boyfriend always lying

LegacyUser

ive recently found out a lot of things my boyfriend has told me are untrue. when i tackle him on it he denys lying to the death eventually after days of me saying im leaving he will say either its a misunderstanding or he didnt mean to lie or he doesnt know why he lied. there are about two of these 'misunderstandings' a week. most of the stuff really doesnt matter (i think) and some strikes me as being suspicious but he isnt willing to discuss it. will just say he wasnt lying and then either its just a misunderstanding and refuse to speak about it (i dont want to spend all my time with you arguing etc) or will break down crying that he doesnt know why hes lied.

examples of this are me asking him how was your day, his reply fine all day in the office never got a min to leave, turned out he had travelled for over an hour each way to meet a female friend alone for lunch. after i found out he claimed theres nothing between them but if its the case why would he lie? when i said to him i knew he had been out of office he kept saying he hadnt until i said i was done, then he said he went back through his diary and 'realised' he had met this girl for lunch. he had also been to the dentist which he didn't mention either!!!

there are a lot of other things but i really don't know where to go on this, another thing is he joined facebook and didn't add me. i saw his page and that he was friends with this girl, he said she added him but it turned out he looked for her. meeting someone for lunch or adding them on facebook isn't a big deal but the lying about it is so bizarre and makes me very concerned. any thoughts?

LegacyUser

Does he lie about everything or only about this girl ?
Do you think he has a problem with compulsive lying or you suspect him of having an affair ?

Beruthiel

thoughts? wrote: »

examples of this are me asking him how was your day, his reply fine all day in the office never got a min to leave, turned out he had travelled for over an hour each way to meet a female friend alone for lunch.

During a normal working day he takes at least 3 hours out to go have lunch with a woman and not only did it not come up in conversation that he was going to meet her, but when you asked, he lied about ever going.
Honey, he is sooooo up to no good.

Cheap Thrills!

SO up to no good.

When people lie there is always a reason behind it.

Get rid of him.

The Recliner

I have the worlds worst short term memory

And have on occasions forgotten to tell my GF something that I probably should have

But travelling an hour each way to meet someone for lunch, a girl in particular is not something that will just slip your mind when asked how your day was, it is omitted from the conversation for a reason and is a lie by ommission

Also setting yourself up on Facebook and not inviting your girlfriend is another worrying thing, surely you would be the first person he would add whatever about someone else adding him

This all doesn't sound good to be honest, he is being a bit too secretive

LegacyUser

Hi There

I would agree totally with the other posters, I am recently finished with my finacee after going out with him for 7yrs, looking back now I didn't trust him from the start but always thought he would change when he promised he wouldn't lie, and when he did lie and I confronted him about it and asked him why he lied all I would get in reply would be "I don't know" seriosuly OP you need to get out of the relationship now as it sounds like he is a compulsive liar and doesn't know how to tell the truth!! Trust me I learned the hard way by giving numerous chances and believe me after a while everytime he lies a bit of love dies until you are left with nothing but anger and resentment, you deserve to be in a happy trusting relationship and not one where you are constantly doubting whether your OH is telling the truth or not......

Best of Luck

LegacyUser

SameSituation wrote: »

Hi There

I would agree totally with the other posters, I am recently finished with my finacee after going out with him for 7yrs, looking back now I didn't trust him from the start but always thought he would change when he promised he wouldn't lie, and when he did lie and I confronted him about it and asked him why he lied all I would get in reply would be "I don't know" seriosuly OP you need to get out of the relationship now as it sounds like he is a compulsive liar and doesn't know how to tell the truth!! Trust me I learned the hard way by giving numerous chances and believe me after a while everytime he lies a bit of love dies until you are left with nothing but anger and resentment, you deserve to be in a happy trusting relationship and not one where you are constantly doubting whether your OH is telling the truth or not......

Best of Luck

i guess this sums up pretty accurately how i feel. i don't understand why someone would not know why they lie, its making no sense whatsoever. the above lies are just the icing. theres tons more, like i would ask if he got the paper and he would say no sure i'm way too busy so i'd get the paper but he'd already have it, i'd ask why he lied and he would just shrug and say i dunno. and that would be the end of it, if i pushed it he would start crying with the 'frustration' of not knowing why he's lying.

another thing thats really worrying me at the min is he has quite the flair for dramatics. last night we had a fight and he kept coming at me to grab me to keep me in the room when i was trying to go into another room, i kept pushing his hands away asking him (shouting) not to touch me but he kept trying. then one time he 'fell' about ten feet across the room hit his back on the door handle and spent the next two hours on the floor crying. now i felt a bit bad but this sort of thing has happened before. i feel he was trying to push me into smacking him or something and when it didn't happen he fell into the door on purpose. he did the same thing recently when we were having a fight he acidenatlly pushed me (to stop me passing him) and i lost footing and fell down about three stairs. i landed on a hockey stick and my ankle was a bit sore. while i was asking him to leave me alone he 'fell' the entire flight of stairs from standing on the landing and again stayed on the floor crying for about an hour.

i know i sound unsympathetic but he's really really dramatic and you don't fly across a room 10 feet by someone pushing your hands away. i've asked him why he does this, is it attention or to stop me walking away or what and he says its not him but i'm beating him up and he's the victim. i'm really quite worried about his mental state with this but with the lying i'm not sure i want to stick around. the other day he stubbed his toe on the stairs and spent about a half hour crying and groaning and the pained expressions went on. he would never get hurt or have a little accident and just get on with it, he might say i'm fine but its hours of groaning and poor me and i really hurt myself there, example of catching his thumb in the cutlery drawer, it could be broken and three hours of moaning (it wasn't even bruised).

i know the response is going to be walk away but i'm finding this all very difficult to understand any help?

Taltos

OP - this is all about control.

Simple as.
He tries to push you into hitting him - control.
He throws himself down a flight of stairs - control

Now - it might be with a fair share of childish understanding - come on - this is how a 6 yr old acts.

My advice is dump him.
Just don't do it alone - make sure you have someone with you - as I am afraid he would escalate. Next time he falls down crying - well make it the last time - just walk away.

Sounds more like he wants a mummy than a girlfriend.

MissHoneyBun

Taltos wrote: »

OP - this is all about control.

Simple as.
He tries to push you into hitting him - control.
He throws himself down a flight of stairs - control

Now - it might be with a fair share of childish understanding - come on - this is how a 6 yr old acts.

My advice is dump him.
Just don't do it alone - make sure you have someone with you - as I am afraid he would escalate. Next time he falls down crying - well make it the last time - just walk away.

Sounds more like he wants a mummy than a girlfriend.

All very true and incredibly sad Taltos. I know it hurts OP but there comes a time when there's only so much a girl can take...

trio

Sounds more like he wants a mummy than a girlfriend.

Agree. Not being flippant, but it's apparent that he wants a certain reaction - to be cosseted. And it's what kids do too - when Mammy is mad with them what do they do? They start bawling, hoping that Mammy's anger will defuse and she'll start going "Poor baby" and the bad stuff is all forgotten about.

He lies because that's what you do with your Mammy. You lie and pretend you haven't been up to any mischief.

And then you get into the habit of lying, or you can't differentiate what's "mischief" and what's not - so you err on the side of caution and lie anyway.

I doubt you've caught him out in every lie. I'd say he's gotten away with it enough times to make it still worthwhile to try.

You don't sound like a good match. You want a man - you've gotten a boy.

I think it's time to think about moving on.

LegacyUser

OP - run a mile!
I can't believe that a grown man would pull such an immature and manipulative stunt as to cry for hours about some little injury. I would be embarrassed for him and of him if he was my OH - he's trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty for nothing and you need to RUN a mile, at speed, away from this person. Imagine if you were more dependent on him e.g. financially or had children, and he started to pull more of this crap and you *couldn't* get away?! THen add in the suspicious meetings with another woman, while trying to pull the wool over your eyes...
Go now while you can!

Wagon

The breaking down and crying, i think he knows exactly what he's doing. Sounds like a pain in the hole. I agree with everyone else, he's cheating on you and he's trying to keep you as well.

LegacyUser

As another poster said it is all manipulation because he knows you will feel sorry for him in the end, my fella used to turn on the waterworks when I confronted him about lying and questioned his reasons for it, he also used to flip it back on me as if it was somehow my fault that he lied, I used to get sucked in by his manipulation and end up feeling sorry for him and say "Ah its ok just forget about it but don't lie to me etc etc" he'd promise to tell the truth in future but sure you'd ask him what colour socks he was wearing and he'd lie about it,like your fella they lie about totally irrelevant stuff which is just totally weird and I just could not comprehend it!! My partner was also very childlike in the sense that he wanted me to look after all the bills and money matters because he was "crap" with money which I done for a while until I thought to myself, is this what I want from a relationship? Having to look after somebody like they are a child!!! Personally I feel your partner should be your equal not somebody looking for a maternal figure in their life so while I had no ties (i.e. marriage or kids) I decided to get out while I still could and while it still hurt like hell I know it was the right decision as I could never fully believe what he was telling me and I couldn't handle his child like ways........I would strongly advise you to get out of the realationship as he is mentally screwing with your head and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave you deserve alot more than what he is giving you and you desrve to be with somebody who respects you enough no to constantly lie to you!!

LegacyUser

thanks so much for the replies!!!

I was worried you'd all reply and be like but you are beating him up! i've been afraid to tell anybody about all this and i'm kind of freaked out by him blaming me on him getting injured. When i fell the few steps and said to him i'm not mad i know it was an accident but if i want to go you have to let me go, he replied i didn't touch you, you tried to do some mad pirouette dance move on the top of the stairs and fell yourself. Even though i was nowhere near him he blamed me for his falling? He seems perfectly normal and in general is such a nice guy. But this is all so crazy. If he was able to admit what he's doing, that he lies and tries to push me into hurting him and was going to sort himself out i think i would try stick it out but this is all so psychotic and i feel trapped in a corner. Well i guess its obvious its break up attempt time. I think i will try meet him at a cafe later so he can't pull any of the she pushed me down the stairs stuff

Elle Collins

thoughts? wrote: »

then one time he 'fell' about ten feet across the room hit his back on the door handle and spent the next two hours on the floor crying.

Mother of Christ. Get rid of this nutter/toddler/eejit.

ManOfMystery

Move on OP. There's thousands of guys out there more mature than this fool and who will treat you right, time to give one of them a chance!

Neyite

god what a nutter. RUN! when you break up with him, be prepared. as in:

he will probably threaten to harm himself 'cant live without you' and all that crap. remember he is responsible for himself, any attempt is his own doing and nothing to do with you as hard as it may seem so:

plan in advance : round up friends to move your stuff out while he is at work, have the place cleared.

text him to meet you in a public place to break up in person. have friends at a table nearby and leave with them when you are done.

hand your phone to a friend to answer for the week or so. they can direct calls you want to an alternative sim number, but more importantly, answer his to tell him where to go, but do not speak to him further. you could be accused of all sorts of assault / attack /threats to his safety unless you have someone who saw you with him the last time.
better yet change your number entirely, and block him from facebook etc.

it is harsh, but you need to look after you. i know someone who had someone like this and couldnt get rid of them for the next 7 years out of their life - it was all manipulation and threats and trying to turn my friend into the violent one.

i would recommend getting in touch with a local womens refuge for a chat - domestic abusers are masters of psycological manipulation and these counsellors will give you loads of helpful tips on how to make your next move. he may not wallop you, but he is manipulative and you would gain some valuable insight from them.

good luck!

Taltos

If you need anymore proof that this guy is bad news - look at your last reply...

You were convinced we would all accuse you of battering him...
Now that is distorted.

As the above poster said - be prepared for all types of hysteronics or worse. Definitely cafe or something - but much better to have a support person or wing-man close by to swoop in when/if needed.