no sex in relationship.

advice for me please!

hey everyone
this is my first time posting here and just looking for some advice.
i am in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last 7 years.i'm 29 and he's 30.bought a house and moved into together 3 years ago (june 2007) .we always had a normal healthy sex life.about (december 2007) 6months after we moved in together, it started to dwindle.not from me-from him.i got the "i'm tired" or "maybe later" from him but put in down to stress from work.so i left it alone until about april 2008 and just one day lost the plot and we'd a massive argument over it where he told me he was having erection problems.was shocked but completely supported him and said we can work through it, go to Gp, no pressure etc.

so he went to the gp in the july i think so various blood tests showed he has a high prolactin level which can destroy libido and cause erectile dysfunction.so he was booked in for a consultation with a hormone specialist and a mri of his pituitary gland at our local hosp and we got the results from that in the december which was that there was no tumours or growth on his gland so he was to go back to the gp for repeat bloods..all through this there was no sex/intimacy whatsoever but i just kept telling myself to be patient.and its now 15 months later and nada!i've asked him so many times to go back to the Gp-i've cried, shouted, just talked and here i am in the same situation.he just says next week or ya i will make an appointment soon.ive considered making the appointment for him but FFS he should want to get it sorted and do this for himself.
i understand its unbelievably embarrassing and part of his masculinity is affected but to be honest its completely destroying me.i've explained to him how important intimacy is in a rel and how it makes me feel and that i understand its embarassing etc but i'm getting nowhere.he's otherwise healthy, goes to the gym , he does smoke tho but doesnt drink too much.
i suppose i'm just really at my wits end.i hate going out with the girls and the subject turns to sex and i just sit there and smile and inside i feel like bawling!!
in december i just had it out one night and told him everything-exactly how its making me feel, how that i have asked him so many times to go back to the GP, that maybe if we didnt have the house-would i have gone a long time ago(this shocked him)!he told me that he would go and that we would be engaged only for this problem and that he really wants to have a baby, loves me so much etc etc.
and its now ****ing may and he still hasnt gone.i'd say i've asked him about once a month since december.
so what am i asking??i'm 29, havent had sex in 2.5 years, obviously this relationship isnt going to move to engagement/marraige kids until its sorted (his words).all my friends are moving on and i am just feeling so ****e.i could deal with it as a problem but what i cant deal with is his complete lack of respect for our relationship.
the max intimacy in this rel is the kiss when coming home/going to work, and an arm around the tummy at night.recently i actually realised that i'm kinda shying away from even getting changed in front of him.
last sunday week i said to him will u please make an appointment with the gp this week and he said ya ya i will and i said i'll put it this way-i'm not asking again-this is my last time and still no go!!
everything else in out rel is great and i do love him, wnat to marry him etc but to be honest i just dont hink i could deal with this rejection/lack of intimacy.i even considered packing a bag and saying look when you are ready to sort this out call me.i often do wonder would i have upped and left ages ago if we didnt have the house.
so i'm sorry its so bloody long.and i would appreciate any advice others may have!!
thanks

Miss Fluff

I'd normally never be one to condone ultimatums as it's not a healthy way to conduct an adult relationship and usually end up biting someone on the ass but in this instance I would. I find it inconcievable that you have gone without sex for 2.5 years. You're in a house-share right now. This is something that is within his power to sort out so if he won't do it for you and your relationship then what does he expect you to do?

And it is all very well talking about having a child together but that sounds like the wave of a carrot to me. Because unless he can do it though power-of-suggestion or conduct an immaculate conception then it aint going to happen anytime soon unless he gets this seen to. Tell him you're packing your bags byt the end of the month unless he sorts this out once and for all. (Although you have to be prepared to accept that he may not. Are you actually prepared to leave him over this?)

advice for me please!

thanks for replying miss fluff!appreciate it!

i agree- i just dont believe in ultimatums!!i believe that if there's a problem worth solving then it should be able to be sorted by talking etc.i just feel an ultimatum is almost child-like but to be honest it's the last thing i can think of to make him realise this is it.

i would be devestated if we broke up-jesus i really would but i just keep saying to myself-wtf would our relationship be like another 2, 5 or 10 years down the line?i dont think any relationship could survive with this problem left unsolved.

i do believe this problem is so treatable and i have said that to him so many times.i dont expect him to go to gp, get meds or whatever, come home and shag me.it'll take time to build up intimacy again and for him to have the confidence to have sex again.i'm not expecting miracles.and i am more than willing to be patient but i've been more than that.

i really really dont want to use an ultimatum but its better than i find out now than 5 years down the line when i'm still in a sexless, intimatless, childess relationship.


Major thinking and talking to do (i've said this so many times!!) but its now or never.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but you've already given the ultimatum - you said 'this is the last time I'll ask you this'.

You have to take action.

You need to face it in your own mind that this may be the end of the relationship. Maybe it isn't, but quite possibly it is. You need to look this in the face and accept it, and then you'll be able to act. Then you need to pack a bag and move out somewhere. Maybe this will shift him, but maybe it won't. But the vicious circle will be broken.

He may be very scared of what a visit to the GP will mean, scared maybe that it can't be fixed. Or he doesn't believe you'll go. Say to him, I love you but I'm starting to move on and I'm leaving today. If you want me to live with you, let me know when you've gone to the GP and tell me what his/her opinion is. We'll discuss it, and when you've made some progress I'll think about if I want to come back.

You know what happens if you accept a promise - nothing. Wait till there's progress, then consider the situation.

What else can you do? You've tried from inside the relationship and you can't live in there anymore. Now try from outside it.

ApeXaviour

Jesus lass... my heart goes out to you.

i even considered packing a bag and saying look when you are ready to sort this out call me.

I think this is probably the best thing to do. Well not quite exactly the above but along the lines. Pack a bag, sit him down and calmly explain (feel free to let out your emotions, but no anger...) that you think it's best for the time being if you don't live together. That it's too hard on you to stay with him, in the same bed, the same house... when there is no physical intimacy, that you've tried and patience isn't working and you can't go on like this. Then leave, nomatter what he says in the moment, go, stay with family/friends even if it's just for a week (assuming he follows his word right away and gets it sorted out immediately), show him you're serious, even if you're not sure you are. He requires a bee in his bonnet.

From what I understand, once the underlying cause is found not to be something malignant, his problem can usually be managed very easily with dopamine agonists, which are cheap and have been around for a long time!

newtoboards

I don't think you should move out. He's more than likely as humiliated by the whole situation as you are frustrated. If you leave he may think that you've told everyone what's going on and there may be no going back. It's obvious you love him so if you can bear it hang around for a little while longer. You need to stop acting like a couple in the house though even that little daily kiss needs to stop. No intimacy whatsoever but stay living there. Move to another room, don't discuss it but wait to see what he says. Just in the short time at least. If you pack your bags and leave you may never get back and it's so obvious both of you love eachother and thats worth giving it one more shot.

LegacyUser

There have been numerous threads here recently on this issue. I think there is a perception that fella's are "mad for it" all of the time. This I think is not true and I don't think a woman should be overly worried if a man goes off sex for a period of days or weeks. Sex for men is a all physical, its not an emotional thing like it is for women. Men cannot just turn it on when we like. Getting and maintaining an erection can be very difficult. I know people are not going to like this, but it can get a bit monotonous having sex with the same partner over and over. Sometimes abataining for a few weeks will whet the appetite!

Back to the OP, you seem to be mssing the point. Your partner has a diagnosed problem, yet is refusing to get it treated. He for some reason does not want sex/intamicy at the moment. You should be sitting him down and talking this through. Even if he does get himself sorted with his condition, chances are things will not change. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really think you need to focus on why he does not want any sex/intamicy.

LegacyUser

OP is it him or you who has created this association that intimacy = penetrative sex? There is no reason for a relationship to have completely broken down just because penetration is not happening.

I understand that you resent the fact that he is not taking action to get help, but I have to say you may be exacerbating the situation by placing the emphasis in terms of what you want from him on sex. Why is there no intimacy, just because there is no sex? Do you think he feels loved? Is there any way you can express to him that you want to have cuddles, touching, kissing, that kind of intimacy, without an expectation of it always leading to sex? It sounds like there is a pair of you in it, pushing each other away.

I think only when you return to having that kind of intimacy will he gain the security and confidence to go back to the doctor and progress things.

ApeXaviour

ape_man wrote: »

He for some reason does not want sex/intamicy at the moment ...
I really think you need to focus on why he does not want any sex/intamicy.

The reason he doesn't want sex/intimacy is because, like you said, he has a diagnosed problem. Since this particular problem appears to explain all his symptoms (erectile dysfunction, severely low libido etc.) I don't think we need to start diagnosing extra ones.

Why won't he sort it out? There could be a million reasons, none of them necessarily because he doesn't want it sorted out.

ted1

he won't go to do anything about it because he is a guy and is embarassed. i know its wrong but her thats what it is.

your just going to have to give him an ultimation, but try doing to with a bit of care.

have you tried catching him off guard? wake him up by giving him a BJ? (ilke push starting a car)

advice for me please!

hey everyone-thanks so much for all the advice.i really appreciated it!
anyway just to update.i posted my first message on the thursday 20th.i came home from work on the friday evening and he was at work and we were yapping away so he said "oh i went to the doctor today".nearly fell off the couch so i played it cool and was like oh thats great-did she offer u any advice.she basically said that he'd obviously changed his lifestyle( he lost 3 stone since last year) and that yes he may have been having problems and unfortunatlely much of his problem now may be psychological but she gave him a prescription for cialis and said he can try it and go from there.
it was another 2 weeks before he kinda had the courage to try anything ( last monday week)-just kinda kissing in bed and next thing-erection and kept it and sure i'm sure ye can all guess what happened!!this was without the cialis.
so we've had sex 4 times since then without any problems.but he has the prescription if we do encounter any probs.he said he's feeling great and is so sorry he didnt do anything sooner.
so fingers crossed that things will be fine from now on!!thanks again for all your advice.i think my ultimatum worked where i just said "this is my last time asking you to go to doc".he just need a big boot up the bum!!!
thnaks again!

dublingal80

DELIGHTED FOR YOU!!!

Miss Fluff

Awwww! So happy for you! Lots of making up for lost time then!:DThanks for letting us know!

StarryMoon0

I'm so happy for you that things are moving along.

Move forward now, shame he didn't go back sooner, BUT that is in the past now..

From my own perspective, if a guy has a couple problems, and then dwells on it, its a worry, which then stresses him, and then he can't "get it". And I think when you go a while without having it (because your having problems) you kinda lose the "feel" for it.. Get to a stage where ya just don't really want it. Nothing to do with not loving the person ect..just a physical response.

Physically, a woman can try and have sex even if she's not terribly aroused..but for a male..if it won't stand tall, its just not gonna happen ..
and I'd say thats pretty hard to handle