Parenting Need Advise Please

Mary2000

Hi to all, Im new here and at my wits end, here a little bout me,

Im divorced 6 yrs have two boys 17 and ten, Im 37, work full time and im just out of a five yr relationship.

My seventeen yr old son has always been well behaved, and we were always very close up until recently. Its like his totally changed into a person that i dont recognise and dont like very much, his not drinking or staying out late or anything like that, its more his attitude and his bad language towards me.

He decided few weeks ago that he didnt want to go to school anymore, I couldnt drag him into car and into school so after a long sit down chat with him, I said ok but you not lying in bed while I go out to work, I got him out of bed and put him outside door, wanting him to see what a long day hed have and hopefully decide school was a better option. I did this for two days, plus took away broadband , gave him no money, which he was getting loads off of me. He decided he wanted to go back to school, so went back cause trouble, not major, just silly remarks and not obeying teacher, after chat with teacher I decided to keep him out of school till Sept, told him he had to get a job and pay rent at home. To which he replied that I was a f ing C...t and that he hated me and roared loads of abuse at me. I tried to stay calm but was shocked.

He doesnt have a relationship with his father and I know this prob affects him as his brother is very close to their father.

Its like he resents me, he doesnt like me going out, he doesnt like the way i dress, which I like fashion and try to keep myself well. Most people think im younger than i am, I look more like in my twenties, I feel that he is embarrassed by me, Has anyone any adivise on how I can handle this situation, should I give up on myself and sit at home by the fire Knitting which I feel is what he wants. By the way I might only go out once every few weeks for drinks with friends, I went on a date recently and he went mad over it.

Mary2000

Sorry for such long thread, and hopefully iv got most of story accross

phill106

I only have younger kids, so i guess all this is ahead of me!

I suppose sit down with him, and ask what he thinks would be an acceptable situation?
If he tries to get a job, he will see how hard it is out there at the moment, and how much an eduction would help him to get a decent job.

Mary2000

Thanks Phill,

Ewww im dreading going through all this again with other little man, and his listening to the way 17 year old is shouting at me, which is not nice for him to have to listen to either, and dont want him thinking this is acceptable behaviour either

cherryghost

Sorry to butt in here, I'm no parent, but some scenarios come to mind.

- Some of his attitudes point towards your son actually PROTECTING you rather than upsetting you. He has no relationship with his father, as you say, I reckon he doesn't want to see you get hurt, or even worse.
- Some of his attitudes is typical for a 17 year old to be honest. The only thing you can do, is sit him down, be leniant, and tell him you wish to be respected as both a mother, and as a friend. You're not asking for much there, if he has some common sense, he'll recognize it.

I agree with phil about the job. Getting a part time job or something would give him more independancy, hopefully it would make him realise the hardships of the outside world, and dealing with them.


Hope that helps

Daisy Steiner

Hiya,

Have you established that there's nothing amiss at school? Any bullying/break-ups? I know I turned into a bit of a rebel (without a clue) around that age, but there were other factors! Has he lost anyone close to him recently? Are any of his class-mates sick?

When you say you like to look young (and fair play to you for that) is there any chance his friends may have passed comment or made him feel uncomfortable?

Is it a self-esteem issue, maybe someone has been putting him down, (teacher or student)

It's a tough time for all of you, and very unfortunate that your younger son is absorbing it all.

x Daisy.

whitesands

He sounds like my brother & nephew, I've no idea where this attitude comes from. I'm not a parent & this advice usually falls on deaf ears, but, if I were you I'd tell him to head down to the library & start looking for a flat on the internet.
If he isn't happy with something & runs amok, tell him he is entitled to his own opinion & can go stay somewhere that meets his standards. A stint in the real world will quickly bring him back down to reality I'd imagine.

Nip it in the bud now, this attitude carries over & will stay with them for life, I regularly have my sister & mother pleading with me not to get involved but sometimes I have to. If you want to call someone a cnut, do it to someone who can slap you instead of being a coward & bullying your mother. I got involved in an argument between my sis & her adult son, he came over & start screaming in my face like he was doing to his mother, big mistake, I quickly brought him back to reality, he hasn't spoke to me like that since.

If you take that abuse now, everything in their life will be your fault in my experience.

P.S. As I said, I'm not a parent so my advice could be worthless, just my 2 cents...

richardbradley

although only a parent of young children I can remember that i wasn't that great as a teenager but would offer the following basic advice:

There is DEFINITELY some root cause of this change - only by getting to that root cause - either by yourself (can be difficult if relationship isn't big enough) or with professional support - will you be able to address this - working on the symptoms - lack of school, his attitude towards you etc will only ever produce short lived results

Make time for a good conversation - can you go out for dinner or to the pub with him?

Start by painting a picture of the future - ask him how does he see himself in 5 years time? Where does he want to be? What does he want to be able to afford, what does he want his relationship with you/his brother to be like etc. Then ask him what he needs from you to help him achieve this future and make some commitments (the bit you don't get at 17 that you only realise later is that everything that your parents do is done with the intent of helping you grow up successful) Then answer the same questions for yourself (or start with you if he can't open up) and show your weakness and fragility - what do you want your like to be life after the kids have left home, how do you feel as a single mum, what relationship do you want with them after they've left home etc. Talk about what you want your kids to say about you as a parent. If done properly this will help you both realise that the current path you are following will not achieve the future you want.

I cant tell this from your post but maybe due to the leaving of his father at some point you have let the boundaries become a little too blurred and once you've got to the bottom of the cause of the behaviour you need a plan to reestablish these. The words "he called me a c**t and i tried to remain calm" are a warning sign. He is pushing for reaction. (I did the same thing - would keep pushing and pushing the boundary until i got that reaction - and when i did i realised how bad i had been.I still recollect the incident 17 years ago where i pushed hard enough that my mum burst into tears and that still hurts me today to think that i was that spiteful in the things i said.)

There is some truth in what whitesands says but if you go straight in with that then you risk destroying the relationship to the extent that it can't be fixed. Fix it 1st and rapidly reestablish boundaries.

If you only take one bit of advice its get professional help - by that i don't mean you're crackpots who need a brain doctor - but you would definitely benefit from somoene to facilitate the kind of conversations i describe.

All the best.

Mary2000

Thanks, for all the replies, Cherry and Daisy, Whitesands I have brothers who have talked to him and tried to see where his at from a guys point of view, he hasnt had any breakups and none of his friends are sick etc, a few fellows in his class have dropped out of school and my relationship broke up before xmas last yr around the same time, so I can see that his had alot of changes going on around him, I think he felt that he could drop out of school also, I would never kick him out a seventeen but I have told him that he has to get a job, and that if he wants to act like a hard man than he needs to be able fund himself to do that as im not willing to pay someone to abuse me like that.

Richard thank you for your advise, and yeah I honestly think that I tried too hard when I seperated from their Dad, I was trying to make up for them only having one parent, Iv lived on my own with the boys since their dad, and they were fine with me being in other relationship but than again they were alot younger.

ha ha I didnt say that I try to stay looking young, I actually look alot younger than I am, and alot of people mistake myself and seventeen yr old as brother and sister.

No I really feel and am picking up on the vibes that he is embarrassed by me, i can feel his hatred towards me, and I feel that I have been a good mother to him, I always put them first, but he wants me to be exactly who he wants me to be and yes I do think that maybe a friend at school may have made a comment about me at some stage and this may have added to what he was feeling.

He still obeys my rules at home and will go to bed and do as his told in every other way, its like he just lashes out this abuse at me roaring and shouting and it really gets me down and im afraid if I dont handle it in the right way that it will only get worse.

I actually go for councilling myself and I get great advise there, Iv said it to son that maybe he would consider talking to someone, but I dont think many seventeen year olds will actaully go and talk to someone, his totally frustrated with himself and me.

ani_mal

Mary

its a hard one I can say one thing: he misses feeling safe/secure (that is only my opinion) but as others say you need to find the cause.
Even teenagers need borders. I remember how "big" I thought I am being 17 yet only now I see how still immature I was and my knowledge of life was none.
I think new rules around the house/your family life because he is getting bigger and maybe involving him in more decisions about the house?

but try specialist Mary, they will bring some light on this matter.
all the best