Advice please, a male perspective would be good.

LegacyUser

I'm going to try not to ramble on too much here but I've got a lot on my chest I want to get rid of.

I posted a while ago asking advice on how to stop myself fancying someone and got some sound advice which I tried to stick to. Basically I've fallen for a man 12 years my junior, we work together and we're in a band together. A few months back I told him how I felt. He very gently told me that it would ruin everything that we have at the moment and I agreed.

Grand, so I move on and get over it. Anyway, a few weeks ago we were working together in another town and ended up spending a lot of time together. We got on brilliantly and genuinely had a really good laugh. There was a lot of flirting and prolonged eye contact, you know the sort.

At the end of the weekend I dropped him home and we hugged goodbye which became a prolonged hug. He ended up pushing me away and saying-"get in the car". This I did and off I went, feeling a combination of elation and confusion. I have tried and tried since to interpret what happened there and I can't.

This sort of put me back to square one and I had to really work hard to keep the guy out of my head which I did to some success. The problem is that now he is quite aloof with me. He is still reasonable with me but none of the warmth is there that was there before. I don't know if I've done something wrong or if this is just his way of dealing with this situation.

I'm really upset because I genuinely like the guy and we were getting on really well and now I feel like there is a wall of some sort between us and I'm afraid I must have done something to piss him off.We still have to work together and play music together and this is not helping at all.

I'm even questioning my sanity over this, am I obsessive? Am I being paranoid? Am I nuts thinking that a man 12 years my junior would be interested in me in the first place? How can I resolve this. We are both going to be at a gig later, do I ask him straight out what's up? Lots of questions, sorry but I am so confused

fungun

sounds to me like he likes you, likes flirting with you, maybe even fancies you a bit - but doesnt want any more for whatever reason.

His reaction is fairly clear imo.....he got closer to you than he felt he should have....and has now backed off and is being distant to help him stay away.

If its bothering you in terms of your sanity you could maybe approach him and ask him about it. It might be worth asking him in terms of maybe not letting yourselves get too close to make sure you stay as friends. Would help you at least understand where he is coming from, but Id be prepared for him not wanting to be more than friends if I were you...

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

sounds to me like he likes you, likes flirting with you, maybe even fancies you a bit - but doesnt want any more for whatever reason.

His reaction is fairly clear imo.....he got closer to you than he felt he should have....and has now backed off and is being distant to help him stay away.

If its bothering you in terms of your sanity you could maybe approach him and ask him about it. It might be worth asking him in terms of maybe not letting yourselves get too close to make sure you stay as friends. Would help you at least understand where he is coming from, but Id be prepared for him not wanting to be more than friends if I were you...

I was thinking that this might be the case. I suppose he is only doing what I am trying to do which is put a bit of distance to save hurt feelings.
Perhaps I would be better not making an issue of it by asking him about it?

LegacyUser

Hi, I've just posted a problem here looking for advice, and your story jumped out at me...basically it's impossible to see a situation clearly when you are in it and emotionally attached. Actually i think you have just helped me with my own problem in seeing just that.

I don't meant to sound harsh but this guy has made it clear he is not interested - that could be for many reasons, your working relationship, the age thing, his personal circumstances - that doesn't mean to say that he doesn't find you attractive or have a great time with you, but he doesn't want to take it that step further.

Instead of confronting him on it again, I'd say let it lie for the moment and play it casual - that will do two things, either he will realise he has feeling for you and will persue you, or nothing will come of it which is also a win win situation for you as it means you will save face and still maintain a nice working relationship with him.

I know it is hard when you have feeling for someone and get on well with them to see things for what they are, but try to focus your attention elsewhere for a while and let the situation pan out.

Best of luck. You sound lovely so I really hope you meet someone that recripocates your advances.

Kiera

I dont think age has anything to do with it. It seems he doesnt want things to get complacated because you work and play in a band together. He knows you like him more than a friend and is just taking a step back so things dont get weird or maybe he's not into you the same way and doesnt want to lead you on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses folks. It's really helped me to get things into perspective. I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it until things pan out whatever way they're going to pan out.