a nice way to do things - that's just my opinion anyway.

Point-blank refusal to help out financially the woman who is sharing his day though strikes me as quite pig-headed.

How Strange

Myself and OH were in complete agreement on what we wanted from day 1 so we were very lucky as we didn't have this dilemma. However, I'm sure if I'd wanted the bells and whistles and the fairy tale day out he would've said no. He'd abolutely hate that. He also wouldn't have wanted to get married in a chuch. As I said, luckily we were in agreement on these things.

OP, I really think there has to be a compromise here for both of you. Perhaps you can't have all your aunts, uncles, friends etc at the wedding but he has to compromise on his 'only the two of us' as well otherwise you foot the bill. I don't believe all this crap about it's the woman's day out and give her everything she wants (and speaking as a woman) that's utter BS. It's a day for the two of you and it should be a celebration whether there are just two of you there or 100. If one person is feeling short changed or hard done by then it's not going to be much of a celebration.

If neither of you can find a compromise on how you're going to get married then it doesn't look good in the long term for your marriage. This is only the first of many compromises you'll have to make.

Also the idea that you have to pay for anything more than the two of you is quite offensive. If you get married you will share your finances at least legally so it's not good that he's in this mindset of your money and my money.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation because it certainly takes the gloss of your engagement but the two of you need to sit down and knock heads together to find a reasonable solution.

KittyeeTrix

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Not every man gives up their balls and agrees to become a door mat when they get a girlfriend though.

Maybe not Chucky but 18 years later and 4 kids, I can guarantee you that his ba**s have been well taken of for that beautiful thoughtful gesture of allowing me have the wedding day that I wanted!!!
He doesn't issue me with ultimatums because he knows excactly what would happen if he did (can't be written about here cos of charter rules);)

Seriously tho', he wasn't that arsed about the semantics of our wedding day as long as I was happy and ultimately that is what made him happy:), and still does!! That said I wouldn't have subjected him to a monstrous big flashy wedding if I knew he wasn't into that kinda thing and I honestly don't think the OP is doing this to her bloke.
I guess I just got a diamond who didn't mind "giving up his balls" temporarily for a day.......:rolleyes:

Again OP, I'd be weary of the man who can't seem to compromise at all

tbh

If my missus had wanted to get married in the nip surrounded by clowns with the ceremony conducted by dogs, I would have done it. ok maybe not the clowns.

JKM

Myself and OH were in complete agreement on what we wanted from day 1 so we were very lucky as we didn't have this dilemma. However, I'm sure if I'd wanted the bells and whistles and the fairy tale day out he would've said no. He'd abolutely hate that. He also wouldn't have wanted to get married in a chuch. As I said, luckily we were in agreement on these things.

I'm in the same position as you How Strange. But I don't see it as lucky that me and my OH agree on the way that we are going to get married, I see it as proof of our compatability. To me it's a fundamental part of our relationship that we agree on the way that we want to commit the rest of our lives to each other.

Question for OP. You've been going out with your boyfriend for four years, during which time you've been conjuring up ideas about flowers and dresses and you're dad walking you down the aisle etc etc. At any stage during the past four years have you discussed this with your boyfriend? And if so what was his opinion then?

If it's a case that he agreed with you in your various discussions on the matter over the years and is now all of a sudden changing his mind, then it looks like you've been mislead. And if that's the case maybe you should have a long think about whether this is the man you want to marry.

If it's the case that you decided for whatever reason not to let him in on your thoughts about your ideal wedding day, then it seems to me that he's the one who's been somewhat mislead.

I myself find it extremely hard to believe that you had no clue that this is the idea he had on getting married. Burying your head in the sand perhaps, hoping that when it actually came down to it he would change his mind?

Maybe you could clarify for us to what extent you had discussed it previously?

LegacyUser

OP Here.

We have been discussing marriage with the last 3 yrs. we are both in our 30's and we have always had a very good relationship, we are very much in love and are very happy together. we want to have kids and we want to be married first.

We have a mortgage, but its not a very large one..under €100 grand.
he doesnt want the expense of a wedding, which is the main reason that he wants to make it as small as possible - i.e just the 2 of us.

For the last 3 years, he was saying, whatever wedding you want, i'm fine with it..but only recenty 2 of his friends eloped and thats what got that idea in his head.
he is a very shy person, and isnt too keen on all the attention on him..doesnt want to make a speech , even though i've told him he doesnt have to..

As i've said before, i dont want a big fancy wedding, i just want something small, but all the important people in our lives there too. I would do everything as cheaply as possible, i will buy my dress from the pink pages if it keeps the cost down..and i am not into things like a videographer, or fancy cars etc..

nkay1985

Marriage wrote: »

As i've said before, i dont want a big fancy wedding, i just want something small, but all the important people in our lives there too. I would do everything as cheaply as possible, i will buy my dress from the pink pages if it keeps the cost down..and i am not into things like a videographer, or fancy cars etc..

Hey OP,

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable but you will have to find a compromise between what you want and what he wants. What you want isn't a massive wedding by some standards but that doesn't mean you are immune from giving a little in a compromise.

There needs to be a calm discussion where you say what you want and he does likewise. Then you suggest that you find some middle ground. I'd say an acceptable option might be immediate family and the closest of friends. For our wedding in November, we're only having parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, godparents and friends and obviously partners. You said you want your 10 friends and your uncles and aunts. To him that might seem like needless exppenditure and you'll have to accept his feelings on the matter, even if you don't agree.

It is normally the case that whatever the woman wants, the woman gets but that doesn't make it right. Find some middle ground and work it out. If he refuses to even compromise, then you're in trouble because that is unacceptable.

KittyeeTrix

nkay1985 wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't think you're being completely unreasonable but you will have to find a compromise between what you want and what he wants. What you want isn't a massive wedding by some standards but that doesn't mean you are immune from giving a little in a compromise.

There needs to be a calm discussion where you say what you want and he does likewise. Then you suggest that you find some middle ground. I'd say an acceptable option might be immediate family and the closest of friends. For our wedding in November, we're only having parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, godparents and friends and obviously partners. You said you want your 10 friends and your uncles and aunts. To him that might seem like needless exppenditure and you'll have to accept his feelings on the matter, even if you don't agree.

It is normally the case that whatever the woman wants, the woman gets but that doesn't make it right. Find some middle ground and work it out. If he refuses to even compromise, then you're in trouble because that is unacceptable.

Absolutely agree with this post...
Have a chat with him about how you could maximly compromise and then take it from there!!
Good luck:)

peasant

Marriage wrote: »

For years i have been thinking about my dress, flowers, what way i'll do my hair, bridesmaids and grooms men, and what colours would they wear. i have a long list of first dance songs..songs that i have looked hard for, and made sure that the words descibe us just right..
and now this..
no wedding
no first dance..
no family.
it just doesnt seem fair...

No matter how much or how little it costs, how many or how few people attend ...the way you describe it there, it's still a BIG wedding.
Big in the sense that the slightest disappointment, a bum note in a first dance song for example, will turn it into a catastrophy.

If I were your OH, I'd be scared sh*tless at the thought of all the stress, anxiety and preparation involved in such a wedding and would very much try to steer you towards a low key, romantic, far away wedding.

Having done just that myself (my wife was in favour of it too, though) I would highly recommend it.

It started our marriage on a very personal note and in a very relaxed way ..the best way to do it IMO

Silverfish

peasant wrote: »

No matter how much or how little it costs, how many or how few people attend ...the way you describe it there, it's still a BIG wedding.
Big in the sense that the slightest disappointment, a bum note in a first dance song for example, will turn it into a catastrophy.

If I were your OH, I'd be scared sh*tless at the thought of all the stress, anxiety and preparation involved in such a wedding and would very much try to steer you towards a low key, romantic, far away wedding.

Having done just that myself (my wife was in favour of it too, though) I would highly recommend it.

It started our marriage on a very personal note and in a very relaxed way ..the best way to do it IMO

The OP stated that she just wanted her parents and her son there, and at a push maybe 10 of her friends, I would consider that pretty small. And she would buy her wedding dress from the pink pages and not have a videographer or cars - I think she was stating all that to give details of how much she is willing to give up for him.

I also think that if he will not allow her son to be there, he is being extremely unfair. The important thing for you to do now OP would be to emphasise to him how important it is for you to have your parents there, and your son. If he can't see that, it may be a warning sign that what's important to you might not be important to him, that causing a rift with your parents and your son just so he is happy... not the best way to start married life.

You have to try and talk to him about this, I know my parents would be devastated if I was to get married and not invite them.

peasant

On reading the thread again, I think it is not an issue of who exactly is or isn't going to attend this wedding or how much or how little it is going to cost ...but rather this is the problem

Marriage wrote: »

he is a very shy person, and isnt too keen on all the attention on him..doesnt want to make a speech , even though i've told him he doesnt have to..

peasant wrote: »

If I were your OH, I'd be scared sh*tless at the thought of all the stress, anxiety and preparation involved in such a wedding and would very much try to steer you towards a low key, romantic, far away wedding.

The poor guy is scared ...not of getting married to you ...but of the kind of wedding you've been planning in your head for so long where everything has to be just so.

Is there any way you could relax your stringent standards a bit, make him feel more relaxed about it and slowly get him into your camp?

Ickle Magoo

Telling someone if they want their son to attend their wedding he won't be helping to pay for it is a pretty odd way of showing fear tbh...

peasant

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Telling someone if they want their son to attend their wedding he won't be helping to pay for it is a pretty odd way of showing fear tbh...

Did he say that? Or did the OP even say that, for that matter?

I don't think so ...but in case he really did (and meant it) then there is no point in discussing this any further ...you couldn't possibly marry a person like that.
In case he didn't though, you ought to be a bit more careful about what exactly you read inbetween the lines of someone elses third hand conversation.

Ickle Magoo

marriage wrote: »

he wanted us to get married with just the 2 of us, no family or friends.

Pardon me for actually reading the OP...

iguana

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Pardon me for actually reading the OP...

Tbf, you are still applying your own interpretation. It isn't as if he said he'd like it to be just the two if them, she said well I'd really like my son to attend at the very least, and he got in a strop and told her the boy was only welcome if she covered his costs.

He wants them to get married just the two of them, not everything a couple does will include their children. He appears to see the wedding as an intimate moment between just the two of them. Which, while not the popular view, is still a common enough and understandable feeling. I'd be surprised if he was opposed to just the OP's son also attending.

peasant

he wanted us to get married with just the 2 of us, no family or friends. = what the OP wrote

Telling someone if they want their son to attend their wedding he won't be helping to pay for it = Ickle Magoo's interpretation

Ickle Magoo

The OP has already stated "i also have an 8 yr old son...so to suggest that i get married without even him there, is very unfair."

She says in the opening post "He said if i want my big fairy tail wedding(i just want family and friends there, nothing massive) then i will have to pay for it myself."

Now, I'm not sure what kind of mental gymnastics you need to do to interpret a fearful groom running scared from that...or which part of "just the two of them" or "no family" means that he'd be open to have even the three of them there? While I agree that couples choose not to do everything with their children, we aren't talking about a couple with their children, we're talking about a man about to become this child's step-father and wishing to exclude the child from the wedding, now that's a very sensitive situation to be so bull-headed, no?

Speaking of applying your own interpretation, if he was so scared why would he be fine with it as long as she pays? That aside, if fear is indeed the reason he's refusing to entertain the idea of sharing the costs of having his wife-to-be's nearest and dearest at their wedding then I think he needs to grow up and say that instead of playing silly games with her and inferring it's all about the money...hardly the ideal open and honest way to start married life.