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I can't get over her past...

  • 26-05-2010 9:39pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Ok so here it goes...

    I've been going out with this girl for a year now and I am crazy in love with her and she with me, when I'm not with her I'm thinking about her and when I am with her I'm thinking about when I'll next get to see her again. We talk at least two times a day on the phone as we only get to see each other once a week.

    She is 23 and I'm 24. She is my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual partner (I know, it's weird as I'm 24, but I had a complicated childhood). She has had 3 previous boyfriends, 8 months, 2 months and 10 months respectively. She also kissed some random guy who she didn't know on a flight 2 years ago and she has this close friend who she says she has both kissed and not kissed.

    I'm so hung up on her past, the 3 ex's and especially the stranger she kissed on the flight (I just can't believe she'd do that) and her friend who she won't tell me the whole story about. I can't stop picturing her with these guys, it drives me insane, I just wanna bang my head against the wall sometimes. To me she is so pure, so perfect and when I think about her with these guys it kills me but I can't stop.

    Now I admit, it has gotten easier the longer I've been with her but it still haunts me, the images and the thoughts I can't get out of my head. I just want to know will it go away?

    We have talked and want to spend our lives with each other, it's just and I know this will sound so lame but, am I missing out by staying with this girl, the first girl I have ever been with? On the one hand I feel like I should be 'sowing my wild oats' or whatever but on the other hand I just want her and no one else.

    Please, any advice is welcome. This girl means the world to me, and I never want to loose her, it's just her past drives me insane.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 170 ✭✭carmel27


    Sorry if this seems abrupt, but you HAVE TO GET OVER IT. We all have a past. And to be fair, her's isnt that colourful. If anything, by todays standards, she's led a pretty quite life thus far. There are people out there who have much bigger issues from their partners past to deal with, such as children, divorce, custody battles etc etc etc. should she have sat back and just waited for you to come into her life?!!!! No disrespect intended but, seriously, BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    you really need to get over it compared to a lot of ppl theses days her past is tame to say the least if you want to ruin what you have then keep going

    too many people get hung up on what happened yesterday when there is nothing you can do about it you need to focus on today and tomorrow where things are relevant

    everyone has a past just because she is your first everything you cant expect every one to be that way get over it or break up cause you will either wreck your own head or end up resenting her for the life she had before you and what you need to ask yourself is "is that worth it?" doubtful


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    especially the stranger she kissed on the flight (I just can't believe she'd do that)
    I'm surprised you're so shocked by that... it is NOTHING. Even "sexually unadventurous/inexperienced" people kiss strangers. Surely lots of people you know have done that? Perhaps you have yourself?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 90 ✭✭unclecessna


    Everything that's been said is true. You will get over it in time but you need to help yourself here and not shoot yourself in the foot over something trivial like this before you do.

    I can kind of see where you are coming from looking at it from your perspective in that you have no prior experience with other girls whereas she has and as such you feel a bit insecure/intimidated. But what you have to remember is that the past shapes who we are now. If she had not had those fairly tame past exploits then she might not have become the person you are attracted to now....

    As for her seeming pure to you, well she probably is but even the purest people have sex drives and needs just like everybody else.

    The thing is not to dwell on all this - a valuable lesson has been learned here i.e. do not ask about your current partner's exes unless you can handle all the gory details. (I never do it myself after one particular incident a long time ago although these days I don't think it would even bother me anymore)

    The important thing is that she is with you know through her own free will so don't go and spoil it all by dwelling on water that's long gone under the bridge.

    And oh yeah, I think sowing wild oats is overrated. It gets vapid very quickly and dosen't compare in the slightest to a healthy and happy relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 34,788 ✭✭✭✭krudler


    OP get some perspective, 3 boyfriends and a random kiss? thats not exactly a life of debauchery, from the thread title I was expecting you to find out she had slept with 100 men or something. Thats even below average peoples sexual experience at her age. get over it or it will ruin this for you. And then you say you want to "sow your wild oats" double standard or what? its ok for you to be with multiple women but not her to be with anyone else but you? get over yourself.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey bro, had something similar going on myself at one point believe it or not.
    Really what I found was that it's not that I needed to score other girls, but just prove to myself that I could if I wanted - which may sound lame, but that's what was for me.

    It's like a sort of jealousy/intimidation thing as one person pointed out.
    I know what your saying - just them images of your perfect girl with someone else with their hands on her etc. And just the worst part being, she wants their hands on her.

    It's a nothing really bro.
    It's really a matter of building confidence in yourself to the point where you don't feel intimidated by her past experiences.

    Ask yourself right now - if you finished with this girl tomorrow, how sure would you feel you could get with another girl as nice as her.

    Hope that helps a little. Hit me up no problem if any questions.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    Yeah, as has been said, that's an insanely tame past for you to be getting hung up on.

    No, you don't need to be out sowing your wild oats. Stick with her, and do your best to put it out of your mind.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP - if this is continuing to eat you up inside then I suggest you finish it.
    Otherwise all you will do is torture both her and you - and there is nothing she can do to stop you. Actually there is nothing she should be doing here - whatever is going on here is all down to you and your brain.

    So you've choice.
    1. Accept it - and never ever mention histories again. Stop thinking about it too.
    2. End it now - before you just make her feel bad for having had a relationship... Which I must add helped her know how she really felt about you.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,241 ✭✭✭Sanjuro


    Jesus dude, if you're shocked by that, you'd drop dead from pure stupefication if I told you about my ex's past. I had a huge problem with the stuff she had done and it caused us a lot of problems. To the point where the relationship was going to fall apart. But I learned to get over it. I had to if I didn't want to lose her. And believe me, I am a better person for it. Even if we're not together any more (geography. But we're still close friends). And then another ex of mine had issues with the same girl. And I tried to help her get over it. But she couldn't. And it destroyed our relationship. Trust me dude, this is going to kill your relationship with the girl. We all have a past. But it's history and should remain there. To put it bluntly, get over it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Reality check here, your girlfriend is practically a nun by todays standards! Most girls her age you would be talking many mulitples of those figures easily. Her past is as tame as they come, and that is neither a good nor a bad thing - it's just how it is. Don't get hung up on stupid things, she kissed some stranger? So what? The majority of people wouldn't have a clue how many times they've done that, myself included. It's a non issue, don't let it eat you up!!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I should be 'sowing my wild oats'

    Being blind to such double standards is a sign of a person who hasn't grown up yet. Did you expect your girlfriend to live in a box like a doll until she met you? If you did, then you'd have a girlfirend who can't walk, or talk or interact on a social level with anybody. These are all life experiences that are necessary to help us grow. Meeting other men and shock horror kissing them are part and parcel of a woman's life experiences, and are necessary to help her grow

    Break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone who understands this basic concept.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭Handsome Bob


    Trust me when I say that your girlfriend has been normal in her behaviour in comparison to other people her age. I know it's tough because this is all new to you, but I think you need to realise how special your girlfriend is. It sounds as if she wasn't phased at all by your inexperience in comparison to herself and that is something to cherish and really respect. It's a sad fact that other women may not have given you the time or day (that would have their problem by the way, not yours), so really OP, realise what you've got here before you drive her away.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 189 ✭✭Canluum


    stranger she kissed on the flight (I just can't believe she'd do that)
    Being fun and spontaneous is a bad thing now? She was young and single, if she didn't do random things like I'd be more worried she was boring/abnormal!

    She's done nothing wrong and everything right. You have an immature attitude (I don't mean to offend you, just being blunt) stemming from archaic cultural views and (mostly) insecurity. You can help it. Think about how she was with them but now she has now chosen you. Think about how this relationship experience has made her a better, more well rounded girlfriend.

    I went out with a virgin for a while, I was her first etc. It was tough, unsatisfying, and full of heartbreak and neuroses (this last bit sounds a bit like you). I finished it eventually though I miss her dearly. Perhaps in a couple of years, when she's been with some more people and grown up, lost her inhibitions I could possibly see us giving it another go.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,031 ✭✭✭petethebrick


    OP- time to grow up! The majority of people have kissed tens if not hundreds of randomers in their formative years and you're judging your girlfriend because she had one snog on an airplane :confused:
    When I read the title of this post I thought it was going to be something along the lines of 'My girlfriend has slept with hundreds of blokes in the past including threeways etc etc'
    what **** are you talking about purity - the girlfriend you have described is about as 'pure' as you get this days I'm afraid to have to tell you.
    Sorry to be harsh, but you need to realise how silly you are being.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    It depends how you look at it.

    10 months, 8 months: Two respectible length relationships there and naturally there would be sex involved. Normal. Nothing slutty about that.

    2 months: Again, normal to have sex in this length of time. This could be one of those cases where she started going out with a guy, all was well for the first while and then he turned into a dickhead after they had sex and she ended it. This can happen to anyone.

    Kiss on a plane: Nothing at all. just a kiss.

    What i think the issue here is that you actually want to go and sleep with numerous different women. No harm with that. But you need to work out if it's something you really want to do and not because you feel you have to. And your girlfriend doesn't sound like a slut at all. she's actually got a past that is good news, as in she favours relationships rather than one night stands. That's rare man. Hell, I can trade you my girlfriend or some of my exs for your missus and that might put perspective in the situation.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,725 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Being blind to such double standards is a sign of a person who hasn't grown up yet. Did you expect your girlfriend to live in a box like a doll until she met you? If you did, then you'd have a girlfirend who can't walk, or talk or interact on a social level with anybody. These are all life experiences that are necessary to help us grow. Meeting other men and shock horror kissing them are part and parcel of a woman's life experiences, and are necessary to help her grow

    Break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone who understands this basic concept.

    +1

    I feel for that girlfriend. I hope her next boyfriend will be much more mature and less prejudiced than the one she has got at the moment.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 118 ✭✭muinteoir09


    As has been said, why are you so caught up about her having kissed other men? Most people on this earth have kissed (and usually had sex with) other people before they settle down.

    That's not to say that there is anything wrong with you (there isn't). But you need to realise that just because she is your first everything, you are not hers and it is wrong and childish to have issues with that.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    We have talked and want to spend our lives with each other, it's just and I know this will sound so lame but, am I missing out by staying with this girl, the first girl I have ever been with? On the one hand I feel like I should be 'sowing my wild oats' or whatever but on the other hand I just want her and no one else.

    Please, any advice is welcome. This girl means the world to me, and I never want to loose her, it's just her past drives me insane.

    So what exactly is the issue here? I'm not going to go into how immature and ridiculous your thinking is in relation to her past as it has been dealt with quite a bit already. You already know how childish and unreasonable you are being.

    It does sound to me like you are jealous though. And as Taltos said you have two options now. You either accept it and never speak of it again. Or you don't, break up with the girl and go and spread all the wild oats you want.

    People can commit and spend their whole lives with their first loves but not if they have a seed in their tooth about what went before.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    If you can't get over her past then she is not the one for you, you dont' love her enough for it not to matter and if those are the standards you want in a partner then keep looking.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,207 ✭✭✭hightower1


    krudler wrote: »
    she had slept with 100 men or something. Thats even below average peoples sexual experience at her age..


    Sleepin with 100 men at 23 is under average? Wha! Serious?
    If thats true I gotta say thats slutty and a half!

    Thats 8 years (given average age to loose virginity is 15) = 2920 days, divide by average men slept with (100) = 1 new sleeping partner every 29.2 days, 1 new partner for every single month for the last eight years?


    Are women really that... eh.....lucky? (being poilte)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    hightower1 wrote: »
    Sleepin with 100 men at 23 is under average? Wha! Serious?
    If thats true I gotta say thats slutty and a half!

    Thats 8 years (given average age to loose virginity is 15) = 2920 days, divide by average men slept with (100) = 1 new sleeping partner every 29.2 days, 1 new partner for every single month for the last eight years?


    Are women really that... eh.....lucky? (being poilte)

    You're taking that totally out of context. Krudler said that it's not like she had slept with 100 men. Full stop. Next sentence. And that this girl's sexual experience was less than most girls her age.....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,207 ✭✭✭hightower1


    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    You're taking that totally out of context. Krudler said that it's not like she had slept with 100 men. Full stop. Next sentence. And that this girl's sexual experience was less than most girls her age.....


    Oh right, my bad so.

    Out of curiosity what in your opinion would be average for a girl of 23?
    Maybe that info could give perspective to the OP?

    Not something I would have given much though myself personally but now Krudler brings it up I am intrigued.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    im a few years older than the girl and i have only slept with 3 people. Dont know how many people i have kissed. I only sleep with people I properly care about and love. Kissing isnt that serious to me, just a bit of fun

    But i do know a girl who found kissing very important and would only kiss people who she properly liked and wanted a relationship with. Everyone is different but i think the OP is being WAY too harsh on the gf


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭LighterGuy


    Op,
    I know what you are feeling. Its natural and you know what. I felt the same with my first girlfriend when I was 21. Hey not ashamed to admit it but my first proper gf was at 21 :P

    I too felt a little uneasy at her past. But thats because I had no past too really. Wasnt a virgin but I never had a relationship before.

    Its natural. But obsessing about it could lead to trouble. Not saying you are but it could eventually break the relationship.


    I say dont worry about it man. if shes telling the truth about her past she hasnt done much. so i wouldnt worry :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey all, OP here. I have read and re-read all your comments over the past few days since I posted this and I must thank you all. You have really put things into perspective with all your comments. I see now that I was being a real jerk, of course she is entitled to a past, as are we all, but the fact that I do not have one does not excuse these jealous feelings. In truth, I don't really want to be with lots of other girls, I'm not that kinda guy, I only want one girl, and I have her so I will do anything to keep her. One comment that really helped was this...
    Ask yourself right now - if you finished with this girl tomorrow, how sure would you feel you could get with another girl as nice as her.

    ...and it's true, I would never find someone even close to her. As for the harsh comments, while some of them were a bit blunt and did hit a nerve, they were just the slap in the face I needed.

    Um, ouch...
    seenitall wrote: »
    I feel for that girlfriend. I hope her next boyfriend will be much more mature and less prejudiced than the one she has got at the moment.

    I don't know why but these thoughts are only around when she is not, and as we only spend 1 day a week together it can be quite hard. I can't say that these thoughts and feelings I have will ever go away, but the fact is the feelings I have for her are a hell of a lot stronger. Also everyone has said that her past is hardly a past, especially given her age, this may sound childish but it has helped to hear that.

    You were also spot on with this one, that's how she said it happened...
    Wagon wrote: »
    2 months: Again, normal to have sex in this length of time. This could be one of those cases where she started going out with a guy, all was well for the first while and then he turned into a dickhead after they had sex and she ended it. This can happen to anyone.

    Anyway, it's time for me to grow up, cop on and realise what I have...I will try to put all this behind me, but even if I can't, I won't let it be a problem for us. She doesn't deserve that. I love her and the longer I am with her the easier it gets.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP, read the following http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=79618, at the moment I'm happily married + kids, and my problems with her past disappeared into obscurity.

    TP


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Howsit bro, yeah, if you don't mind me saying, your logic sort of defies logic.

    I sort of meant, "how CONFIDENT would you be in getting with another girl", not "do you think it's possible you could get with another girl as nice".
    You know what I mean?

    If your with this girl, and she's nice, then you can definitely get with other girls just as nice or more so.
    It's just a matter of trying and understanding really.
    Of course it's intimidating, especially when you have the security of a close girlfriend right now and it's hard to give that up, but that's life - put yourself out there.

    But from your comment it seems like your not CONFIDENT in yourself in this regard - which is understandable given your experience - but it defies logic to say that you couldn't - because you have already.
    You've got with this bird, if she thinks your nice enough to want to spend her life with you then you've obviously got something going for you, so other girls will think this also.
    What, do you think she just randomly went for you cause she felt sorry for you or something?
    Not wanting to sound like a "know-it-all", but I absolutely assure you, it is not in human nature to think like that - especially when it comes to relationships.

    It's not really a good base for a relationship if you want to stay with someone cause you don't think you could get with another person as nice - as oppose to being with them cause you want to be with them above anyone else.

    There are loads of lovely girls out there, the fact that you've even made this thread obviously indicates that you want to explore the field a little more - and rightly so.

    I think it would be a crazy situation to settle down with your first girlfriend - just my personal opinion - but them thoughts, you may be able to repress them, but they'll always be there.
    Your a young guy, believe in yourself and take a chance - if it don't work out then keep working at it and like everything, it will work out - and maybe you'll grow a little more and learn a little more about yourself on the way.

    Peace out bro.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jesus christ I was expecting her to have had threeways, orgies and partners well into the double figures. 3 partners and a random kiss?? I dont think you'll find much 'purer' than that!


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