Dating a 2nd cousin?

rsta

I just found out my partner dated a second cousin. To me this is ****ed up. I would not even look twice at anyone remotley related to me. Its just weird.

He thinks its fine. Says it happens all the time in America... Well thats America, this is Ireland.

I am totally weirded out by this. We are together almost 3 yrs.

Any thoughts?

I'm freaked out now thinking how this will affect our relationship in the future. Like if he thinks its ok to date a cousin, what other morals will he disagree with me on.

muinteoir09

Why does it freak you out? Is it an incest thing?

Second cousins means that you share great-grandparents on one side so not really all that close. I don't even know who most of my second cousins are so hypothetically I could end up with one of them.

Also, what morals are you afraid he will disagree with you on? After three years, don't you have a good grasp of the other person's moral outlook?

Moomoo1

I always thought even first cousins are ok. Certainly where I come from (in Eastern Europe) that's fine.

So I wouldn't worry. Second cousins only have one common set of great-grandparents, so at most a quarter related, probably less (unless their grandparents were identical twins).

rsta

Yep it is the incest thing mostly. Plus the fact that maybe thats all that was on offer if you know what i mean.

Ah I just think its so awful and weird to date a relative. Plus he lyed to me abou it.

I love him, but now I'm like freakin over this. Seriously of all the people .... a cousin

Nevyn

You can legally marry your second cousin, it's not illegal or incest.
You can get a dispensation to marry your first cousin.

It's not that unusually it's just that you havn't heard of it before.

rsta

Thanks for the info.
I dont' know if I can get past it.
It just sounds and feels so weird.

I hate this.

rsta

I'm gonna break up with him.

Zaph

So in the space of half an hour from your first post to your last post in this thread you've decided to break up with your partner of 3 years over something that's a) perfectly legal; and b) not all that uncommon? If it's not incest in the eyes of the law, then it's not incest, simple as that. If you're going to judge him over something like that, then maybe he's better off without you. If, on the other hand, you want to split up because you feel he lied to you and there are trust issues, then I suggest you sit down and have a proper talk about this before making any hasty decisions.

muinteoir09

I call shenanigans.

But if this is a genuine thread OP, you need to get over it. Firstly, it happened in the past. Secondly, as has been stated, it's not incest. Thirdly, it is unfair to assume that the relationship existed because your partner couldn't do better.

If you cannot get over these things (especially the third as it shows you lack respect for your partner), then maybe you should break up and let him move on. Also, when exactly did he lie?

Still reckon on shenanigans though...

Moomoo1

Shenanigans call seconded

Nevyn

Saying or implying a post is a troll is off topic posting, if you have an issue with a post or thread report it with out passing commment as

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

rsta

Thanks for the replies, I've had some time to think it over.

He lied about the whole thing, meaning he has dated more than one 2nd cousin. I found out by complete accident yesterday when talking to his 1st cousins girlfriend, I was saying how alike one of the girls we were out with looks like him. And she went and spilled it all to me. I tried to talk to him about it last night, but he just closed up and went to bed ignoring me. (Which is fine cos he'd had a few drinks, I hadn't had as I was driving).

TBH its the lying thats more upsetting to me than the dating cousin thing, but that is weird too.

It just gives weird hillbilly thoughts.

I'm gonna let him come to me to talk about it. He knows what he did by lying and I don't know why he bothered to tell me these half truths in the first place, and let me belive ****. He knew I'd run into these people in the future, so knew Id find out. His fam are pretty close and we see them all the time.

Uhhh this is so annoying. The last thing I need.

rsta

muinteoir09 wrote: »

I call shenanigans.

But if this is a genuine thread OP,............

Still reckon on shenanigans though...

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Shenanigans call seconded

How can yous two call 'shenanigans' ? Duh I'm a genuine and registered poster.
If you have no advice or info to give, go and post your 'shenanigans' elsewhere.

zxcvbnm1

To be honest, personally i woyldn't go near my 2nd ousins witha a barge pole.
It is too weird for me.

Hazys

OP, would you be as freaked out if it was his 3rd or 4th cousin?

LegacyUser

I think alot of the issues in the past about dating first/second cousins etc stems from the understanding (or lack of it) of genetic illnesses. Before our knowledge of DNA, all people knew about certain illnesses was that they seemed to occur if the parents were too closely related and so it was to be avoided. In some religions where a particular disease was common, a member was appointed to record the families in which it had occured and ensured that members from two such families did not marry. Nowadays, with our greater understanding of genetics and far more varied gene pools I don't think relationships between 2nd cousins is really an issue. 2nd cousins share 1 great grandparent, and so even if that great grandparent had a defective gene, each of the 2nd cousins would have a 1/8 chance of having inherited it (1/64 chance of both inheriting it I think?). If my genetics are wrong someone please correct me!!

Also my experience of americans is that they are far more open about illnesses, especially genetic ones, and would be more likely to get themselves tested to outrule such diseases then we would here. It probably doesn't seem like much of an issue to him. However if its the lying thats the issue, thats another issue entirely. Could it be that he was reluctant to admit the truth about having dated more than 1 second cousin when he saw your reaction to it?

kjl

Well, its not like he had kids with his cousin, so I don't get what your problem is. It's a lot more common than you think.

How exactly did he lie to you, by not telling you? Maybe he didn't see it as relevant, and if his family didn't have a problem with it, then why do you?

whatsamsn

Didnt Shelbyville Manhattan found Shelbyville to marry his cousins? lol.

Ok i'll be serious. Erm I guess its not freaky. I mean there are more freaky things to do. However, if anyone said to me they dated a cousin I'd see it as they didnt have many options at the time or they were desperate perhaps. That mightnt be the case. Maybe they got really well. But with the amount of fish in the sea, it definitely would be the first conclusion I would be thinking. That this person had a lack of options at the time.



I wouldnt see it as freaky. But being honest if I was dating a person who did and they were with me, it might perhaps have a little mental game going on. Like if you were willing to date a cousin am I really that much of a catch? ... I know that might be a stupid way of thinking. But dating a cousin really does sound like lack of options. I'd be second guessing if I was a lack of option too. lol. Just being 100% frank i guess. Dont know if people would agree.

rsta

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

To be honest, personally i woyldn't go near my 2nd ousins witha a barge pole.
It is too weird for me.

Thanks, glad I'm not the only one.

Hazys wrote: »

OP, would you be as freaked out if it was his 3rd or 4th cousin?

Prolly not as, but still weird.

Terri26

To be honest I would find it a little off putting too especially if they grew up together as kids knowing they were related if you know what I mean. Although I do realise it is legal etc I would find it a little icky. However maybe if they met as adults and didnt know they were related I woudl have less of a problem with it. I guess the idea of knowing you were related, growing up as cousins and hanging out together I would find weird!!

rsta

kjl wrote: »

Well, its not like he had kids with his cousin, so I don't get what your problem is. It's a lot more common than you think.

How exactly did he lie to you, by not telling you? Maybe he didn't see it as relevant, and if his family didn't have a problem with it, then why do you?

They did have a problem with it. I think that could be why the first relationship finished.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Didnt Shelbyville Manhattan found Shelbyville to marry his cousins? lol.

Ok i'll be serious. Erm I guess its not freaky. I mean there are more freaky things to do. However, if anyone said to me they dated a cousin I'd see it as they didnt have many options at the time or they were desperate perhaps. That mightnt be the case. Maybe they got really well. But with the amount of fish in the sea, it definitely would be the first conclusion I would be thinking. That this person had a lack of options at the time.



I wouldnt see it as freaky. But being honest if I was dating a person who did and they were with me, it might perhaps have a little mental game going on. Like if you were willing to date a cousin am I really that much of a catch? ... I know that might be a stupid way of thinking. But dating a cousin really does sound like lack of options. I'd be second guessing if I was a lack of option too. lol. Just being 100% frank i guess. Dont know if people would agree.

Exactly. Thanks for your input. Thats kinda how I feel.

I just can't understand why someone would go there. Like of al the people in the world, why date or even actually even fancy a relative...

Dunno what to do or think. He is off doin his own thing today. Not talking to me.

And someone said about him not telling me or bein honest about it cos of my reaction. yeah that would be right. I was totally freaked over the first one. He was like well we fancied each other. Uhhh weird. And she was wayyyy younger than him at the time. I wonder if she looks back on her relationship with him and thinks wtf.

I think they only broke up cos of his and her family disaproving. So if they approved would they still be together and does he regret that he's not with her. Am I second best? Ahh so many questions going through my head.

Denerick

Chances are you don't know even half of your second cousins anyway. Don't see the problem at all.

whatsamsn

rsta,
the only thing is you've been with him for nearly 3 years. That says alot. If you were with him a few months... i could see why you'd be a little put back by it. It would be a "hold on a second" type of thing.

Due to the time you've been with him. Its not so clean cut. In fact its probably something you can overlook.


Not to go deeper into another topic (which will connect to why i mention it at the end) But I think one of the biggest problems these days is finding someone who wants to be with you because you are you. I find alot of people stay together for the "bond" rather than the person (aka, being with someone cause it beats being single) Thats why I say finding out someone who dated a cousin kinda gives me alarm bells of they were willing to take anyone at one point. Lack of options. (with all the fish in the sea like) This falls into why I would be thinking would I be a lack of option too? (If i was with someone who did.. that could be seen by other users on here as foolish thinking but it would be a possibility i would access)

But as I said above, you are with him 3 years. Surely feelings have developed. Its not so clean cut. Its not the worst thing he could of done.
There are plenty worse. For me swinging is one of them. I couldnt date any woman who "swinged" - thats just my own preference but you can see the differences. Dating a cousin isnt as bad.


Personally I think you have to sit down and ask yourself what you want. You are with him nearly 3 years. Ask yourself is this just a shocking reaction to hearing about it, or is this something you cant really look past? ... if you broke up with him? would you miss him?

Its just soul-searching at this point.
My personal opinion with this is, your with him nearly 3 years. If you want him / love him. You can easily move past it.

Moomoo1

whatsamsn wrote: »

Thats why I say finding out someone who dated a cousin kinda gives me alarm bells of they were willing to take anyone at one point. Lack of options. (with all the fish in the sea like) This falls into why I would be thinking would I be a lack of option too? (If i was with someone who did.. that could be seen by other users on here as foolish thinking but it would be a possibility i would access)

but there's a _huge_ amount of conjecture in there. Yes, it could be that he went with his cousin for a lack of options. But it could equally be that he went with her because he truly had feelings towards her - if you've already found the 'right' person then 'options' don't matter? How do you tell which one it is?

And since one should (imho) always try to see the better side of one's OH, we really should encourage the OP to assume the latter - that they got together because of genuine feelings for each other. Why should he be effectively be punished later in life because his first girlfriend happened to be a relative? Is that fair?

whatsamsn

You make good points Moomoo1.
I dunno, it is tricky situation.

It would be unfair to discount maybe he had feelings for her. I did take that on board. But personally, I still think it was probably a case of him having a lack of options. But thats just my own opinion.

But I think either way its probably irrelevant. I think the op being with him nearly 3 years is the key issue ... i still think that it can be forgotten about. Thats due to the time they've spent together. Its not the biggest issue she could of found out about his past and its certainely something thats not an immediately broke-up-able aspect.

If she was only with him 6 months, for me personally if I was in the same situation, i would be worried I too would perhaps be a lack of options partner. I think thats the only issue here. That mental mindgame something like this could bring up.

But as I say its 3 years. Op you really should ask yourself what you want You've been with him for 3 years This is not the biggest thing you can find out about someones past you've had 3 years with him. I didnt read in your post that he was a jerk or anything. If you're happy ... move past!

Moomoo1

I am sorry, but I just don't take the 'lack of options' argument at all. Because you can apply this argument to any 'slightly out of norm' relationship - wide age gap, people of different backgrounds, between friends, between work colleagues... you just open a whole can of worms there. And rather than damn such a large number of people with the 'you were just desperate' label I'd prefer to think that they did get together for the 'right' reasons.

whatsamsn

Its just a matter of opinion Moomoo1
We are all bound to have different opinions on subjects. Thats Mine and yours is yours. With the facts and information we both read. Either of us isnt wrong at this point. Its more so personal judgement on the situation :P

So just realise you think what you think, and I think what I think. It really is that simple :P

m@cc@

rsta wrote: »

He lied about the whole thing, meaning he has dated more than one 2nd cousin.

Is this actually true?

jessiejam

So what your saying is he went out with his 1st cousins daughter? What kind of an age gap was there I mean what age was he and what age was she when it started. How far did it go? did they grow up together, were they close as cousins before this happened?

amybabes

my aunt married her first cousin

she was raised in ireland, he was raised in america - they had no contact all of their lives and only met in their early 20s.
it caused alot of upset but they fell in love and got married. they did have problems having kids though dunno if it was down to the closeness of genes, alot of miscarriages and one still birth etc. but had 2 healthy kids after a lot of trying.

I was grossed out by it when i was younger but then again, all of my first cousins bar one were raised within a five mile vicinity of me and there was no escaping them! :pac:

muinteoir09

jessiejam wrote: »

So what your saying is he went out with his 1st cousins daughter? What kind of an age gap was there I mean what age was he and what age was she when it started. How far did it go? did they grow up together, were they close as cousins before this happened?

Your second cousin is not the child of your first cousin. Your second cousin is someone with whom you share a great grandparent, as has been pointed out earlier in the thread.