Not more puns......

Kent Brockman

I went rowing for the 1st time recently and was a little nervous.
Another guy boarded in front of me (it was an 8 man scull), it was his 1st time too and he was also a bit nervous.........
Guess that put us in the same boat:pac::pac::pac:

do your worst, you know you want too

kjl

Kent Brockman wrote: »

I went rowing for the 1st time recently and was a little nervous.
Another guy boarded in front of me (it was an 8 man scull), it was his 1st time too and he was also a bit nervous.........
Guess that put us in the same boat:pac::pac::pac:

do your worst, you know you want too

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Daemos

Walking down the street today I ran into my old friend Robert, who asked me if he could borrow €1000. As I handed over the money I felt like I was being robbed.

mikom

Whats long, pink and has a helmet on the end.....

My dick. Sorry, were you expecting a pun ?

Karl Hungus

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

abouttobebanned

My two dogs went missing for 3 days. Went they came back I got them some micro-chips. They looked starving.

WindSock

Kent Brockman wrote: »

I went rowing for the 1st time recently and was a little nervous.
Another guy boarded in front of me (it was an 8 man scull), it was his 1st time too and he was also a bit nervous.........
Guess that put us in the same boat:pac::pac::pac:

do your worst, you know you want too

Were you punting down the Thames?

yoshytoshy

Sitting on the bus minding my own business ,when a blind lady who had been talking to a friend ,gets up and presses the bell.

As the bus stopped the woman getting off the bus yelled ,I'll see ye next week.

bonerm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sOynxd76eU

bluto63

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.

This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

take everything

Karl Hungus wrote: »

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Meta-puns FTW.

PK2008

Suggested to my mates to go for a few pints out in the Guinness Storehouse but it didnt happen...........


............I literally couldnt organise a piss up in a brewery

True story

stovelid

Anybody else suffering from pun performance anxiety?

gollem_1975

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=puns

Rhyme

stovelid wrote: »

Anybody else suffering from pun performance anxiety?

Well there is a lot of stiff competition.

Kent Brockman

Rhyme wrote: »

Well there is a lot of stiff competition.

There is Viagra for that sort of thing.
Accidently got some in my eye the other day. Did nothing for the performance but I certainly looked hard...

massdebater

One egg is un oeuf for any Frenchman...

massdebater

Seven days without a pun makes one weak...

massdebater

The optician fell into the lens-making machine and made a spectacle of himself

Killer Pigeon

These puns hurt my head.

massdebater

My friend got fired from the orange juice factory for a lack of concentration

Standard Toaster

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

:pac:

massdebater

Athiesm is a non-prophet organisation

massdebater

Poloice were called to a creche where a 3 year old was resisting a rest







ok il stop...

wonton

what d'ya call the money you spend on condoms??






............johny cash

bazmaiden

was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I
said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you
up, didn't I?'


Without geometry, life is pointless

I quit my job in the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

Im a paronoid schizophrenic, but you know what they say

Abrasax

A girl walked into a bar, spotted a waiter and asked him for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.

Kent Brockman

I bought a teddy for a tenner and called him Mohammed.
I then sold him for eleven quid.
Looks like i made a Profit..

Sykk

I wanted to open a bakery, but I couldn't raise the dough.

Twin-go

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

ejmaztec

Kent Brockman wrote: »

I went rowing for the 1st time recently and was a little nervous.
Another guy boarded in front of me (it was an 8 man scull), it was his 1st time too and he was also a bit nervous.........
Guess that put us in the same boat:pac::pac::pac:

do your worst, you know you want too

He was probably worried about the cox at the back.

Macsimus

The Black Adder classic:

Life without you is like a broken pencil..........................................pointless


Edit: also like the old:

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall.............................Dam

And the timeless Groucho Marx classic:

Women should be obscene and not heard

reallyrose

Any time we arrived home when I was a kid, my Dad would always say "recurrent dermatitis" Ar Ais Arís

This is actually true.

McGarnagle92

My grandad would always let us know that his soup is 'super' :rolleyes:

I also remember something about Darina Allen's husband Tim Allen getting himself into a bit of a 'stew' ..God.

foxyboxer

I invested all my money prudently.
But Bernard Madoff with all of it.

Fizman

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

Birneybau

Fizman wrote: »

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

"You sir, are worse than Hitler"

GavRedKing

One day while lost out in the ocean, I contacted the coastguard and tried to relay my position, they said i wasnt being pacific enough.

OldGoat

The Count and the Baron were fueding over an item of treasure. The Count had stolen it and hidden it somewhere in the castle. The Baron raised himself an army and after a long, ardous (and very tedious) campaigh he managed to capture the castle and the Count.
The Count was taken to the dungeons for interrigation. "Where is the treasure?", "I ain't telling". The Count steadfastly refused to give up any information. This fustrated the Baron no end. After hours and hours of threats the Count remained close-lipped. The Barons fustration grew untill he eventually picked up an axe and swung it towards the captive Count. The Count, seeing the madness in the Barons eye cried out in despiration "It's in the at...." but alas he was too late and he was decapated by the Barons axe.
And the moral is...
...
...
...
Never hatchet your Count before he chickens.

mathie

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as th ey moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

CorsetIsTight

After many years I am delighted that I have finally perfected my recipe for macaroni cheese.

My life is so much better now that I have my own personal cheese sauce.

xsiborg

just read the post about the guys playing poker there, and i was reminded of the time well, at least ten years ago now like myself and a couple of guys were playing 21 in the snug of our local bar. so the barman anyway had basically an arm that was permanently bent at the elbow, 90 degrees (he crashed his car while driving and getting a bj from his gf! :eek:), but he could still pull a good guiness!

so anyway we're playing cards and next thing the little snug door to the bar pops open, barman pops in his head, rests his arm on the counter, and goes:

"deal us in a hand lads!"...

we all looked at each other in the way that "first guy that laughs is an evil baxtard!"

take everything

Standard Toaster wrote: »

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

:pac:

Jesus man how are you holding up :pac:

take everything

mathie wrote: »

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as th ey moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

So contrived- i love it.

Isobar

Fizman wrote: »

Apologies but my example isn't a copy n paste from any pun site or the likes.

About 6-7 years back myself and a few mates were playing a game of poker before hitting town, and the TV was on in the background. One of the lads stepped out for a fag so the rest of us had a look to see what was on. It seemed to be some sort of WWII film, as the current scene was in Auschwitz or at least some form of concentration camp. All of a sudden a train appeared and was carrying more victims into the camp. At that point I decided to make the sound of a train but with a topical slur "Jeeeeeewwwwwww jeeeeeeeewwwww".

I hate it when people joke about WWII, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

starbelgrade

This thread stinks. One could say that it's pungent.

raah!

I know! How much more of this punishment must we endure?

IvySlayer

I have a controverisal one

Don't know if I should post it!

starbelgrade

IvySlayer wrote: »

I have a controverisal one

Don't know if I should post it!

Don't make me beg.

IvySlayer

starbelgrade wrote: »

Don't make me beg.

You know what pizza they ordered in the Twin Towers?....

2 large plains

K-9

IvySlayer wrote: »

You know what pizza they ordered in the Twin Towers?....

2 large plains

Awh, just awh.

You are just winging it now.