Not getting over him....what more can I do?

LegacyUser

Sorry I know this is a very common issue on these boards but I feel like I’m doing everything right but getting nowhere….

My boyfriend of almost 7 years broke up with me about 6 months ago. We had been living together for three years, talked about marriage, kids etc. and were blissfully happy until the last 2/3 months when he got very down and his personality changed completely. I tried everything I could do to help him but he said he just didn’t feel the same way anymore.

I was absolutely devastated but got on with things. I moved in with new people, I’ve started new things, made new friends, gone on a couple of dates. We were in contact for the first while as there were a lot of practical things to sort out but now there’s no contact at all. To everyone else it probably seems like I’m fine now but I’m really not. I know I’m much better than I was when it first happened in that I’m sleeping fine, eating normally, not crying at the drop of a hat. But I still have a deep, deep unhappiness. I feel like I’m just existing, not really living.

I thought I would be so much better by now. Maybe part of it is because it came as such as a shock to me and because he changed so much in such a short time, deep down I wonder if he can change his mind again (stupid, I know). I think what also isn’t helping is that I’ve always been in relationships, suddenly I’m in my late 20s and have never been more alone. And because we were seen as the “perfect couple”, everyone keeps saying he’ll come back, which doesn’t help the moving on process.

Sorry for ranting, maybe I just need to get it off my chest. But I feel like I’m doing everything I can but getting nowhere. It’s been 6 months, I can’t go on like this forever. What more can I do! Will it get better?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I think you said it yourself you feel much worse because it came as a shock to you...you didnt know your partner felt that way...I know you probably dont want to hear this right now, but at least you didnt get married and have kids, it would have made things a lot worse for you both.
As people say time is a great healer, and I know right now it doesnt feel like it will get better, but things always change. And from reading your post you should be very proud of yourself, you are not sitting in miserable, you are going out, you are still getting on with your life, right now this is all you can do..If you havent already maybe talk someone, family, a friend..this might help you a little bit...dont do it alone...And I am sure they will understand..
I think right now you need to be on your own, like you said you have always been in relationships, so take some time out, enjoy yourself, I know it can be lonely but it can be fun too..

Keep doing what you are doing, it will get better, and dont be so hard on yourself..

best of luck..

Frustrated_Girl wrote: »

Sorry I know this is a very common issue on these boards but I feel like I’m doing everything right but getting nowhere….

My boyfriend of almost 7 years broke up with me about 6 months ago. We had been living together for three years, talked about marriage, kids etc. and were blissfully happy until the last 2/3 months when he got very down and his personality changed completely. I tried everything I could do to help him but he said he just didn’t feel the same way anymore.

I was absolutely devastated but got on with things. I moved in with new people, I’ve started new things, made new friends, gone on a couple of dates. We were in contact for the first while as there were a lot of practical things to sort out but now there’s no contact at all. To everyone else it probably seems like I’m fine now but I’m really not. I know I’m much better than I was when it first happened in that I’m sleeping fine, eating normally, not crying at the drop of a hat. But I still have a deep, deep unhappiness. I feel like I’m just existing, not really living.

I thought I would be so much better by now. Maybe part of it is because it came as such as a shock to me and because he changed so much in such a short time, deep down I wonder if he can change his mind again (stupid, I know). I think what also isn’t helping is that I’ve always been in relationships, suddenly I’m in my late 20s and have never been more alone. And because we were seen as the “perfect couple”, everyone keeps saying he’ll come back, which doesn’t help the moving on process.

Sorry for ranting, maybe I just need to get it off my chest. But I feel like I’m doing everything I can but getting nowhere. It’s been 6 months, I can’t go on like this forever. What more can I do! Will it get better?

Darlughda

First of all, OP, I went through this too, and it was very painful and took a long time.
Like yourself, I went gung ho re-organising my life, getting somewhere new to live, new friends, new interests etc. Then I found myself staring out a window for literally hours at a time, and shared possessions we had together, like CDs, a candlestick or vase would suddenly transport me into a different state.

Its called Loss. Grief effects us all in different ways.

When you love someone that much and you break up after so long together, it is like a bereavement in your life.
There is no way of speeding up this process, sometimes you just have to go through the motions until enough time has past.

However, a counsellor is invaluable during this process. There will be so many profound emotions and feelings and even if you are not a person who experiences these often or easily, the manifestation of grief and loss in your life can be very hard to deal with alone. Especially when you are used to being part of a couple, even getting used to being alone can be hard, knowing there is someone once a week you can see and really talk about what is going on for you with this is invaluable at this kind of time.

Don't underestimate what you are going through, or apologize for it, it is a huge transition and life changing process, and by gawd does it take time and insight! Even when you feel like you are turning a corner, and time has past, grief can strike out of nowhere and overwhelm. This is perfectly normal as is sorrow, anger and many other emotions.

To put it very flippantly it sucks big time!


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LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I suppose I underestimated how much time it would take. Family and friends have been great but I haven't really talked to them lately, because I thought I should be so much better by now I felt like it would be weak to admit how upset I still am .

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed, I just hate people feeling sorry for me. I'm my own worst enemy!

katie99

Take each day as it comes. Seven years is a long time with somebody.
I would suggest you keep active, busy and motivated so you don't have time to brood on the past and what might have been.
Plan each evening to do something like going for a walk with gfs; going to the gym; cinema/theatre; meals out.
If you get asked out by a guy accept the invite provided you like him of course. Don't worry about rebounds. Enjoy his company, don't get too serious.
Gradually you will find yourself growing in confidence and self esteem and you will at last be ready to face the world again - a better and more expereinced person.
It's ok to cry. I broke it off with my bf three years ago and he cried and cried in front of me. It was difficult but I stuck to my decision.
I myself liked a guy I met a few months ago but he wasn't interested in a relationship and it hurt like hell after only two months.
But I'm over it now and getting on with life.
Best of luck!