Breaking up with someone you love

grizzinfarl

Hi all, I have a bit of a strange problem, I am in a relationship with a girl who I completely adore, she's smart, funny, attractive, sexy, everything I want out of partner except for one small problem, I need to break up with her.

At first, it was all sweetness and light, to this day the thoughts of her still give me a lump in my throat and a fluttering in my chest, everytime I look at her, I feel like melting. To say I am smitten is an understatement, I genuinely dont think I ever loved anyone before I met her, everyone else was affection, strong friendship and sexual attraction, but this is love. I think.

The problem is that I want to break up with her. The last year and a bit she has changed, she has become very argumentative, aggressive (not to the point of violence, just very, very angry at me for the simplest of things) and has started to contradict the slightest thing I say to the point where I just stay quiet a lot now. Of course, she has starting asking me why I am so quiet, I tried to explain to her and she said I was over sensitive.

I tried last week to tell her that I was unable to continue like this, for all I love her so much, she obviously isnt happy and I obviously was unable to make her happy. She was in tears to the point that I apologised and said I was having a bad week, blah, blah etc., I am not sure if she bought it, she's no fool, but things have reverted back to precisely where things stood. I cant accept this anymore. To do so would mean I am just surrendering. I have tried to get her to talk, I have to talk to her mother about it, but no one seems to see a problem with her, because she only acts like this when we are alone.

She will not face the fact that her behaviour hurts me greatly and if she thinks so little of me, then I see no reason to stay with her, except for one good reason - I love her so much. The very thought of being without her makes me feel phsyically ill and I go into a kind of shock if I dwell on it too long. There is a gap of eleven years between us, I am 35 and she is 24. I always thought when I met her first, 4 years ago, that it was a fling, she was far too young for me and it would soon burn out.

It didnt and for almost three years, it was heaven. Something changed, I didnt notice it at first, but slowly, she began to become more and more argumentative. I am at a complete loss as the reason, she used to be very open with me and we spend more time together than apart, but now she has been spending more time reading alone and stuff. Dont get me wrong though, she isnt always snippy and so, a lot of the time she is very loving, grabbing me and kissing me out of the blue, hugging me, telling me she adores me and so on, but half hour later she is really p****d at me for no obvious reason. I would like to think I am a 'people' person, I'm a salesman and damn good at it, I can read peoples reaction, facial expression, body language quite well and it has served me well over the years, in work and in my personal life and I dont think I abuse it (well, except in work but thats OK as far as I am concerned).

Funnily enough, sex hasnt changed, its still as good as ever and I know for a fact that every relationship goes into a sexual slowdown gradually once the initial 'tear off the clothes' period starts to wane, but besides a slight drop off in frequency, its as good as ever. I have talked to people, I have even went to see a councillor and whilst she was a comfort, she was up front and honest from the start about what she could and could not do for me and especially what she definitely could not do for my GF. Ultimately, her advice was that if this relationship was hurting me and damaging me, like a gangrenous limb, perhaps it might be for the best to end it.

So here I am now, asking complete strangers what to do, because at this stage, I am complete lost, feel very alone and my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Part of me says to hang in there, the other, pragmatic part that always viewed the relationship as being flawed due to the age difference, says 'get out now'.

I cant think clearly on this issue, my mind fogs up and I have begun crying when alone lately, quite a lot. Up until this, I only ever cried at the death of someone I loved, not because I am embarrassed to cry, just that I think I have a good grip of my emotions, most of the time. Now, I am being reduced to a blubbering wreck. I want children and whilst we have discussed it, it something she sees as being in the future, always a few years from now and thats fine with me, she has her career and its only starting, so she wants to get established first. I get on brilliantly with her family (her father is dead about ten years so I never met him), her mother is the nicest person you could meet, as are her brother and sister and her niece stays with us from time to time and I have a great relationship with her as well, bringing her out with us on sundays with the dogs, to the zoo and stuff and I love doing it. I am not so blind to think I have no flaws, but I still think she is being very unfair.

So, a simple question - should I end this before I start to develop some sort of lasting damage? I knows it selfish, but my father, who is very wise always said that there was nothing wrong with being selfish, so long as you are not denying others their due, its being self centred that creates the biggest problems. Well, I am not self centred and I dont think I am selfish, but I want her to be happy and I want me to be happy, but I dont think I can do this anymore and its killing me.

PK2008

Yeh, give her the bullet I reckon

If shes not willing to tell you what her problem is and/or deal with it and keeps taking it out on you then you've no other option really.

A break might give her the reality check she needs to sort herself out.

Beruthiel

grizzinfarl wrote: »

The last year and a bit she has changed, she has become very argumentative, aggressive (not to the point of violence, just very, very angry at me for the simplest of things) and has started to contradict the slightest thing I say to the point where I just stay quiet a lot now. Of course, she has starting asking me why I am so quiet, I tried to explain to her and she said I was over sensitive.

You need to sit her down and explain exactly how you are feeling.
You need to ask her why she is so agressive.
You need to tell her that she will either address this or you are gone.
Be firm and calm.
The ball is in her court.

grizzinfarl

PK2008 wrote: »

Yeh, give her the bullet I reckon

If shes not willing to tell you what her problem is and/or deal with it and keeps taking it out on you then you've no other option really.

A break might give her the reality check she needs to sort herself out.

Its funny, but the above is probably what I should do, but I am not someone who scares easily, I'm not some fearless, hero, but I dont usually worry about things too much and have a pretty positive outlook on life. This, however, scares the absolute crap out of me. What if I am making a mistake, what if she is on the verge of telling me something really serious that will make it all make sense? I wonder if something happened to her that she cant talk about yet, but I cant point to anything other than the anger and the agression - I sometimes think she hates me the way she acts.

Sometimes I will do something silly like give the remote control while she is reading and she flips to the point that she will get up storm out of the room with an 'eff off' and slam the door, leaving me sitting there bewildered? Sometimes we take the dogs out for a run and throw tennis balls for them and she will be taking the ball out of their mouth, all covered in their spit and slime and thats fine, but if I was to hand her a ball to throw that was in the same condition, she will look at me like I am handing her a scorpion and tell me to cop on!

I keep thinking that I will never find someone I love like her and I am abandoning her by breaking up. I dont think I have ever been in such a difficult situation, my father is an alcoholic, he went through AA and out the other side and has come through as a better, stronger person. I sometimes ask my mother how she managed and she simply says 'because I love him'. To hear that makes me feel so guilty, its like she has a substance abuse problem, without the substances.

I genuinely fear she may have mental problems, but there is no way I can get her to open up. I am on a half day from work and as I sit here typing, I am torn between my desire to see her and kiss her and a fear of her humour;will she be angry or happy? I feel like I am going insane.

grizzinfarl

Beruthiel wrote: »

You need to sit her down and explain exactly how you are feeling.
You need to ask her why she is so agressive.
You need to tell her that she will either address this or you are gone.
Be firm and calm.
The ball is in her court.

I have tried - I dont think I can be firm and calm anymore, as I said above, I think I am losing my mind now. I was, not too long ago, a pretty outgoing, chatty person, now I am starting to be guarded in what I say, have started to study her every reaction to see if there is a pattern to her anger and for all I like to think of myself as being a good judge, I can see no pattern. Only a terrible anger and even a hatred. I asked her did she want to leave and she cried and clung to me saying she never wanted to be apart from me - can you see why I am so confused?

LegacyUser

i think (maybe?!) when she was 20, she knew less, you knew a lot.

now she is 24, reading, have more life experience, her intellect has expanded, she argues with you because she has more of her own opinions... she becomes argumentative because she has her own thoughts over things, which might different from yours and that she wants you to know another way of thoughts.

she is a different woman from some aspect, do you still love the new her?

people change over time.

but if she is really aggressive, verbally abusing you, hurting you, better leave.

dotsflan

She sounds exactly like an ex of mine! It was all perfect at the start but then she would fight or turn on me for give my point of view. I loved her too but had to break up with her because i realised i was walking on eggshells around her. I was watching every word i said just to make sure i wouldnt make her angry. When i did break up with her it hurt but i soon realised that we werent right for each other and I reckon she too could have had a mental disorder of some sort!! Be warned it will probably be an ugly break up but its for the best in the long run, you'll never be truly happy with her. Hope this helps:)

PK2008

She sounds nutty as a fruit cake to me mate. Im sure in time, you could get over her.

grizzinfarl

dotsflan wrote: »

She sounds exactly like an ex of mine! It was all perfect at the start but then she would fight or turn on me for give my point of view. I loved her too but had to break up with her because i realised i was walking on eggshells around her. I was watching every word i said just to make sure i wouldnt make her angry. When i did break up with her it hurt but i soon realised that we werent right for each other and I reckon she too could have had a mental disorder of some sort!! Be warned it will probably be an ugly break up but its for the best in the long run, you'll never be truly happy with her. Hope this helps:)

It helps because you obviously didnt break and put that smiley on the end. I know it will be painful, I imagine it will be the worst pain I have ever had (and I once broke my ribs in a car crash and the physical pain remind me of that!) Every breathe is painful, I know I sound like I am being overly dramatic, but its gotten that bad, I can barely sleep anymore for any length of time, I keep waking up at like 2 and 3 in the morning, wide awake and taking ages to go back to sleep - she never seems to wake and sometimes she will snuggle in her sleep into me while I am awake, it hurts most then.

But, as I said, you obviously didnt break and I hope I dont. But I think I might.

Faith

Can you yourself see anything that changed around the time she did? Did she change or start hormonal contraception? Did she change jobs, finish college, anything? It seems to strange that she would change that far into a relationship. It sounds to me like something triggered the change, rather than that being her true personality all along. Is she aware of this behaviour? Has she acknowledged it?

grizzinfarl

whelping the wrote: »

i think (maybe?!) when she was 20, she knew less, you knew a lot.

now she is 24, reading, have more life experience, her intellect has expanded, she argues with you because she has more of her own opinions... she becomes argumentative because she has her own thoughts over things, which might different from yours and that she wants you to know another way of thoughts.

she is a different woman from some aspect, do you still love the new her?

people change over time.

but if she is really aggressive, verbally abusing you, hurting you, better leave.

That makes sense, she used to ask me about things all the time, I'm fairly well travelled, educated and well read so I know a little about a lot of things.

She doesn't ask me any more though, its an interesting point to take on and something that no one else has suggested. I think you may be onto something here - thank you.

grizzinfarl

Faith wrote: »

Can you yourself see anything that changed around the time she did? Did she change or start hormonal contraception? Did she change jobs, finish college, anything? It seems to strange that she would change that far into a relationship. It sounds to me like something triggered the change, rather than that being her true personality all along. Is she aware of this behaviour? Has she acknowledged it?

Nothing I can think of and I have had several sessions with a councillor, many hours of discussion with friends and family and nothing obvious comes to mind? She was always on the pill, she hasnt been ill, she finished college two years ago and she loves her job, she will tell me about her day in detail when we eat and thats good - if I go to tell her about mine, she will interrupt with something from hers and I usually just trail off. I had given up trying to argue over this, no matter what happens, its always, always my fault.

I think the above post from whelping might be something to consider, its not something anyone else has mentioned before and its a good point to consider? Perhaps she has changed but doesn't know how to express it, perhaps my advice has become condescension in her eyes, I just don't know - I try to be self critical, but I have yet to meet someone who could point out their own flaws that easy?

SarahSassy

Maybe she is just showing her true colours now that the honeymoon is over. No one should put up with this kind of abuse and she is abusing you...

barbiegirl

Sometimes it's not enough to be in love with someone, you also need to both be happy. I've been where you are and eventually I just had to call a day, though he wasn't arguementative, just totally uncommittal, I always felt he was waiting for something better. He always swore he wasn't but either way he couldn't show it.
Anyway the break up nearly killed me, it was physically and mentally painful, BUT it was now looking back definitely for the best. We are both, eight years later, happy, married, I am absurdly happy with my hubbie and I assume he with his wife :-) Life brings up and downs and very hard decisions, and when it comes to peresonnal happiness sometimes being selfish is actually doing the right thing.

shellyboo

I don't mean this in a critical way, OP, but a 20-year old is still not grown up by any stretch of the imagination. Someone who's still in college is in a different world, different mindset altogether than a fully functioning independent adult. It could be that she's simply grown up, and the person she IS is no longer the person you want to be with.

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote: »

Maybe she is just showing her true colours now that the honeymoon is over.

This would be my suspicion too TBH. Its not just the sex thing in the honeymoon period. Often its the personality comes out and though there may be love there, the compatibility isnt.

At this transition between the honeymoon time and actual long term future, thoughts of that future jump in. If compatibility is an issue this is also a reason for it come out. Another thing I've noted before, most often with women is the "I wonder where this is going" vibe. Many men are just as happy to stay in the relationship status quo. Have you mentioned the future? Any concrete plans? This may be why she's going off half cocked?

That all said, she shouldnt be acting like a spoiled child. Not a good sign for the future. I had a friend who ended up with someone like this and their life is pretty much hellish. 10 years on the love is long gone and all that's left is the nagging, door slamming and childish tantrums or worse all picture no sound silence.

Denimgirl

grizzinfarl wrote: »

Its funny, but the above is probably what I should do, but I am not someone who scares easily, I'm not some fearless, hero, but I dont usually worry about things too much and have a pretty positive outlook on life. This, however, scares the absolute crap out of me. What if I am making a mistake, what if she is on the verge of telling me something really serious that will make it all make sense? I wonder if something happened to her that she cant talk about yet, but I cant point to anything other than the anger and the agression - I sometimes think she hates me the way she acts.

Sometimes I will do something silly like give the remote control while she is reading and she flips to the point that she will get up storm out of the room with an 'eff off' and slam the door, leaving me sitting there bewildered? Sometimes we take the dogs out for a run and throw tennis balls for them and she will be taking the ball out of their mouth, all covered in their spit and slime and thats fine, but if I was to hand her a ball to throw that was in the same condition, she will look at me like I am handing her a scorpion and tell me to cop on!

I keep thinking that I will never find someone I love like her and I am abandoning her by breaking up. I dont think I have ever been in such a difficult situation, my father is an alcoholic, he went through AA and out the other side and has come through as a better, stronger person. I sometimes ask my mother how she managed and she simply says 'because I love him'. To hear that makes me feel so guilty, its like she has a substance abuse problem, without the substances.

I genuinely fear she may have mental problems, but there is no way I can get her to open up. I am on a half day from work and as I sit here typing, I am torn between my desire to see her and kiss her and a fear of her humour;will she be angry or happy? I feel like I am going insane.

Maybe she has bad PMS or as the other poster says she changed her pill, girls moods can be very erratic with the pill (speaking from experience here)she's 24 she does'nt want to have kids yet, most woman now that want a career wait til late 20's to 30's to have a kids would you mind waiting?also from the way you say love her she may play on that and thinks she can get away with her little hissy fits coz she knows how much you adore her.these are all things to consider next time she has hissy fit at you ask her why is she behaving like this?and ask her do you make her happy as her behaviour is'nt giving you this impression.

Butterfly89

I agree with what the majority of previous posters have said, you have to let her go. I loved my ex to absolute bits and couldn't imagine being without him but I knew I had to break up with him as I could never be fully happy with him. The break up was absolutely horrific as we both still loved each other but I got over it and now I'm in an even better relationship .

Since you've already sat her down and tried to explain all this to her, there's nothing else you really can do, you'll get over this op;)

Darlughda

Unfortunately, these are the hazards of getting involved with someone so much younger.

I'm not judging you for that, however, early twenties is the time a lot of women and men act out and make mistakes, thereby learning the hard way that this is just not the way to behave in relationships.

Which means that if you stay with her, the verbal abuse and aggression will accelerate, but if you break up with her, she may learn her lesson, deal with her behaviour and embark on a relationship that does not entail that bs in a few years time.

That really sucks for you OP, but it sounds like there is no way in hell she is going to cop on and treat you with respect and mutual mature love in this relationship. It might be a horrible thing to face, but by persisting with the relationship you could be enabling the worst aspects of her to come out and dominate, whereas, if you do the selfless thing, and let her go, she may have the chance to learn from her mistakes, and become a better person in the future.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, this is an awful situation for you. My best guess at what is going on here is SHE is all conflicted, but she doesn't know it even herself. Not on a conscious level.

You say her Father died. So she had no man to kick against as a teenager. She met you. You are older. She felt secure. Love blossomed. All was well.

However in an age gap relationship, the age thing is always there. My best guess at what is going on with her is this. Her behaviour is that of a teenager to a parent. Vile, random outbursts of rage. Yet denial and lack of awareness or insight into this.

You say she is fine with everyone else and that this behaviour only happens with you two on a one to one. I think now that the Honeymoon part is over and its moving into the tricky 3-4 year stage, she has unconsciously begun to take you for granted. But she is also dependant on you and loves you, in her way.

This conflict in her mind leaking out into her actions. She is raging against you because part of her resents you for being the together adult/parent but on the other hand she is frightened at the thoughts of going it alone...

I don't know if it makes any sense but as I said, its just a guess and my impression.

I don't think the girl "knows herself" I don't think the opposing ideas of love/dependancy and rage/resentment are sitting together well in her mind at all.
She is unable to maintain her emotional equalibrium and is rebelling against you, the innocent party.

She is very much in denial as you said. Unfortunately the practical result of that is she is forcing you to make the decision because she can't/won't take responsibility for it.

It's passive agressive. Half of her is at war with the other half.

Greyfox

You have to have a long talk and as has been said you need to be calm and VERY firm. You need to explain EXACTLY how her behaviour is effecting your relationship and tell her that if it continues you will break up with her.

From this moment EVERY time she does something to annoy you you need to walk away from her and ignor her until she apoligises, then talk to her, making sure she knows exactly what it was that annoyed you. I know this may mean silences and probably not having sex that night but it may end up been a small price to pay for getting your old girlfriend back

She will either be willing to do what it takes to work through her behaviour and get things back to the way they were or she will eventually decide that it's not worth the effort, the ball is in her court

katie99

Question? Why do you want to discuss your relationship with her mother?
It is between you and her, not her mother. So, I wouldn't go there.
I would break up with her and tell her why.
End of.

AARRRGH

This is very interesting as I have some experience of it myself!

I don't really think there is one answer, but it could be some of the following:

- She grew up in a slightly abusive home and thinks this is how you treat the person you love
- This is the real her - the previous girl could have been an act. (In my experience you see the real person after about 3 years).
- She is a controlling person and is trying to control you
- She is unhappy (not necessarily with you) and is taking it out on you
- You're the one who has changed; you are doing things which annoy her.

Regardless, you have to ask yourself is your partner making your life better or worse. I understand there will be some things which you think are better (e.g. maybe she forces you to think about things a bit more, or makes you be a bit more sensitive to people's feelings) but overall do you think you would be happier if you were single? If the answer is "yes", and considering we only have one short life, I think you know what to do...

But I understand your dilemma, because overall I'm sure she's a great person.

Moomoo1

sounds like you have an immense communication problem...

when she gets angry at you, how do you react? How do you respond to it? And what happens after you respond? Have you ever had a go back at her?

also, how do you react to abuse within your mind? Are you hurt by it, or do you just say 'well, screw you' and let everything she says bounce off you?

Eve_Dublin

SarahSassy wrote: »

Maybe she is just showing her true colours now that the honeymoon is over. No one should put up with this kind of abuse and she is abusing you...

3 years is a long time to keep your "true colours" under wraps though. Doesn´t the honeymoon period usually only last 6 months or so? I don´t buy into the idea that she was a bitch all along. It seems like the OP loves her very much...I´m sure he´d pick up on that sometime in those 3 years?

LegacyUser

Has she went on the pill,around the time of this change of personality? This can affect some peoples moods.... As in 3 years, you would think she would of been showing signs before hand
of this.Just a thought.

Elle Collins

I think you were right in your initial assesment of the viability of the relationship. You started going out with a girl, now she's grown into a woman, and not a very nice woman. I'm sorry but I think you should just leave.

JonathanAnon

guest 2 wrote: »

Has she went on the pill,around the time of this change of personality? This can affect some peoples moods....

I would agree with the above that there may have been something that affected her at the time. I mean 3 years is a long period of time for honeymoon. Have you thought about going to counseling with her?

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

sounds like you have an immense communication problem...

when she gets angry at you, how do you react? How do you respond to it? And what happens after you respond? Have you ever had a go back at her?

also, how do you react to abuse within your mind? Are you hurt by it, or do you just say 'well, screw you' and let everything she says bounce off you?

The OP seems to retreat when she gets angry, he's being quiet now instead of speaking his mind, he's mindful of what he says or what he does so she doesn't get angry. He knows that this is no longer a balanced and loving relationship.

I agree with the poster who said that she'll act out until it's over. This is a lesson that she needs to learn, that she can't abuse someone she claims to love like this. My ex treated me exactly the same way and eventually my mind broke down, I was a grade-A mess and he just kept at me, telling me how pathetic I'd become. OP, it doesn't sound like a good relationship and you're old enough to know what you want in your life. Maybe she'll grow up and realise that her behaviour is not acceptable. But she'll never learn that if you keep offering her love and support. I feel for you, I really do. I've been in your situation myself but you know I think you know it's over. My ex didn't realise how much i loved him, he didn't know that he was worth it. It sounds like your girlfriend is going through the same thing and she's the only one who can change or help herself.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

OP, this is an awful situation for you. My best guess at what is going on here is SHE is all conflicted, but she doesn't know it even herself. Not on a conscious level.

You say her Father died. So she had no man to kick against as a teenager. She met you. You are older. She felt secure. Love blossomed. All was well.

However in an age gap relationship, the age thing is always there. My best guess at what is going on with her is this. Her behaviour is that of a teenager to a parent. Vile, random outbursts of rage. Yet denial and lack of awareness or insight into this.

You say she is fine with everyone else and that this behaviour only happens with you two on a one to one. I think now that the Honeymoon part is over and its moving into the tricky 3-4 year stage, she has unconsciously begun to take you for granted. But she is also dependant on you and loves you, in her way.

This conflict in her mind leaking out into her actions. She is raging against you because part of her resents you for being the together adult/parent but on the other hand she is frightened at the thoughts of going it alone...

I don't know if it makes any sense but as I said, its just a guess and my impression.

I don't think the girl "knows herself" I don't think the opposing ideas of love/dependancy and rage/resentment are sitting together well in her mind at all.
She is unable to maintain her emotional equalibrium and is rebelling against you, the innocent party.

She is very much in denial as you said. Unfortunately the practical result of that is she is forcing you to make the decision because she can't/won't take responsibility for it.

It's passive agressive. Half of her is at war with the other half.

In my opinion, this hits the nail on the head and is the most likely answer. Why I think that is because that's exactly how I felt when I was acting the same way as your gf to my ex (I'm not and wasn't proud of it)

There was an age gap and it was my first long term relationship so I learned a lot from him in the beginning and truely loved him. I also had issues with parental figures growing up so I felt so secure in my relationship with him. He was the first person I ever really allowed myself to rely on. However, as I reached my mid 20's I had changed and grew up but wasn't sure how to match this change within the relationship and probabally tested boundries.


I had attempted to break up with him a few times, but talked into keeping on trying to keep it going. His attachment to the relationship held me in there longer than it should have because I thought I must be wrong and this is just how all relationships become like or that we had good stuff and we were just going through a rough patch.

In the end, I bit the bullet and was firm with my decision to break up with him and that my mind would not be changed. I hated the way I was treating him even if I couldn't help it, and I know I was the one in the wrong, but I respected him less for allowing me to treat him like that. If she does approach a break up - don't encourage her to stay. She will say yes because it's easier but will resent her decision and nothing will change. However, I would suggest you both break up.

I apologised for my behaviour after we'd had a bit of space and when I realised what I was doing and we had a good chat about it which helped both of us to start moving on and get closure. TBH our relationship went on around a year longer than it should have and yours probabally has too.

LegacyUser

I'm following this post very closely because I'm in a fairly similar situation myself. I'm going out with a girl for a year and a half and we live in different towns. We see a lot of each other and spend most weekends together. For the last few months I can do nothing right and I have no opinion. My girlfriend gets annoyed at the slightest thing and if things are not going exactly her way then I get all sorts of moods and silent treatment. If I ever say that I don't want to do something or don't like something then it's thrown back in my face. She is very volitile if she doesn't get her way and extremely impatient.
But the strange thing is that we could meet up one weekend and everything would be great and the next weekend she might come to my hometown and she'd be in a mood all weekend. I know she came off the pill a while ago because she said it wasn't agreeing with her and she did suffer from a bit of depression before but I think it was fairly mild. We're at the age when we should be looking to settle down and progress our relationship but I'm starting to think that I don't want a life like this ahead of me. I spoke to some friends and they said she probably wants to get married but with her current mood swings I really can't see that happening. We are both mid thirties so her hormones may be contributing to the whole situation.
Any advice.. is this normal?

grizzinfarl

I didnt expect this much feedback and I appreciate it. I am not sure why I am posting here, I suppose I wanted an outside opinion.

As to me, I am a pretty easy going person, at work I can be quite single minded, but I try not to step on people either if possible. I suppose I consider myself a nice person, live is OK once all the usual pressure of work, bills etc., are taken out of it, I wouldnt say things are great, but I get by and have enough left over to enjoy ourselves.

Healthwise I am fine, mentally, I was until this began, now I am something of an emotional wreck at times. I am not sleeping enough and I know it is affecting my work, but not enough, yet, for anything to be said.

A lot of what has been said in reply to my posts is very similar to advise I have received from friends and family (I have only told my brother and two of my closest friends and the councillor what is going on) and everyone seems to be in agreement - break up with her. I am not sure what love is, what is the 'formula' for how you should feel and all that, but as things go, I know I love her. Problem is, now I feel more like I love a memory than a person and thats one of the hardest things to accept, I dont think that I can still get to grips with the fact that the person I love is not the person she is and that there is no such thing as a fix unless she can accept that there is something to fix. I cant see that happening, at times I feel like I hate her so much that I dont want to ever see her again. I used to stand up for myself, but it always ended up with her being visibly upset and me getting guilty for her being upset, even if she 'started it'.

I am not an angel and never claimed to one, but I cannot see why she has become so contemptuous of me. I listen to her problems, I am there for her when she needs me, I dont run off with the lads all the time, as a matter of fact, I get a bit of stick off them for not doing so! I dont drink that much and even when I do, I get mildly tipsy, its been a long time since I got really drunk. I work hard, I am pretty generous, sometimes I can be a little lazy, but when I think about it, not being in the mood to walk the dogs when I am only getting home at 8 is hardly laziness, its called being tired, especially if I have been since 6.30. I am lucky in that my area doesnt call for me to go far outside of where I live in Dublin, so I am usually home for 6-ish, I do most of the cooking mainly because I like it and she agrees I am the better cook.

I have spoken to one of my oldest friends, a woman, who I have known since early childhood and I have outlined everything to her. She, playing devils advocate, has always pushed me for what I am doing that might make her so angry, but besides minor things like leaving washing out of the basket, leaving the seat up and so on, I cant really identify any behaviour of mine that might make someone so angry the way it does.

My oldest male friend thinks that she is damaging me and I should break up sooner rather than later and my brother agrees. All three of those who I have spoken to have difficulty with her now that they now what is going on, but nothing has come to a head yet. I know that my brother is really angry because he went through something similar that lasted a lot less longer than this because he basically just said F - this and that was that. The difference is that he was neither living with the girl in question nor in love with her, but he doesnt see the difference. He is just looking out for me I suppose.

Another poster asked me why I was speaking to her mother about this, but I didnt actually talk to about this problem, I have just mildly asked if she (my GF) was OK as she seemed a little down and stuff like that. Her mother seemed a bit surprised when I asked, so I didnt ask too much in case I caused another fight.

I think that familiarity has, in this case, bred contempt and I think that irrespective of what she says, she does not love me as I love her. I had a work related exam today, pretty important as things go, but since I finished at 12 today, nothing from her to see how it went. She knows how nervous I was, I am not great at exams, but it seemed to go well and my study seemed to have paid off. Its like she couldnt give a damn. When she does exams, the world must reverse its rotation and the sun has to stop in the sky. When I do one, its not important, at least thats how I feel about it anyway.

I already knew before posting this what I have to do, but I am looking for something, anything, that might wave a magic wand and make things OK, but I know in my heart that the world doesnt work that way. Its probably melodramatic to say so, but I have difficulty in imagining life away from her. Sure I could go see other women, but I dont want to. Even though I have been 'tempted', I always resisted because the idea of being unfaithful to someone I love isnt something I would entertain. Perhaps I am too much of an idealist?

What is clear though is that I am taking emotional damage and if I walk away, I will be damaged goods for a long time. I watched that movie 'Its Complicated' over the weekend and I really felt for Steve Martins character, even though his scenario was different to mine, I could see myself in him and his pain and the damage he received from lost love.

The basic truth is that I am scared. Scared of losing her, scared of being alone, scared of what might happen to me. All I know though is that I am incredibly unhappy and something needs to change.

Sorry for length of post and thanks for reading.

Cheap Thrills!

You need to stop walking on eggshells. Really. Regardless of whether ye break up or not.

Its not helping at all.

Also you say you can't call her up on her behaviour or she gets 'visibly upset' and then you 'feel guilty'
Let her get upset. She needs to be upset. Stop handling her with kid gloves.

Well, can't you see you are enabling her spoilt behaviour.

You are behaving like an indulgant parent. She knows she can walk all over you and that is why she has contempt for you.
She knows well you are on the back foot and she can throw any kind of abuse at you and you will take it. I know your self respect is at an all time low but the more you let her walk over you the worse it will be.

As long as you are acting like a submissive lapdog the she will continue this treatment. You are afraid to stand up for yourself in case she dumps you. She might, but then again she mightn't and she might be relieved if you finally do tell her to cop on to herself. She might start to see you as more of a man and have more respect for you.

At the moment she knows the holds the power. You are no challenge, therefore you are no prize. She has to feel she needs to work to keep you. Corny but true.

grizzinfarl

I have only woken from a quick nap (I had the day off to do an exam) but I thought I would share a very strange and disturbing dream I just had while it is fresh in my mind.

I went to pick up the GF from her mothers, she was helping her in the garden and when I got there, they were having tea in the conservatory. I walked in and said hi, but it was like I wasnt there. I sat in the kitchen to wait for them and as I sat there, I could hear the conversation between them. Her mother was telling her that it was time to make some choices and to clear out the old. I got annoyed and left. For some reason I brought a plant with me, but I only realised it when I got home. She and her mother came for the plant but when I tried to lift it, the base was very flexible and I spilt a lot of the soil from it.

The next thing I remember was being in my own mothers garden with two women who were looking for a fish in my mothers pond (my mother doesnt have a pond?) and I couldnt help them as I was too tired.

Then I was in a restaurant with booths and there was a man and his disabled son playing with balloons in the next booth. They kept hitting them across to me and I was hitting them back and laughing. Then I went to a service hatch and when I looked in, there was a CCTV monitor and it showed my GF having sex with another guy, one her own age. It was happening in her old bedroom in her mothers house, so I went over immediately, furious. However, when I got there, the guy she was having sex with was there, along with two other guys - they had been renovating the room and were all fully clothed and covered with dust and paint etc. Not only that, but the room itself was bigger and the layout changed beyond what it could have without being noticed from the outside. I asked when this change had happened and she smirked and said about 75 minutes ago. She kept looking at the guy who I had seen her with and he wouldnt meet my eyes. The other guys with him were smirking and sniggering so I left very upset and she didnt follow.

I awoke feeling very upset but thats as much as I can remember. I have had similar dreams over the last few months, dreams that make no sense whatsoever, but leave me very depressed and disturbed.

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You need to stop walking on eggshells. Really. Regardless of whether ye break up or not.

Its not helping at all.

Also you say you can't call her up on her behaviour or she gets 'visibly upset' and then you 'feel guilty'
Let her get upset. She needs to be upset. Stop handling her with kid gloves.

Well, can't you see you are enabling her spoilt behaviour.

You are behaving like an indulgant parent. She knows she can walk all over you and that is why she has contempt for you.
She knows well you are on the back foot and she can throw any kind of abuse at you and you will take it. I know your self respect is at an all time low but the more you let her walk over you the worse it will be.

As long as you are acting like a submissive lapdog the she will continue this treatment. You are afraid to stand up for yourself in case she dumps you. She might, but then again she mightn't and she might be relieved if you finally do tell her to cop on to herself. She might start to see you as more of a man and have more respect for you.

At the moment she knows the holds the power. You are no challenge, therefore you are no prize. She has to feel she needs to work to keep you. Corny but true.

Its true, but there is nothing corny about it. She doesnt respect me in the least, thats why it needs to end, my self respect/confidence is so bad at the moment, I cant ever remember feeling so bad about myself.

If I dont do something in the next while, it will be much worse for me.

Denimgirl

These dreams are called anxiety dreams you must be thinking in the back of your head that she's with somebody behind your back or going to leave you for somebody.

Moomoo1

ok, you gave the answer to my questions that I expected (more or less).

So after she has a go at you, or acts in a way that's inconsiderate or unfriendly you just take it, don't say anything in reply and just try to please her?

Take the exam. Why not call her up and ask her why she didn't even feel the need to call you and inquire about how you did? Tell her that's it's inconsiderate, remind her of how she acts when she has exams and just have a go at her.

You cannot let bad treatment go, you have to pick the other person up on every single (major) thing. Yeah, the first few times it might lead to a fight (verbal rather than physical), but how many couples never have verbal fights? But then it should get better. Otherwise you just come accross looking weak.

You are how much older than her? Compared to you she's a kid and you should be bossing her around with all that extra life experience, and I'd say that's what shes after...

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Have read through the whole post & I was in a very similar situation to you for the past year. Walking on eggshells because I couldnt do anything right, constantly being told I was wrong for something or the other, being deserted on nights out etc.. All of what your gf is doing I can identify with.

I know how confusing it is, you are torn between the person & love you used to have and what is now the reality. In the end I asked myself the Q - if I was dating him a few months would i walk away? Yes. It's hard to break away from a longterm relationship so you want to convince yourself it will get better. But why should you put up with this behaviour just because your going out a long time?

I tried numerous times to tell him how I felt & he never listened or just snaped at me. In the end I broke up with him & while its been very hard im happier. He seems happier too, we're broken up 3 months now & recently he has discovered that it was his fault & has identified where we went wrong, which was related to a personal issue which he is now trying to rectify.

Maybe we'll get back together once this is sorted but either way it took him a break up to realise what he was missing, how he was treating me and to shake him into action to do something about it.

I suggest you try to talk to her one last time - if that doesnt work you have to get out. You will end up hating her every week that passes and she's treating you like this. Being treated like this will also eat at your confidence

mrsdewinter

I think she's just very young and very unhappy. You certainly can't make her grow up, and you've tried making her happy, for months now, and that hasn't worked either. You know the answer to this yourself: it's time to walk away. Neither of you will be happy until she faces up to and addresses her own issues.

Whispered

OP, I agree with all of the posts here. You don't deserve whats happening and it seems like a toxic situation and could badly effect you in the long run.

But you need to stop discussing your relationship problems with everybody! Her mother, your brother, 2 male friends, an old female friend, another male friend.

Really, if you want a hope of this relationship surviving in the long run, you have to stop discussing your problems with so many people.

Think about it, say you discuss it with her, she's apologetic and changes her ways, she works hard on the relationship, things get better, you're both in for the long haul. Then she finds out that you have had conversations with at least 5 different people about her and her faults.

I understand that at the moment she does not deserve your loyalty or discretion but you don't want to find yourself in a situation where she works on her problems out of love for you then finds out that so many people have had an opinion on her.

I would feel betrayed.

grizzinfarl

Whispered wrote: »

OP, I agree with all of the posts here. You don't deserve whats happening and it seems like a toxic situation and could badly effect you in the long run.

But you need to stop discussing your relationship problems with everybody! Her mother, your brother, 2 male friends, an old female friend, another male friend.

Really, if you want a hope of this relationship surviving in the long run, you have to stop discussing your problems with so many people.

Think about it, say you discuss it with her, she's apologetic and changes her ways, she works hard on the relationship, things get better, you're both in for the long haul. Then she finds out that you have had conversations with at least 5 different people about her and her faults.

I understand that at the moment she does not deserve your loyalty or discretion but you don't want to find yourself in a situation where she works on her problems out of love for you then finds out that so many people have had an opinion on her.

I would feel betrayed.

At this stage, I see no future anyway, so, whilst your point is valid, its irrelevant in this context. She still has not asked about my exam, preferring to get upset because her boss was unpleasant with her today....

No 'how was your exam' or anything similar, its like it didnt happen. I love her, but I am not so stupid to know when someone needs you but doesnt necessarily want you. Well it seems she has some need for me, but not a want. Thats a pretty tough thing to accept and I imagine it will take me quite some time, but as is, the thread is titled ''Breaking up with someone you love'. I have to break up with her, I see no other choice much as it will hurt me greatly to do so. But the consensus is that its like a gangrenous limb - cut it off before its poison kills you. I feel like I die a little every time I back down from a confrontation that I know I am in the 'right' if such a thing can exist? I die a little every time she says horrible things to me, I die a little when she does something sweet unexpectedly, I die a little when I keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace.

I am still quite young and much as it will hurt, its for the best. However, for all the ease it takes to write all this, the actuality will be so painful, I get shivers thinking about it. Thanks for the advice and if this thread was an attempt to make sense of her in the hopes of resolving things, it was good advice, but considering I plan to have her out of my life before the year is out (or sooner if I have the courage), it was also uneccesary. But thanks nonetheless, the sentiment is appreciated.

LegacyUser

OP you analyse everything way too much.

Your relationship is over. You have chosen to tell strangers on a forum before your GF. I know you are not in love with her anymore but you need to get real.

Turn off the computer, stop posting long, angst-ridden analyses of your feelings and talk to your GF. Tell her its over, cushion the blow. Maybe she won't take it too badly, she might be sick of your endless self reflection who knows.

Either way, do the girl a favour and break up with her. She might be headwreaking but to be honest some of your posts sound pretty headwrecking to me. And I would be mad as hell if my BF told a bunch of strangers he was breaking up with me before doing the courtesy of telling me in person.

Go do it, as soon as possible.

Whispered

You sound like a tortured soul at the moment. I hope you find the strength to move her out of your life. You are still young!

All the best.

Moomoo1

grizzinfarl wrote: »

I feel like I die a little every time I back down from a confrontation that I know I am in the 'right' if such a thing can exist?

well, then don't back down. You are a big strong man, you don't have to back down.

it's all very well keeping quiet 'for the sake of the peace', but you can't do it all the time. You simply can't...

plus, if someone was acting un-sensetively towards me (like not asking about exams and the like) I'd not just sit and agonise over it: I'd confront them over it, at once.

Not Interested

Like you I was going out with a guy for just over a year.. Before i was out-going, always loved going out with my friends but he was very controlling and through his mood swings i changed and pretty much stopped going out or being as out-going as i usually would have been.. Finally last halloween he freaked out at me because of my new friends i had met through college and I had to finish with him.. And i am soo utterly happy i did.. like you i adored the boy.. Still do.. hes a friend of mine but a relationship like that isnt a relationship! Its doing you more harm than good! Its at that point in a relationship when you have to say enough is enough and end it! For your own sake!

hightower1

shellyboo wrote: »

I don't mean this in a critical way, OP, but a 20-year old is still not grown up by any stretch of the imagination. Someone who's still in college is in a different world, different mindset altogether than a fully functioning independent adult. It could be that she's simply grown up, and the person she IS is no longer the person you want to be with.

Yeah but they are much better looking and more fun than girls in their late twenties +!!!

OP, just copy, paste, slight edit your original post and leave this out with a note saying "read me and see what you think" on your way out in the morning.
Give her time to think over it. Se what she has to say, communication is key.
She could resent you for "taking" her early 20's single life or could be loosing feelings for you or anything, dont jump to conclusions just work off what you KNOW.... how you feel. One things for sure its not going anywhere on yer current path so it has to change

Denimgirl

hightower1 wrote: »

Yeah but they are much better looking and more fun than girls in their late twenties +!!!

OP, just copy, paste, slight edit your original post and leave this out with a note saying "read me and see what you think" on your way out in the morning.
Give her time to think over it. Se what she has to say, communication is key.
She could resent you for "taking" her early 20's single life or could be loosing feelings for you or anything, dont jump to conclusions just work off what you KNOW.... how you feel. One things for sure its not going anywhere on yer current path so it has to change

younger does'nt mean better looking! just younger!