chronic paranoia

LegacyUser

Hi

This is quite hard for me to write as I'm just coming to terms with it actually.

I think I have developed some sort of chronic paranoia over the last year.

I am a very shy person, with extremely low self esteem and I have always found it hard to initiate conversation with people I don't know well. But I would imagine there are a lot of people who feel this way.

Usually once I get started talking to someone its fine, we chat about anything and everything and have a great laugh. I suppose I'm thinking mainly about friends I meet through my boyfriend as I don't really have friends of my own (maybe that's the whole issue)

However last night was the first night that I ever experienced anything like this - I was at the birthday party of one of my boyfriend's friends and I just couldn't mix with people at all - I was actually terrified of being there and actually had to go to the bathroom a few times and just sit in the cubicle for a while to get myself together.

I felt like a lunatic, but I just couldn't cope with being in such a crowded place, being forced to socialise. That sounds utterly pathetic I know.

However, for the sake of my boyfriend (I didn't want him to be 'minding' me and to be honest, I wanted to come across as a fun person, because I can be. I used to be. I don't know what has happened.) I tried to act normal, talking to people about pure crap (which I'm sure is all anyone does anyway) and (the worst part of all) dancing.

The problem was, I was convinced that everyone was watching me dance, listening to me talk, and laughing at me. These feelings came and went throughout the night, but they were there for most of it. I tried to ignore them as I know in the back on my mind they are irrational but I just couldn't help feeling so uncomfortable.

And I suppose the whole reason I'm here - well, although I did my complete best to fit in and not follow my fella around (which I didn't do at all - I sat with a group of girls chatting to them, got up to dance, etc..), when I asked him if I could get a taxi (we were back in this guy's house now, and I didn't know the number for a taxi in the area or didn't want to use the phone) he just replied "So get one" I asked him if he wanted to come back with me to my house (he stays there a lot) and he said "No" really angrily.

It was at this point that I realised that although I had been trying to do my own thing and not bother him, that he had actually been avoiding me all night. He said to me "You're so uptight it's unreal. I can't relax around you. You can't relax around yourself. I actually can't enjoy myself when you're around"

I am so upset by this. He has always known that I find it very hard to make friends, try very hard to meet and talk to new people and he knows that big social events like huge milestone parties are hard for me. The worst part of it all is that I was forcing myself to pretend that I was enjoying myself and wan't bothering him. He wasn't anywhere near me for most of the night, so I don't understand how I prevented him from enjoying his night, unless of course my presence meant that he couldn't enjoy the company of other women (but again this might be the paranoia again.)

I ended up walking out of the house, and walked about a kilometer until I got a taxi, then sobbed my way home like a proper idiot.

I'm very upset now, but also very angry with my boyfriend for being so insensitive. I feel that if I do have an issue with socialising - it's just inconvenient for him.

By the way, we are going out 3.5 years and despite how it all sounds, we're not youngsters, we're 27.

Stu

Your boyfriend was bang out of order for calling you "uptight". You need to sit him down an explain exactly how you feel in some social situations. He may not be able to empathize with you but he needs to understand that you feel very uncomfortable in certain situations and start supporting you instead of making you feel worse. Maybe he's part of the problem, it wouldn't surprise me. I hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like your fella shows you much respect based on what you've said.

Nevyn

Go talk to you dr, there may be a medical issue, there may not best to rule it out to start with and see what can be done.

LegacyUser

Thanks

I have a counsellor which I talk to, I prefer her to my doctor to be honest.

Yes I do feel that my boyfriend is out of order, I think this is a classic case of him not wanting to deal with problems as they arise. He tells me 'life is too short' and that all of this really drains him and that it's just as easy as stopping being like that.

The thing is, the problem is worse than he even realises. For every issue like this that comes out into the open there are 5 or 6 more that I have bottled up.

However, I have been thinking about it a lot, and crying over it all a lot. As I said in my first post, normally things are fine but that night for some reason I just couldn't fit in. Maybe because I don't. I'm 27. It was a 21st. When I sat down to think about it, the only people I actually have anything in common with, I spoke to them no problem. Maybe this is just as simple as that?

pwd

However, since you say this was an isolated incident, it sounds more likely it was to do with "them" and not you. Maybe you were picking up an unfriendly vibe from people. Groups of friends often are very cliquey and an outsider bf/gf is often likely to be treated rudely by groups that are. Trying too hard to join in usually will just worsen this sort of thing I think.
I would go so far as to suspect that they were slagging you off behind your back, and maybe criticising you to your bf. If not explicitly doing so, perhaps in a subtle manner.

cafecolour

veryupsetOP wrote: »

However, I have been thinking about it a lot, and crying over it all a lot. As I said in my first post, normally things are fine but that night for some reason I just couldn't fit in. Maybe because I don't. I'm 27. It was a 21st. When I sat down to think about it, the only people I actually have anything in common with, I spoke to them no problem. Maybe this is just as simple as that?

Yeah, if you have it in your head that you're a bit out of the group, it's definitely going to make it so.

Overall though, you might just not have been in a sociable mood. When I'm feeling extroverted, I'll talk to anyone. When I'm not, I won't. And I'm incapable of making myself switch between the two.

As to your boyfriend - it sounds like he's being a good bit passive-aggressive. Do you think it's that he's socially anxious himself and wants some back-up when socializing? Or that he simply feels responsible for you as well when you're out?

If the later, you need to be able to say to him - "I'm not feeling up to it tonight, go, have fun without me." And mean it. In that he doesn't think you really want him to stay in with you but are just telling him that.

Meemars

OP, I'm sorry to hear you went through such an experience.
This could have been me posting when I was 27, I went through exactly these situations around the same time in my life.

You mentioned you see a counsellor, I think you should explain the event to him/her and see what they advise, they should be well used to situations like yours.

I wish you the best, I know this can work out for you, with the help of counselling.

Nevyn

Last warning on this thread the next poster to tell the OP you May have/think you have X condition will be banned for a month.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/faq.php?faq=bie_faq_guidelines#faq_bie_faq_guidelines_medicalpro

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Once I was out with some of these people, in a smaller group and they were talking about me behind my back. I noticed it, my boyfriend noticed it and they knew we did too.

They are a bit of a bitchy group, even the lads go on like women and they are very judging. My boyfriend even tells me some of them are extremely insecure themselves.

There is one member of their group that is hardly ever around as he does have severe social anxiety. They do nothing but make fun of him when he's not there although they are supportive of him when he is.

So all in all, after having time to calm down about this I have decided that although I have some slight issues around being relaxed, maybe I have every reason to be a little paranoid around them.

I think I have also come to the conclusion that I just don't have anything in common with any of them. I'm not even a big drinker.

I am going to a hen party with some girls from work next week, people I have things in common with, people that I like. I'm using this as my test to see how I get on there.

thanks for all the replies.