Need to get it off my chest!

LegacyUser

I've been with my bf 5 years and in that time we've had ups and downs. Here's the thing - i don't want to be with him anymore and I can't afford to not be.

Long story but basically over the time we've been together I've caught him trying to cheat on me on a couple of occassions. I know I'm a bigger fool because I forgave him each time and tried to work things out with him. I really really loved him and was niave enough to think things would be ok. Again bigger fool me!
Anyway with things going well we bought a house over 2 years ago and about 4 months after we moved into the house i caught him again. We talked things out...and stayed together.
On top of this, we don't have any kind of intimate relationship anymore. At best its once every 6-8 weeks and I feel like its a case of throwing the dog a bone! I have tried everything I can - weekends away, lingerie, talking about it......nothing has changed and I know its because he has no interest in me. He's always going to be looking for something better and its never going to be me no matter what I do. I know he spends his alone time online looking at p0rn and it just rips me in two thinking if only I could be what he wants - i know I never will be. If I confront him about it, we get into a huge argument and it just makes life miserable so I've gotten to the point where I pretend I don't know.
Over the last 2 years I've had suspicions but the thing is - the whole situation is making me suspicious of everything. I'm always on edge wondering what he's up to. That is just no way to live - for either of us. He insists he has never cheated on me, but was always in it for the chase. I just don't believe him - I dont think I ever did believe him but I just tried to get on with it. I don't trust him at all.

Here is the dilemma - I want to leave him. I've tried to leave him. I can't afford to. I can't afford to take on the mortgage alone along with the general cost of living. I can't afford to pay rent etc and pay my half of the mortgage. I've considered selling the house but its worth about 50k less than what we paid for it and with the market the way it is, it could be 12 mths before we sell and we may have to just knock the price way down. I also can't afford to have that kind of debt.

I'm dealing with the situation but there isn't anyone I can really confide in or talk to. I just really needed to get it all out in the open to easy my mind. I've started looking for other work so I can try make more money to be able to take on the mortgage etc. I know its going to have to happen eventually and the whole situation has be devestated. I just needed to unbottle it all.

Thanks for helping me get it out!

LegacyUser

could you take on the mortgage yourself, and rent out one of your rooms?

sbsquarepants

You sound fairly miserable op! You say you can't afford to leave but if you're only dropping 50 grand, then your share is 25. Small price to pay for happiness and sanity don't you think? It's unfortunate but, if that's the price you have to pay, then that's the price.
It's a lot easier said than done, i know, but it sounds to me like money well spent in the end!

LegacyUser

Hi - OP here and thanks!

The house is in a very rural area and honestly I really don't want to rent out a room. I don't want to live with anyone and where it is located, I can't imagine anyone wanting to rent out that far.

When it comes to selling - there are pro's and con's. On one hand, I have a get out of jail card and yes I could probably move on but I'm 30 now, I don't want to be paying off that house until I'm in my 40's.
On the other hand, i love my house and where I live - what I really really want in my ideal world is to be able to afford to manage it myself. And I know I'm still in a fairytale where I think maybe something can be sorted out and I also know I'm prolonging the inevitable. I have worked really hard for everything I have and I'm angry that I could lose it all and have to start again from scratch with a pile of debt because of this.

I'm just miserable about the whole thing and its making me sick but I'm just not ready yet to walk away from it all. I know there must be a breaking point, i've just not hit it yet. I'm half hoping I never do and that that we start pulling out of recession and my employment situation will improve and I'll be in a position to just take it on myself.............pipe dream but I'm trying!

ash23

somethingtotalkabout wrote: »

Hi - OP here and thanks!

The house is in a very rural area and honestly I really don't want to rent out a room. I don't want to live with anyone and where it is located, I can't imagine anyone wanting to rent out that far.

When it comes to selling - there are pro's and con's. On one hand, I have a get out of jail card and yes I could probably move on but I'm 30 now, I don't want to be paying off that house until I'm in my 40's.
On the other hand, i love my house and where I live - what I really really want in my ideal world is to be able to afford to manage it myself. And I know I'm still in a fairytale where I think maybe something can be sorted out and I also know I'm prolonging the inevitable. I have worked really hard for everything I have and I'm angry that I could lose it all and have to start again from scratch with a pile of debt because of this.

I'm just miserable about the whole thing and its making me sick but I'm just not ready yet to walk away from it all. I know there must be a breaking point, i've just not hit it yet. I'm half hoping I never do and that that we start pulling out of recession and my employment situation will improve and I'll be in a position to just take it on myself.............pipe dream but I'm trying!

OP there is nothing stopping you from ending the romatic side of your relationship and staying on in the house in a "business" like capacity. If you are so adamant that the financial loss is too great, then thats fair enough but it doesn't mean you are tied into a relationship as well as a mortgage.

End the relationship and carry on as flatmates.
Many people have to do it. It can't be much worse than what you are putting up with now.